DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

My advice is to never have a child if you don't want to have it, I don't care what you all agreed to years ago. This is not a horse or sports car or going back to school.
for some reason, men around age 50 get baby crazy sometimes. maybe it is part of their midlife crisis. Tell him to go volunteer to hold babies in the NICU. do you guys do that over there?

@GeorgiaHunt if you were considering it I would also throw into the mix using a donor egg !

@hubbs please read the OP’s last update.

@superbmum

It might only be 6% now but is is an growing and unstoppable trend.

@Superfood

...it is never going to be 'the norm' or anything like it...

Not only is it more difficult to get pregnant after 40, but even if you get pregnant, you have a 40% chance of miscarriage.

You also have a much higher chance of stillbirth, placenta praevia, pre-eclampsia, haemorrhage, gestational diabetes, and hypertension, and that's without taking into account the higher risks of having a child with disabilities or a genetic disorder.

The average age at which women give birth in the UK (not only first babies but all births) is at a record high of 30.9 years.

That average is never going to get anywhere near 40, for the reasons above.

Agree!

@newyearsresolurion · Today 09:56

You can just have one 40 is not that old these days. You don't need ivf...

@Blossomtoes · Today 10:06

40 is the same age it’s always been and biology hasn’t changed. Look at the chart and see how fertility drops off a cliff after 35. It’s really dishonest to keep banging this drum...

Agree with this too!

100% agree with these posts, and I don't know why people always get snarky and annoyed when people say fertility starts to fall off a cliff at 35. It's true. I get sick of the same old parp (ON MUMSNET!) that LOADS of women have babies in their 40s, and 'everyone in my social circle had their first baby at 43,' (and some claim they had 1 to 3 others after that one too!)

In reality, most women will have their first child by 32-34 y.o. And this stupid 'fact' people keep peddling that only the 'middle-class, educated, professionals' have them at an older age just pisses me off. I know loads of women who are police, GPs, nurses, dentists, bank workers, lawyers, P.A.s, vicars, scientists, counsellors, psychiatrists, IT professionals, and so on... who had their first baby by 33-34. MOST had their first by 30.

The oldest I have known anyone have their first is 37. And I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women I know who had a baby at ALL past the age of 40. The amount is vanishingly small. Not that surprising I guess as new mums over 40 are only 6%.

So no, it's got fuck-all to do with my environment, or class, or background, or upbringing, or education; and everything to do with the fact very few women become mothers over the age of 40!

I had my last 2 at 41 and 44. DH was 49 with last. They are fine, we are fine. He is 61 now and semi retired and doing a lot of sport and I fully retired at 50 and have lost all my excess weight and I get more sleep. We’re probably both healthier than we were 10years ago. The bonus side is that we don’t have to worry about money - the downside is that we are older than most of our friends met through school/kids and our other friends all have grown up friends so group holidays and mini breaks are tricky as we’d be the only ones with secondary age children in tow. We tend to only do those midweek in term time and don’t take the kids.
For you it’s now or never. But being an only child of older parents isn’t ideal, could be lonely and a huge responsibility when you are both elderly.
you sound as though you would be in a fab position to foster, and could really change lives for the better.
if you’re not sure you want kids - don’t have them.

I think because with fostering you can do short term so it’s not a lifelong commitment and with adoption they could adopt an older child so that they wouldn’t be so much older that child’s peer’s parents.

Hi, I am 42 the thought of having more children now is a no, we have a 19 and 16 year old. If I hadn’t had children and was in a new relationship not sure. In your situation I think I would foster or adopt.

l had my son at 44. Father 51. Unplanned. Best thing l ever did. We were older & more laid back, had a better financial picture. We weren't the most energetic parents but did football & walking & lots of visiting steam trains. l always thought Mallard was a duck...

