DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

[Blueskyfordays]

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

And yes, I got statutory, but I took 12 months and the last 3 months were unpaid so no payslips for those months.

I’m also going back part time so my wage will be changing.

You’re building this up way too much in your head.

Many people who apply for mortgages have some sort of debt. Yours is very low in the grand scheme of things - more so, when your DH has cleared it. Many SAHMs are co-mortgagees - this is normal.

You’re married - you really should both be on the mortgage.

The application is usually a back-and-forth conversational process. If the bank has any concerns about your ability - as a couple! - to make repayments, they’ll come back to you about that.

If the worst comes to the worst and for some reason they don’t think you’re a safe bet (I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that won’t happen - they’ve been happy with just one person making all the contributions so far), then you go back to the status quo with just your DH on the mortgage.

They only want to see bank statements as proof of earning. Due to you being on mat leave then your employer would write a letter to confirm the salary you will be receiving. Also as long as you’ve never defaulted or been late on payments you will have nothing to worry about. I am a single mum and have a part time job on a low income, I got my mortgage approved no problem and there’s times my bank would have maybe £50 in it, but it doesn’t matter as I could financially afford my bills and my other spending out with that doesn’t matter, I’ve never went overdrawn or missed a payment. I do think you are over thinking this and maybe it’s because you’ve never been on a mortgage before so it’s the unknown to you but honestly it’ll be fine.

Bank statements are just to show you’re managing your money.

Dear OP, you asked for specifics about becoming more financially literate so here are some:

1. you seem to have a tremendous amount of fear around money and that money should be this big secret and I.e. paying £80 a month in interest because you’re too scared to look into alternative options, being scared that somehow having multiple bank accounts will mess with your lending ability but also being too scared to check. When you talk about money it’s all very catastrophic - like you’re worried the fact you move some money between debit accounts that somehow the bank will think you’re money laundering when you make £25k a year? Or Your partner will leave you if you tell him about the debt? It also sounds like you have a fear that being put on the mortgage will somehow dig up some deep dark secret or revelation about your spending.

Your fear and ideas around money seem very disproportionally dramatic.

(for context i think my partner and I between us have like 8 different current accounts and like 20 different credit cards (most of them clear) that we have used for various spending over the years i.e buying the car on an interest free credit card instead of paying an extortionate financing fee. We move money between accounts all the time and we have an Amex credit card we rack a couple of grand up on every month (paying it off in full) for the avios points. And we were still able to borrow over half a mil to buy our house with no questions about any of this.)

Is this fear/catastrophising around money perhaps a learned behaviour from childhood? Was there a lot of tension, secrecy and fear when it came to money when you were growing up? I would really focus on resolving this so you feel comfortable taking about and looking into financial options.

2. It appears you have no real understanding of how credit scores work or how you will be assessed when you want to borrow money - you need to fully understand this and not just make wild assumptions about this. The bank doesn’t give a sh*t how you’ve been spending your money as long as you’ve got money coming in and you aren’t getting into debt every month etc. basically as long as your income is greater than your outgoing.

3. The financial rights you have if you are and aren’t on the mortgage. I think 99.9% of financial advisors would say that getting on the mortgage is the right thing to do as it gives you a lot more power because atm with you and your partner’s financial arrangements it sounds like you are powerless to his whims I.e. if he decides to kick you out one day, laying any sort of claim to the house will be difficult - the court will see any contribution you’ve made to the mortgage so far as the equivalent to a rent payment as the mortgage isn’t in your name.

this is not an attack at all, but it sounds to me like you’ve just been burying your head in the sand for too long because of a baseless fear around money and anything to do with it, which in turn is relinquishing your power in the relationship. Married or not, you need to protect yourself.

This is such an unfair summary. He had the house before they were married. He had a mortgage renewal and understandably she wasn't on it because they weren't married, no children, etc. Everyone on here would tell women not to put non-spouses onto their mortgage.

This is the first mortgage renewal he's done since they got married and he's insisted on putting her on, even though he has paid a lot more towards the house before they were even together. The op has resisted but he's looking after her welfare by insisting she goes on.

He has not financially controlled her. He doesn't look at her bank accounts at all. He doesn't check her spending in any way. She told him she had no debt and he trusted her. Obviously he's annoyed that his trust was misplaced and that she's wasted money in interest charges and fees. Who can blame him for that?

I can't see what this guy has done wrong at all and I can't help thinking you've had a bad experience and you're projecting that onto this situation.

Shes not alone. A few posters are determined to skew things as much as they can to make her a victim and him responsible

The OP herself said that he is financially controlling.
The OP was scared to be honest with her husband.

It's obvious the husband's behaviour around money has affected the OP.

People in debt often make excuses, Ops made plenty on this thread.

Is he controlling or controlled?

The OP hasn't actually given any examples of how he is controlling. All we know about this man is that he has enough control of his own spending to enabled him to save £80k and to buy a house (which he is now trying to share with the OP) and no debts.

The OP herselfsaid that he is financially controlling.
The OP was scared to be honest with her husband.
It's obvious the husband's behaviour around money has affected the OP.

I think this is an unfair interpretation. He can't be that controlling with money or he'd know what the op had in her bank account. And he had no idea. He's careful with money, and knowing that she'd racked up 10k in debt before they married, he is going to be extra careful around her and money. I would be exactly the same if my spouse had had run up that amount of debt which they were unable to get to grips with without an inheritence. He worries about being in debt. Me too. It's how I was brought up. The op, however, had parents that were unwise with money and the op followed their example. Of course her husband is going to be careful.

