DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I had ds when I was 41 and DH was 60. He’s the best thing we ever did.

Didn't argue that at all, my point was if someone hasn't yet have children at 40 and 50 it doesn't automatically mean they shouldn't even consider it as a potentially viable option.

Some people find childcare tedious for the first 4 years. I love it. My baby is 6 months old and a total joy to watch trying out food, trying to move etc. I absolutely love this stage.

There was an interesting thread yesterday where many women shared the honest reality about having babies/young children with men in their 50s.
If you go ahead, be ready to do most the child rearing yourself:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4849101-i-feel-like-i-was-tricked-into-marriage-and-now-im-trapped?page=1

This thread resonates so much with me!

I live in a similar relationship - children weren't a priority, but the agreement was to set up our life in a way which would allow it if the parental instincts appeared. And we agreed to go for it (together, shared parenting) if either of us would find having children important.

We are a bit younger (37&43) and if we continue as we do, we will get to a very similar position.
I traveled a lot last year and when I was away I somehow realised I don't want the agreement to "just expire". I would prefer if the question of having or not having children would be resolved by an actual conscious decision, not a timeout.
So we are trying to reach some decision now.

The "both have to be 100% for it" isn't very relevant here. The idea is that in case one triggers it, both would go for it willingly and together.

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I'm in a position a bit more similar to your partner than yours. We haven't come yet to our decision, but what we've learned up to now was:

1)State the no medical route. That's totally different discussion.
2)Acknowledge it is a big topic, some discussions might be hard. It's fine.
3)Have a good kind of discussion . Don't take roles "one is for, the other is against". Explore the yes option together (how it would work, risks, hardships, joys). Explore the no option together (other things you might want to do, fomo). Take it from there.
The last one was very important for me - clashing arguments for and arguments against felt like dismissing each other. Exploring together is something totally different

You'd laugh at this if you met him; he's the least narcissistic man in the world!

I knew he was a keeper when, after one of my surgeries and not being able to shower, he gently helped wash my hair and bathed my stinky feet every day until I could manage (and he hates feet 😂 ) we'd only been seeing each other a few months and he really looked after me; he's so thoughtful, every day.

I'd say he's just perhaps navigating what must be difficult feelings for him, coming to terms that we didn't have children, reaching 50 and contemplating things. Which is natural.

I may find by the time I talk to him later, he's changed his mind!

Just be aware, that parenting doesn't stop when they reach 18. They need help moving to Uni (physical help moving several times over their degree), emotional support and financial help until they are way in to their 20's. Mine are now 26 and 24, and it's only recently that I have been able to stop supporting them financially.

Your DH is 50 now, would most likely be 52 by the time baby is born. That would make him 70 when they went to Uni. He'd be 73 by the time they finish Uni (bare minimum 3 year degree). My Mum died at 72 (for context).

Certainly don't do it "for him", because whatever he says now, you will end up doing a minimum 80% of the child rearing. Men just never do as much as women. My H didn't do one night feed ever, despite me begging.

We all said things at 25....it's been 15 years on.... which is quite some time.

I had children, then in my early 50s got involved with someone 16 years younger who’d always wanted a baby. After some considerable thought I agreed, & since she was 38 we opted for IVF with genetic screening which reduces the risk of miscarriage massively, leaving a live birth rate of 75%.

Since the arrival of our child I can’t say I’ve been any more tired with a baby/toddler than I was at 34. I know on mumsnet it’s generally considered selfish to have a baby once you hit 35 or so but I’m heathy, energetic and a better parent for being a bit older & wiser. Obviously I am less likely to live to see this child have children, etc, but life is unpredictable & precarious and nobody knows what the future holds.

Take your time to think & talk things through. There’s no bigger decision you’ll ever make!

I don’t know how much of it really matters about age but more about how much you want it and if you’re worried about age then that’s enough to know that you have doubts if that makes sense. Having kids should be the woman’s idea and not something she goes along with because of the man. He could be the best partner in the world but ultimately the ‘burden’ will be yours, physically and mentally due to pregnancy childbirth and beyond. I love being a mother but the decision each time was mine, if my Dh suggested it and I had doubts it just would not happen. I wonder if he’s going to do his fair share of night wakes and nappy changes, housework etc unless you will get a nanny (nothing wrong with that) as long as you are not surprised with how he is behaving once the baby is here. Yes maternal instincts kick in etc but you might end up being really resentful which could end the relationship. So basically you have to be willing to be the one left holding the baby.

Well had both mine in my forties. I have a good friend whose first daughter was born when he was mid forties second daughter was born when he was over fifty. He is a great Dad, eldest is mid teens now. So I say go for it if you want to. I have quite a few friends who also had babies around forty or early forties.

My husband was 50 when our first child was born, and 60 when we had our last. I was 28 and 38.

At 71, he is still very active and fit. He is quite unusual, though, and was unusually fit before he got older. There are definite problems related to his age, but also some advantages. But they really don't matter in your situation. What does matter is that you don't want to have a baby. If you did, you would know instantly that it was right for you. A baby deserves (if possible) to be born into a family where both parents actively want them. You deserve to not have a baby because you feel under pressure to do so.

I think most women know when they personally too old to consider children. I had my last at 38 and didn't actively want more, but decided that if I felt the urge before 40 then I would consider it. Fortunately (It would have killed me emotionally, financially and very possible literally!) I never felt the need and no more babies were born.

Hopefully, this can be worked through with honest discussion. He isn't wrong for wanting a child, but there needs to be full agreement for it to happen and you don't have that.

I think you've thought carefully about this and come to a decision that's right for you.
If your husband is determined that he wants a baby, can you trust him to not try to emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind, or 'accidentally' have contraception fail? I write this having been on the receiving end of both from a former partner who was determined to get a baby! Make sure your long term contraception is watertight just in case of shenanigans.

