DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

Does he really want a child? Enough I mean. They'll be a significant reduction in both income and free time. Does he understand that. Pose your ideal scenario, eg you being a SAH parent, him working 40hrs a week, weekends together as a family. Does this appeal to him? Now consider the cost in lost hours (both of you) etc.
I bet if you said it doesn't look like we can afford a child atm he'd agree with you.

but he is kind of weirdly obsessed with people stealing from him, or taking things that are his.

In my experience, often the people who are "weirdly obsessed" with someone else cooking the books, taking them for a ride, poaching their clients, etc, are the very ones doing this to other people.

They judge everyone else by their own (very) low standards.

I suspect you are employed whether you realise or not.

HMRC min threshold - can you set your own working hours? Can you pick your own job/task? Free to take other work?
No to all I bet.

This is your only job, yes.

You can be a shareholder & an employee. Ask your accountant - they should know, as they will have to report on this for the yearly accounts. R&A are public documents. All shareholders are required to be sent a copy of R&A.

agree with Anon2022Anon - he’s either stiffing you or being loose with the company.

I'm really struggling to understand why you think this is a good environment for a child to grow up in? It's just so, so far beyond both parents working full time, or parents worming all hours God sends to make ends meet. Both of you are working non stop for what? What time will this potential child have with their parents on holidays? Going to sports days or school plays? Family time on weekends?

Absolutely no judgement on parents who cannot do those things but bringing a child into your set up, imo, would be totally selfish.

We will probably only have one child (if we even can, I know it's not guaranteed), and I feel so, so sad that he wouldn't even give me the opportunity to just have that initial 12 months to be with the baby. Out of all our lives, if we live for 70 years, I couldn't have 1-4 years of those to have my dream?

So why are you staying?
He doesn't think about you at all

Do better

@Brooke321 is correct. You need to be a team. My DH and I have run our business for 25+ years. If I'm unwell he will tell me to take the time off and I will tell him to stay in bed when he is ill. When the children were younger, one of us (usually me) always supported them in whatever school endeavour they were doing. He volunteers for an organisation so he has a week off for that and I have learnt to go away for my break, again I took the children away when they were younger. It helps that our staff are paid monthly.
We have a rule, we talk about the business up until we walk through our home front door and then it stops. If one of us feels we need to break this rule (very rarely) we ask the other's permission first. We have both been known to say "no!"
You cannot take on the baby, home and work! You will need to employ someone even if it means he has to make the payments; you will need someone to work out the figures.
Babies are unpredictable so you won't guarantee a business can work around a baby.
Think carefully, before going ahead, when you are not on the same page!

You can claim maternity pay from the government since your self employed.

Unless he agrees to you having maternity leave and you actually believe him then you should not be having a child with this man.

is he planning to hire a nanny so you can go back to work so quickly? You won’t be able to multi-task. It’s not actually possible to both work and take care of an infant simultaneously.

I had an extremely flexible job where I worked from home extremely part-time during dd first year. I could work evenings and weekends. I rarely had to do more than 10 hours in a single week. Dd was a Velcro baby who wouldn’t sleep without touching me so If I wanted to work during naps, I had to hold her while I worked. It was really, really hard. I mostly worked while DH watched her, but even then I would get interrupted for feedings.

@ILoveBostonTerriers , is he a builder, by any chance? And wakes you early to get up with him every morning, and dictates when you can have a bath/go to bed?

I think you have different priorities, that much is clear. It could be you both have to make compromises to make this work. But you also have to be realistic- is he really going to change from being a workaholic who is very passionate about his work to someone who isn’t, overnight, because you have a baby? The odd person might, most won’t. If you have a baby, even if you do the SAHM part, he will expect you to do childcare and housework. Are you up for that?

I would also say that, generally speaking, when you own your own business/are self-employed that one if the downsides is things like no paid maternity leave/sick pay etc. You either do the work, pay someone to cover or the work doesn’t get done, whatever the consequences of that might be. So, the issue is are you an employee of the company or self-employed in the business? If the latter, you and your DH do need to come up with a realistic plan as to how business needs are going to be met if you are going to have a years full mat leave or we planning to leave to be a SAHP. You can’t just wing it on “a dream” because that’s what you want to do.

Can your DH actually do your job as well as his, whilst you are on mat leave? Can the business afford to get someone in to cover? If so, are you both happy to take the financial hit? Obviously, if you leave then someone will have to be hired to take in your role.

