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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 17:39

mydogisthebest · 15/07/2023 17:28

Why would choosing to be childfree mean living like a 20 something forever? Me and DH are in our 60's and live like 60 year olds although we don't have the worry and stress of children, grandchildren etc. We don't find our lives boring at all

Show quote history

Well, the thinking behind that comment is that you are only a proper adult when you have children. Childfree people remain immature throughout their lives.

Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 17:43

CleverLilViper · 15/07/2023 17:29

It's not a matter of if you can get pregnant and carry a healthy pregnancy and baby after 40.

Of course you can. As you've seen, everyone and their mum will tell you all about their success with having a family after 40 or the fact that they know someone who had their first at 49.

It's a matter of whether or not you actually want to have children. It sounds like you don't. It also sounds like your H has hit 50 and had a bit of an existential crisis which may have caused him to question his life, choices and what options he now has. If this is the first real indication that you've had of him wanting children in 15 years-it's hugely unfair to put it on you so late in the game.

It's very easy for men to change their minds on having kids or to suddenly start wanting them. They have a larger fertility window, for one. For two, it isn't their bodies and health that is being sacrificed to pregnancy. For three, typically, their lives can remain relatively unscathed by having a child as the mother takes on the majority of the burden of caring for the children.

That's why it's so imperative for you, as the woman, to be sure that having children is actually what you want. If it's not a 100% yes, it's 100% no.

As far as the "What if you're lonely when you get older and regret not having kids," types of comments-is fear of regret or loneliness ever a good reason to create a life? Isn't it a bit selfish to have a child just to keep you company in your dotage or to provide care for you?

The Jordan Peterson clip (and I don't actually mind him all that much) is off. He speaks from the perspective of a man who wanted a family and wanted children to be part of that family. Therefore, a life without kids for him, would have been quite meaningless and felt empty after 45. That's not really the case for those of us who choose to not have children and don't have any desire to have them. We find our meaning in other places and I have seen countless posts and heard countless parents talk about how lonely they feel so having kids isn't automatically a remedy for loneliness, either.

There is also the longer term ramifications of having children older. Yes, you may be able to successfully carry a healthy child to term. You may also have a good number of years with that child before age truly becomes a factor (depending on how fit/active and healthy you are) but at some point, a lot sooner than many, that child may have to face providing care for their parent/s whilst their friends are off out, partying. Or facing losing their parent/s at a much younger age than they should have to face it.

And yes, of course, even young parents can get seriously ill and need care or pass away, however, there's a greater likelihood of it hitting the child young when the parents are older to start with.

Many will try and convince you that having children over 40 (and 50 in your H's case) is no big deal, but look at the bigger picture and try and scope out the future a bit to see what that could look like. Many people report dealing with increased health concerns after 60. So, if you had a child when your H was 52, that would make the kid not even a teenager and their dad already has issues.

Hopefully you're able to have this conversation with him and be honest about how you feel. It doesn't sound like he's the kind of man to hold the agreement over your head-but if he does, I'd give him a sharp reminder that he's had 15 years to make his apparent desire for children known and he hasn't done so-the agreement is done.

This is the only post you need OP. Very well put.

superbmum · 15/07/2023 17:48

This is a difficult topic and decision to make. My heart goes out to you op. Sorry, but I have not read the whole thread, so might be going over comments already made, but here are some of mine:

I got married late and was lucky to have my children late. Had my second one in my 40s. That was 20 years ago. Things have changed now, more and more women are having children later and later. Having a child in your 40s is the norm! See this article from the Mail....... printed last month:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-12148659/Record-number-women-FORTIES-having-children-says-CDC.html

I haven't read the whole thread sorry. But the thing that strikes me is:
You agreed with your husband that if either of you wanted children then you would! He has maybe put the decision off, thinking you both had time as you had this agreement in place. Are you saying you have now changed your mind about this agreement because he has finally made a decision? You should have let him know sooner that there was a cut off point.