OP the key thing to consider is, whatever the other magical older woman baby stories are. THEY wanted a child. Willing to do anything for them.

In this case it's your DH who wants a child. You seem pretty ambivalent.

No matter how good of a man he seems now, people can change after children. Kid could also be disabled. Any number of things could happen.

If you're happy with your comfortable life and don't feel the urge, it's a bad idea to have children. If your H is really the good man that you say he is... He should accept it.

I always find this is supposedly a 50/50 but the woman is the one who has to put her body and health on the line.
It needs to be 100% both people in.

I do think fostering or long term foster care could be good for both of you - if you wanted to.

Personally I’d go with a long discussion. You both have to want it. Really want it and discuss all the options.

I do see male friends of mine - I have 5 different friends, unmarried single lifestyle very, very secure have suddenly got to age 50/55 and suddenly they have gone from not wanting a family, at all (one has a long term girlfriend been with her 20 years and she is also 50) but all suddenly aware of their own mortality and not wanting to be alone and want a family and soon. Three of these then married in 6 months to really nice women about 30 who are very educated eg doctors, lawyers etc and were clear from the get go they wanted children. They then went on to have children within 12 months and are doing the bulk of the children but being very financially secure they are also very cleaner, nanny etc to make things lighter and their parents are all amazed (in their 80s) etc but I have to say all my friends have seemingly got a new lease of life. Yes no more paragliding for one - etc but they have embraced parenthood.

I had a baby at 41 - being honest I wouldn’t have done it if I had thought I might end up single but my ex husband was 31 and I felt he could of taken the main load or at least 50/50 but he really didn’t.

My advice would be consider it all - no matter if you are 20 or 50, could you manage as a single parent, could you manage if your partner died, or left? what do you want? Some people want a baby at any cost? Some want the right person. Some want the right time.

I will add that Dh does more than his ‘fair share’ despite having a very ‘important job’ and I’m a sahm. He never expects his dinner etc and I’m not taking the mick, babies are a handful esp if breastfeeding etc but I can’t imagine him not pulling his weight and me knowing it was all his idea.

Exactly this, and the conversation hasn't come up; I thought the time had long gone!

We were both very 50/50 and undecided when we met, so we decided the best thing was to just live our lives and then when one of us felt a baby was what we wanted, we'd definitely try.

So I was never a flat-out no, we've just been busy with life, and suddenly we're these ages!

But I do think its healthy and sensible to draw a line under it; with the risk of medical issues being higher and chance of having a baby very low, it could be a very stressful experience and uprooting our lives only to regret it.

I am almost 40 and my husband is 55, my kids are 17 and 13.....absolutely no chance would I consider a baby at this point in life.
My husbands health and energy levels have declined considerably in the last 5 years, I have also started with a couple of health issues of my own. It would be very difficult with a baby in the mix.
It is also worth bearing in mind that teenagers are hard work. If you had a baby in the next couple of years you would be nearly 60 when their social life ramps up and you are suddenly needed for lifts at all hours of the day and night!!
The lifestyle you have now sounds idyllic to me, I would fight tooth and nail to keep it exactly the way it is.

Fostering has been suggested here by a couple of posters. Just to highlight -
fostering isn’t like borrowing your friends children for a lovely weekend.

you are taking in what are often traumatised, abused, high needs children. It takes a huge amount of skill, patience, love, understanding to care for these children. A friend at school’s mum decided to do this - rich housewife wanted to give back. They stopped after one weekend - very troubled teen boy was laced with them on a Friday night/. Poor kid had been in an awful situation and was angry and scared. They couldn’t cope at all.

foster caters are amazing people and I would never discourage anyone from considering it - but it’s not a solution for someone who wants kids but can’t have them. You need to really want to help these children - need to be prepared to see your home turned upside down, drop plans at a moments notice, have the emotional capacity to listen to awful tales of neglect and abuse and try to bring some stability and love into a child’s life.

it is immensely rewarding - but not
for everyone.

Boris Johnson has just had a child (not himself obviously) and he’s 59. He’s got 3 small children. I did comment on Twitter that Carrie was trying to kill him, lol. I would not want small children and I am the same age as him. However I do frequently have my grandchildren to stay over and I love that. There are younger people having kids who will die before you due to illness or accidents. There are younger people than you having kids with SEN. Lots of women have babies in their forties. My Nan did, and interestingly and sadly my mother died only eight months after her, so although I had an uncle only five years older than me we both lost our mothers in the same year. I don’t know anyone who has regretted having a child personally, although I am sure there are parents who have but I think it’s rare. I think you should think about it, at least. The joy of giving birth is incomparable to anything else. I remember looking at my firstborn and examining his ears, fingers, toes etc and thinking ‘I made this’ and feeling so overwhelmed with love. All the pitfalls along the way were worth it. My youngest has autism and I adore him, I have never had to cope with empty nest syndrome. Just ask yourself if you don’t have a child, will you feel the same as your husband in ten years time?

no bloody way! I say that as a mother of 3, kids are not all they are cracked up to be, I am envious of your life, do not wreck it😀

I don’t know anyone who has regretted having a child personally, although I am sure there are parents who have but I think it’s rare.

I have had many moments when I have regretted it. And many on MN do. We just don't talk about it IRL.

I don’t know anyone who has regretted having a child personally, although I am sure there are parents who have but I think it’s rare.

yup, not rare at all

We had ours at that age and it has been brilliant but we both knew we wanted them.

I doubt Boris Johnson’s lifestyle is much impacted by having all the millions of children he has. Not the best comparison to make.
it’s the women who have to gestate and do the bulk of the grunt work . The OP should be very sure about what she wants. She will be far more impacted by having a child than her DH will.