Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

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I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

I suspect for OP it is having one with end in sight of primary school and one in end of sight at secondary but not yet endured the joy that is exam season.

I missed DD1 at literally just 4 starting school even though I had two more at home - she was tired and ratty after school and before. By Y6 she was clearly ready for more and excited by it- same now at 17 nearly 18 very ready to be off to next chapter - which is better than last summer when she'd seemed to regress and not have confidence to go out in the world. I've happily waved next eldest at 16 year old off for a week trip - it will be good for him.

Ours are now in bedroom more though I think they were still around more downstairs at 9 than OP youngest - but we do temp them down with pizza nights, game nights or help with their projects.

I a looking forward to cooking less - or at least with fewer restrictions and preferences to cater for and would like more time and money to focus on me and my needs which have taken a huge back seat. Doesn't mean I don't love them and or haven't invested hugely in their mental and physical well being - I have hugely loved having a busy household - but it's now getting ready for next chapter of their and our lives.

People I know who have very close relationships with their mothers certainly love them very deeply in a unique way throughout their adulthood. The unique mother-child bond remains there - it's different to other types of relationships. That doesn't mean they love them more than anyone else, or that they love them unconditionally. That's not what I'm saying.

(This obviously probably also applies to fathers, I'm only specifying mothers because that's where I've personally seen this deep lasting unique love/bond)

I think this feeling has been something I’ve always been scared of - the empty nest etc.
I used to have a job that I adored and took up so much of my time and thoughts but now at home full time with my SEN youngest due to circumstances- I can see how you can fall into feeling the way you do OP.
Parenthood is so bloody hard - you are gifted with these amazing beautiful babies and then the whole process of parenting is teaching them how to not need you.
You’ve obviously done a good job to find their growing independence difficult - you’ve given them the very best start in life. It IS a form of loss - how many people post pics of their now older kids as babies and toddlers marvelling at their cuteness? Give yourself time to feel this sadness and grief - you’ve given over so much of yourself you are allowed to feel sad when they’re needing of you slowly starts to come to an end.
I still teach a little and now teach tinnies and have always found this rewarding and an extension of my mothering.
If you think professional help would help - go for it! You won’t always feel like this OP - this too shall pass.

For me, you are in a bad way. How shallow is a life when the only thing that brings happiness is children? There is a whole wide world out there, get into it. I have three sons all in their 50s and love them to bits but always had a life outside the home which has stood me in good stead now that I am a widow and the boys, their partners, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren live away. Get a grip on life.

For all the people on this thread who agree with the op and feel the same as her, serious question, what on earth would you want instead of your dc growing up and away to flourish in their own lives without your constant presence?

The saddest thing I can imagine is having 30/40/50 year old adult children still living with their parents in the family home with no partner or social life or the adult responsibility of running their own life.

Maybe I could post on a forum where loads of other parents could offer insight.

Frantic, of course I want my dc to be strong independent adults and I'm doing my best to support and prepare them for this. I'm sure op too. I'd certainly not want to be doing the laundry of a 50 year old dc. Rest assured noone is sabotaging their kids prospects here...jeez what an overreaction does MN have sometimes.
It's more of a nostalgia really for me. I'll be proud of their independence, their achievements but I'll also miss the days I could cuddle them and watch peppa pig together. Obviously I won't be going round their uni crying come home to mummy 🤣 Not sure why it's so hard to understand this... It's so common it has a name, empty nest. I'm surprised at the people who can't wait to convert dcs bedrooms into a gym the minute they turn 16 and start hinting they should move out. But each to their own, they love their kids too. It's just people are different and everyone should respect that. Not categorise the empty nester as weird. We certainly aren't weird nor alone.

That’s a measured, decent response but there are some on here who are clearly far more concerned about how it all impacts on them, not the dc and trust me when I say there an army of (mainly American) absolute loons out there who write miserable, bathetic blog posts about “loss/bereavement/it’s like a death” shite cause their dc have the audacity to grow up.

Indeed 😄

I agree that you don't know for sure, but equally life rarely keeps getting better and better until the day you die - at some point you realise that the best days of your life are probably in the past. I'm not saying the most important thing a woman can do is raise children, but I credit OP with knowing herself and for her it may be the most rewarding thing/the highlight of her life. Life may surprise her and bring something even better, but she's not wrong to feel grief for what has been an amazing experience for her. She's not saying she doesn't want her children to grow up or that she expects them to live their lives for her. She just can't see a route to ever being quite as happy and fulfilled as this phase has made her.

You're allowed to find it bitter-sweet- in fact, that's totally normal. I find that when the bitter is in danger of overwhelming the sweet, I imagine what the counterfactual would be- what would the world look like in which they didn't become independent, what would that imply about their lives and happiness? And it reminds me that their independence is to be celebrated.

