DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Or for parents with financial means who can pay for support live in nannies etc,

It takes a village (at any age) to raise a child and you can get that village in many ways

It all rides on you OP. Do you want a baby? I agree your DH is a bit old and you do sound life you both have a lovely life!

I'd be a bit annoyed that he didn't have this change of heart a good 5 years sooner. It is a bit odd.... but I always knew I wanted to be a mum and now I'm content with 1 DC.

Erm..I'm pleased for them. I found it hard work looking after a baby and toddler. Many people do. Glad you found it a piece of cake though!

In your shoes I would look at fostering.

your life sounds wonderful, the sort of life I can only dream of having. Having a child is a massive change, I don't even have the language to convey how much it changes everything and not all those changes are enjoyable. I used to liken my experience of motherhood to having had a nuclear war break out in my life such was the upheaval, the exhaustion and the impact on every facet of my existence from the physical to the financial. I was in my twenties so had time and energy to bounce back but I would say I didn't start to feel like my old self for around two years. Of course everyone is different but at this stage what positive changes do you think a baby then the long years of child rearing would add to what sounds like a lovely, full and interesting life. As others have said could you look into fostering, I know a couple who are unable to have children and who foster and they are wonderful at it and it makes such a difference to existing children.

Glad it's not just me. Just had someone amazed I found it hard looking after a baby and toddler! 😕

This is such good advice

I can appreciate life doesn't always go to plan and it was the case for you. This isn't OPs case though at all. How can you not realise that 51 and 57 is old to be starting your parenting journey? For me it's not even an argument it doesn't mean you are rubbish parents no, it is old and I just see it as something that isn't even arguing about.

If you would be the primary caregiver for your child you'd need to be prepared to give up everything you do for a season. It can be very rewarding being a parent but also incredibly tough. As my DH says.... Children absolutely ruin your life but you wouldn't want it any other way.

I'd be worried it just took him this long to realise he wanted to have children (not uncommon at all for men) and he'll leave to be with a younger woman to start a family with. With his financial security there'd be plenty of women in their mid 30s to want this.

You need to have some honest discussions with him about what you both want.

50 for men is ok, certainly better than 20 to 30. 40 is ok for either.

This was my thought. He's writing himself a get out of jail free card to go and reproduce with someone younger. 50 is prime age for trading in and having a second round of kids with a new partner, or in his case, the first.

I don’t think it’s too old IF you both want it but it doesn’t sound like you do

i know plenty of people who’ve had their final child in the 40s, not the first admittedly. FIL had DH when he was 50, they had a great relationship until he died aged 85, dh has never wishes he was younger, he definitely did wish he was healthier though, which doesn’t sound like an issue here

I wasn't expecting so many replies, thank you to everyone taking the time to post - I've taken it all in and finding myself nodding away in agreement to all your points, on both sides.

I'm delighted being an older parent has given so many lots of joy, and I have huge sympathy for those parents who have more to struggle with in terms of additional needs/widowed/abandoned.

To answer a few questions - I'm as sure as I can be that DH wouldn't want to leave the marriage, we've always been so close, it's a lovely relationship full of laughter and mutual support. He's such a kind, loving husband (don't know what I've done to deserve him!).

I do think it's FOMO/his age and not a genuine, well thought-out decision on his part; once we talk later, he'll hopefully see that the lifestyle change is so enormous that it's just not worth the risk of turning our lives upside down.

I have considered fostering, for a number of years it's been in the very back of my mind. We have a few spare bedrooms, perhaps restbite fostering might be a consideration. I will chat to DH and report back!

Again, thank you for the replies. I didn't know if my knee-jerk reaction to say no was unfair, considering what we agree when we met. But I do feel that agreement has long expired...

A friend of mine was talked into having a baby in similar circumstances. The husband left before the child reached one and has had a lovely single life style since. My friend has her daughter 100% of the time, and the child was diagnosed autistic early on. The child is 16 now and doing well, but the additional needs have been hard to fight for and not what my friend anticipated when convinced having a baby together would complete their family.

