DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

Just do not have children with him. He sounds utterly heartless and clueless about family life.

Why are you living his dreams and not yours?

This. He's told you who he is and how he behaves when you step out of line.

Do not have a child with this man! Makes plans to leave and find a better one.

I think I need to talk to him again don’t I. I find it hard to stand up for myself sometimes, I end up doubting myself or he convinces me to whatever he’s arguing.

I won’t be TTC until this is sorted, the whole thing feels me with dread. I know I would really struggle to cope with work as it is now, plus a newborn.

You are entitled to put your foot down. He doesn't get to dictate you working. You will take a minimum of 6 months off and he will hire someone to cover. Or no baby. But that's just the start and I worry about how much of a workaholic he is.

Make sure your contraception is 100% as he might try sabotage be aware of that too.

Are you are employee or if it your business also? It’s illegal to employ someone in the first two weeks after giving birth. So if you are an employee it’s also criminal what he is suggesting.

I think it’s probably manageable to half a day from home if you had all day help with the baby at home, eg to catch up on sleep and then work. Not reasonable to do anything otherwise. Can’t just get an hour of childcare and do an hour of work.

So he is being unreasonable to suggest you won’t have at least 6 weeks totally off.

hard to comment on after 6 weeks and if depends on how much help you’d have with the baby. I could have done half a days work if I’d had enough help - with cleaning, cooking and time to catch up on sleep.

You are being unreasonable to expect to be a sAHM for years…

Re: employment status.
Do you get a salary or share of the profits?

You are right not to ttc until you have this issue sorted. I hope he sees sense.

I intended to carry on working from home as though nothing had changed when my daughter was born.

For the first six weeks my head was up my arse. There's no way you can do that. You need time and space to adjust and figure out your baby. Don't let him push you into this arrangement, it won't work!

But it's strange to insist that the baby is outsourced, rather than the office work. Out of the business and the baby, you should have more trust in employing someone to do the books instead of with your newborn/none verbal child. It's one thing to give up a job, for years, but not to take a break from your own business to care for a pre school child. Unless you are getting a foreign nanny, the wage would be more for childcare than an office dogsbody. The advantage is that there's no loss of position and wage when the SAHP goes back.

Honestly it doesn't matter how much you talk to him, this is a man who thinks rearing a child is an easy little side hobby and EVERYTHING will be left to you. Only proceed if you want to do absolutely everything for your child as well as going to work.

OP, you are being abused by him.

There is nothing to discuss.

He's a bully.

I feel so sorry for you, but you need to be real here.

This is not a good man.

Don't inflict him on an innocent child.

Please ring Women's aid and tell them what he is like.

There are zero guarantees with having a baby, anything can go wrong.

Also, and I mean this very kindly, but you are 100% a candidate for post natal depression living with a man like that.

Women living with bullying selfish arseholes are far more vulnerable to it.

Please get some counselling to help you assert yourself.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too.

Read up about the boiled frog analogy too.

He has ridden over you for years and having a child with him would be the worst thing ever.

Start looking for jobs quietly.
Make your plans.
Assemble copies of all paperwork so you have all the financial information kept somewhere safe.

Don't waste your life with him.

Op he's shown you who he is. You would be a fool to have a baby with him and only yourself to blame because you know exactly what to expect. He sounds delusional and now you can confirm that.

I agree. I genuinely would be seriously questioning my relationship

If you choose to have a baby with this guy you’re mad

Op, many businesses insurance won't even cover postpartum employees for 2 weeks. I think for operation staff it might be 4. I think there's a legal restriction which highlighted it in our case, you would need to look into it if he's running a legit business with you as a named employee.

No wonder you're unsettled by the conversation - red flags all around and parenting is going to be impossible with his expectations. Don't have children with this man, he's not a partner. Can you imagine doing this to him? No? That's not how you treat someone you care about - you're being reasonable and trying to come up with a realistic plan but he's telling you his life won't change and you'd be expected to bounce back to a job supporting his life before you'd even be ready, physically most likely.

When I had our DC , I was admitted early due to complications, spent days having monitoring, was so sleep deprived by the time baby arrived (by c section) I was utterly unfit to hold a sentence together, never mind running payroll. I then ended up in hospital for a week after birth, recovering. Poor feeding so DC had the possibility to staying in. 3 weeks post birth led to infections where I needed post surgery care and minor corrections. I was on heavy medication for about 4 weeks. Totally unprepared for any of this but babies have their own plan!

I wouldn't have been fit to work even if our business insurance had said I could go back 1 week later.

(Oh add to this that my car insurance wouldn't cover me until the 6 week medical check confirmed I was fit.)

Another lady in my antenatal group delivered at 30 weeks.

Honestly what is your DH thinking with this plan, it's like he doesn't expect your whole lives to change. He's not prepared to be a parent.

