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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Lentilweaver · 15/07/2023 16:02

You sound very wise, OP. Your rationale is sound.

dressedforcomfort · 15/07/2023 16:11

Had my DS just before my 40th birthday. He's 9, I'm majorly menopausal and struggling with energy levels. I have to work extremely hard and staying fit and trying to balance symptoms. If I was to do-over, I'd have had my son in my early thirties....

A new baby at 40 is unbelievably hard. A new baby at 50 is just plain selfish IMO....

Whiskeypowers · 15/07/2023 16:16

@dressedforcomfort
”A new baby at 40 is unbelievably hard.”

Wasn’t for me.
Isn’t for loads of women.

marmaladeslade · 15/07/2023 16:22

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 15:53

Apologies if I gave that impression - I wouldn't say I'm scared of not getting pregnant if we decided to try - more that I really don't fancy getting on an emotional rollercoaster of trying, which from what I gather with friends, can be an intense tracking of cycles, awful miscarriages, lots of tests etc.

I'm very content with my life as it is and although I have the odd pang of 'what if' I don't regret being childfree.

I definitely would have been an awful parent if I'd had a baby in my 20s or 30s! It's only the past few years I've found myself (cheesy, sorry) and have far more patience and confidence now. If I had felt like this 10 years ago I may well have wanted to try. I think I just accepted my lot in life (which is an amazing lot) and drew a line under it. I may not have actively decided not to have children, but time has made that decision.

Even if I could guarantee a an easy, carefree pregnancy quickly and have a happy, healthy and laid back baby, I still know of course it would be hugely life changing along with a truck load of worry about them. Life without that permanent stress and sacrifice is definitely looking more appealing!

And as PP have pointed out, although DH is an amazing husband and would be a great dad, you don't know how it'll affect you until you've become parents.

Logically, the risk of it negativity affecting us as well as the risk of medical issues with a baby just seem far too big to embark upon.

Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 15/07/2023 16:24

I think you’re probably making the right choice OP by saying no. What do you think has suddenly made your husband want a baby?

kids are great, but they’re also expensive, time consuming, stressful etc etc. they’ll change the dynamic of your relationship and there’s no way of knowing before whether or not it will all work out ok. You have to really want them to take that risk.

and then there’s you ages. Whilst 40 isn’t really too old, it’s old enough that things will likely be harder and more stressful than they would have been 10 years ago. Conceiving may be harder, there’s more risk of the child having a disability, it’ll be harder on your body. So again, you’d have to really want it. 50 in my opinion is too old and if it takes a while to conceive then he could be even older. Imagine a raucous 18 year old coming in from nights out when you’re 70! no thanks!!

Daffodilwoman · 15/07/2023 16:25

To the person who ctitisised my post, 50 is old to start trying to conceive.
let’s say the op get pregnant in 2 years. Her dh will be 52/53 when he bi ones a father.
By the time that child is 40 he will be 92/93 IF he isn’t dead. He will not be able to help the 40 year old in any way if the. Decide to start trying to have a baby. If he isn’t dead he wi just likely be in a care home if suffering from dementia. Don’t try and pretend that he will be running around the park with his grandchildren or able to look after them for 8 + hours a day.
The choice us not have a child at 20 or 50+ either is it. What a stupid comment.

Daffodilwoman · 15/07/2023 16:26

Typos as I’m on my phone and don’t have my glasses.

Lottapianos · 15/07/2023 16:27

'Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you.'

That's a really nasty and unhelpful comment. She's being very thoughtful and practical. Only she knows how much risk is worth it to her, especially because life is good at the moment

SaleOfTwoTitties · 15/07/2023 16:28

Why don't you crayon up your walls, pour milk into the dh's laptop and have 6 hours sleep every 48 hours. Then see how you feel about it.
Only kidding op, as you sound wise and have a good relationship. You'll be fine, whatever you decide.

KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 16:30

Why are people saying “I had my youngest/fourth etc at age” as though this is in any way relevant to the OP’s situation.

Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 16:30

marmaladeslade · 15/07/2023 16:22

Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.

How rude - you seemed to have taken the post as a personal slight.
50% chance of health issues is extremely high, that's the opposite of encouraging.
Also you do know that the stats are different for first babies Vs later births...

You've contributed nothing of value here

Isithappyhouryet · 15/07/2023 16:31

marmaladeslade · 15/07/2023 16:22

Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.

