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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 15/07/2023 18:35

You did e a tky the right thing. They are bonkers they are completely unsuitable the well being of your horse is all that matters. Just block them

FatCatBum · 15/07/2023 18:48

You absolutely did the right thing. I would love to learn to ride but I am conscious of my weight and wouldn't put myself in that position

I would absolutely respond on fb though, and say that you did not intend on fat shaming, but they need to understand that you have a responsibility to your horse and that includes ensuring that the person that loans it is within the acceptable weight limit for their size

StaunchMomma · 15/07/2023 18:52

All she's doing with those posts is proving that they are both absolute novices and nowhere near ready to take on the responsibility of horse ownership.

I would reply on Facebook with the official guidelines on weight limitations for horses and state strongly that the safety of your horse is your absolute priority.

What absolute twunts they are!

You stand up for yourself, OP!

Hibiscrubbed · 15/07/2023 22:37

You did the right thing. They actually wanted you to put their feelings above the welfare of your horse, and they think that made them good candidates to loan her? Nah. Fuck off.

Weight is a contentious issue, but animal welfare does not take a back seat to some human’s feelings.

Sometimes you have to call and overweight spade an overweight spade.

Valeriekat · 16/07/2023 08:31

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

But anyone who rides should know this surely?
OP you did the right thing. It sounds like they were deliberately trying to catch you out so they could be victims.

SideWonder · 16/07/2023 09:08

YANBU totally.

I rode quite competitively until my 20s and life took over. I mostly rode ponies, and could do so as I weighed only around 55-60 kilos. Now at 70 kilos, I wouldn't ride the same kind of pony.

I used to have dreams of riding my old boy (my main pony I had till he was over 20) and being too heavy for him and him breaking down - weird anxiety dream, but you get my point I hope.

Isn't that why hunters used to be classified at 12 stone, 15 stone etc?

JMSA · 16/07/2023 09:11

I'm overweight and wouldn't feel remotely fat shamed by what you said. Difference is though, I NEVER would have put me or you in this position. I'd have known I was too heavy for the horse all along and wouldn't have pursued the line of enquiry. Or at least I'd have asked about it before rocking up!
Being fat doesn't absolve one from responsibility.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 16/07/2023 09:12

They caused this, not you. They knew before meeting you that the horse was unsuitable but they still came.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 09:43

Lol delusional they don’t care about the horse which is most important but in your ad switch it to a maximum weight pp so people are aware….but tbf to yourself I think these chancers would of risked it anyway! Completely irresponsible!

And the jokes on them posting on sm because I guarantee they would of received there own backlash from that! “Lol you’d rather break a horses back etc” I can see it now.

countingto10 · 16/07/2023 14:44

I wonder if they are actually too big for the riding school (and possibly been told so too) hence looking for a loan for both of them Hmm

caramac04 · 16/07/2023 17:35

Well if they put their selfish wants above the horses needs (and rights) they were probably not suitable anyway.

Dalekjastninerels · 16/07/2023 17:39

caramac04 · 16/07/2023 17:35

Well if they put their selfish wants above the horses needs (and rights) they were probably not suitable anyway.

Correct.

GrapeHyacinth · 16/07/2023 17:46

Definitely not unreasonable. Not read the whole thread but has this been picked up by the Mail yet? They'd love this story!

Bemyclementine · 16/07/2023 17:47

@melonspritz sorry I've not rtft. I've seen plenty of adverts for loans and sakes with a weight limit on, often very light actually (Welsh Sec D, must be under 10st for example) so I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to add a weight to your advert.

I don't envy you tbh, your Connie sounds perfect, but it is SO hard to find the right loan/share, especially if you're not moving the pony.

Becgoz7 · 16/07/2023 17:48

Definitely not fat shaming! It would be cruel to ride if they are too heavy

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/07/2023 17:55

Anyone who is experienced with horses would know about weight limits, I've been 9 stone and 13 stone and will always check about weight limits before even enquiring about a loan horse.

Your horses safety is paramount and you didn't didn't shame her, it's simply a fact of life that some horses can only take a certain weight.

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2023 17:56

Block them and edit your advert to state maximum rider weight, I see it a lot on adverts, it’s pretty standard. They sound novicey if they don’t realise they’re too big for a 15hh Connie.

winnieanddaisy · 16/07/2023 17:57

Surely they have fat shamed themselves by putting it on Facebook that they are too heavy to ride your pony 😂. I’d would have kept that little nugget to myself .

tommyhoundmum · 16/07/2023 17:57

Well done. You are clearly doing the right thing for your horse

Crazyindiechick · 16/07/2023 17:59

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

But the OP pointed out they were experienced riders so the assumption would be they can't be too heavy for the horse. I wouldn't think you'd need to advertise this!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 16/07/2023 18:03

I don’t know anything about horses so maybe you should have/could have set a weight limit in your ad?
however, as they DO know about horses, surely they should have known?
I have a holiday home and my kids used to always bring friends to stay, as were Londoners, a big treat was to book little beach hacks for my kids and friends on holiday, I always called to book and gave the kids ages but ALWAYS mentioned one particular child who was very big for his age and a month et who was tiny for hers. It’s just common sense.
you did nothing wrong - you had no choice, you had to look after your horse.
Just say ‘I’m sorry you took offence but you were too heavy for my horse and I had no choice but to inform you of this, I hope you find suitable horse, you bloody great heffers’

Pickleswell · 16/07/2023 18:07

They have all sorts of problems from the sound of it. They should have known they were too heavy in the first place if they were as experienced as they said. When I took up horse riding, the first thing I was asked was my height and weight. Then to harass you on s m . They do not sound suitable and you did the right thing for your horse.

threatmatrix · 16/07/2023 18:08

I would answer on facebook and ask them why they think it’s ok to be so cruel to the horse.

FTLondon · 16/07/2023 18:11

You could have approached it a little differently and said “the max load for this horse is (xx)kg”, rather than asking their weight which is often seen as rude.

Otherwise, not much else you could have done. You were saying “no” to them, so likely they would have reacted in a similar way no matter what.

menopausalbloat · 16/07/2023 18:12

Just block them. They're being absolute idiots. If they're ok with animal cruelty, then that's on them.

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