This isn't just about having a baby. This is about having a family with someone who will never be present.

Being a parent starts on the day of birth and never really ends.

He'll not be there for toddlerhood. First day of school. Moving up to secondary. Navigating hormones. Friendship issues. Family days. Daily life. First boyfriend/girlfriend and so on and so on.

And he'll expect you to care more about the business than your DC.

theres multiple problems here, I think he needs to write down exactly what his expectations are and you do too before you even consider ttc, so you can discuss it properly.

i thinks it’s unreasonable of you to think you can go off after baby is born and not contribute at all for 5 years.

i think from his point of view it’s a shit deal, he would have to pay someone to do your job and then would have to get more money out of the business to cover what you’re now not bringing in to the household. It’s a massive risk in this economic climate, and doesn’t make business sense at all. Never mind the trust issues regarding the bank.

I think you should be more open to working after having the baby, I have my own business and a 2 year old and the freedom to do what you like when you like as long as the work gets done is immeasurable, especially if it’s from home, it’s NOTHING compared to the 9-5 grind. But if you’re both working now why are you covering all the household responsibilities? If you’re having baby, working as and when you can and doing all the household stuff that is far too much and something will need to change, he’s an idiot if he doesn’t recognise that, and you’re ridiculous for putting up with a situation you’re not happy with in the first place.

The problem is you don’t like the job, you’re not happy with the division of labour at home and your husband doesn’t think of you as an equal at work OR at home. There’s a lot of problems to overcome, but it is doable if you both want the same things.

there’s no reason you wouldn’t be able to cover say the important parts of the job (payroll, banking) and hire a cleaner to help do the domestic stuff at home after the baby’s born so you’re unreasonable for refusing to do ANY of it without really thinking about it. You don’t NEED to be a SAHM, it’s not all or nothing, you could do both (most parents work) and the flexibility afforded by the situation should make it quite easy to work it all out. Ultimately his business is what keeps you all alive, fed, with a roof over your heads, and you’re treating it as an inconvenience.

i think you’re being very naive about ALL of it.

You very much sound like mum material. Your husband, however, is not dad material. Not in the slightest, I'm sorry. I guess you need to work out which you want more, him or a baby because the two things appear mutually exclusive & you'll end up sad, regretful & resentful.

I'm so sorry this is something you have to face, it must be crushing. But seeing your post about your operation & his utter lack of support for you then...I'd take that as a red flag. That hurt you, everything else will be on top of that & living LIKE a single mum despite not being is a feeling of let down you're marriage will likely not survive in the long run.

Good luck. You're not being unreasonable & I wouldn't have a baby with this man.

Couldn’t have said it better myself

I think the fact you are considering having a baby alone shows he's not the right one to be the father.
I'd get yourself in order financially to move on. He's a selfish idiot you really don't want to be tied to! Can you get your job back or another? I wouldn't want to work for him at all. It's just another tie...

I think I would be looking to get a new job. Revisit the TTC or separation conversation when you have more security. You don't sound like you enjoy working in this business

OP, I was fit and healthy during my 1st pregnancy. I developed a rare form of pre-eclampsia- I went into hospital in mid November and came out just in time for Christmas- however my baby was in until January.

Why am I telling you this? There was no reason to suspect I would be so ill and baby would be so prem- so you need to make him understand that if anything like this happens, the ONLY thing you will want to consider, is the welfare of your child. Not work, not accounts, nothing. I hope the posts here are making you consider your position carefully.

If it's your first child, we all have unrealistic expectations that once the child is born they will shape the reality for us and the reality is different for every child. So I would apply patience for DH, don't leave him yet give him the grace to experience his unrealistic expectations of wanting you to work during your maternity leave so he will understand it will not be possible. Also, leaving the father of your child is a big decision that the process can and will be very complicated, as your pregnant you don't want that emotional stress. My advice is to apply grace.

@ILoveBostonTerriers Are you working full time but being paid a tax efficient salary at/around the personal tax allowance?
Is your dh paying you dividends on the shares you hold? Do you see the actual salary (and dividend) payments?

If you are not seeing any financial benefits to being "on call" at all hours, then you might as well find a normal job.

Plenty of couples in business together manage to strike the right work-life balance when children come along. The issue here is that your dh is not interested in doing that.

For example, if you were to have a baby, the company might pay either the accountant or a bookkeeper to do the bookkeeping and payroll (you can also get a payroll bureau to do the latter which often works out cheaper). If your dh is massively concerned about being defrauded, then he can still make the actual bank payments himself.

Tbh, I think the fraud excuse is a red-herring
I suspect he just doesn't want to pay anyone (accountant/bookkeeper/payroll bureau/anyone else) anything because he has cheap labour in the form of you, OP, and he can bully you into do work stuff at 11pm at night and on the weekends (whereas other people would completely ignore him)