She been lying to him for years and wasting so much money. But just as he was ok about her debt before they got married, he's been OK now. You show me what he has done to justify her fears? It's what happens when you refuse to tackle an issue straight on, your worries start to catastrophise themselves. Was there anyone else on this thread who thought he'd leave her?

It's the ops behaviour around money that is the problem. If she'd told him the true amount of debt before they'd got married, she wouldn't have got herself wound up in so many lies.

What excuses have I made? I’ve been stupid and foolish with money, I got myself into debt. My husband is paying it off and I’m paying it back to him each month.

Yes I was a twat for getting myself into debt and hiding it from my husband, I’m not really sure what more you want me to do/ say?

He has been controlling around finances in the past (not going into specific examples) but I can’t really blame him can I. But it contributed to putting me off telling him about the debt.

I need to be better with money-I know that.

Thank you, this is actually a really helpful post.

Yes, I grew up in a very turbulent household with regards to money; lots of lies and secrecy- and debt! I’ve always been anxious about money, even when I was a teenager.

And no, you’re right, I don’t really understand how credit scores work, it’s one of the many things I’m currently educating myself on, spurred on by this thread.

In the past? Not now? Not ongoing?

Yes I’d say he can still be now tbh but I think it’s understandable given my history, so whilst it was factor in me not wanting to tell him, it’s the way he is, it’s the way he’s always been and I accept that.

Honestly you sound shit scared and a bit dumb about it all.
You told the credit card truth and he has been ok about it. The worst is over. Why are you still scared? Why don’t you think you deserve to be on the mortgage?

Go on the mortgage. The level of scrutiny you seem to be anticipating is not the case!

Nothing I'm not berating you?

It was a discussion with another poster.

Careful with money- good.
Controlling with money- very very bad.

Who gets to decide what gets spent? Who has the final say? What happens when your child needs new things, who pays for that?

Be careful here.

I know but there’s tonnes of threads on here with people saying that when they provided bank statements for a mortgage they had to go through it line by line saying what the expenditure was etc and had their spending questioned. I’m aware mine might look a bit odd as there’s a lot of transfers each day to a different debit account of mine. But like I say, I’m never overdrawn on my account, I have at least £600 sitting in it each month and it clearly says on top of my statement that there’s more money in than out so maybe that won’t seem odd to them, but I am overly anxious when it comes to finances so I do worry (sometimes unnecessarily)

This is a good outcome, OP, I’m so glad you’ve told him.

Re. Transferring money between your accounts. It’s completely normal, DH and I do this all the time and it’s never been a red flag when we’ve refinanced. It’s not as if the money’s being transferred from a mysterious source. In fact, we prefer to keep money spread around a few financial institutions just in case one of them runs into difficulties (yes, I know they’re insured, but you never want all your money in one place).

Anyway, stop worrying and continue educating yourself on finances. Talk through going on the mortgage with your DH. What are his expectations - does he want you to contribute towards the monthly payment, for example? Make sure that you understand and agree with his reasoning before proceeding. It probably does make sense, but you be comfortable with the decision, IYSWIM.

You’re a family unit now and you should make financial decisions together, to do what’s best for your family. No more secrets and being afraid around money.

A quick story about my mum and dad. My mum got married just before her 20th birthday. She was very protected at home. She had no idea about handling money. As money went in the top of her purse, it flew out of the bottom.
My dad was four years older, very responsible, worked in the finance industry.
My dad wouldn't have a joint account, they'd have been bankrupt. Lol.
One month my mum received her bank statement and there was £10 she wasn't expecting. This was back in the 50s so that was a lot of money. Obviously, she went and spent it. New dress, new shoes, bag... She had a lovely time. Two months later she got a letter from the bank saying there'd been a mistake and she was to pay it back. Oops. 😂

She had to go confess everything to dad who was pretty annoyed. He couldn't understand her reasoning of spending money she knew wasn't hers. There was just no meeting of financial minds betwen them.
But they lasted 60 years together, til my died died in his 80s. My dad never stopped being tight "careful". The stories I could tell! 😂 And, the good news for you, my mum became as big a saver as he was. Took her a few years but she got there.
It's a story they used to laugh about later, although my dad used to still shake his head!
In the scheme of your marriage, this really isn't a big deal. You've sorted it now and that's the most important thing.

Totally agree. We're definitely being given a window into why so many relationships don't work out...

No problem - only because I can relate. My mum amassed huge amounts of debt behind my dads back, we were always lying about how much things cost and money was a huge point of anxiety and secrecy in my household. My dad was hugely tight fisted but my mum was so scared of conflict or if she did confront him then he would abandon her that instead she did all this stuff behind his back which in the long run has caused her much more anxiety and stress than if she had just had an open and honest conversation about money with him in the first place.

this meant that as an adult I had huge anxiety about money and every-time my husband wanted to talk about money I would get into a complete tizz - similar abandonment fears like if somehow I didn’t spend money in the way he wanted he would leave me (learned behaviour). This also resulted in me spending money on credit cards that I knew I didn’t have (another learned behaviour) and racking up about £15k worth of debt in my early 20s (thankfully I was able to pay off with an inheritance).

I had to really work on my mentality around money, being able to have open honest conversations with my partner and work around this fear that money was ‘bad’ or something to be kept a secret.

I wonder if this is maybe why your living cost arrangements with your partner are not very equitable… did you just let him decide the amounts because you just wanted the conversation to be over because it was stressing you out? If your husband really is as wonderful as you say he is then I think you need to have a sit down conversation about how to make your contributions more equitable in the household as you seem to be contributing an awful lot considering you make so little in comparison to him - paying 1/3 of the mortgage plus all the food shopping seems like a lot on your end (I have a previous post in this thread explains how you could split it more equitably).