DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

You seem very happy and fulfilled in your current life which is wonderful. And definitely not something to change lightly.
I became pregnant at 44 (my partner was 37) and was a bit of a shock. I was hugely worried about the genetic risks, getting attached to the pregnancy then losing it and the loss of our freedom (we like to travel etc and visit friends).
I talked to various counselling services and midwifes who were very reassuring. Saying how many people over 40 have little or no problems and as I had no underlying health factors probably is all would ve okay. I guess what I'm trying to say it is more likely than not going be okay, although of course risks are higher then 20 or 30 something. But there are also positives of stable relationship and financial security. I took a nipt blood test at 10 weeks , that looked at fetal dna for the most likely serious genetic conditions, so I could potentially make an early decision not to go further.

We now have a beautiful healthy 2yo and we feel very very lucky. It is very tiring at times, different and some freedom has gone, but we are travelling again and seeing things in a new way. I would not risk doing it again as now I'm that much older. I did also love my life before and feel if things hadn't worked out, I'd be very happy continuing my child free life.

I wish you the best with whatever path you choose to take.

@cucucucu

30% of births are to women over 40?

Absolute rubbish.

You can't just make things up to suit your argument you know

I doubt this experience of the men doing fuck-all will be just women with men in their 50s. Most men of all ages CBA to do much when it comes to the babies/children/housework. Some women will deny it, but it's true. Most men are bone idle when it comes to housework/home admin/childcare.

Exactly! Imagine doing all the toddler/child/secondary school/teenager stuff, and then having to do all the years at uni too. It's hard work and stressful putting kids through uni, and costs money. Imagine having to do this in your 70s?! Fuck that.

Yes, could be any age. My friend who became a dad at 50 was very hands on. He and his wife both worked part time without using paid childcare.

For OP she needs to absolutely want a child and she may well be doing the lions share. I wonder if it’s come up now because you’ve both had big birthdays and it would be now or never.

I think 40 is fine if you actively want a child. Not so much if you aren’t totally up for it.
If the op was going to compromise and have one for dh, then that should have been when they were younger and the whole thing likely to be easier. I definitely think the agreement has expired. She’s too old to change her life totally for the sake of dh.

Yeah this. ^ As many posters have said though, it looks like the OP doesn't want a baby at all.

Actually, many of the experiences centred around the men’s health issues, tiredness, fitness and capability of being an active parent past age 55.

It wasn’t just them being “bone idle”.

If it’s not something you want then don’t feel pressured too. I would have some very serious conversations about it before deciding what’s best for you both.

If you do really want to try then It would be worth getting a fertility check before, as you might find fertility issues or none at all that might impact your decision. It could be difficult naturally, then IVF might be an option to give a better chance at selecting the best embryo. Still the risk of miscarriage with your own eggs, its as much as 50% chance. But woman still have babies in there 40s. Some use egg donors, so that can really help your chances of a healthy baby.

Men don’t always have sperm issues even at 50, .My uncle had 2 kids in his early 50s with his wife who was in her late thirties. She miscarried with their first. But then went on to naturally have two healthy girls now 8 and 6. He can easily keep up with them and isn’t super fit either.

Neither would I he’s a wanker.

@mrsneate But most parents can't / don't want to go on holiday leaving their 12 year old home.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I don't think you should feel under any pressure to have kids if you don't want them. It sounds like you're happy with your life as it is right now.

The real question is, will it be a dealbreaker for him if you say no? And if so, how would you feel about that?

I think this very much depends on you - Historically women have given birth from their teens to well in to their forties. Its only due to contraception why this doesn't happen as much.

It certainly is not rare for parents, particularly women, to regret having children. Do you not read any of the threads on here where there are so many posts expressing regret.

So many of my friends say although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would not have any. These are woman with grandchildren and even great grandchildren but the worry, stress and hassle just never seems to end.

Also so many of my friends with children are divorced (some more than once) and say their marriages started to go wrong when they had a baby.

My childfree friends and family are all happily married with the longest marriage being 50 years and the shortest 28 (all first marriages).

I think this is awful advice. Leaving herself open to getting pregnant when she is pretty sure she doesn’t want a baby would be reprehensible.

That’s not what I took from her post , I read she is scared of not getting pregnant and of the disappointment . If that is the case she will regret it a lot more if she never tried

I was 39 when I quite suddenly changed my
mind about children after 20 years of saying I didn’t want them. The difference is DH was only 42. It’s been nothing but amazing for us having DS. We’re knackered but that’s mainly because we both have to work! There’s loads of older parents in my circle, including men over 50 with babies.

I don’t know anyone who has regretted having a child personally, although I am sure there are parents who have but I think it’s rare.

Do you think they’d tell you if they did? It’s still a massively taboo thing to talk about IRL.

I know many families who have had children in your age group. It seems to have become more common for women to have children in their late 30s and early 40s.

You have a happy life and a happy marriage. You say you are still very much in love. Don't throw that all away

Can't find uk stats but mean age in UK is 31. For 1st baby. 50% of women are childless at 30 and 18% remain so at 45 suggesting we have kids older. Those who do have kids by 30 have 0.98 but by 45 is 1.92 so not finished.
In USA 4.6% of births are to mothers over 40 so nowhere near 30%.

Oh and 17% only have 1 child by 45, 16-44 are classed as fertile.

Apologies if I gave that impression - I wouldn't say I'm scared of not getting pregnant if we decided to try - more that I really don't fancy getting on an emotional rollercoaster of trying, which from what I gather with friends, can be an intense tracking of cycles, awful miscarriages, lots of tests etc.

I'm very content with my life as it is and although I have the odd pang of 'what if' I don't regret being childfree.

I definitely would have been an awful parent if I'd had a baby in my 20s or 30s! It's only the past few years I've found myself (cheesy, sorry) and have far more patience and confidence now. If I had felt like this 10 years ago I may well have wanted to try. I think I just accepted my lot in life (which is an amazing lot) and drew a line under it. I may not have actively decided not to have children, but time has made that decision.

Even if I could guarantee a an easy, carefree pregnancy quickly and have a happy, healthy and laid back baby, I still know of course it would be hugely life changing along with a truck load of worry about them. Life without that permanent stress and sacrifice is definitely looking more appealing!

And as PP have pointed out, although DH is an amazing husband and would be a great dad, you don't know how it'll affect you until you've become parents.

Logically, the risk of it negativity affecting us as well as the risk of medical issues with a baby just seem far too big to embark upon.

I know it doesn’t normally count in the decision to have a baby but please consider what your local NHS is like. I wouldn’t have another baby in my local trust. It is rated inadequate, the maternity unit closes because of poor staff recruitment and the waiting list are ridiculous. I have a little one with additional needs, he currently five years old and has spent 12 years on waiting lists. He has suffered unnecessarily.
I had him five years ago and things have only got worse, I’d be terrified to be an older mother now.

If that's how you feel then maybe don't do it. For me I couldn't imagine not having kids, would it not be a bit boring to live like a 20 something forever? But maybe I lack imagination. Also looking forward to 15 years time when mine will be all grown up and having that relationship.