Probably going to get berated for this but here goes…..had a friend in high school who’s parents were considerably older. They never really had the inclination by the time she reached secondary school to do much with her, or the energy. She very much ended up looking after them. I don’t think it’s just about you and your husband at this age OP. By the time your child is 20 your husband will be 70! My parents died whilst I was in my 20’s and I found it incredibly hard and felt very cheated at the time I’d had to spend with them. Also, they weren’t around for any special milestones or events. Just something to consider 🙃

Oh my. Reading these comments makes me feel proper judged and virtually ready for dead.
My twins came along naturally 6 weeks before I was 42. Yes it was hard but I have lots of energy and don't feel out of place with the other parents in their year. There is another mum just a bit older than me who had her son at 42. She is a brilliant mum and with lots of energy and verve that many people younger than her cant match.
We are not some other breed of weirdos that shouldn't be having kids. Other (nice and some very horrible) life things got in the way of me having children earlier and part of it was also my choice.
40 and 50 isn't too old if you both want children. But it sounds like you definitely don't as you've come up with all the excuses you need. Please don't make being too old at 40 an excuse though as it really isn't too old for a lot of us.

Wow! That must have blnd sided you.
There's so many Qs . I think first of all you need to consider your own feelings. Let's assume he really wants to be a parent. Could you fall pregnant, are you on the same sheet regards testing, disabilities etc. IVF, nannies, schools, even how many? OKlets say you've got all your ticks....are you both prepared for the risk....yes....OK....are you ready for a change of lifestyle.....yes...OK last Q
Does he want to be a father or is he maybe pondering what it could be like, or regretting not doing it earlier. Even if you would picture yourself being a SAH mum, I would ask him if he's prepared to work part time or give up work to be fhe primary carer and allow you to continue with your interests. If he says no he doesn't want it enough and it's just a middle aged fantasy.
Tbh I don't think it's a good move. Too many variables and risks. If you both said yes today the reality is your child probably wont be here for a couple of years....if at all. Whatever you decide it needs to beca joint decision.
This must be really disconcerting. If you say no, he may feel you stopped him, but no more than he stopped you. He's not daft. He knows there's a window and you're right at the end. What a head f@#k

Please don't take offence; I haven't seen any posters say that they judge anyone for having children when they're aged 40 or older; only that it would be a no from them, personally. Given the statistics and risk, 40 is too old personally, for me, with DH being 50.

I hope my reasons for wanting to stay childfree don't come across as excuses; it's only that I'm more than happy with my life, I don't feel anything is missing and I feel as though if I had really, truly wanted children that it would have been on the cards years ago.

But back to your point; there are lots of huge positives posters have pointed out to being an older mum, such as being more confident, more secure in life, having had lots of childfree experiences so far etc.

No judgement here, only admiration! I think my friends with kids are incredible with what they juggle and do. Being realistic, I don't think I could do it and cope!

Baffled by all these people suggesting fostering.

Op isnt even sure about having biological kids of her own, who would like have none of the issues most adopted/fostered kids have eg severe attachment issues, FASD, pre natal drug exposure etc. Clearly adopting would be likely to be an even bigger disruption to their very stable lives, in the UK where adoption tends to be a last resort involving primarily kids exposed to rather severe trauma.

I’ve just had my second at 41, I know someone that had their first at 50. If you want a baby, go for it, if not then you need to say no. Kids are an amazing thing, only if you truly want them tho x

with adoption they could adopt an older child so that they wouldn’t be so much older that child’s peer’s parents.

Older children in the care system in the uk typically have high levels of need, aggression, educational & health issues, learning disabilities and even violence can be common. You have to really, really want to adopt, with every fibre of your being.

'Baffled by all these people suggesting fostering'

I know. It's a ridiculous, ill-informed thing to say. Childfree people get this often if they express the slightest doubt - 'oh well you could always foster / adopt', as if you just go and pick a child off the shelf and they are eternally grateful for your incredible generosity. Or that its some kind of 'parenting-lite', easy option for people who just couldn't be arsed to have biological children. Awful

40 is the same age it’s always been and biology hasn’t changed. Look at the chart and see how fertility drops off a cliff after 35. It’s really dishonest to keep banging this drum...

