DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Having had children at 40 (naturally, first month trying) and 44 (ivf) I would advise no. Being 54 with 10 year olds is not ideal and I am a fit healthy person as is my DH who is 3 years older than me. The decline in energy between 44 and 54 is staggering although that might partly be a tiring job. Plus your child/children may not have cousins of anything like a similar age etc. Now with the huge benefit of hindsight I might have chosen to stop at one. If your DH was your age or younger my advice might be slightly different. The one thing in your favour would be you could afford to buy in help, not be working while knackered, so there is that.

Is your marriage rock solid? Because men do have children into their fifties and older, but usually with their second, younger, wives.

Obviously this might be completely irrelevant to your situation but something to have in mind, maybe.

Another poster who thinks the agreement has expired.

I’m slim, active, don’t smoke and drink moderately. I’m very early 50s and I had neurosurgery on my spine last year. My DH is 60 and is mechanically falling apart with multiple surgeries over the last two years.

I have a daughter with severe disabilities and while I love her to bits and she fortunately has a happy life, knowing what I know and having seen what you see when you have a child with disabilities and meet a lot of other families in similar situations, I would never increase the risk of that. It is very hard.

Exactly what I said. Womens lives are upended when babies come along, mens lives stay the same. They carry on doing everything as they did before. Their career, their socialising, their hobbies. Nothing changes. Women are expected to give up EVERYthing. And they do. Most on here won't admit it, but they do pretty much everything. It's shit, it really is. But that's how it is.

I know a woman - right now - aged 34, who said she is very likely not going to have children, because she knows she will be doing EVERYthing, as her husband (married 8 years, together 11,) doesn't lift a finger in the house now. So he definitely won't lift a finger when it comes to looking after their child(ren.) It will be all her. He won't stop going to his 3 or 4 hobby groups, or going out 3 times a week with his bunch of mates, or have any time off from his big important job. She knows it will be all her.

Why did she marry this useless lump? No idea. But they are mid 30s and 8 years married and still have completely separate finances. If he buys something for the house, he demands 50% back off her immediately. And she does with him. 'I just got a new toaster for £35' she said the other day, 'I will just message him and tell me to send his £17.50 for it to my bank account. I'm not fucking paying for it.'

So I think it's a relationship that is probably best left with no children anyway...

I too would look into fostering.

I feel the change to your lifestyle would be a far greater shock at these ages than what most parents experience in their 20s and 30s.

I cannot imagine how hard I would find it in my 40s and 50s with the loss of freedom, time, finances and energy. Once the child is old enough to give you back that freedom you are too old to enjoy it.

There was time when you were younger and you both chose not to do it, there was a reason for that.

Good luck, you sound like you have a great relationship.

My grandmother had a baby when she was 50. Definitely hers. She thought her periods had stopped because menopause but checked and - baby. Good large Catholic family, no birth control. I'm on a menopause forum and there are regularly women who find themselves pregnant. I'm glad my husband had the snip so the confusion around this time of life can't catch me out. My grandmother lived till that child was 50. She had other children in their 70s at the time.

My husband was 55 when we had our first. He is an exceptional dad. Age brings risks but it also brings wisdom. Have a heart to heart and see what’s changed for him.

I would wonder whether

1. He is having a last minute flap that this is the last possible chance to try.

1. Whether he was potentially lining up another younger woman and mentally positioning himself as having changed his mind about what he wants from life rather than running away and setting up shop somewhere else (admittedly this would be a very very small shadow at the back of my mind and hopefully something you can 100% rule out based on knowing your husband).

Think about what you want. Even if everything went well, you are looking at a major amount of disruption to your life. You have a lot of freedom and enjoyment in life and having kids...well, you are basically a servant for them, first in the younger years and then as a taxi when they are older and they bring a constant gnawing worry about their safety.

I love mine. To the moon and back. But it's hard graft and harder than I thought it would be. Only do it if you want to, like really want to.

You will be close to retirement age when child leaves home so you will still have time to yourselves.

Yep. I know around half a dozen such cases from the past - one in my extended family. Everyone knew (with all of them) but we all pretended we didn't.

Of course he could leave if you says no, but he could also easily leave if you have a kid and he realises it’s not what he wants after all. It’s not like the latter is particularly uncommon.

Don’t have a baby for someone else’s sake. Personally, if my husband pulled this on me and it was something he felt strongly enough about to want to leave, then I would wish him well and wave him off. Don’t upend your life in order to keep someone, there’s no guarantee that you will.

The most important thing here is what YOU want. You'll be the one carrying all the risks and possible permanent health changes of a pregnancy, plus breastfeeding. And realistically given the age difference you'll be the active parent to an older child.

Was this his first with you or first period?