I really think you need to be clear in what are non-negotiable things from your perspective and where you may be happy to compromises. He needs to do the same. You then need to discuss and decide whether TTC is the right thing.

https://www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/leave

To everyone saying that the OP has rights to maternity pay and leave …. Yes if she is drawing a paycheque she likely by law does. However if in reality her and her husband look at themselves as self employed and she gets pregnant and takes leave refusing to work it will likely be the end of their relationship. They need to decide as married business owners how to cover her role whether at home or at work or a mix of both. He (rightly in my opinion) does not want anyone else to handle payroll/banking. If she simply leaves him to it maybe he would have less time to actually generate the business and money that comes in therefore further making her plan to be a SAHP less viable. There is not a clear cut “just take your leave” answer here. Being your own boss is not always easier but it is the situation they are in. It’s obvious they need to work this out before TTC. @jacks11 has said it very well.

That's a lucky escape. I wouldn't carry on in the relationship.

This has reminded of a woman I knew who was in business with her husband. Our babies were a few months apart,mine was the elder, and we went to visit her when her baby was about 3 weeks old.
I have never seen anyone more stressed, she was struggling to feed the baby who wasn't putting on weight, got mastitis, was trying to take client calls ass well as doing the casework, and was worrying about husbands dinner as he he didn't like ready prepared meals, even though he knew how much she was struggling.
New babies are really unpredictable, you don't know how you are going to feel or how well the baby will be. It is ludicrous for a business to rely on a new mother for something so important- what if you are in hospital when the wages need to go out? You need to employ someone at least temporarily to do your job and have them trained up before you go on leave. DH could learn how to do it, you could buy in payroll services, there are plenty of options, but to rely on you doing at what could be a few days postpartum is just foolhardy.
And illegal , I think. Check it out, but I think you are not allowed to go to work within the first 3 weeks of giving birth.
In any event presumably you are entitled to maternity leave if you are employed by the company.

Think carefully before having a baby with this plan in his mind.
A friend of mine was in this position. Ran a bar with her husband and she did all accounts and ordering- he was the host (the fun bit).
When baby 1 was a month old, she was back doing the whole job fitting it around the baby's needs and sleep schedule. She was expected to put in 40 hours per week and cope as an inexperienced parent with a newborn.

Not long after, she was a single mum, business was sold and she is way happier with her new compassionate partner.

Id leave him. He sounds horrid. Not worth having a baby with someone who leaves all the parenting to you.

You won't be able to work and look after baby, especially as they get older. He's not being realistic. At some point you'd need a nursery or nanny and then overall it's still going to cost you both money. Tell him to empty and accounts person instead!

If you're determined to stay Quit the job and get a new job, wait 6 months and then get pregnant. You need to accept you Are single parenting. Your dhs resentment about your not working in the business will be matched by your resentment of his lack of support. Sounds awful tbh.

Do you have any hard boundaries with him? Or do you capitulate to everything he wants?

This

I am lost for words. Do NOT have a baby with him. Legally you should have a minimum of 2 weeks leave. MINIMUM. But the reality is you will need a lot longer. You will have very little sleep, who knows what birth you will have and how that will make you feel, and you will not be able to so finances because your brain is likely to be baby sleepless mush!!
There is being proud of your work and working hard, and there's being selfish and living in the stone age wanting a woman to do everything and his life not change and then wanting you to still do half the work in work too.
I can imagine, if he can't see things any differently, having a baby will end in arguments and resentment and possibly a break up anyway. You do not want to be a single mother with a husband.
Best if luck

Please don't have a baby with this man.

I think some men don't really think this stuff through. My other half was adamant that he would spend paternity leave refitting the kitchen. I gave birth in October and the flat pack kitchen is still in our living room.... give him some time to think about it and then come up with a " contingency plan ".

I would leave and not have a child with this man. He only wants to work. He has no idea that your lives will change with a baby. You will just end up working all hours of the day and be a single parent. He wont be around to help you with the baby. Dont waste your life on him. LTB

We have a business. I am an equal partner in it.

Check your status in the company. If you're doing as much as him, you should be an equal partner, being paid a certain untaxable amount, then receiving a bonus every year.

If you're not, than sort it out before you start TTC.

He needs to be realistic. I was expecting to go back to work after 11 weeks as I was the chief income earner, life had other plans. Instead, I had an emergency section, was diagnosed with sepsis and necrotising fasciitis 8 days later (having been put out of hospital with it and then told I’d had major surgery so should expect to feel ill) and was back in hospital for 2 more surgeries and 8 months of physical healing. I finally got back to working (not the same place) 16 months later. He needs contingency in place if god forbid anything happens.

Just tell him to hire someone on a fixed term contract and you can fully train them up. You so also be available for answering a call if they really get stuck. You are entitled to take maternity leave.

If you really want to be a SAHM you need to be with someone who supports this. Is he going to compromise?