DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

My take on it is that neither of you are wrong- he’s not wrong to have changed his mind and now want a child (if indeed he really has, rather than a slight panic at turning 50) and you aren’t wrong to not want one. He’s not been unfair to bring it up, just as you are not being unfair to say “hang in, I thought that ship had sailed and I don’t want children”.

Sit down, talK it through and come to a conclusion. I think in your shoes I would want to be sure that this is not just some “turning 50 crisis” and something he has been mulling over for a while before I agreed to even think it through any further. Ultimately, a child should be wanted by both parents and if you really don’t then you shouldn’t have one to please your DH (and vice versa).

If you decide, having weighed it up, that you definitely don’t want a child then that is end of the matter from your point of view. Whichever you decided would be reasonable.

What he does once he knows that decision is up to him, and whatever decision he makes is not unreasonable. From what you’ve said, I very much doubt it’ll spell the end of your relationship, but if it does then it would just be a consequence of a diversion of where you want your lives to go. Again, you would not be unreasonable to stick to your choice regarding being child free, it’s ok for people to change their mind too (both him and you).

My mum was 36 and my dad was 46 when they had me, so similar situation.Whilst of course I am glad they did, I wish they had got married then started trying for a baby sooner, as the age gap between myself and my dad did make me feel quite disconnected from him.He was the same age as my friend's grandads,and from a very different generation, and was quite old fashioned.

When he died in November 2021 I was only 34 and had a 3wk old baby.He was able to see me get married and have my first child, but he only got to be a grandparent to her for 4 years, and never met my youngest.

So IME it isn't ideal....how about looking to Foster or adopt an older child? Sounds like you have alot of love and a privelidged and happy, stable life to give to a child, and would solve the age issue.
As long as you are both going in with eyes open about the committment and sacrafices involved.

One of my best friends is the child of parents about a similar age. She's 30 now and both her parents have all their marbles, other friends have lost younger parents prematurely. I'd say go for it and fuck your age if you're healthy enough, you sound like you could provide a very loving and stable upbringing for a child

You will find people on here saying it was really hard being an older parent and they regret it. You will find other people saying it was the best thing they've ever done.

For me the point is, I dont think it's actually fair that he is saying this now. He is statistically more than half way through his life. He would be retired before his child finished school. He has waited to an age where its statistically fairly unlikely to go smoothly. Which makes me think that actually it's not that he wants children, its that he has waited til a point where it's not realistic but the fact that he has asked now, means that the responsibility for not having children is now not his so he cant feel any regret or anything. He has giving you a really difficult pressured last minute decision to make so that he doesnt have to make it

Let just hope it’s only the childfree who are reading your ‘point’ and not the childless. I hope you’re bringing your children up to have more empathy and sensitivity than you do.

Well I hadn’t seen those comments, but my deepest apologies. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me

I would have hated to be 10 with a dad over 60 - and everyone thinking it was my grandad.
I think he's being selfish here.

Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.

Rude and inaccurate. The chance of carrying a healthy baby to term, naturally, over 40, is much lower.

You're chances of getting pregnant within 12 months is 50%, which is not the same as each cycle. Your chances of getting pregnant within 6 months is just 20%, less than half what they were in your 20s.

Actually your chance of getting pregnant in any given cycles is 5%. Then a 40% chance of miscarriage.

would have hated to be 10 with a dad over 60 - and everyone thinking it was my grandad
What a bloody feeble reason imho, making such an important decision based on people's looks and what others think. There are a LOT of women in their 30s looking 20 years older (oh they've lived the life and it shows) as there are a lot of men who look utterly and deliciously fab in their 50s who could pass for a 30 y.o.. Take about ageism!

No, not really as my child is now an adult

How ever fit and healthy they are I’m yet to meet a man (or woman for that matter) in his 50s who looks like a 30 year old.

I don’t think anyone should be selling having a baby over 50 as a wonderful idea. It happens and sometimes it works out ok. But the law of averages are against you. at best your child will likely be caring for an aging parent and a young family at the same time.

