DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I definitely wouldn’t go for fostering. It’s completely different. Why would a man who wants his own children at 50 years of age want to foster?

I suggest that you both spend more time talking it through and considering the ramifications - to establish how you both really feel about it.

When I got together with DP I was 39, he was 51. I have 2 DC already and although I love DC and would have had more I had decided in my head that 38 was the age limit for me personally. DP doesn't have DC. I assumed he didn't want any.

I was v surprised when relatively early on in our relationship he said he would v much like us to have a DC.

I was willing to consider it but I felt that he liked the idea of it more than the reality. I love babies and miss my DC being small - so I could v easily have gone along with the idea but I wanted to be sure he actually wanted it and understood what it would mean in reality.

So I took the opportunity to discuss the reality at suitable points rather than it being a big serious discussion about our future - eg when watching a TV programme, when talking about friends/family having a new baby, when I had bad PMT - I would mention things like 'oh if I was pregnant I'd be like this for 9 months 😉', if he was discussing his holiday plans with friends I would comment on the difficulties with DC. When we were both ill with covid I said it would be so difficult if we were caring for a small baby whereas my DC could make their own meals etc. Not too much or all the time but just dropping it into the conversation when it seemed appropriate so we could both consider it.

After about 6 months I raised the topic and said that we should have a serious discussion about it because if we were going to then we needed to get on with it given my age. We agreed that if we had met earlier then it would have been lovely but it was simply too late now, we were too old and he was too set in his ways to want to give up the freedom of not having DC (he is a great step dad to my DC but they're teens now and it's not the same level of responsibility/commitment), we were worried about us being ill or the potential DC having health issues. Several years down the line and we're both still happy with the decision we made - even if sometimes either of us feels wistful for the baby that never was - it was the right decision for us (and for my DC and the potential child).

It's a difficult one for you - but you have to do what is right for you - and both think through the ramifications and effect on both of you physically and emotionally as well as the practicalities.

The reality is that bush walking isn't as easy with young kids. You can't do the same level of challenge, rock scrambles and it's just not as easy to carry a baby in a back carrier as when you were younger. It might slow them down a bit.

Would 1 be enough. Would it be 2?

For me it would be a massive no. And I had this conversation with my 2nd DH at (me) 42 & (him)44.

The birth of first DC at 33 destroyed my body. I have a cystocele, a rectocele (basically prolapses) and a permanently displaced coccyx. No sensation in my vagina pretty much and it's now a cave. So while this isn't the norm it's not particularly unusual either.

Women were designed to have kids in their teens. Not what most of us would choose. In your 20s it's easier than in your 30s in terms of fatigue and recovery. In your 40s it's harder again.

50 yo men also have a significantly increased chance of having ND children or other issues. So personally I'd want to use someone else's sperm.

Presumably family help isn't going to come from parents who are at the very least will be too old. So full time parenting for the next 20 odd years. No lovely breaks and easy days for you.

I can only think he's having a massive midlife crisis. Send him to a psychologist.

Hi,
oh this is a biggie. And perhaps one for your close friends or even a counsellor. Mumsnet is great but be careful taking advice from it.

Best of luck with finding how you feel. It’s a big decision either way.xx

I'm going to give you the benefit of my story. Which is not great. My ex husband did this exact thing after many years of marriage. I was reluctant as early 40's and life was becoming easier. To cut a very long story short, I had baby at 42. When he was 2, and about to start the diagnostic process for autism, my ex decided that having a family wasn't what he wanted after all. He had an affair and left. I'm now in my 50's and a lone parent to our autistic/adhd DS. It's been the hardest job I've ever done. Ex has no contact. I absolute adore my son and have no regrets but I can't pretend that this hasn't been extremely difficult. My ex was unprepared for how life changing having a baby was, let alone a baby with additional needs.

My advice is to think very carefully about this. Consider all possible scenarios. Talk and talk and talk. Ultimately it's you who has to make the biggest sacrifices and it's your body. If you have any doubts at all, don't do it.

I would definitely consider it.

I have been doing my family tree and back in the 1920-1940s, some of my family were still having kids into their mid to late 40s. Obviously not their first... it is possible but you need to really see if it's just his midlife crisis moment and how you feel. A lot of people are having babies later in life.

Be very wary of posters giving unequivocal encouragement, OP. It’s natural to want to use other people’s situations to validate our own choices. It doesn’t mean that the same choices will be right for you.

Did those women have daughters aged 15+, by any chance?

As a pp has pointed out you might want to consider the very common situation back then of an older mother faking a pregnancy to cover for her unmarried daughter. I’m sure some of those pregnancies were natural pre-menopause conceptions but perhaps not all.

My friend had two in her 40’s with a man in his 50’s they are very happy. The key thing is that she really wanted them.
You have to remember that some of the reply’s in here along the lines of I wouldn’t/couldn’t are coming from the point of view of people with less dependent children because they spent the last decade in that phase, they didn’t spend the last decade sleeping in at the weekend, choosing nice things for their home and working a fulfilling voluntary role. You are starting in a very different place to the mother of a teen.
i wouldn’t have another with an 11 year old because I spent the last decade in that phase, I’d say that even if I’d had him at 20 and was only 31. Health wise and energy wise I feel the same as I did years ago.
it comes down to- would you enjoy motherhood? how is your health?

