DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

[Blueskyfordays]

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

My own mother accrued tons of hidden credit card debt because my father was financially and physically abusive and she was trying to make sure we children had food and clothing. Nothing op has said indicates she has reason for accruing this debt or for hiding it. If she did, my advice would be radically different.

I just re-read OP's posts, and this jumped out at me:

The last time it was up for renewal I had to sign a form to state I had no claim over the house.

So he would rather you, the mother of his children, and his children to have no home? Imagine a HUSBAND asking his WIFE to sign a form that would make her (and their children) homeless. This man is a selfish greedy controlling monster. He is not just 'careful' with money, he is cruel, selfish, greedy and does not see his WIFE as his equal. Imagine doing that to your spouse, the one who gave you children and raised them. In that house. Their house.

And people wonder why she is scared of him financially and kept this from him?!??

Read the OP's posts, all of them, not just the OP. He is clearly financially abusive. That much is clear, and stands out like dogs balls.

Their child is 1.
They have been married for 2 years.

Last time the mortgage was up for renewal would have been before marriage or child. OP doesn't say how long they've been together, but it's quite likely that this was at a comparatively early stage of the relationship, when not giving an unmarried partner a claim in an asset that you have been paying into for many years before you met, would be absolutely normal.

But do carry on with the trying to prove the man in the wrong, that I know is normal on these threads.

Did you read the sentence before and after the one you quoted? Here it is:

He said the only reason he’s putting me on the mortgage is if he dies, they can’t just kick me out of the house. The last time it was up for renewal I had to sign a form to state I had no claim over the house. He didn’t want me to have to sign another one of those.

He doesn't want her or their child to be homeless and doesn't want her to say that she has no claim. The opposite of what you were trying to insinuate.

Honestly, I really hate this term, but it is the op who has committed "financial infidelity" yet one or two posters are trying to make out it is the husband who is being abusive. Hating debt and being careful with money doesn't make him controlling and abusive.

But he was complete fine leaving her homeless and possibly their child, before. Only now, he's changed his mind. We don't know how often the mortgage 'renewal' comes up. I've never heard of such a thing.

This @

The fact of the matter is, she is afraid of him financially and doesn't feel able to confide in him. That's what stands out.

The man hating is strong on this thread. Poor DH - if only he knew about this thread and how people perceived him as being abusive for being a responsible adult with finances. Lots of projecting going on! To all those responding who are with the version of the DH they are projecting about on here - LTBs and stop projecting. IMO partners who hide their debt are immature and very dishonest - there is no need for any dishonesty in a marriage. It is child-like behaviour.

I hope you find the courage to tell your DH. I wonder why he hates debt so much. If he was in debt previously hopefully he'll have more understanding towards you. Good luck.

He's hardly abusive and controlling when he's trying to put her name on the house and not forcing her to hand over all her money. It's the OP who seems to lack control - £4k debt with nothing to show for it nor any awareness of how she's spent it nor the sense to keep on top of it by transferring it to keep it on 0% interest. What a waste of money.

If he is controlling, he's pretty shit at it.

Spoken like someone who has never been in OP's situation. There is being responsible and sensible with money, yes. But there is also such a thing as taking it too far, to the extent that the OP can't even talk to her own husband. Being sensible and mature with money is a good thing. I don't deny that, neither I think would OP or anyone else. But her husband seems to come from privilege and doesn't even understand how 'people can get in to debt'. Many poor people are in debt. Some have to resort to things such as Higher Purchase. Unfortunately.

But regardless of the rights or wrongs of OP keeping this from him? His attitude is a bit extreme, even the OP says he's financially controlling. I feel some are not getting the nuance here, and are going straight for OP is wrong, no matter what. And the DH is good for being 'financially responsible'. But there is financially responsible, and taking it so far that they have a fear of any debt to the extent OP feels she has to lie. There is no nuance taken into consideration here. It's all OP = bad because she kept this from him. No much understand of why.

BathroomOnTheRight · Today 16:28 I appreciate you trying empathise with the OP and others who find themselves in a similar position. It’s the deceit more than the actual debt I think people can’t get past. Agreed debt and how to pay it off - fine. Deceit in any form - bad. Trust is just too fundamental to a marriage and treating trust with complacency is likely a massive factor in divorce rates. Mismatched approaches to finances another big factor in divorce rates no doubt because money management is too important a foundation.

Thank you, and I do understand where you and others are coming from too. You're right, deceit in a marriage is never good.

I don't think he talks about how much he hates debt all the time. He's probably mentioned it a few times and that has fed into OP's anxiety.

I don't see a financially controlling man having no idea about how OP's personal finances work + paying the majority of the bills and mortgage.

It's also getting to the level of comedy to insinuate he's made up the mortgage renewal @BathroomOnTheRight. OP has clearly made a huge effort to keep her debt from him from Day 1, even before the wedding — and ON the wedding day, she was wearing a dress she'd got into further debt for! Safe to say she probably refused to be added to the mortgage and was happy to sign those forms.

Yes husband could just be that much of a MONSTER that she had to lie to him from day 1 — but I think the reality may be that OP may have "learned" from childhood that Love is Conditional. You have to be your partner's perfect mirror, otherwise he won't love you. Flaws will result in immediate rejection and abandonment (classic catastrophising). Even now, the only thing she has taken away from this thread is how to cover up further with a 0%.

My birth family and DH used to be quite judgey about a certain thing. Don't think they realised they were being judgey, disparaging remarks about this thing is a common thing to say in society. They'd only said it a few times but enough times for me to get paranoid. When one day I confessed I'd done / was related to this thing though, their reactions were 100% supportive though initially upset I'd not told them. People are different when abstract things relate to those they love.

Op it's sad to think he'll kick you out because of this. He is your husband, be honest with him. Yes debt isn't great but it could be a lot more! Just be honest so he can help you.

I was going to mention this but changed my mind. But I'll say it now. Doesn't the fact that they were getting married and she had to put her own wedding dress on a credit card sound alarms to you? It does to me. I think it's sad that she had to resort to that.

No, because he had no idea of her /their finances.

He knew the wedding dress wasn’t coming from joint funds. Where did he think it came from? The fairies brought it in the night?

There are ways to pay for things other than credit card?

Own money, savings, parents paid for it, etc, etc, etc.

I don’t agree. You can keep saying stuff but my position won’t change.

Exactly this.

And that fair enough. But the fact is you do think everyone lies for a reason and you do think it's his ffault.

We also don't know who paid for the rest of the wedding costs. If that was DH it would probably have been quite reasonable for her to pay for the dress.
And wedding dresses can cost as much or as little as you like. OP knew she was putting it on a credit card -she could have chosen to spend less.

No that isn’t what it means.