Anything can happen at any age to anyone. Of course it can. But let’s not pretend that the odd are the same if you have a baby at 50 than if you have one at 30, because it’s just not true.

choosing not to have children is a valid life choice and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most people find other ways to fulfil their lives that don’t involve procreating and most certainly don’t live like perpetual 20 somethings like one poster suggested.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname Don't put words in my mouth please...! I said nothing about whether 50 is too old or not old enough. I didn't give my opinion. This poster said nothing about caring for older parents etc etc. They made a comment about "looks" and I responded about "looks" nothing less, nothing more. Don't extrapolate, there's no meat in what I said for you to go there!
I'll paraphrase what I said for you though: decisions that have an impact in our life till the day we day we go to our grave should not be made based on how anyone looks. Having a baby is not about "aesthetics". Having a baby isn't only for pretty people, the ugly are allowed too!

only my first paragraph was really directed your reply. Maybe I should have made the a bit clearer, but thought it was obvious. Apologies for any offence.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname No worries, no offence taken! Let's be friends, life's too short to waste energy on people we don't even know. 😘

Because others seem to have a red line in terms of procreation and see fit to issue that proclamation on threads like this.

we don’t turn to dust if we conceive over 40 or all have children with health / development problems.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname I agree with you. My dad died suddenly at at 69, but lets face it having a sudden massive heart attack or stroke at that age is hardly rare sadly. I wasn't 30 yet and felt far too young to have lost a parent, how much worse would it have been at 19?!

Agreed 😁

Exactly. My mum had a stroke at 65, she did recover but it was a stressful time. Luckily one of my sisters and I were mid 30s and dealt with everything. It would have been incredibly hard on my 23 year old sister, the one born in her 40s, if she had been an only child. It would have been even harder if she had been a 15 year old only child.

our experiences shape our opinions.

sorry for your loss.

sorry for your loss
thank you, and sorry for the difficult time you had with your mum, I'm glad your younger sister had you. I also luckily had older brothers and you've just made me realise that it would indeed be an extra challenge having older parents if there were no older siblings present, that's a really good point.

No one is saying that, though.

Of course there are women who get pregnant and have healthy babies after 40. Plenty.

However, there are increased risks associated with having babies later in life. That is just a fact and it's not bad to acknowledge it and also factor those risks into whether or not you want to TTC after 40.

It doesn't help anyone to pretend that those risks don't exist and that it won't be harder to get pregnant after 40 and that everything will be just peachy because it might not be. Yes, that can happen with any pregnancy at any age, however, the risks increase with age.

This isn't a case of "Oh, look she's over 40, best throw her in the bin now!" It's just a case of looking at the cold, hard facts.

There's been lots of posts from people diminishing the risks of it when that's just ignoring facts with anecdotal evidence because their friend Sarah got pregnant for the first time at 48 and everything went swimmingly. You likely won't hear as many stories of the women who struggled and couldn't get pregnant after 40. Or the women who couldn't carry to term. Or the women who didn't have a healthy baby with factors linked to their age.

That's just reality. You always hear about the good news stories because people love to talk about them. You rarely hear about the bad news stories for obvious reasons.

If you’re not sure you want your own children you definitely don’t want someone else’s.

I hate when people trot put adoption- worst and last decision from someone on the fence about children especially with a very nice life at 40. Why on earth would you want someone else's’ child?

Could you adopt? Lots of children need a home ❤️ or foster?

Adoption is a pretty grueling process, definitely not for someone who's on the fence about becoming a parent.

I have already commented about fostering and adoption being suggested as a alternative to having children.

the Children that need a home need very special people who are equipped to deal with the trauma and abuse many of them have suffered. I would never discourage someone who wants to do it - but I am astounded that people suggest it with no inkling if the couple could cope - or want to cope - with fostering.

Foster parents are amazing - but it is incredibly hard work. It’s not something to do on a whim or to placate a husband who is really too old for a baby but who thinks he might quite like to be a dad.