Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

my mother was (is) like this and it has caused so much misery to all of her children. I would go as far as to say that her neediness has overshadowed all of our lives. I deeply, deeply resent it and see her as little as I can, as do the others. Sort this out before you cause your kids permanent damage.

Surely NO ONE wants this?!
it would be awful

totally Understand how you are feeling!

this Is my take on it, when you are planning to start a family you read (or I did) lots of guides and books about eating right, being a good parent, pregnancy, the first few years of dealing with a toddler etc yet when the time comes to start letting them be individuals, the advice has dried up!

our youngest is 25 and all moved o/s for work. Their visits are brief and during covid we didn’t see them for over 2 years. It was a massive hole esp around birthdays and Christmas.

I’ve tried helping a younger (struggling) family with extra food and supplies because I love to cook and create things (vege and fruit tree garden) however that was an employee who chose to no longer come to work.

however OP your youngest is only 9 so you have plenty of time left, there’s a big gap in being 9 and 15 so don’t treat them the same or allow the 9 yo to mimick the 15yo’s behaviour. You still have time left to be Mum!

It's not love though. Not really. Or if it is, it is a warped, twisted form of love. If the OP truly loved her children that deeply then she would instinctively put their happiness before her own crippling neediness. It's cruel and selfish to burden your child in this way. And it is a burden knowing that your Mum basically just wants to be with you as much as she possibly can. It's so suffocating to know that your Mum has made you the centre of her universe and is totally invested in your life.

The reason I know this is because I am that suffocated child. Growing up I endured so much bottled up resentment and bitterness toward my Mum. I loved her but I hated the pressure she put me under.

I completely understand OP. Your feelings aren’t unusual, it’s a painful season. I remember going through this as my eldest DS became more independent and finally left home - I’m so proud of his new life and seeing him stand on his own two feet - but it felt similar to a bereavement at the time. The same with my younger two. I had friends who felt the same, even this week someone in their 60’s told me it took them them some years to adapt. It does get easier with time. Maybe try to enjoy the moment and find new things to do together that you can bond over into adulthood. And take care of yourself.

Well at least it sounds like you’d like to be a hands on granny at some point, my 19 year old
often hints that she thinks she’ll have a baby,
dump it on me and her life will carry on as normal; she’ll have another thing coming!

It's a big step in life when your children are grown up. I felt we rattled around In our house, but I've had DD and DS live with us due to rental issues, I now have grandchildren who I love dearly and I can spend time with them without having the pressure that being a mother is

Could you foster?

Get some cats. Fab company

As my children have grown up I have become more and more involved in local community groups. I have chaired the community trust and have bought the local pub which we are going open as a community pub. It's been so satisfying and can't wait to start on our next project. Is there something locally or even nationally you would love to get involved in? I have friends who run the local food bank, others help in animal shelters and find this very satisfying and fulfilling?

I feel like this. My kids are my everything. I have a DH and a huge interesting job. I volunteer and have friends and pets and hobbies that I love but nothing compares to my little ones. My life pre kids just seems so pointless and empty I am dreading them getting older.

My son is 24 and lives with his Dad and step-family since he was 15 - all amicable. I'm now remarried but no other children. I see my son regularly and he knows where I am if he needs me. I'm 52 and living my best life!

Watching your children grow and become more independent is all part of the parents package. A bright and happy young person will be a credit to you but even though you may miss all the closeness you had, you will always be their mum, no matter how grown up they become and start leading their own lives.

Op you're simply describing classic empty nest syndrome. Nothing to worry about, even though it hurts. But it's perfectly normal, it's even got its own special name!

What does come across is what a lovely Mum you've been to your Dc. Other great mums don't feel empty nest syndrome with the same strength. Same with menopause. Same with pmt, post natal depression, job satisfaction....anything... we're individuals and it stands to reason some experiences you'll have will be more acute (and some much less than).

My suggestion is to immerse yourself in reading, tv, podcasts, anything about empty nest syndrome. It'll normalise it for you as you recognise yourself in there, it'll offer support and suggestions to help, it'll remind you this is just a phase that you'll get through and it'll be okay.

Funny that was my first thought too

I don't think this is normal, I think it's more than just empty nest syndrome. I can't relate to op re her view of what a maternal role is. Children aren't supposed to be to satisfy you, if the void is that big probably some counselling is best.

It’s so irresponsible to just say ‘can you foster?’ as if foster children are there to be props in the lives of others, to fill a gap and meet a need for someone else, instead of highly vulnerable children with complex needs who require tremendous input and support. The op doesn’t sound particularly well-equipped to be a foster parent given her level of emotional resilience and lack of perspective on natural life progression and stages.

I agree, to suggest to OP - a woman who is clearly so emotionally unbalanced that she foster, is disgusting, and insulting to the seriousness of fostering.

My brother (30) has just moved in with my mum and his wife too for a time. and I still go home regularly and we both adore my mother. She’s our favorite person in the world!! I call her every day and she’s still so much in my life. The relationship changes but it doesn’t end. My baby is 9 months and I’m already dreading him going to school, let alone moving out! Sending you hugs

I know right, it's one extreme to the other, no nuance.

This is about my feelings. If I could afford therapy I wouldn't be here 😂

Some of the comments have actually been really helpful and have given me quite a bit of progress, it's funny seeing people jump to wild conclusions because I came and spoke about my feelings.

I agree
wholeheartedly with Goldensky.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. These comments with the veiled insults are the most helpful so I can only thank you.

It's not a veiled insult, it's what has happened to me and my family. What would be the point in sugar coating it for you? The impacts on us (and her) have been life long.

I don't want sugar coating, but suggesting I don't love my children is insulting, and untrue, but I know that and it says little about me. The insights I've received are really great and that's why I came here.

Well I have never suggested that you don't love your children. I have just told you what has happened to my family. I have no doubt our mother loves us, just as I have no doubt about the scale of the damage her behaviour has had on our wellbeing.