If you have changed your mind about this agreement and now really don't ever want children that 's fine, but you should allow him to have children. Maybe with someone else? Suggest it to him and see what his reaction is;

Two other major reasons that put people off having children is not having enough money and having to work. You are lucky that have said you don't need to work and don't need to worry about money. Again fine if you want to continue your lovely life. You are only 40. Are you going to spend the next 20 or 30 or even 40 years together regretting this decision?

Record number of women in their FORTIES are having children, says CDC

Official data showed that the birth rate for women aged 40 to 49 had risen to record levels in the United States, as more women put off having families until much later.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-12148659/Record-number-women-FORTIES-having-children-says-CDC.html

Farmageddon · 15/07/2023 17:55

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 16:01

If that's how you feel then maybe don't do it. For me I couldn't imagine not having kids, would it not be a bit boring to live like a 20 something forever? But maybe I lack imagination. Also looking forward to 15 years time when mine will be all grown up and having that relationship.

Yes, you lack imagination if you can't possibly think there are people who want to live differently than you.

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 18:01

mydogisthebest · 15/07/2023 17:28

Why would choosing to be childfree mean living like a 20 something forever? Me and DH are in our 60's and live like 60 year olds although we don't have the worry and stress of children, grandchildren etc. We don't find our lives boring at all

Show quote history

Yes @Boomboom22 certainly lacks imagination.

I am forty and don’t have children. My life is not boring and I dont know many 20 somethings who live like I do! I sit on several Boards, I travel extensively for work and for pleasure. I have a beautiful home that I am renovating and I manage a large team of highly skilled professionals.

@Boomboom22 lots of people
have different lifestyles. It’s not binary. Perhaps once your children are older you can get out into the world and see how other people live? Perhaps your children will be child free - if so don’t try and shame them. Life is a wonderful adventure - lots of different paths to take.

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 18:07

Having a child in your 40s is the norm!

6% of all live births really isn’t the norm.

LightDrizzle · 15/07/2023 18:13

“Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.”

… or Miss Positivity in recognising her current good fortune and quality of life and being content with it, even though it doesn’t include children.

Children have never been very high on the OP’s agenda, nor her husband’s. That’s very different from someone like me for whom having children was always incredibly important for as long as I remember. The thing is very few parents would wish their actual children away because if course once they are here, we love them intensely, but that’s different from objectively saying your life is better with them than if you’d NEVER had them, I think a lot more parents are more ambivalent as to that.

For me, not having children would have made me very unhappy, but the OP IS happy. In her shoes I think the risk to her overall happiness of having a child now is quite large. Why take it?

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 18:16

Indeed. Why fix what isn't broken? I very much doubt her DH has a burning desire for DC. He seems to be having a few pangs.

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 15/07/2023 18:23

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 16:01

If that's how you feel then maybe don't do it. For me I couldn't imagine not having kids, would it not be a bit boring to live like a 20 something forever? But maybe I lack imagination. Also looking forward to 15 years time when mine will be all grown up and having that relationship.

I'd say you're lacking more than just imagination if you think that every adult who doesn't end up as a parent spends their life as an eternal 20-something.

Catusrusty · 15/07/2023 18:25

felissamy · 15/07/2023 17:22

“New baby at 40 unbelievanly hard....” what a load of rubbish. Was easy for me and I had all the career striving behind me. Some people talk nonsense. And for DP at 50 no 1, then 2, was great. He retired and did primary chidlcare. Best decision ever! I think there is no generalisation possible, but offensive and misleading opinions should be kept inside your traps. Only OP can know if she wants to try.

What a mean post. The OP asked for opinions and people are giving them. It's not for you to tell people not to contribute.

OP, I couldn't do it. I just don't have the energy and wouldn't have had at your age. I'm a handful of years older than you, into menopause and by God the impact of that cannot be understated.

My BIL and SIL started having kids about a year of two younger than you and your DH.

It's been a massive shift for them as they were free to please themselves for so long. It's hard to emphasise the huge mental change that becoming a parent entails. The kids are lovely but you can tell they don't really have the energy for them and the kids are very full on. They've ended up sort of splitting the duties tag team style, and you can plainly see they resent it when they have to be the one taking charge.