As PP said, you need to bring something to the table other than just your mothering of them, and that means finding interests and developing yourself so that there isn't just this void. Someone suggested a puppy earlier and you dismissed the idea because it wouldn't fill the gap, but I think that's missing the point- hobbies and interests won't exactly fill the gap but they will give you a rich and fulfilling life which will help you adjust to the gap, and will also prevent you becoming possessive about your children in a way which would drive them away. (Not particularly advocating for you getting a puppy, btw, only that you stop seeing things in terms of whether they're equivalent to caring for your children- of course they aren't, they are still worth doing.)

It almost feels like a stealth boast - I love my children so much more than you lot.
Although it's more likely MH issues for which OP maybe could benefit from some talking therapy.

I think you need some therapy. It's not healthy to be so invested in your kids. They deserve to grow up unhindered by your desire to keep them forever needing you.

@1mabon this op!

I know exactly how you feel, and while it does sound like you might need a bit of support from a counsellor to get through it, I also think it’s completely normal to feel this way. It’s also normal to not feel this way, but I don’t like the judgy tone of lots of replies. As someone has observed, it’s so common it has a name: empty nest syndrome.

I am dreading my son leaving home. Hiding it like a boss. I always tell him I consider it a failing to never move from the town you were born in, that I want him to travel and explore. My mouth says the right things. My heart is breaking. He is the centre of my world, my favourite adventure partner, the absolute love of my life. I think he’s amazing and there’s no one else I’d rather hang out with, not even my husband. Being my son’s mum is undoubtedly the pinnacle of my life.

But I do know that I will find a new normal the other side of him leaving home, and I am looking forward to exploring that identity a tiny bit. I’m also looking forward to grandkids - no pressure… ;-)

Myself and DD used to go shopping and lunch every Saturday, until one Saturday she said she was going to town with her friends instead, it was like a stab to the heart, it takes a while to get used to but it's part of life. You simply have to come to terms with them.growing up and moving on, we are still very close but keep in touch through SM when she is away at uni, we occasionally get chance for lunch but her life is very busy, you will adapt eventually

Please consider therapy. Your response to this natural process is above and beyond. I'd suggest you also consider channelling your loss towards children who need adults who will love them unconditionally. Fostering is a potential but there are other ways to do this - check out charities in your area. Good luck xx

I do completely understand how you are feeling. I read recently that even really positive changes can still take us through all the stages of grief - denial, sadness etc.
I can see myself in exactly the same situation as you. It is the most bittersweet thing in the world when you have truly loved being a mum to see them letting go of your hand gradually and becoming the wonderful people they are meant to be. Do take time to look after yourself as well and know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

Have you thought about fostering? You sound like you were born to it?

I think being a single parent too you basically have no choice but to throw yourself into parenting, as there's likely less chance for you to have a 'life' yourself and still have the energy and time to look after your kids and yourself.

I couldn't wait for mine to leave home.
Bliss.

I get what you're saying. I only had one and she was the sweetest little girl. I was a single parent, so we spent a lot of time together and I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have, which is where I differ a bit from you. I wanted more freedom. Now she's 13 and is really in the stereotypical terrible teen stage. Any time spent together is done under duress and she doesn't like affection at all. She has ADHD, so a lot of talking, when we do talk, involves her talking at me, as opposed to having a conversation, as she's not good with taking turns in conversation etc.

We do still occasionally have some fun/a good time, but more often than not she's sullen and argumentative and wants to be with anyone other than me. I do mourn that bond we had and wish I'd appreciated it more. I have a DP and friends, so my life isn't empty, but a part of me is empty, and I see my friends having close relationships with their young teens and it makes me really sad.

I think when she's older and even more independent, it will probably be better, as we'll hopefully have a better relationship when she comes out the other side of this awful teen stage. I do wish I'd had another child, or even two, so I'd have at least one still close to me, but that didn't happen, so it is what it is.

I really feel for you. Big hugs x

I think you have a good idea of who you are and what you get fulfilment from. I admire you for been honest not everyone is waiting for their kids to grow up so they get their life’s back , they are their life. Just a suggestion but gave you ever considered fostering ?

I feel this way. I had 2 in my 30’s and CV panicked so much when youngest was .8 that I had another 2 in my 40’s. Now in my 50’s, youngest is 12, I feel thoroughly depressed as he’s started to venture out with his friends, doesn’t hold my hand, knows I don’t walk in water 🤣 it’s just hard.

🤣🤣well said OP!

(I actually worry this will happen to me. I absolutely adore my boys. They r still young but I just can't imagine them leaving home :( Obviously I wan then to be independent and lead their own lives etc.. so they r happy adults. But I have loved being a mum so so much. I think a previous posters suggestion of considering foster parenting might not be a bad idea for you OP(?))