DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

[Blueskyfordays]

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

🤷‍♀️

Doesn't the fact that they were getting married and she had to put her own wedding dress on a credit card sound alarms to you? It does to me. I think it's sad that she had to resort to that.

I have never, ever heard of anyone other than the bride or bride's parents paying for the wedding dress. Is it a thing now that the groom contributes to the cost?

I agree venue, meal, photographer etc should all be shared expenses, but the choice of wedding dress is such a personal thing. Does the groom also go along to help choose it?

Huh? She's only a woman, so therefore she must have no money at all? Her only options are night fairies or a man clothing her from head to toe out of his own pocket? What century are we in again?

She earns a good wage, she had a 10k inheritance from her parents... Based on his knowledge of these things, maybe she just struggled to say to him "actually I spent all my inheritance on clearing 10k debt, and I still have more debt, so I need you to pay for my dress".

Or maybe she thought that the dress that caught her eye cost more than he'd like (which I know you're going to twist this into him being a monster again lol), so bought it on credit. Tbh it sounds a tiny bit like she deals with differences by avoidance/deceit/lies of omission (not a reflection of character most definitely, but not a healthy way of learnt behaviour).

My DH was more financially secure when we met. He had a mortgage and lived payday to payday but had never had a credit card or overdraft when we met. I earned less but always saved and spent less than he did. Eventually, lifestyle creep caught up with me and I was putting little bits on a 0% credit card. It had built up to £5k by the time he took me by surprise and suggested a joint mortgage and joint account, after 5 years of living together. I immediately paid 3k using my savings but had to confess to the credit card debt. He was surprisingly understanding and cleared the rest. It turned out my savings habit had rubbed off on him and he had been putting away most of his subsequent pay rises. All you can do is be honest with him.

@JenWillsiam I do agree that everyone lies for a reason (even cheaters, murderers, etc), and sometimes it's legitimate self-protection and survival. But sometimes it's not really necessary for self-protection and survival, and we would benefit so much more from an honest way of life – only our monkey brain and "learned" beliefs won't let us see that.

When I finally "came clean" to loved ones about something, I was surprised to learn their love was far more unconditional than I thought. On hindsight, before that, I really blew up their potential judginess and projected negative traits in my head. I tend to be an anxious person and have a childhood backstory, but that's nothing to do with them.

Oh and yes, the mortgage advisor asked us about debt on a joint phone call. There would have been no hiding it from each other. I still think it's worth being honest. He's going to find out either way so it's best to know how he feels now.

The point is that it's not very much money in the scheme of things. So it's a little puzzling why the OP has lied about it. So it's worth asking whether there's a reason. Not saying there is, of course. But worth asking. That's not being "anti man"

My parents bought me my wedding dress, but if I spent that sum on clearing secret debt and put my dress on another credit card, my DH would be none the wiser.

According to you, this evil man – no wait, "monster" as you say 🤣 – forced her into debt to buy her own garments. Then he first plotted to keep her homeless by tricking her into signing forms like you would a demented old person. BUT, now he's inventing a totally fake mortgage renewal that doesn't exist, to weasel his way into her finances... What a sinister change of mind!!! What next?!

Quick, someone call a helpline. For you – I think you need counselling for your own relationships and projections, lol. If this is how you generally view things, it is to the point of needing mental intervention / help, sorry.

Um, when did I say the mortgage renewal doesn't exist? You may be the one needing mental intervention/help if you need to fabricate such stuff.

You sound rather unhinged yourself to be frank.

"But he was complete fine leaving her homeless and possibly their child, before. Only now, he's changed his mind. We don't know how often the mortgage 'renewal' comes up. I've never heard of such a thing."

We don't know how often the mortgage 'renewal' comes up. I've never heard of such a thing."

Really? So you don't know how people fix their mortgage for a set period of time and then have to rearrange at the end of that fix? Wether that's 2yr, 5yr or 10yr?

That does not suggest I don't think it exists. You are extropolating and fabricating things I haven't said.

Not in my country (I'm not in the UK), no. Usually you get a mortgage and it's for the entire life of the loan. No renewal at all. The only time it's ever examined is if you want to re-finance with someone else, or pay it out early.

She had 13k debt but she lied and told him she only had 10k and was paying it off with an inheritence. So he thought they were starting the marriage with no debt. If she couldn't afford a dress, she should have discussed this before the wedding but by that time she'd already started lying so she couldn't.
I don't think it's unreasonable for people to think their future spouse can afford to dress themselves and they'll buy according to their financial circumstances.

Oh sorry. In between all the italics and bolded text about this MONSTER making his WIFE homeless and withholding dress money from her, it was hard to tell.

Tbf though it's not just you. There are lots like this on this thread. There's being alert for abusers, and then there's pure fantasising based on gender. These people probably actively want her husband to be an abuser just to prove their warped worldview, never mind that OP has said this isn't the case. She doesn't pay most of the mortgage and bills, and her husband's laissez-faire approach to her personal finances is visible.

I think such posts just reinforce to OP that there's no need for honesty in a marriage, only various degrees of trickery and power dynamics.