40 is fine to have a baby, pre-contraception women generally had babies well into their 40s. However, 50 is too old - the chances of neurodivergence and other disabilities increases dramatically with paternal age, does he think he'll have the energy to parent a high-needs child when he's pushing 70? It'd be different if you were both 40 now.

I think you'd be mad to consider it!

No I wouldn't - I've actually seen a very similar situation to yours , including being very financially secure. It hasn't been fair on the children - people presuming their Dad is their Grandfather at the school gates and just energy / health deteriorating as time moved on. I also found my pregnancy much harder at 40 than my previous, and as you say risks are increased. Then you need to consider how the baby will be cared for - is it going to be split equal and are you both making sacrifices? Children can be a joy - but seems a knee jerk reaction to hitting 50.

Also, do a timeline of your child's life - for example, when they are going to university, your DH will be 68 at least (may take time to get pregnant). Are they going to be parentless or have duties / worries with respect to having elderly parents in early adulthood?

I'm in my early 40s and have a baby but I already had a 10 year old, so I knew what I was getting into. Do you understand the practicalities of having a baby? She sleeps for two to three hours at a time, so I'm up every night about three times for half an hour to an hour at time. Even when her sleep lengthens, I realistically won't get a full night sleep for a few years. You will be exhausted. That's the reality of parenthood. Just depends if you think it's worth it. That's just one small aspect of it. It's completely life changing.

It was common then. The average age of menopausal has risen since then which makes it even more unlikely.

Bloody menopause. Autocorrect hates me.

Yes to this. People have asked @GeorgiaHunt what does SHE want and she said a Disney family or the type in Tv adverts.

How many of these women on here saying go for it have this idyllic fairytale family?

Just adopt an older child and change someone's destiny forever

Not over40, no

100% - my grandma was 45 when she had my dad. But he had seven older sisters who did most of the practical childcare!

This is a much more momentous task to take on than having a baby. An older child in care will have had serious trauma/abuse/neglect in their history. They will likely have serious attachment disruption. It’s the most difficult kind of parenting not an easy option if someone isn’t sure about being a parent.

Fostering could work well, I know a lovely couple whose own lovely family are adult and now they foster primary aged children, I’ve met them on outings, and they are having a great time.
The couple are professional, and a genuinely great couple, one of them works still, and it just works for them, and when I met them on a day out, they had two really happy kids with them, and although I know you never really know people, they are a great pair, and very close with their older kids and now new grandkids.

It’s a process to be approved, so your husband would have to be keen, it could be hard work, but could be great.

Other than that, you aren’t really too old for children, but having had a few myself, I can genuinely see how lovely it is, not to have children, to have a happier life and more money

In my next life, I wouldn’t have children 🤣😁😉

We'll have a good, honest conversation and I have no doubt he'll understand that unfortunately that ship has very much sailed, and go from there.

OP, my DH is mid 50s and now approaching the same age his own father passed when he was just a young child (under 10) but if anything it makes him an incredible father to our DC. He has a real purpose to his life, living well to be around longer for his own dc. Between us, we’re the oldest parents at the school gate, but who cares? Being older you have a confidence to who you are and not really caring what other parents think. The maturity, security and life already lived are the qualities which would make you amazing parents. Often the trouble occurs when one parent resents not being able to do things that their friends without children can do. The career climb for parents can be severely disrupted by having a family, but sounds like neither of you are in that stage either, which is another advantage you have. Others are waiting for the children to leave home before they do all the things in life you’ve already done.

The ship certainly hasn’t sailed for your fertility at 40 even though many on here have (unfounded) worries about disabilities (a concern that’s associated with our generational upbringing, IMHO). Apart from my own experience, my DSis had her first at 40, currently trying for a second at 42, after meeting her partner at 38, he was 48 when their baby was born. My closest parent friends had their first at 42, second at 45 for one of them, after years of struggles. If there’s any part of you that’s concerned, you could always go to one of the clinics to have basic scans and check your fertility as a couple?

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and a very balanced life, in which children could be a lovely addition, or they may completely turn your life upside down in a way you won’t know if you regret until they’re already in your home 🤷‍♀️ but it’s a decision only you and DH can work out and asking on here may cause you more anxiety over your decision.

Not read the whole thread but similar age difference with DH, 10 years on and I really wanted kids up to 40. 10 years on, menopausal and with health issues, very happy we didn't. He's getting older too, which does make a difference.

My DM had kids late and now I see why she was the way she was and it was all a bit much for her.

https://www.tiktok.com/@freeandwise/video/7182941849101880581

The interviewer in this clip went on to start trying for a family after this interview with Jordan Peterson. What he said definitely hit home for me too.
I was 40 when I had my third child, so it’s not too old if that’s what you want.

Your life now sounds lovely, and having children is hard. There’s no right on wrong scenario here.