DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I think as others have said you need to be totally honest about how you feel. Im not even 40 with older primary age children and I know my energy levels have dipped since having kids in my late 20’s/early 30’s (and I consider myself fit and active). Also, would he be completely happy to change his lifestyle? Different holidays, different weekend plans, disturbed nights, probably being the only one of his friends with a baby? I’d be wondering why he’s suddenly decided at 50 rather than at some point in his 40’s. Sounds like he’s panicking about not having them.

I’ve got great nieces and nephews he is more than welcome to borrow for a few hours they will definitely change his mind 😂
in all seriousness it would be a No from me
Me and my DH have 16 year old twins I’m 37 he is 46 and I certainly wouldn’t want anymore and especially not now it’s time for us to get a bit of a life back we both work full time and we only see each other on a Saturday and Sunday I know myself that I couldn’t go back to night feeds and all the baby things I’m tired just thinking of it tbh.

If the age thing is a concern. From a personal angle here, I would not exist if my parents hadn't had me when they were in their 40s. I'm not sure if I was planned, but if anything I think it may have kept them younger. My dad was about 47 when he had me. And now he's nearly 80 and we go hiking together.
If anything I would say having older parents was really nice because it felt like they were more developed as people and had chance to live their own life first.
My partners parents also had a kid when they were in their 40s. (not him).

So from my personal experience and view I would sage age is not an issue necessarily.

I think the main question is whether or not you would actually like to have kids. I think not wanting a kid would be a good reason to not have them!

But have a discussion with him perhaps after you figure out what you want.

:)
There is no wrong or write answer. It is what works for you both

I'm nearly 50 and there's no way I could cope with babies, toddlers and teenagers in my 60's. Mine are 18 and 21 and still full on.

Is he having a midlife crisis? Get a dog. It's more rewarding and mine doesn't answer back 😂

I don’t think your ages are the determining factor. I’m 40, have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. It’s exhausting but I also have a really stressful job which you fortunately do not have. Your life sounds wonderful and quite similar to mine before my children came along, although less financial security at this end (we were stable but both still needed to work). It’s a huge upheaval but if I had my time again I would never have had my children any earlier. I enjoy the fact I’m stable in my career, stable financially and have travelled a lot before the little ones appeared. I look forward to those days again, in many years when they are older. Yes, there are risks associated with older parents but I wouldn’t say that is the main thing - the main thing, is do you want a child? Or would you be prepared to welcome a child in the all-consuming manner that children require, if your husband genuinely does now want one, rather than just having a mid-life crisis? Lots of people talking about his age - my father is 70 and yes, he obviously has less energy than when he was younger but he chases around after my children (literally - he physically runs around after them in the park etc.,) as much as I do. Of course it’s not the same as being a full time parent but there are huge differences these days in energy levels when people are older and if your DH is a ‘young’ 50, there’s no reason why he can’t be as involved as a younger father. We live in a fairly affluent area where ‘older’ parents are the norm, and I wouldn’t really think twice to see a 40 and 50 year old with a baby. But it all comes down to whether you actually want one.

I am 40, my husband is 47 and our son turns 1 next week. We've been together 5 years and having a baby had been potentially on the cards for us since we got together. We both had difficult previous relationships to get over so it took a long time to be ready for taking that step.
It got to now or never time for me so it was me that asked him if we could start trying. I was just 38 when we decided to try, it took 6 months in total - at least 2 for my cycle to adjust after coming off the pill, 2 months of sort of trying and then 2 months of actively trying where I tracked my cycle. Neither of us regret having our son at all and he's our whole world. Our lives have changed completely but we still have time for our own hobbies just less frequently. We don't really go out for dinner anymore but we've had plenty of lunches out mainly as a family. I think we both knew we wouldn't want a second child and having gone through the pregnancy and having a baby there is no way we will have another, it's so tiring, but we would make the same decision and have 1 if we had our time again.

It is highly unusual for people to die this young. The likelihood of ill health and death increases with each decade.

A man in his twenties will in all likelihood see his children reach their forties if not older. A man who becomes a dad in his fifties will probably not.

we can all pick out tragic examples of people who sadly does in their thirties and forties while parenting young children. In reality we know a lot more people who die or experience poor health in their fifties and sixties.

having children late in life (and I mean after fifty) is of course an individual choice, and it works out brilliantly for some.

but it’s silly to use one or two examples of people dying young and stating the chances are therefore the same for much older people.

I am 40, my husband is 47 and our son turns 1 next week. We've been together 5 years and having a baby had been potentially on the cards for us since we got together. We both had difficult previous relationships to get over so it took a long time to be ready for taking that step.
It got to now or never time for me so it was me that asked him if we could start trying. I was just 38 when we decided to try, it took 6 months in total - at least 2 for my cycle to adjust after coming off the pill, 2 months of sort of trying and then 2 months of actively trying where I tracked my cycle. Neither of us regret having our son at all and he's our whole world. Our lives have changed completely but we still have time for our own hobbies just less frequently. We don't really go out for dinner anymore but we've had plenty of lunches out mainly as a family. I think we both knew we wouldn't want a second child and having gone through the pregnancy and having a baby there is no way we will have another, it's so tiring, but we would make the same decision and have 1 if we had our time again.