Wow...

It’s an easy situation to find yourself in if you are not actively managing your money.https://www.open.edu/openlearn/money-business/mses-academy-money/content-section-overview?utm_source=mse&utm_campaign=ol&utm_medium=mse-news&active-tab=description-tab
I think you will have to come clean with your hubby and transfer your debt to a zero % card to pay it off. £80 a month on interest is nuts.

You’ve got the wrong end of the stick here. If you take a mortgage out and there is someone over 18 living in the house they have to sign a disclaimer to say they understand a mortgage is on the house.
This is due to a court case many years ago where a house couldn’t be repossessed due to the over 18 DC of the owner claiming they didn’t know about the mortgage.

Op you need to balance transfer that debt and get it on a 0% if you’re credit history is too bad to this then I doubt the lender would add you to the mortgage however I believe you can go on the deeds but you’ll need a solicitor

Or maybe she thought that the dress that caught her eye cost more than he'd like (which I know you're going to twist this into him being a monster again lol), so bought it on credit. Tbh it sounds a tiny bit like she deals with differences by avoidance/deceit/lies of omission (not a reflection of character most definitely, but not a healthy way of learnt behaviour).

My mother is exactly like this… my dad is very tight and stingy and was happy to live with the bear minimum (to a fault - like will live with a broken shower for years rather than just spend the £200 to fix it) but instead of talking to my dad about their different views on money/lifestyle expectations she just put everything on credit cards, even family holidays that she knew we couldn’t afford and then would just lie to him about how much they cost. All her bank stuff is registered to my grandparents house so none of the letters ever go to my family home so my dad could never find a rogue credit card statement etc.

In the end she has amassed tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt (I think at one point it was in the £50k region) without my dad having a clue. When I was 9 she took me to the bank to empty a savings account my grandparents had set up for me to pay off some of the debt so I’ve been aware/part of this secret since then (my mothers parenting is not great).

They’ve been married 31 years and this has been going on pretty much the whole time and the debt still very much exists, I cannot emphasise how much constant panic and worry this debt has caused my mother… she constantly lives on a knifes edge that he might find out. So much more stress and panic if she had just had an open and honest conversation with my dad in the beginning.

And all stems from a complete and total fear of conflict and abandonment.

Have you told him, @Blueskyfordays ?

Have you told him?

Update-

I’ve told him. He’s understandably really disappointed and angry, but he is insisting he pays it off in the next few days and I pay him back each month to put it back into our savings, which obviously I’m totally fine with.

I feel so relieved and so, so thankful. I honestly never want to set eyes on a CC ever again!! I do truly mean it when I say I want this to be a fresh start!

My husband is an amazing and kind man for forgiving me and paying the debt off- he definitely doesn’t deserve the hate he’s got on here.

Im still not 100% sure about being put on the mortgage though. It’s not that o don’t want to go on it, it’s that I’m not sure now is the right time to be putting me on it. I only went back to work last month from Mat leave. I only got statutory mat leave and took the last 3 months unpaid, yet they want to see my last 3 months payslips, I don’t have any!

Also, this mortgage thing was literally sprung on me out of nowhere on Friday morning, I had no prior warning of it. It’ll be the first time I’ve been on a mortgage/ had a mortgage and if I’d have known I was going to be applying for one I’d have been extremely careful with my spending over the last 3 months to really cleaned up my bank statements as I know what they can be like. But I’ve just been spending as normal.

The positives- My account is never in an overdraft, in fact it’s had at least £600 sitting in it every month as I keep this as a buffer (I know, I know, stupid when I had debt) and from my statements I can see that more has come in then gone out each month (though some months only by like £40 😳)

So my account I don’t think looks too bad, BUT i have another debit card from another bank that I use to pay for all my online spends etc (no idea why, just laziness as it was the card details that were on my account) so I just transfer money over as I need to to the other account. I also bent my current account bank card at soft play back in March and never got round to Oder it another one so again, I’ve been using the card for my other account to withdraw cash if needed (as the other one is so bent I can’t get it into a cash point) and also to pay for some stuff on contactless as the contactless bit doesn’t work on my broken card either 😳 so in a nutshell there’s about £400 worth of money transfers to my other account each month. Will that look dodgy? Will it look like I’m money laundering or something?!

I just wish we’d sat down and discussed me going onto the mortgage properly a few months back and I’d feel a lot more prepared to have my finances scrutinised.

You are his wife! You damned should be on the mortgage deeds and not before time. I fear because of your good update you're going to pretend what you told us yourself, in your own words about him being financially controlling that you never said it. The fact of the matter is it is YOUR house. As much as his. And being on the deeds is the very very least that an equal partner should expect. Don't backtrack from anything you said just because he is suddenly playing nice. Remember it is his financial controlling that forced you to keep this from him. Don't sink into a fantasy world and re-write history.

Even with faced with this update you are still waging a narrative she is an innocent victim with a horrible husband.

I actually think the wording of.her update and faux confusion about her actions makes me lean more towards the other way than before, but I appreciate that's my opinion.

However, I dont feel you have grounds to be quite so militant to put words in her mouth here.