DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I don't think either of you are too old and you are in a great position where neither of you need to work for financial reasons - not sure if that would change with the extra costs of a child. I think the risk around 'geriatric' pregnancies should be ignored but I do frequently see them exaggerated on here.
Ultimately though from what I have read I don't think you sound like you want a child which obviously is a must. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable and it's slightly unfair for people to attribute your husbands desire to have a child just on him turning 50.

Thought I’d just say, and I know lots of others have too, but your ages are not a barrier, my partner is 51 I am 41. Just had our second baby. Midwife said our ages were not an issue to her, and as others said there are advantages to be older.

if you are happy with the life you have stay as you are. Children take up 90-95% of your life and change it unimaginably. But they do add a dynamic you cannot imagine. I am a much better person for becoming a mother. I loved life pre kids but wouldn’t change my situation now either. I can’t go out for dinner on a whim anymore or be selfish with my time but I have also made a new life. I go hiking with mum friends (I have made so many new friends too), I have children that love me unconditionally and I have a damn good excuse for going down slides in parks 😂. Being a parent is so bloody hard but also rewarding.

Don’t use your age(s) as a reason to rule it out, but if you are both happy with life and being as you are for the rest of your lives then you seem to know the answer ❤️

I have a lot of friends who had their first child at 40. (With most of them it was their first and only child, but not all). If that's what you want to do, then go for it. It's not seen as 'weird' these days, particularly as people live so much longer now anyway. I had mine at 34 and 36 and you're not much older than that anyway.

What try it and if you don’t like it or you develop a major health issue when the child’s say 5 you can just send it back, yeah?

If you’d read the OP’s updates you would know that it’s not what she wants to do,that she has discussed with her DH and it’s not really what he wants either,he was having a midlife wobble.

I think the statistic you quoted actually weakens your argument, funnily enough!

If I had to guess what % of births were to mothers over 40, I would have guessed less than 1%, but it’s actually over 4%?? So 1 in 25. Or at least 1 birth every day in every maternity ward in the country. That’s a lot higher than I or anyone would have thought.

You sound like a really lovely and very lucky woman ~ mainly because you know you’re lucky and enjoy your life . Good luck to you OP x

I don't think that you are too old to be parents, if that is what you want. A good friend of mine is currently pregnant with her second child at age 45.

Though there are certainly increased risks to getting pregnant over 40, it sounds like in many other ways you are in an unusually advantageous position, with financial stability, no necessity to work and presumably the ability to pay for any help you need.

Children bring such joy to life, so if you both want to do it, I'd certainly not let your age be a barrier (best get things moving ASAP though!).

Also this.

You sound like you have a perfect life, OP.

It’s certainly giving me (early-30s, still very much on the fence about having a baby) a lot of pause for thought!

OP doesn’t want children though and I’m her updated she’s spoken to her husband and they’ve both agreed that ship has sailed and that it was just a mid life wobble on his part.

having babies in your 40s and 50s is a risk some are happy with, but others are not. You certainly need to really want a baby above all else if you’re going to risk it as you get older. OP doesn’t. She’s made the right choice for her and can now go on living her lovely life.

You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. Least of all random offended older mothers derailing your thread. If they can’t accept that their choices are not for everyone, that’s on them.

All the best.

A fit 50 year old new dad is fine! Know quite a few, hands on, playing football etc, and lots of people giving birth aged 40-44.

Can people read all of the OP’s posts? Her and her husband have decided it was a wobble on his part and have decided the ship has sailed, and they love their life as it is.

I am pleased you came to a conclusion you are happy with.

I don't believe that being an older mum is not hard. Yes you have life experience etc but you also have less reserves in terms of energy etc. Plus you will be perimenopausal in a few years if not so already.

Sure you may have earnt enough money to be able to spend money on a nanny, cleaners etc . However unless you are fit and athletic , I am not sure if you will be able to play sports with your DC for example.