It’s disgusting how many of you are dismissing OP’s valid thoughts & feelings. It’s great that all you 40’s, 50’s, 60’s healthy women are popping out kids who are also healthy but it’s not like that for everyone! She’s being realistic.

Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 16:32

KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 16:30

Why are people saying “I had my youngest/fourth etc at age” as though this is in any way relevant to the OP’s situation.

LOL exactly.
People who have already been through the mess and disruption of children have some barometer.

The OP currently has a lovely life, and considering changing that is much more difficult. Especially as she doesn't feel broody!

JFDIYOLO · 15/07/2023 16:38

50 is a strange age. Half a century. Time no longer on his side. He'll be feeling regret, what if, is it too late, am I still fit and virile. But the thing is men can go on making children into very old age. Women can't. At 40 you are staring peri menopause in the teeth. Realistically if you're going for it, it's now or never. It will only get harder. And your experiences with surgery and feelings about IVF are important.

My lovely late dad was 42 and 45 when we were born (mum was 24 & 27). Being a generation older than friends' dads - he felt it; and so did did we. Teen wrangles in his late 50s were tough on him. Nappies, teething and sleepless nights at 50+ would be a very hard reality check.

It seems everything you've said suggests you're in a wonderful place to foster, maybe adopt, maybe older children.

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 16:48

marmaladeslade · 15/07/2023 16:22

Goodness. YOu are Miss Negativity aren't you. You are 40 . The chance of you having a perfectly health baby , naturally conceived is about 50% each cycle.
If you don't want to have a baby then don't have one. I had my 4th at 41. Best decision I ever made.

I hope I haven't offended you (or anyone else who had children aged 40+), that's wonderful you are happy and that having children has worked out the best decision for you, with 4 children you must have a great family life!

The important thing with my personal situation is that my DH is 50. That adds further risk, on top of my age risks. But I don't judge anyone else in the slightest for their decisions and I respect your opinion that you think I'm being negative, you could well be completely correct!

I suppose we all live within our own limits of risk?

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 15/07/2023 17:02

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 16:48

I hope I haven't offended you (or anyone else who had children aged 40+), that's wonderful you are happy and that having children has worked out the best decision for you, with 4 children you must have a great family life!

The important thing with my personal situation is that my DH is 50. That adds further risk, on top of my age risks. But I don't judge anyone else in the slightest for their decisions and I respect your opinion that you think I'm being negative, you could well be completely correct!

I suppose we all live within our own limits of risk?

Don’t worry about it OP. People get super defensive about their choices. Especially those who choose to have kids over 40 it seems.

I had kids really young. It worked out wonderfully for me, but I’m not so naive as to think it would be the best idea for everyone. But it seems everyone who chose to have kids late think it’s the best idea ever for everyone. they can’t seem to acknowledge that having a baby at 50+ perhaps is less than ideal.

you seem very sensible and balanced and I’m sure whatever happens you’ll make the right choice for you and that’s all that matters.

AIBot · 15/07/2023 17:06

It’s a very personal decision. I wouldn’t want to have my first at 40ish, but each to their own. We all have different life plans and motivations.

FireflyJar · 15/07/2023 17:12

You could try. You are in control of your contraception though 😉

ThinWomansBrain · 15/07/2023 17:14

Mid life crisis - tell him to but a sports car or motorbike instead.

I do have friends who has a very unexpected baby at fifty (both of them). The child is now 12, all are happy and healthy - but they'd previously tried very hard to conceive when they were a lot younger, and told she would not be able to carry a baby full term, so not a choice, although both were/are delighted.

Oceanus · 15/07/2023 17:21

OP, you've made up your mind. You know you have, it's clearly written between the lines. You feel the way you feel and your feelings are valid. They're nobody's business but your own. This is no longer about having a baby but more about telling your DP what you've decided.
You feel a child isn't for you, so don't let anyone change your mind. A kid is too big a deal to follow somebody else's dreams and aspirations. You clearly don't want it so make peace with your decision and let him know. You're not less of a woman for saying you're happy with your life, just own your feelings. Let your partner know and take it from there.

felissamy · 15/07/2023 17:22

“New baby at 40 unbelievanly hard....” what a load of rubbish. Was easy for me and I had all the career striving behind me. Some people talk nonsense. And for DP at 50 no 1, then 2, was great. He retired and did primary chidlcare. Best decision ever! I think there is no generalisation possible, but offensive and misleading opinions should be kept inside your traps. Only OP can know if she wants to try.

mydogisthebest · 15/07/2023 17:28

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 16:01

If that's how you feel then maybe don't do it. For me I couldn't imagine not having kids, would it not be a bit boring to live like a 20 something forever? But maybe I lack imagination. Also looking forward to 15 years time when mine will be all grown up and having that relationship.

