DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

This is such a lovely idea. I have been thinking about the same, as me and DP are in a similar situation.

Just adopt an older child and change someone's destiny forever

"Just"?? Adoption is a HUGE decision. The thresholds for removing children from their biological parents are extremely high so an older child who has been put up for adoption will have experienced significant trauma, a very high level of neglect and/or abuse, undiagnosed FASD is also common. Adoption is a very noble thing to do and can be hugely rewarding but the reality is not something that should be romanticised. It requires a great deal of sacrifice. Adoptions can and do break down, which is devastating for all involved, so it is imperative that adoption isn't sold as an easier alternative to having your own kids.

My father was 65 when I was born (I was their youngest), I absolutely adored him and had a lovely childhood. He actually survived my much younger Mum by many years and I am so glad I had him in my life.
I was 40 when I had my youngest. It’s all been fine, and teens etc definitely keep me young and happy.
My DP’s daughter didn’t have any children, her and her DH chose to go the route of acquiring as much money as possible and whilst professionals with very good jobs live frugally and somehow seem more sour at the world at each passing year. I’m not really sure what they are actually saving for tbh!
You need to have some serious talks with your DH, I hope whatever decisions are made you stay strong together.

If you aren't one hundred per cent keen, don't do it.

My great gran had her ninth child aged 43. She hadn't lost any (except to disease caught in the trenches in WWI). My gran was breadwinner and carer to her by then widowed and disabled mother at the age of 17. (Oh, and great gran wasn't 'covering' for anyone, her elder daughters were already married with children; her pattern of pregnancies was regular from 17 to 43, as she breastfed them all).

Raising a child isn't easy. Raising a child alone isn't easy. Raising a resentful child isn't easy. Raising a child you know you'll have to 'leave' earlier than you'd like isn't easy. There are so many reasons not to do it.

Try for a baby only if you really want one.

Don't listen to the 'adopt' message either - unless you've really thought that through. Adopting is even harder!

I have to agree with this - obviously there are exceptions, but both my siblings were adopted and both have problems with emotional regulation, and have had difficult behavioural issues throughout their life.

I wouldn’t take Jordan Peterson’s advice on whether to have curry sauce or mushy peas in the chippy, let alone whether or not I should have children.

It would be a hard no from me too. You can’t get pregnant, go through all the risk of pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding , maternity leave , disruption of your whole lifestyle ( and yes it will affect you much MUCH more) for someone else.

My youngest was born when I was 49 and my wife was 43. I wasn't expecting a child that late in life, but I wouldn't change things for the world. He now towers over me and is attending university. No health issues at all (unless you count colour blindness!).

Yes YOU wouldn’t, so that’s irrelevant to the OP isn’t it. What a pointless comment.
It's whether what he says resonates with the OP or not.

I have an almost one year old and I'm 42. My husband is 3 years younger than me though. I never wanted children until we met and I just love being a mum.

Just adding my tenpenneth - I was an 'older' Mum, 1st born at 37 then twins at 39. It's worth bearing in mind the risk of multiple births increases as you get older. My DH was the same age as me.
I went into a pretty horrific menopause just as the dcs hit their teens. That was fun 😄 I know anyone can become ill/have an accident at any time, but your risk of chronic illness becomes higher the older you are, and obv makes parenting that bit more challenging.

After having 2 challenging pregnancies i feel strongly that no woman should be obliged/forced to go through it unless SHE wants to. So I do think your view is v important here.

As others have said you're in a good position to think about fostering, or maybe volunteering with orgs to help children/teens in your community?

Half my nct group were 40.

But I do think this is a risky thing to embark on from the emotional side if it doesn’t work. It sets up for disappointment and heart ache.

If he is certain, and you too would go for it. Then I would only consider doing it if he will agree to adoption if it doesn’t work and put a time scale on trying with ivf or naturally.

You are obviously very keen on his message to have posted it three times on the same thread. I thought I was in a time slip when I saw an identical post one the one I read an hour ago.

I don’t know if you are familiar with Peterson’s work but his views on women, relationships and families are controversial to say the least. He is not an unproblematic voice to bring into this conversation and pp is right to challenge it.

Yeah I thought that was weird, almost like spamming.

And I may agree with Jordan Peterson on certain things, his views on women are definitely problematic.

My DH and I were similar, we didn’t dislike the idea of kids but didn’t want to actively try and thought it would be lovely if it happened. Left it to fate. I went to the doctor out of curiosity regarding fertility at age 39 and was quoted all sorts of dreadful statistics and thought ‘well ok then. no kids’. Three months kater I was pregnant. Had my one and only at age 40. Zero issues with pregnancy. I have at least 10 friends/coworkers who had babies at ages 37-43. You absolutely can get pregnant naturally and have a healthy kid.

It is not a decision to make because someone thinks they might like to have kids after all. Why at this late stage? Are you prepared to have NO life of your own for the next 18 years. I had mine at 21 and that was the end of my carefree youth.
I didn't have a life of my own again until I was in my 40s.
Are you prepared for anything such as a seriously disabled child who will need care for the rest of their life.
Would you have two given you will both be very old when your child is 40. Who will they have when you are gone?

My advice to anyone, regardless of age and financial circumstances would always be to only have a baby if you cannot bear the thought of a life without children.

This was me, I had to have kids and I am so thankful that I did, but it can be very hard, for every family I know where things have been plain sailing I know another where their kids have significant mental health or other issues. This cannot be the reality statistically speaking, but the point is, you can't assume it will be straightforward and so I wouldn't do it if you aren't completely sure.

I think the age is immaterial. I had my only child at 43 and he's adult now and it honestly was fine even though I was single for the first seven years. I loved raising him.
It all depends on how much you want to do it. That's all that matters. Don't confuse the issue with age. If you're not that into the idea of being a mum, then just don't go there.

Mumsnet server issue is the message that popped up when I posted it.

Yes I’m very familiar with his work, and agree with quite a lot of his views. So I don’t need that “challenged”, the whole point of Mumsnet is to bring different opinions and views to the thread for the OP to think about.

He makes a very good point that life can be lonesome after 45 without a family, that’s not controversial by any stretch of the imagination. It’s something to seriously think about when you’re looking to your future.

Both my parents have passed away, and without my husband and 3 children I would be very much on my own and looking at quite a lonely future, especially into old age.

Hard no from me.
You're the woman. Your body will bear most of the burden. It's ok for you to say NO.

Besides the risk of birth defects increase with the father's age, as well as the mother's.

Thank you both. I was commenting from the assumption would be so irresponsible as to cite him as a source of wisdom in such a massive life-changing decision without knowing some of his other views. That video alone gives the impression of a perfectly benign voice which is not quite the case across his wider body of work.

Apologies, that no-one would be so irresponsible etc.

Do you think he might be expecting you to say No, and that will give him the excuse he feels he needs to go and have an affair with a baby-hungry 30yr old?

At te ages of 49 and 50 it would be a hard no from me.
Tell him the baby ship has long sailed without him.

There are quite a few moms at our nursery who are 40, with partners who appear older then that. So it’s definitely possible to get pregnant.

It does impact your life massively but it sounds like in your situation you would be able to afford help. You can even have things like sleep consultants and night nurse etc to help. Nursery etc etc

If it were me, I would consider it. Having kids is both the most rewarding and diff thing I’ve ever done.

Good luck x