Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo My friend's GP {a male!} said he also was dreading his children leaving home- but he said a wonderful thing that may bring you comfort..

''They have to go away to come back''

And it's true. 🤞

Empty nest syndrome is looming for you.

it’s our Job as parents to teach out children to be autonomous adults & part of that process is them gaining independence from us, they spend less time in our company, spend more (most) of their time with their friends & we feel forgotten. They are building their own lives & we MUST step back & low them to do it.

You do need to find something to do that doesn’t involve your kids, you also need to be an autonomous adult, don’t burden your children with your hangups & neurosis.

Well, this thread has made me cry because even tho I'm nearly 40 I've just had to move to a different country and I miss my mum dearly. When I went to uni she wrote me a poem about coming home without me that I keep with me even though it was heartbreaking. I cried every day for a week when i left but she encouraged me to stay at uni, because whats the alternative, staying at home with mum forever? As adults it doesnt work. She has always had her own life and has a new partner who she loves and its great to see her happy, but I will always want to come home to see her. As a pp said the relationship with your mum is different and special and if you love them but give them space, your children will always want to see you. And yes we went through some difficult teenage years!

Theseboobsweremadeforwalking I agree, the connection with a mother is so strong. I feel for you having moved to a new country. I did the same a little younger for what I thought would be a few years and the years went by and my mum aged, then got sick and died and honestly I regret not staying closer and spending more time with her because now she is gone me being able to be independent pales in comparison to the time I could have spent with her in those years and of course now there is no opportunity to do that, I have regrets.

You said “ they will love you intensely forever, and in a way that they will never love anyone else”. No, they won’t and I find your expectation of this very odd and you’re in for a world of pain unless you adjust your expectations. Parents should love their children unconditionally, it doesn’t work the other way around.

I feel for you PP. I felt the same when my DS began to be independent, they are now 19 & 22, still at home thankfully but over the last 5 years I have gotten used to the idea, like time has healed a bit and I have distractions.
I think it would certainly help if you found a professional to talk too and dare I say a low dose anti-depressant to help you.

The people comparing the natural process of a child growing, maturing and becoming an independent adult to the bereavement of a child are absolutely disgusting. I have two friends who have each lost children, one of the children died when he was a teenager and the other one as a toddler, and let me tell you, those parents are utterly destroyed. Their lives have been shattered and they are both shadows of their former selves.

Some of you posting here really need a massive dose of cop on.

I couldn’t agree more, unfortunately there is an online industry of lachrymose, sentimental bloggery promoting this nonsensical crap.

I don't feel like this. I am very glad I have children and found all stages with them great fun.

But, I have friends, hobbies, a partner and a job and when my oldest went to University I didn't give her any thought fir a month.

It is also fun watching and helping them navigate the adult world.

The best solution is to find a demanding job!

How was your childhood, OP? Are your children the only love you have experienced? Might that be a factor?

Why don’t you foster

OP, my dd is almost 18 and lives her own life to a certain extent these days. It's a gradual process though- I haven't felt bereft because it's not like one day you are there 24/7 wiping their arse and spoon feeding them and the next they are gone- it's a slow release. As they become independent , bit by bit you find other things to fill the spaces they occupied in your time and your head.

DH and I are starting to enjoy doing things we used to do before we had her- long walks, going to the pub, watching a film at 8pm, going to concerts, cooking and eating spicy food, finding new hobbies, going to the cinema, cheaper holidays, gardening, having adult childless friends round, spending our money on ourselves (ok, not that much as teens cost a fortune) but not having to buy school uniform or shoes for her is a bonus!

Do you really think the op is equipped to meet the complex needs of children in foster care, who are traumatised and struggling, given how she is (not) dealing with the perfectly normal process of her own children simply growing up?

And foster children are not and should not be props to fill a void in someone’s life. They deserve so much more than that.

