DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

😂 classic

We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

It's worth noting that the physical burden of carrying a child and the risk and the potential effects on your health will all fall to you, OP. Realistically the work of raising a family more often than not falls to the woman, too, rightly or wrongly.

In some ways the only thing we have to go on is our instinctive 'yes' or 'no', I think. Because there are so many unknowns involved.

This column was a thoughtful one on the decision, if you can overlook the sugary 'sweet pea', I think it has some good points:

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

It's a difficult one isn't it?
I won't go over what everyone else has said, but from your last post it sounds to me as if you aren't really bothered about having a baby. For that alone I would say a definate no, don't do it.
You need to feel a desperate longing I think.
Good luck whatever you decide, but your life style sounds wonderful. Why would you risk all that for a dream.
We wanted kids, I had a miscarriage, and never became pregnant again. Our our lives have been relatively stress free and for that I'm very grateful.

I think the age is immaterial.

Science disagrees with you.

It's a fact that the risk of serious pregnancy complications, miscarriage, premature birth and fetal anomaly is significantly increased with age. That's not to say that no one should have a baby at 40! But age is relevant and it's madness to pretend otherwise, especially when OP isn't even sure she wants to be a Mother. If they both desperately wanted a baby then that might be different, but why risk the above for something you don't even want?

At te ages of 49 and 50 it would be a hard no from me.
Oops typo, I know its 40 and 50 but still a no from me!

Agree with this. You're not too old but it does change everything forever, so you need to want to do it.

Totally agree, and ‘throughout life’ is a really important point. Trauma doesn’t get magically resolved age 18 and can have life long consequences. Taking on kids with these kinds of histories is definitely not an easy option!

I had my second at age 40. It's been fine. My DH is younger than me though...not older.
My BIL was quite old when he had his kids and he's very hands on and has plenty of energy. For me, kids have enhanced my life and despite the stress, I wouldn't change anything.

I think that age is less of an issue here. Yes, 40 is older to have a baby but many women have babies in their early 40s. BUT the biggest issue is that you don’t seem to want a baby. Unless you both want one it won’t work.

Plenty of women babe healthy babies past the age of 40 myself included.
I think HIS age is more relevant and your ambivalence on the subject tbh.

be prepared for the fact though that plenty of men of that age have children with younger women and by younger women I mean someone else other than you and probably younger. But only time will tell on that depending on the outcome here.

We had our youngest at 41 and 47 and it's been fine! I know many people who have had children at a similar age.

That would be a hard no from me! Having a child can be hard on a woman's body at 40 (personal experience as I was 39). Looking after a young child can also be relentless and I guess much of that may fall on you as thr younger person.

Babies at 39 and 41 here. Both were absolute nightmare babies/toddlers. Younger DC was 3 before I got 2 nights sleep in a row. But they would have been difficult no matter what my age. Dream teenagers now, hardly any trouble, though lots of worry. DH is just two years older than me and he is very fit and active, though he did have some life or death surgery and life would be very different and difficult if we'd lost him then. I'm very grateful for them, always wanted DC and ideally would have had them younger, but was older meeting DH and settling down. But you both have to want a baby for this to work.

Ifyou are considering, pay to have fertility check ups. You don’t need to wait a year of not conceiving and asking to be referred.

We never even thought DH any issues due to previous children but there were. It’s age and maybe ciggies and alcohol over the years.

I agree with PPs about men turning 50.

Wow, some seriously judgy responses here!

I did vote YANBU because I think you should both really want it if you're going to go for it, and you really don't sound like your heart is in it.

However 40 and 50 are in no way too old to have a child! We were 36 (me) and 51 (him) when we had our first, and 42 and 57 when we had our second. We had many fertility issues and feel nothing but grateful to have our children. We are both fit and healthy, and pretty relaxed, and I think we do a decent job of parenting. My husband runs and cycles every day, and probably has far less chance of dropping dead tomorrow than a morbidly obese 40yo...

No I don't think it's too old at all if that's what you both want to do.

I have children and love them, but if I had made it to 40 (50 in your husband's case) without any, I wouldn't want to be starting from scratch.

He needs to realise that it is a bit of a gamble. You may have the easiest child with both of you healthy and energetic well into old age. You may have a child with additional needs. As the mother with a son who has SN I can tell you it is extremely hard and your life will never be the same again, even after they reach adulthood.

on the other hand, children need attention and time and it sounds like you could have that in buckets load by just reducing your volunteering and work and you could give a child a great life.

is he prepared for whatever might come?

@babbscrabbs I agree with you

@GeorgiaHunt for these sorts of threads if you are going to ask for advice about having first children later than average speak to women who are actually going through it!
It's ridiculous getting advice from someone who had kids at 25- of course they are tired in their 30s.... news flash: kids are tiring!

I had my first at 35 and my 2nd will arrive when I'm 37. Yes I'm more tired now but that's because I'm working FT chasing a toddler. When I had my first mn would say "can't imagine having a newborn at 35 etc".
But I had easy conception, easy pregnancy , easy birth, easy 1st year- helped by having a stable marriage with a husband who practices 50:50 parenting, a great high paying career and savings so money isn't a worry. So easy that deciding to go for 2under2 doesn't phase us.

If you and your husband want a baby you have a better set up than a majority of the population. You're financially stable, can afford to stay at home with your family, you are well travelled and presumably would continue to share this with your children. You just need to know it's a big change from only focusing on your relationship to factoring in a baby 💯 dependent on you both.

Fact is fertility is personal. Plenty of 20somethings on mn sad they haven't conceived after years of trying then there's me (and lots of others) who's gotten pregnant the first time we tried on both occasions.
20somethings with babies with chromosomal diseases and me (and lots of us) of advanced maternal age with healthy babies. You don't know which you'll be .
Good luck with your decision.

Reading your posts, it comes over as if you'd be doing this for your H, not yourself.

I've already posted that your ages are not the real issue (and of course you have the means to pay for extra screening, privately, if you wanted that) while acknowledging the slightly higher risks.

But you've been with this man since you were 25, inherited money so that was never a reason to postpone being a parent, and you've never felt the urge to be a mum.

If it's something only he wants, it's his equivalent of the biological clock ticking.

Truthfully, I don't see this is a problem that is going to be sorted by anon posters on a forum!

You are getting all kinds of responses from NO to GO FOR IT.

Are any of those replies helping?

You need to dig deep into your own feelings and discuss it with your H.

Couldn't have said this better myself

It sounds like life is going well and is easy and he feels like he needs a new challenge/enrichment. I'm 52 and would find it hard having a baby now I think. I found it hard at 33 and 36.

It would be a no from me. You're approaching too old and he definitely is. Perhaps he is feeling that he is not fulfilling a paternal/nurturing role in this life. Could you consider fostering (admittedly not an easy thing to do) or could be volunteer with children, doing something like scouts? I don't have children (through choice) but I do have a need to have involvement with children which I get through seeing my nieces.

I found it hard at 33 and 36.

Really?

Why was that?

Most of my friends had their 2nd or 3rd in their mid 30s and didn't find it hard at all.