Obviously if you don't want children then you don't, but have you actually looked up the statistics? I think they're fine for a woman of 40 and a man of 50.

Not wanting a child because you don't want one is 100% valid on its own, though!

Yet another thread where @MNHQ really, really need to let OPs either pin their update post or add an update to the OP.

the conversation has evolved into the pros and cons of becoming a parent later in life - particularly for men who can become parents well into their forties and beyond.

that’s okay - you don’t have to follow and OP has her decision so she can disengage.

Glad this ended well. I'm just a few years older than your DH (no kids) and the idea of having school aged kids in late 60s is terrifying!

There are risks with every pregnancy, every birth etc. Only you can decide what you want to do. No one on here can give you the answer. 40 and 50 isn’t too old in my opinion, people are living longer these days. Even young parents can get ill and pass away

I’m going to disagree with a lot of replies and say I think you should go for it! You said that you had previously discussed it and said you would try if either of you decided you wanted to. You don’t have to go down a tunnel of tests and disappointments, just see what happens and you may be pleasantly surprised.
I had my DD1 at 30, all planned and conceived quickly. We then TTC again about 18 months later but it didn’t happen. Years of tests, trying and heartache later we gave up and moved on with our lives only for me to get pregnant unexpectedly at 39. Took a bit of adjusting to. I had always said I didn’t want to be an old mum and having a baby at 40 was never something I would have chosen but do you know what it has been the best thing ever and DD2 has given us so much joy. When I compare parenting a 4yr old now compared to a decade ago I can honestly say I think there are so many benefits to being an older parent. You said you are financially secure, have a nice home and a loving relationship with your partner, sounds like you have the perfect setup to be able to give a baby a wonderful home with lots of love and time. Also I would say that there are loads of first time parents the same age as you and your OH so you are not crazy old anyway!! X

The Op doesn’t want a baby. And it was just a mid life wobble for her husband, he doesn’t actually want one other.

I don't think 40 is that old to have a baby, I definitely think at 45 I could have another and be perfectly fit and well for it. If your partner is also fit and well at 50 I personally see no problem there either. My kids are 15 and 12 and even though I didn't like parenting at all initially I'm glad they are here now as teens. I would not like to grow old without them.

OP has updated. She doesn’t want a baby. For her that ship has sailed, which is super sensible given her husband is 50. She’s decided she doesn’t want to disrupt her happy life with having a late baby when she doesn’t feel a huge biting desire for one. Good for her.

I had mine at 21. Only child I had shed loads of energy. We had so much fun going to festivals and on long bike rides and camping. I was a single mum. But the absolute best times I've had with him have been recently, he's 40 and I'm 61.
He's buying a house. I'm helping him do it up as I'm still quite young. Imagine if I was in my 80s or 90s all those years we would have missed because I'd be too old or not there at all. 0
I hope we'll have another good 20 years together.
Dsis has had a baby at almost 50 and when her DS is 40 she,ll be 90. It makes me sad at the short time of quality life they will have together.
I think children are the priority in our 20s not houses or careers. Those things can be done later on.

I had my daugther at 43. Whether 40 or 43 isnt the question, it´s whether you really want one or not. As you don´t, the answer is no.

I think realistically only you can answer this. Only you know if you want to try for a baby.

I’ve a friend with an 18 year old. She’s now in her 40s and has a 3 and 1 year old with her new partner - she’s basically living the life we all wished for her for so many years (ex partner not good is the brief version). She’s absolutely loving it and it’s wonderful to see!

But she wanted that. You have to want it too - this is not something you can do because someone else wants it. Not at an age where it impacts so many things.

Take some time to think and to talk and see what comes from it - but it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want from what you’ve said.

lots of luck x

I agree with this. I have a similar age gap between me and my dds. Dd1 and I often joke about being old ladies together.

I loved being a young parent, but know it’s not for everyone. I won’t be encouraging my dds to have kids as young as I did, but from their experiences they don’t want to leave it too late and will probably look to have kids between 25 and 30 circumstances allowing. I know this doesn’t work out for everyone, but many people seem to have their priorities a bit muddled. Healthy parents are more important than wealthy parents.

OP, your life sounds perfect as is. In your shoes, I’d just continue to enjoy without risking a huge change that you don’t really want, and may come to regret.

I had my first baby at 39 and it's the best thing I did. Partner was 44. There are no guarantees about anything in this life. I think posters here saying that 40 is too old blah blah are rooting this in personal experiences of having babies younger. I know plenty of people who had children in 40s with partners in 50s. I honestly think I had 20s and 30s building career and enjoying youth and now I'm in a good place to settle down and give everything to my kids. Yes, I may die while they are still relatively young, but you know, I may also live to be 100.

My option is rooted in my experiences but not of having kids younger. It comes from my youngest sisters experience of having older parents, seeing my parents health decline in their 60s, loosing my uncle, grandmother and grandad in their 60 and working in a stroke unit where it’s frightening to witness how the occurrence seems to ramp up once people reach 50, my own mother having one in her mid 60s.

but despite all this, I’d say at 40 if you really want a baby (OP doesn’t) then still go for it. But 50 is too late for me.

• opinion. Stupid autocorrect.