DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I was 37 when I had my son and now I’m 51 I would say it’s not too old. Yes age does catch up with you but if you are financially well off you can pay for help and if you have a support system I would say you don’t have much to worry about especially if you’re both healthy and fit.
Hard as it can be I wouldn’t want to go through life without having the experience of being a mother. You have no idea what it’s like until you become one, and I mean no idea! Whilst there are many benefits to having children when you are young it doesn’t happen that way for all of us and there has to be a reason for that. If women are still able to procreate naturally at a later age then it can’t be wrong.

Pl read the OPs updates. She has already said her DH has seen sense.
She doesn't want to be a mother of any kind, biological, foster or adoptive

I had my baby at 40. He is 15 now. No problem with pregnancy or birth and he is a very easy child. But I always wanted children. I think the advantage of having him later was that I had done so much else and therefore he was my total priority.

I had my first at 36 and my last at 42. While I love my children to bits, life was quite chilled before, and is not now.

Disabilities can happen at any age. So if you don’t want to risk a disabled child then don’t have them at any age. My child is autistic and I was 32 when I had her - probably classed as old. But I teach disabled children and some of the parents are really young, or were really young when they had them. There are so many disabilities known about these days you basically take the risk when you plan at any age.

I’d also have suggested adoption but to be honest adopting these days isn’t the same as the olden days when babies were taken from single parents and put up for adoption. Nowadays they’re often taken from abusive families, parents who are drug users etc and due to that they sadly also have other issues those children in the care system often need a lot more care and support. Even if they’re were brought up by lovely parents who sadly die or become unable to care, this often means the child will have had some additional trauma. Many disabled children are sadly put up for adoption.

I’m really glad that your husband is still fit and active in his late 60s. I said before everyone’s experiences shape their opinions.

I don’t think it’s responsible to sell having a baby at 57 as a good idea though, anymore than it would be a good idea to encourage a 17 year old to have a baby, though from a physical stand point it would be preferable.

Obviously it happens and you’ve been lucky. My mum is younger than your husband and has a lot of health issues which would make her really struggle to parent a 12 year old. My youngest sister felt the affects of having older parents and she is 24 now! From her experience she wants to start having kids before 30 despite being quite career focussed.

Having kids at a more advanced age is more taking a gamble on a less than ideal situation rather than something to be encouraged. It will work out well for some but not others, just like teenage pregnancy.

I have to agree - I am 40 now and my dad is mid seventies. All of a sudden this previously fit and healthy man is aging and unwell. His previously energetic friendship group can’t go out to concerts, holidays and hiking anymore, some are chronically ill. A number have sadly passed away. This change has happened in the last five years - it all feels very sudden - they are elderly.

I am finding it hard - I am not ready for this phase of life.

I would have really struggled to deal with this in my teens and twenties.

i absolutely understand men can have children into their eighties - but it doesn’t mean they should. And they should go into it considering the impact on their children.

Honestly? At your age, and his, I wouldn’t do it. Your calm, ordered lives would be upended - for years. You might both really dislike parenthood.

At your ages you’re more likely to miscarry/have a child with SEN, and have a difficult birth.

I don’t think he gets to spring this on you at age 50. It’s not fair.

I wasn’t trying to sell the idea. I’m just saying everyone has their own choices and that is my experience. This was ours and we are fine with it. My mum and dad were 40 and 42 when they had me in the early 70s. I only just lost them and I’m in my 50s. I never felt like they were old and this was at a time when everyone was having kids in their early 20s. My husbands mum is 97 and still going strong and fit. My best friend lost her mum when she was 18 and she was in her 40s. My son’s girlfriend lost her dad when she was 3. You can go at any time. Life happens. It’s not perfect. You make the best of it and live for each day no matter what age you are and try to be a good parent.

As I said I’m glad for you. It does make me chuckle though when people say oh but so and so lost their parent young and they had them at 25 etc. like somehow it’s just as common to have huge health problems or pass away at 40 as it is at 65. It’s not, it’s all about percentages of risk and whether or not you’re happy to take that risk for your own family.

my very fit and active MIL has now developed dementia. If she had had a baby at 57 ( not likely I know, due to female fertility) that child would have still been a teenager at the time.

The stand point should be more, we took the risk and so far it’s worked out fine for us. But go and look at the statistics and your own family history and see whether or not it a risk you’re happy to take for yourself. Rather that it’s fine to have a baby that late and everything is great.

I'm 44 with a 5yr old and 14mth old....I have no regrets being an older mum, it's the only experience I know, my energy levels are fine, I'm not exhausted, my kids don't miss out because I'm in my 40's...I got pregnant very easily....I lost 4 babies between 40-42 but not age related, I conceived all of those and my 14mth old 1st month of TTC

Do you have nieces/ nephews that you could spend more time with? I think he doesn’t realize the impact of having kids 24/7 when you’re not used to it. It sounds like you have a great marriage and life together. I’d not recommend changing the dynamics now.