It would be a hard no from me too. I have kids and I really wanted them but this is a decision that really needs to be made a bit earlier in life, not impulsively and right on the cusp of when its too late. Sure, lots of women have healthy babies in their 40s but the risks ARE much higher then (for both child and mother) and there is no point in denying that. Not to mention, as you said, being 60 with a 10 year old isnt ideal for him either. I think its a little different if you've already been through pregnancy as by then you have an idea on how your body handles it and the tiredness involved in having a first baby. The main thing here is what YOU want as you are the one who will have to go through pregnancy/childbirth etc. Its easy for him to say "lets go for it" as he isnt the one it impacts the most.

Why are people suggesting adoption or fostering? Neither are parenting-lite options for people who just aren't sure about the process of having a baby biologically. Far from it

This. I have worked with many adopted teens over the years, some were adopted from birth, some later over, but every single one without exception has had significant emotional, behavioural and/or learning needs that meant they needed a lot of support. All of them wonderful, but not without significant challenges. Adoption is not something to be taken lightly and certainly not to placate a 50 year old man having a mid-life crisis!

Womens lives are upended when babies come along, mens lives stay the same. They carry on doing everything as they did before. Their career, their socialising, their hobbies. Nothing changes. Women are expected to give up EVERYthing. And they do. Most on here won't admit it, but they do pretty much everything. It's shit, it really is. But that's how it is.

Amen to this. The one older dad I know (he’s 70, with a 10 year old) agreed to one more child to appease his much younger partner. And for a long time they had a very unconventional set up where he didn’t even live with the child full time, he just swanned around living his life as before and parenting his other (adult) children. I think the current partner just put up with it, knowing that having a baby was pretty much 100% her responsibility. That was the price she paid for railroading him into another child, pretty much!

It's so refreshing to hear someone describe their life (and their partner!) In such a positive light.

I had fertility issues. By some miracle we had two but, even though we were both wanting a third, we didn't try again. Having gone through the pain of not conceiving and recurrent miscarriages I wouldn't wish it on anyone and i wouldnt put myself through it again however much i wanted another baby.

I think you'd have to bear in mind that you might try and not be successful and once you start to try its very difficult to just step aside and stop. Miscarriage increases with age and is more common than most realise. Trying to conceive is like stepping on an emotional rollercoaster. We tend to want things more when we realise it might not be an option!

Having said all that, my parents had me in their 40s, gave me a lovely upbringing thanks to their financial stability and being more worldly and are still around and in good health.

Raising a child takes two decades/twenty years of your life - for the hands on bit anyway - and then they are back and forth for a few years more nowadays so call it twenty-five…

God willing you will be sixty-five and your husband seventy-five by then.

It’s perfectly do-able if you are committed and determined to make a go of it. Plenty of grandparents raise their gc for various reasons.

If you are fit and well and can buy in help and don’t have to work then it’s the perfect set up really!

Personally, I didn’t find the baby or toddler part hard as an older mother but the teenage years nearly killed me! It’s the worry more than anything. I don’t think you are as stress resistant when older.

Book a fabulous holiday!

In all honesty OP I met my dp two and a half years ago and he doesn't have kids. I have 3 (and also had 10 mcs) was very able to get pregnant easy in my young age. My dcs are now 12. 16 and 21.

We agreed to try for a baby and after a year it hasn't happened. I will admit now. I agreed for him. The 12/13 year gap terrified me! Only 2dc left at home we have a good life together. An excellent social life.

In may we went to vegas. Without the children (they were at their fathers!) and it suddenly hit DP that if we had a baby our lives would changed completely! I would have to change my job as he works away at sea and would no longer be able to work 12 hour night shifts, we wouldn't be able to have these wonderful child free holidays or Saturday nights down the local pub, or meals out, our DC are of an age where we can have that little bit more freedom.

And at 41, I still haven't fallen pregnant. I think because of our age. My coil is going back in next week and next year we are getting married and already have 3 holidays booked

Maybe fostering could be an option?

@blacknredsweeties first period. He’s surprised everyone who doubted our choice to have a family. Unlike op we’re not rich but both working professionals who have very much enjoyed our lives before having children. He does his share with our son and home without question. I think some men are just meant to be dads older. Me on the other hand… younger and absolutely knackered 😂

Kids love bush walking and babyccinos.
You could end up with the Waltons type of family still.

Another thing to note

I've watched DP lose both his parents fairly young, his mum was 60, his dad 70. He was 38. When his dad passed away.

If you went on to have a child he/ she could potentially be dealing with that in their early 20's 😢

Being childfree is wonderful, as you know.

why does he suddenly want to give that up?

I'm 54 with a 12yo and DH is 59. I felt very young for my age at 42 - not so much now after health issues. DH has struggled with the changes fatherhood brings after a 46 years of life being about him, his habits, and his beliefs. There is friction as our child is very head strong and so is he. I feel sorry for my child having older parents and no siblings.We were together 20 years before conceiving. Planned pregnancy. Saying that I adore my child and my DH loves DC very much despite their difficulties. I'd say don't have a child just for the sake of your partner, its jard enough as you get older.

I don't think being 60 with a 10 year old is as tricky as 70 with a 20 year old.