Why would choosing to be childfree mean living like a 20 something forever? Me and DH are in our 60's and live like 60 year olds although we don't have the worry and stress of children, grandchildren etc. We don't find our lives boring at all

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 17:28

felissamy · 15/07/2023 17:22

“New baby at 40 unbelievanly hard....” what a load of rubbish. Was easy for me and I had all the career striving behind me. Some people talk nonsense. And for DP at 50 no 1, then 2, was great. He retired and did primary chidlcare. Best decision ever! I think there is no generalisation possible, but offensive and misleading opinions should be kept inside your traps. Only OP can know if she wants to try.

Oh look, someone’s proved your point @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname.

It looks as if you’ve made up your mind @GeorgiaHunt. I think you’re right. FOMO isn’t a great reason to embark on a life sentence bring a new life into the world.

CleverLilViper · 15/07/2023 17:29

It's not a matter of if you can get pregnant and carry a healthy pregnancy and baby after 40.

Of course you can. As you've seen, everyone and their mum will tell you all about their success with having a family after 40 or the fact that they know someone who had their first at 49.

It's a matter of whether or not you actually want to have children. It sounds like you don't. It also sounds like your H has hit 50 and had a bit of an existential crisis which may have caused him to question his life, choices and what options he now has. If this is the first real indication that you've had of him wanting children in 15 years-it's hugely unfair to put it on you so late in the game.

It's very easy for men to change their minds on having kids or to suddenly start wanting them. They have a larger fertility window, for one. For two, it isn't their bodies and health that is being sacrificed to pregnancy. For three, typically, their lives can remain relatively unscathed by having a child as the mother takes on the majority of the burden of caring for the children.

That's why it's so imperative for you, as the woman, to be sure that having children is actually what you want. If it's not a 100% yes, it's 100% no.

As far as the "What if you're lonely when you get older and regret not having kids," types of comments-is fear of regret or loneliness ever a good reason to create a life? Isn't it a bit selfish to have a child just to keep you company in your dotage or to provide care for you?

The Jordan Peterson clip (and I don't actually mind him all that much) is off. He speaks from the perspective of a man who wanted a family and wanted children to be part of that family. Therefore, a life without kids for him, would have been quite meaningless and felt empty after 45. That's not really the case for those of us who choose to not have children and don't have any desire to have them. We find our meaning in other places and I have seen countless posts and heard countless parents talk about how lonely they feel so having kids isn't automatically a remedy for loneliness, either.

There is also the longer term ramifications of having children older. Yes, you may be able to successfully carry a healthy child to term. You may also have a good number of years with that child before age truly becomes a factor (depending on how fit/active and healthy you are) but at some point, a lot sooner than many, that child may have to face providing care for their parent/s whilst their friends are off out, partying. Or facing losing their parent/s at a much younger age than they should have to face it.

And yes, of course, even young parents can get seriously ill and need care or pass away, however, there's a greater likelihood of it hitting the child young when the parents are older to start with.

Many will try and convince you that having children over 40 (and 50 in your H's case) is no big deal, but look at the bigger picture and try and scope out the future a bit to see what that could look like. Many people report dealing with increased health concerns after 60. So, if you had a child when your H was 52, that would make the kid not even a teenager and their dad already has issues.

Hopefully you're able to have this conversation with him and be honest about how you feel. It doesn't sound like he's the kind of man to hold the agreement over your head-but if he does, I'd give him a sharp reminder that he's had 15 years to make his apparent desire for children known and he hasn't done so-the agreement is done.

Lottapianos · 15/07/2023 17:39

'For me I couldn't imagine not having kids, would it not be a bit boring to live like a 20 something forever?'

🤦🏻‍♂️
Do people have so little imagination that they can't understand that your life changes, and you change, whether you have kids or not?