I know they love their kids, but goodness they look exhausted and unhappy all the time and the kids have undoubtedly put a huge strain on their marriage, they just don't seem to like each other as much as they used to.

I'm sure it's absolutely peachy for some people but I think your heart has to really be in it to make it work.

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:26

All the ones I know do and they are now 50.

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Also many parents sit on boards and are ceo's too.
If everyone didn't have kids they'd be no society at all, it is biology.

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 15/07/2023 18:29

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Also many parents sit on boards and are ceo's too.
If everyone didn't have kids they'd be no society at all, it is biology.

Brain of Britain here. So relieved you blessed the world with your progeny.

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 18:29

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:26

All the ones I know do and they are now 50.

Boom boom you fascinate me😊

so you believe that everyone who doesn’t have children is bored and lives like a 20 something?

tell us about your life. Are you in a professional job? Do you travel much- leave your home town regularly? Do you have a large circle of friends?

you seem to have stereotyped a large proportion of the populate based on one or two people you know?

it all seems very limited and a bit odd

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 18:31

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Also many parents sit on boards and are ceo's too.
If everyone didn't have kids they'd be no society at all, it is biology.

Of course they do - I don’t think you understood my post at al🫣🫣🫣🫣.

you did people without children live like people in their twenties - I was explaining that I don’t have children and don’t live like I am in my twenties.

I know dozens of successful, interesting people who are living like fully fledged adults who just happen to not have children.

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 18:31

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 15/07/2023 18:29

Brain of Britain here. So relieved you blessed the world with your progeny.

Show quote history

Brilliant!!!!

CleverLilViper · 15/07/2023 18:32

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Also many parents sit on boards and are ceo's too.
If everyone didn't have kids they'd be no society at all, it is biology.

The vast majority of people will have kids at some point in their lives.

A few people making the choice to not have children is not going to bring about the collapse of society.

Not everyone should have kids. Some of us, me included, wouldn't make good parents. I don't have the will to care for a child. Should I have them just to avoid looking like an eternal 20-something?

Just because some people don't have kids, whether by choice or circumstance, doesn't mean we don't have responsibilities. We just have different responsibilities to parents. Some of our responsibilities will even cross-over.

You absolutely lack imagination and perhaps empathy if you really can't think outside of yourself and imagine that other people are different to you with different wants and needs. And that children are not the only pathway to happiness. They are a path to happiness for many-but not for all.

KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 18:34

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:26

All the ones I know do and they are now 50.

You mean they are all out clubbing and snorting coke every night?

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:36

Haha I think the child free are proving my point on here.

Farmageddon · 15/07/2023 18:36

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Also many parents sit on boards and are ceo's too.
If everyone didn't have kids they'd be no society at all, it is biology.

Given there is more than 8 billion people on this planet and we may be competing for resources in the future, I don't think a few people choosing not to have kids is a bad thing...

CleverLilViper · 15/07/2023 18:37

KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 18:34

You mean they are all out clubbing and snorting coke every night?

Show quote history

The clubs are full to bursting with over 50s, childfree people, hiding in the toilets, snorting coke every night.

It's the latest craze hitting the country.

CleverLilViper · 15/07/2023 18:38

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:36

Haha I think the child free are proving my point on here.

I think you're proving everyone else's points each post you make but not in the way that you desire.

Notamum12345577 · 15/07/2023 18:38

Maybe point out to him that a woman having a child over 40 has a much higher risk of having a child with Downs Syndrome?

3BSHKATS · 15/07/2023 18:39

Notamum12345577 · 15/07/2023 18:38

Maybe point out to him that a woman having a child over 40 has a much higher risk of having a child with Downs Syndrome?

16 pages and and you’re the 1st to mention that congratulations. Take yourself an Apple 🍎

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 18:42

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:36

Haha I think the child free are proving my point on here.

Your point was that people without children live like twenty somethings.

people (with and without children) have come on to challenge your point and explain that the world is a big place full of lots of different people leading very different lives.

Your post demonstrated a lack of imagination, intelligence and understanding. I don’t think any of the responses have proved your point. I see no reposes from older adults who seem to be stuck in their twenties?

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