This!! Loads of my friends tried to have babies in early forties (mostly trying for a late second or third, some going for a first they didnt realise they wanted.

Only one managed it, with ivf, after two clinics couldn't do anything as her eggs weren't great. It cost her a fortune and she was terrifically lucky.

Theres a reason that of the 625,000 or so births in 2021, only 27,000 were to mothers over 40. Less than 2,000 were to mothers over 45, and if you investigated the numbers for 40-44 in more detail you'd find they were heavily weighted to mothers just 40/41, rather than 43/44.

I am single, career driven and have no desire to have children.

but I am a pretty amazing aunt. Yet People have suggest I should foster.

i am completely unsuited. I admire people who do it - I work ten hours days and have no experience of managing children with complex needs. But I have a few spare bedrooms🧐

It must have been such a surprise to hear that. I'm sure there are lots of considerations and concerns about being older parents, but they can also be amazing times too. However you decide to be parents either naturally or adopting, you'll be amazing parents. You've lived your life and have a world of experience. I know many older mums and they are amazing parents. Good luck with your decision.

I had a baby at 36, I’m now 37. To be honest most of the mums in my baby classes are that age and older, one friend is 40 and has a lovely healthy little boy. It does make things harder but if your partner could financially drop a day as well - you’d be in a position of having much more help than the average mum. And you could also just go back to volunteering part time etc.

My baby is just the best and being a mum is amazing. Hard, but amazing. They’re also great for taking on holidays as they still nap a lot etc, if you would still want to travel. I breast feed but I do combination feeding and he has a formula bottle at bed that dad does etc. there’s ways of making life easier. It really depends on what you want though

It doesn't sound as though you are keen - so it should stop right there.

But - if you are thinking about it seriously, then as a Mum who had DTs (my first and only children) aged 44 I can highly recommend it! I know PPs have quoted some sad cases of people being orphaned young , but that can happen to any family, unfortunately, and is always a gamble. My DCs are now mid teens and I hope to be around a lot longer - but who knows.......

Was talking to a male friend recently who is early 60s. He's had several long term relationships but never settled - I suspect partly because he never was bitten by the family bug. But he said his one regret now in life was not having children! I think this was brought about by his sister having a little girl whom he absolutely adores (and can give back ) - but maybe the biological clock isn't just a female thing?

Only you and he can really decide - so have that chat. Even if you go for it, it may not happen (we had lots of help) - but it has to be a joint thing. But if it's just the older parent thing is putting you off - then I can highly recommend it, it was the best thing ever for me even though I had a great career before that which I had to give up........! And funnily, we haven't really minded the lack of nights out, different holidays etc since having children. But you would if you weren't keen in the first place. And as a PP said, the child really has to be wanted by both parents!

Good luck, whichever way you go.

YABU
You have all the right to not want to have kids.
Just stop funding other excuses to not have.

The really unfair thing for people who DO want children is that age does not matter for the father. Women are born with every ova (egg) they will ever have, and they do degrade, to one degree or another, over time, meaning that women are more likely to have issues when they get pregnant later in life. Not a given by any means, but more likely. MEN, on the other hand, manufacture those little tadpoles continuously from puberty to extreme old age. Now, things slow down, and there aren't as many of them, but they are fresh and ready. His age is not a factor, other than he will be over 70 years old when your child, should you have one, is through the lower levels of school. And 60 years old when a possible son wants to be doing football with Dad in the backyard. Be sure to take that into account, and, should you decide to try, insist on full physical workups, preferably with a specialist, before making that final decision.

Paternal age is most definitely a factor. It’s not just a question of fewer slower sperm. The older the man the higher the likelihood of genetic mutations. They can father children to an advanced age, whether they should is a different matter.

Wow. There are a lot of negative comments here. I had my third at 40 and my husband was 57. We have 3 boys. 20,17 and 12. They are happy healthy and thriving. My husband is involved, fit and a great dad.