I think consider fostering or adopting an older child? I agree, Im 32 with one child and I wouldn’t have any more over 35, I can’t imagine dealing with the sleepless nights when they are young at the age of 50, it was hard enough at 25!

I think the trouble with having children - at any age tbh - is that it's such a gamble. You don't know how you'll cope with the sleepless nights or whether you'll have a child that doesn't sleep through for years or will start sleeping through quite early.

DH & I had a lovely life - lots of sporting activities, lots of travel, lots of evenings out. I'd never felt the urge to have children. At 39, DH said he thought we're regret it if we didn't try. I had DD at 40. We're very fortunate that she was a pretty easy child - I love being a mum; DD has brought us so much joy in so many ways - I haven't ever regretted having her. I do think one the reasons we've found it so enjoyable is that both DH & I work 5 days a week and DD went to nursery. I know nursery is an anathema to some people - but for us part-time work wasn't an option and DD being at nursery meant we weren't ground down by tantrums and constantly changing nappies. If you go from doing your own thing 5 days a week/volunteering to being a full-time mum, you might find it quite wearing. Good luck in making a decision which is right for you.

Personally I'd say 21 is too young.
My mum had me at 22 and Though we are close now I do think she resented giving up her youth so young.

If guaranteed a healthy baby I'd definitely pick becoming a mum at 40 over 21! At 21 I was in final year of university, spent my 20s travelling and climbing the career ladder. Met my husband at 31, married at 34, gave birth to our healthy DD at 35 and now due our 2nd DC at 37.

Having kids young is statistically financially harder which adds inordinate amounts of stress... probably links to why so many who do are knackared by 35. Just an opinion- not shaming anyone for their decisions.

I second the suggestion of getting some noisy toddlers over.

I don't think your DH will leave you; I think he has had a last minute wobble.

I had mine at 21. Best thing I ever did. Essentially all done and dusted with day to day parenting by the time I was 40, just as my career really took off. I did my travelling then with plenty of money to do it in style. I don’t regret a thing and I’d do it again. No way would I have contemplated a baby at 40.

I agree with @TrudyProud. Ideal age for me would probably be mid 30s, but if it were a direct choice between 40 and 21, then I'd definitely prefer to have a child at 40, when I'd had a chance to develop my career, travel, grow as a person.

Anyway, that's all theoretical because as far as I can see, it was a strange decision in the first place that you agreed to try for a child if one of you wanted to. Surely both partners need to want a child to even start trying?


@GeorgiaHunt
In your position I would explain this to him. Say that it was a mistake on both your parts to agree you'd try if just one of you wanted it. Tell him you feel you're too old, it's not what you want at this stage of life. I think it's very unfair on a child to bring it into the world unless both parents really want it.

It would be a no from me. Far too risky.
if your dh persists I would tell him straight that he would have to pack in work and that would be permanently. He would be the full time carer. By the time the child is at secondary school and able to come home to an empty house, your dh will be well into his 60s so the likelihood of finding a worthwhile job would be slim.
Let him know for sure that you are not prepared to give up your volunteering.
I also think 50 is too old to start trying for a child. It’s not fair on the child.

i always wanted children.
I had my first at 41 ( pregnant 9 days ttc) and second at 43( pregnant 2 weeks ttc), their dad is 5 years older than me. It’s exhausting ( presently 4 1/4 and 21 months ) but there is no way I would want to be without out them.
My old life of hobbies, work etc has gone but you need to be 100% about it as he won’t hear them cry in the night etc. You can’t just go out without it taking 40 mins to put shoes on etc.

If the health issues are the main worry then don’t be put off more than 30% of babies are born to mums over 40 years old . I have my baby just days before turning 40 , a good friend just had a baby at 44 ( no ivf ) .
Why don’t you come off birth control and see what happens without much pressure

40 is not that old for a baby - well not where I live. I had my 1st at 23 and my 4th at 41. Wish I'd had another. Don't see the problem. I mean there is an increased risk of some problems but they are pretty tiny with a 40 yo mum.