DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I think people just say it to be obtuse.

My dad was 50 when I was born (mum was 38) and died when I was 17. Just saying.

I’m also amazed at all the people suggesting fostering. I would have thought the best people to do that would be those who have some experience of parenting.

Sorry. My post came across more harsh than I meant. Yes do what feels best for you, I was just trying to express ( badly) that a child at 40 is not necessarily a bad thing. Can be wonderful. Apologies

I can’t comment on either of you personally, but my father was 53 when I was born and he was a fantastic dad! I didn’t feel I missed out on anything.

oops meant to say it is becoming the norm / more normal because it is increasing year on year (the whole point of the newspaper article) It is no longer seen as that unusual. More women than ever before are having children in their 40s , more women in their 40s are having babies than teenagers! More and more women are delaying having children for all sorts of reasons (career, finances, debt). Infertility rates are increasing so it takes longer for many more to get pregnant and IVF can delay things further as it is often a very lengthy process. So much seems to be contributing to women having their children later and later. It might only be 6% now but is is an growing and unstoppable trend.

I am sure some of you know this already but you are considered a "geriatric mum" - at the age of 35 by doctors ...... discovered this when I had my first dc in my late 30s! 😂 I hope they consider changing it, as I found it slightly offensive. 😂

It might only be 6% now but is is an growing and unstoppable trend.

it is never going to be 'the norm' or anything like it.

Not only is it more difficult to get pregnant after 40, but even if you get pregnant, you have a 40% chance of miscarriage.

You also have a much higher chance of stillbirth, placenta praevia, pre-eclampsia, haemorrhage, gestational diabetes, and hypertension, and that's without taking into account the higher risks of having a child with disabilities or a genetic disorder.

The average age at which women give birth in the UK (not only first babies but all births) is at a record high of 30.9 years.

That average is never going to get anywhere near 40, for the reasons above.

You can just have one 40 is not that old these days. You don't need ivf.

40 is the same age it’s always been and biology hasn’t changed. Look at the chart and see how fertility drops off a cliff after 35. It’s really dishonest to keep banging this drum.

Just to update, had a good chat with DH and we both agreed that the time really has passed, considering our ages and a few other factors.

While the idea appealled to him, I think pointing out the reality (even with a happy, healthy baby and no fertility issues) was enough to make him think again.

I was glad that he aired his thoughts, it was a long overdue discussion really.

Thank you again for all the replies, advice and anecdotes, I'm very glad I started the thread and felt validated with my initial reaction!

40 has always been 40, obviously!

But society has progressed and very few women now want to get pregnant in their late teens- mid twenties which is biologically the optimum age. Girls are now educated and expect to have careers as well as travel and other life experiences before the commitment of children. The OP would certainly not be madly unusual if she had a child at 40/41.

The key issue here is that only one partner really wants to try for kids. I find it bizarre that this was the arrangement - that they'd try if one partner wanted to. Surely it's a decision both partners need to be in agreement with? Otherwise it's hugely unfair on the potential child

Good outcome @GeorgiaHunt. Now you can both get on with your lovely lives and never give it another thought. Here’s to childfree happiness 🥂

Glad it’s all sorted!

Glad it was just a last minute wobble. He’s had to change the mindset from “maybe one day” to “it’s too late and we’ll never have one”. Which I think is quite a transition for everyone.
I know I felt like that when time ran out for a third baby. I knew I didn’t want more, but there is a tiny bit of you that hates the option being removed forever because of age.

I thought that might be the case, OP. Just a wobble. Carry on up the Khyber😀

Well done OP- perfect way to resolve it. When we think of kids before we have them I think we all have this rose tinted ideal of wonderful children telling us they love us and their behaviour is perfect but the reality is very different.

I was the perfect parent until I had kids 😆 Dont get me wrong- I wanted them and I've never once regretted that decision but its very hard work and nothing like the ideal that was in my head beforehand.

Great update, sounds like your relationship will continue to go from strength to strength.

You really need to sit down and speak with him because if it’s something he really what’s that in itself can really cause resentment down the line . Work together , you obviously been doing that well .
None if you is wrong in any way , he has the right to wish for children and seek them and you have the right to not want children .It seems you amar who your mind on or wanting any . The real question is will your relationship last or will resentment now or 10 years from now hit you hard .

Try reading the thread - or at least OP’s latest update.

Aw, I love a happy ending!

Thanks for the update @GeorgiaHunt , glad you've managed to resolve it between you.

If you both really wanted this I’d definitely say go for it.

Personally I don't think having a baby at 40 is bad. I knew a woman who got pregnant at 42 unexpectedly she actually thought she was going through the menopause until she found out she was pregnant. She had a fairly straightforward pregnancy and the baby was born healthy. Back in my grandma's day people waited until they were married and financially settled before having kids so they didn't have them until they were older. I think it's seen more of an uncommon thing now for women to wait to have babies because of the culture of girls as young as teenagers having babies more now.

If you feel strongly against having a baby at this point in your life now then I would have an open and honest discussion with your dh and let him know how you feel about it. Sounds like you uave a very strong marriage so chances are nothing will change and you will both continue to live your happy lives together.

I had DD1 at 41 and DD2 at 42. Purely because I didn’t meet exH until I was 38. So it’s definitely doable. But what a life change … someone once said to me when I was pregnant with DD, ‘It’s like Alice going down the rabbit hole, nothing will ever be the same again’. I had no idea what she meant and low level resented it … If I ever met her again I’d shake her hand and thank her for the warning! On a daily basis I send my childless (by choice) friends, reasons not to have children, based on my day I think we’re at # 29954 now 😂

Can I ask were these the women? How old were they and was it natural ?

Go for it!
Unless you really are against!
I was 41 when I had my youngest, best decision ever!