DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Your ages are not crazy old at all. You are both fit and healthy and financially secure, it is a perfect time to try - you definitely have a few years. If you are financially secure and can afford childcare and domestic help etc I really see no issue at all. Don't let stereotypes cloud your minds and give it a thorough thought!

Was a condescending person !! 30% of births are to women above 40 . Not everyone has children in their 20 s . The op and her husband clearly are stable financially and have lots of free time . So who are you judge if he would o be a good dad or not

Again, thank you for the replies. I didn't know if my knee-jerk reaction to say no was unfair, considering what we agree when we met. But I do feel that agreement has long expired...'

I don't think you're being unfair at all, you're being very clear-headed and calm about it all. It's more than likely a last-minute wobble on his part so do talk it through. You seem to have ignored the utterly daft suggestions about fostering and adoption so good for you

I would react by saying ‘Im sorry, it is way too late for my biology: and have you been paying any attention whatsoever to the talk of degenerating maternity services and increasing maternal deaths in, at least some parts of, this country?”
I would then go on to explore where this sudden desire has come from. A child is for life and is not even like keeping a dog. It needs educating and setting up for life.

I’m sorry op, it sounds like you have a narcissistic man child with no interest in realities. You’re not the only one, sadly. If he really is that desperate, look into fostering perhaps - at least you can give that up when his sudden interest wanes.

Do remember it is you that will be taking the health risks, and you that will be paying the motherhood penalty. Male lives go on ahead regardless, and their status is enhanced by having children: women are heavily impacted and their value drops.

Lord help us!! What "value" is this that is dropping?

I’d say the majority of my friends had babies after 35, most second babies arrived around 40, al perfectly fine. in fact I know one person who was under 35 loads of people have babies at 40, I certainly wouldn’t consider it old.

you could just see what happens

I am of the women's lib generation and we did not fight to have motherhood and femininity undervalued. That was not what it was all about at all.

But she clearly doesn't want to have children...

Why would he suddenly be a narcissistic man child. People evolve at a different pace, he may have found this urge to have biological children at 50 and not at 25, this alone doesn't necessarily make him narcissistic 🤷‍♀️. While risks do increase with time, 50 is not 70, plenty of people have totally healthy biological kids at their ages. I don't understand why they should resort straight to fostering rather than at least trying for own biological child for a couple of years.

Honestly this is an example of MN OTT. Whilst I agree it's odd that OPs DH has had a change of heart. I think its unfair to start ASSUMING things like this and that he might run off with another woman. Talk about jumping the gun.... give OP chance to discuss with her own husband and update first!

She said they would give it a thought when one of them wants, and she was perhaps shocked as thought this ship has sailed, I didn't feel like she said she definitely didn't want a child

If he wants to do his bit for the next generation he could help through a children's charity or mentor a young adult leaving care for example.

Social value and status. The ability and right to have your own life and work vanishes for most women when they have kids. Getting older does not help - ageism is more rife than ever, and appearances are far more valued now than they ever were in this media obsessed age. Come back when you are willing to look at the practical reality for millions of working women rather than quote stupidities about how womens rights have improved, when for most of us it is going backwards. We never had equality and now we’re going back to being valued for looks and fuckability.

Where did I say he might run off with another woman? Honestly the reading comprehension of trolls is dropping, you just don’t get the same quality of internet shite even nowadays.

I'm sorry to say this, OP, but he must know that women have a biological clock that can't be turned back and that to say he wants children now isn't going to mean that he can have them. With you.

If everything else in your marriage is fine and dandy then I would think about what I wanted and take it from there. Perhaps he is just very hopeful (or dense)?

@AlwaysFrazzled88 Of course young parents can die too, but statistically you are more likely to die with each advancing decade. I’m sorry if that’s annoying but it’s something that people choosing to become older parents need to consider.

@RosaGallica "fuckability" 🤣🤣 legend!

I think the whole thread is classic MN. Defensive older parents all desperate to declaim how absolutely wonderful it is to have babies after 40, it happens every time. Look how quickly fertility decreases after 35.

https://www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

I am 43. I have a 6 month old. I have an older child at school and I am not one of the oldest mothers. My partner is older than yours. This is our second baby. Yes, it is tiring, but I am sure it is at any age. It is also the biggest source of joy in my life.

I would not get caught up in the numbers. Do you want a baby? It sounds like no, but I think you need to ask if that is because you just think it was for you and have not given it much consideration recently, or if it just is not for you.

I think he really needs to question his motivation too. It might be worth a few sessions with a therapist who can help you be sure you are understanding what is driving your thinking.

I know you didn't say that part. Calm down. I just thought this post screamed OTT. Your other post made me laugh and I do agree. This particular one is unfair though.

Sounds like your H has a midlife crisis … Other guys get the clothes, the gym and the motorbike, he can have any of these easily with the life you have.

He just wants a change, any change and he’s thinking kids could do it.

Decreases but not disappears. It is just strange to write yourself off as old at 40 these days. Without even trying.

It falls off a cliff! Acknowledging decreasing fertility isn’t writing yourself off as old, far from it. The other side of the menopause is a very empowering place to be. It’s very sad if women are defining themselves by their fertility level.

I'm pretty sure older parents consider their mortality , OP's baby will be in her 40's when OP 'statistically' dies, 30's when her dad dies.

BUT

A couple that don't even need to work, financially secure, sounds ideal to me, even if OP is 40. The only caution is , if OP has never had children, starting at 40 is hard, especially if you rule out IVF.

I've watched countless of my friends have a few kids in their 20's and 30's and juggle careers, moving up the property ladder, moving up their careers, their kids dragged up to be honest with random childminders , after school and breakfast club nursery, pre-school and primary because they have work so hard. They are literally 'weekend parents', which is utterly shit for their children.

OP sounds like an ideal position to actually raise a child with no pressure of career and all the other bullshit, and have a dad in the same boat, who doesn;t have to take 2 week paternity leave and back to the office, who will be there at least for the entire childhood and not stuck on a work conference somewhere!

The amount of events at primary school I've gone to and seen missing parents , often I've had to play surrogate mum to my kids friends at events where both parents are missing because they have to work like dogs to cover rising mortgage payments and food bills.

Whose to say which is better. As I see it, biggest issue is fertility at 40 ( and him at 50).