And you will be responsible for your DC up until they are at least 18 and would also need to support them through university etc . Unless you have a nest egg that means you need to be in employment for that time as well

It’s not being a new dad at 50 that I would worry about. It would be still having a very much dependent child when you’re 65. But each to their own.

I am really glad that all of us have helped the op make a decision. She has discussed it with her OH and they have now made their decision they are both happy with. I am very happy they have decided that having a baby at their age is not for them.

Can I remind everyone that the op asked everyone for our help and advice. The best people to give this advice are usually the people who have actually gone through what she was thinking of doing : having a baby at 40!"!!!!!!! She seemed very worried and scared about all the problems. Some of us by talking about our own experiences simply wanted to reassure her that if she decided to have a baby at 40, it was not always going to be the horrible, dreadful and problematic experience she was expecting. and that many other posters kept hightlighing. I am not offended at all. just wanted to offer a balanced and fair argument.

I am just glad we have all helped her make her decision!

In the interests of balance I wanted to offer a counter argument. My DH and I met later in life and initially decided against children but changed our minds. We have two boys aged 11 and 9. I’m late 40’s and DH just turned 60. It has been and continues to be amazing. We have so much love to give them and are financially secure so they have great opportunities too. We have time and patience for them and they are bright, healthy and happy balanced kids.
DH is very ‘young at heart’ and we live our lives to the full.
We are surrounded by family who also love and cherish our boys and we never regret taking the decision.
Just wanted to post an opposing view to the majority, it has worked for us but it is very much a couple decision - talk to your partner to understand his feelings and you will reach a decision together that is right for you both! Best of luck ….

My friend had her children in her 20’s & both her & her husband died when they were 24, 20 & 16. There are no guarantees in life but both parents should really want a baby before deciding to get pregnant whatever the age

Someone else has already suggested borrowing some children (nieces/nephews) for a weekend, an excellent idea, children are a total lifestyle choice and not one that everyone enjoys.

My husband has older parents, his dad was 50 and his mum 42 when they had him… we are both 33 now and his dad is 83 with severe dementia, his mum doesn’t seem to want to learn any modern technology so needs help too. my husband and I can’t move away if we wish, we have to stay living in the area as he has to go round their house daily, this can get quite time consuming when we have a baby on the way.
Growing up my husband was just surrounded by older people which can’t have been fun.

I guess I’m trying to say if it was me I would not have children with a 50 year old man, it’s not so good for the kid.

Well I wouldn't right off the chance, if you both want to try. I was 38 without a child and said to my partner who was late 40s then I wouldn't regret not having a child but would regret not trying. I had my second child and the first I could take home at 40. She's nearly 3 now, I'm 43, yes it's tiring but it's so worth it.

Read the thread. Please.

Maybe he sees friends having grandchildren now and he years for the life they have?

I have two adult children myself and no sign of grandchildren and this doesn't bother me in the slightest. My children are both very career driven but not particularly money driven, they are both good at their jobs and their jobs leave little time for relationships never mind children. But it's their lives and I don't interfere.

However most of my friends children have made them grandparents now. To be honest I feel a bit left out and many of them have become 'grandpatents bores' if you know what I mean.

Maybe this is the situation here. Does your partner only see and hear the 'nice' side of children, the one that the grandparents usually get. Day to day parenting is certainly hard work and very undervalued. I was early 30's when I had mine, and that was hard enough.

Well, I had my 3rd unplanned DD aged 39 3 years ago. DH was aged 49 so we definitely aren't younger parents, but our first two DC gave us an idea of what we knew we were getting ourselves into at this age, in spite of DH being older. Having said that, we are a lot more tired, and find it so much harder than when we had our first DD 12 years ago. Being early 30s is so much easier to have a baby than early 40s.

But let’s not pretend that’s the norm, or that it’s just as common to die in your 40s as it is in your 60s, because that’s simply false.