My mum was abit like this and think she struggled a little when we hit our 20's, we knew but she never tried to makes us feel like we shouldn't go and do stuff. Me and my sister both went away to uni and had stretches travelling or working abroad, so we definitely did fly the nest!
I am now home and have 2 little ones of my own and she is the best most helpful nanny!!

Some people really are made to be full time mumma's. I crave and dread my kids steps to independence in equal measure. I love kids in general and have always worked with them, and I adore my own, but find the constant need of me and noise terribly overwhelmingly (ADHD). So the idea of a bit of space sounds like heaven and a chance to enjoy them more, but at the same time the little years are flying too fast and definitely miss all the stages that are already over! 🥹 Motherhood is the best and the worst all mixed together.

My youngest child is about to leave home.
I do miss having a busy house full of children & yes I have cried every time one of them has moved out. I’m sure I will cry again when she leaves but I’ve prepared myself & a little part of me is actually looking forward to all the things I can do. I’m incredibly proud of the adults they have become & I still spend time with them all on a regular basis & now with my grandchildren too.
Most children, as they become older go through a stage where they don’t seem to need you but this is necessary for them to grow, it doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means they know you’re there in the background while they’re spreading their wings & they can come to you if they fall. As they become adults your relationship changes but can be just as fulfilling ❤️

What’s the point of having children if you don’t want them to grow up to be independent adults? God knows what you’ll do when they get boyfriends / girlfriends. The more independent my now 23 ds became, the happier I was for him. He found it hard to make friends and I was desperate for him to get out and about with his peers. I take pleasure in us being close though, and am grateful for it. Apron strings need to be cut for a reason.

I don't think we have enough information to judge that. Foster carers, like everyone, are flawed human beings with their own strengths and weaknesses.

I'd leave it up to social workers to judge if OP is suitable.

I think people are being really harsh in their responses to OP. I'm a new mum to a 2 month old. All the way through my pregnancy people told me "it's the best thing you'll ever do". And so far it absolutely is. I'm already sad about how quickly these days are passing. It's natural to grieve the decline of the best thing you'll ever do. OP clearly has other things in her life, but she recognises that being a mum to young children was probably the pinnacle. It's hard to see the pinnacle of your life in the rearview mirror, and it's natural to grieve. You're doing the right thing - finding joy outside of your children, finding joy in a new and different relationship with them. And stay open -minded, life may surprise you and give you a phase you enjoy even more.

Some of us are saying exactly the same as you, @NewHere83, from our own experience. My three dses are in their 20s now - one is nearly 30 - and I still get huge joy from them. There have been wonderful parts to every phase of their lives - and now the eldest and his lovely wife have made me a granny - and that is another new joy.

I can understand what you are saying, I think I will be like this. My children at 4 and 5 and I already worry about them growing up and not been there. It must be so sad xx

Get a grip woman.

There is sadness@Lollipop81, but also joy and happiness that we have managed to raise children who are ready for their own lives, and are enjoying living those lives to the fullest. No2 son is seriously considering a couple of years working as a teacher in Australia, and if he goes that will be a real wrench, but we will look on the positive side, and enjoy hearing about all his new experiences there.

They do fly the nest, but they also come back and give me massive hugs. And tall sons can reach things down from the high shelves - even if they do patronise me for being short whilst doing so.

Until you reach the last day of your life, you have no way of knowing what the pinnacle is going to be. You can only know what you feel is the best thing you've done so far.
I agree people tell women they will never do anything as important as raising children, but that doesn't make it objectively true, so I really wish they'd stop!
Women all over the world do amazing things that bring huge benefit to others and satisfaction to themselves, with or without child raising being part of their story.
Its lovely to get joy from small children, but not so great if you write your life off as inevitably lesser after the passing of this stage. None of us know what the future holds and the opportunities it might offer to be of huge value, both to our grown children and to other people, or what happiness may lie in store for us.

I understand that too. You are wired to be there for your kids unconditionally, happy to be so and doesn't want or need anything else, then it's gone! It's a lot to process.

I think this is one of the most insightful things I ever read on MN