Hi,

You need to think about reasons for having children. It will turn you lives upside down, totally change focus and direction. It does take freedom and independence from your life.

The age in itself may not be an issue. My husband is 52 and we have 6 and 4 year old children. He is young in spirit.

The only thing I would say (I am significantly younger), I have noticed that when children (especially second one) were babies sleepless nights really affected him more than they affected me. But again you said yourself that the work is not the priority for you and there is some flexibility in it.

You sound like you have the perfect amount of time, money and love to foster.

@GeorgiaHunt
I fell pregnant later in life. All through my pregnancy, I portrayed happiness, secretly, I had no idea if I wanted the baby. I had never previously wanted children - too selfish, loved my life and job.
When my LO was born a few weeks ago, I didn’t feel this instant love everyone speaks about, but I tell you what, LO is now 10 weeks old and it’s the absolute best feeling ever! I dote on LO and she’s not been an easy baby either. I’d love more! Go for it!

I don't think your ages should stop you, if you want to. These days 40 for a woman and 50 for a man is no issue really. I had my son at 42 and don't feel too old in the slightest. In fact being 44 with a 2 year old keeps me young!!! I was looked after and had extra scans during the pregnancy. Being young does not guarantee a healthy pregnancy nor does it mean you will live to see your children grow up.
Having said that, you need to think hard above what you want. Not what he wants or your age but do you want to be a mum and bring a child into your lives. Having a child is the hardest thing I have even done. But for me it was the best thing to happen and to think I came so close to missing out makes me feel so grateful. This is a decision only you can make. But please don't let your age put you off, it's very doable!
He should also decide what he wants and if you want diff things, that potentially is an issue. But this isn't something either of you shouldn't compromise on.

I had a baby at 39. He’s now 23 and if I could go back I wouldn’t do it. But I didn’t have your finances. I also had older parents, I think df was 50 when I was born. I distinctly remember crying myself to sleep when I was 16 thinking he was about to die because he’d reached retirement age. It’s a very real fear growing up with older parents, never mind if you can actually cope. I really don’t think it’s fair, and I know both sides of the coin.

Not read the whole thread so apologies if the following points have been made.

• its interesting your now 50 year old husband had decided that you, being aged 40 now, ought to get on with thinking about having a child. Everyone knows the points about women's fertility and risk of having babies as the woman gets older but have you had the conversation with your 50 year old husband that his own sperm might be past their due by date so he is too old or the risks involved actually fall to him?
• if you agree, you go ahead and all goes well and you have a healthy baby i think you should consider the following outcomes which are all possible (i) the baby quite likely be an only child unless you go further and have another or adopt (ii) the baby quite likely will not have an "active" (by which I mean really hands on really energetic) father to your child as he gets older meaning to a greater or a lesser extent you might end up de facto an only parent to the child (certainly on a hands on day to day basis)
• if your partner wants children enough it is not unknown for them (after you have had a child with him) to go off with someone younger so he can have more of his own children. You meanwhile will have sacrificed your own career/body for the sake of his child. This last point please take with a large pinch of salt as I have not read the whole thread so, if it is in this thread, I don't have the background to your specific relationship. If you decide not to try for a child he could also do this (go off with someone younger and try to have children) which I imagine would be equally painful/difficult for you.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm 32 and I lost my dad completely out of the blue last year due to a sudden heart attack. He was 59. Although heart broken, I am so grateful I managed to get 31 long years with him. Had I of been 9 years old (or a small child) this would have seriously impacted my whole life a lot lot worse.

@millymog11 you don't have to read the full thread. You just have to press Read All Posts by the OP to see that she has resolved this issue with her husband, and he is not about to run off with a younger woman.

OP, you sound kind and sensible. Please don’t be offended by any insulting comments on this thread. The AIBU board attracts a lot of angry people!

Best of luck to you and DH in your happy marriage.

Totally agree with you EllieHJ. So many on here keep on pointing out all the negatives of becoming an older mum. Yes we get it. We know! But, thank goodness mums like you EllieHJ , quite a few other on this thread and me never listened to such negative comments and still went ahead and had our babies in our 40s Some of us do not get the luxury of having children at the perfect age or at he most common age of 30-34 years!!!!!!

BTW I got it wrong in an earlier comment. I did not mean to say having a child later and in your 40s would become the norm or the average......... all I wanted to say is that the number is increasing all the time. Thousands and thousands of women every year are having babies in their 40s and producing healthy children. Who knows what science will allow women to do achieve in the near future!

I think 50s are quite old but 40 is still ok. I'd try it. I think maturity could have some benefit in raising kids.

You can't "try" parenting. You either do it or don't do it. There's no returns policy.

Really quite grim that this thread has been so derailed by offended older mothers laying into the OP for not leaping with joy at the prospect of making the same choices they did.

This thread is about her and her husband and their particularly set of circumstances. Not other mothers who had perfectly healthy babies in their 40s, who presumably knew they wanted children.