DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

That's ridiculous. Hand in your notice to him/drop him as a client and he'll have to hire his own accountant (probably more expensive than you) every company has one. Then get a job that you DO like so that you can get mat pay IF you decide you what a baby with him.

I am worried about how little help he'll be during your pregnancy and post Partum though if he was already an unemphathetic arse when you had surgery- he's show you how he is believe him. My ex turned sour and selfish and unkind when I was pregnant - you have the benefit of warning and your eyes have been opened. Unless you're prepared to bring up a baby alone don't have one with this uncaring guy

Your marriage won't survive that. DS is 4 and I only just feel like I'm getting back to myself again with a bit of breathing space. It's 24 hour responsibility, fills your whole headspace, and you're tired a lot. If he wouldn't even take over the dog walks for 6 weeks postpartum if you have a c-section, for example, don't do it.

If you take care of the all the finances and do the payroll you can't NOT know if you're employed or self employed.. you're either on the payroll or you're not. Something fishy about that.

I also find it odd that you can't have a grown up discussion without it 'getting his back up' and you dropping it.. I think there way more to this story than you're letting on personally and I'm not sure why you'd even entertain the idea of having children with someone you can't even communicate with?

I feel like we should all start warning younger women that if there is a plan where you're going to work on one person's dream, as a couple, and then once that one is achieved it will be the other one's turn - try to make sure that the first dream you work on is the woman's, because it so often seems to be the man first, and then after the first goal has been achieved the goalposts often seem to shift.

I definitely won't be TTC with him at the moment.

What can I do though. Having a baby is a non negotiable for me, can I really just leave a marriage over this? It feels like it would have to be all or nothing. I can't see it going down well if I wanted to just get another job and I can't imagine that he would ever change. I have to accept everything how he says or leave and be on my own. When I look at it, struggling for money on my own, pregnancy and raising a child on my own, having to get a job and work full time anyway, should I really put myself (and a potential baby) through all that just to have a maternity leave?

Your third option is to stand up to him and tell him you will be taking maternity leave if he wants a child and mean it. No matter how much he cajoles or sulks about getting you to work so he doesn't have to hire.

But it's not just about your maternity leave.

If you stay married to this man and have children with him you, you will always be a single parent and be expected to work. Just with the added benefit of having a selfish man to care for aswell. Leaving does not have to mean being alone forever, you could find someone more suitable.

You seem to be in denial about the rest of his behaviour. It would NOT be just to have maternity leave. It would be to leave a relationship where:

• You do not have freedom to change jobs
• He is financially controlling
• If you try to discuss issues, he gets angry and shuts you down
• He has actually damaged your mental health (after your operation) and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
• He showed no regard for your physical health when you were going to be operated on and has more or less told you he will do the same when you have a baby
• He does not compromise for you
• He leaves you to do all domestic chores
• He has pretty much told you he will be an absent father, just like with the dogs
• He does not intend to help or even let you achieving your dream, despite all you have done for his

This, this is why you would be leaving him. I'm sure there's more, if you can get enough time and space to clear the fog, OP. This kind of behaviour gets WORSE during pregnancy and subsequently, not better.

Honestly, OP, if you have a baby with this man you will have brought it all on yourself. He's shown you so clearly what it'll be like.. believe him!
You and your future baby deserve so, so much more

Its not about “just maternity leave”
its about your whole life afterwards
From what you describe you’ll be expected to both work and do everything child and house related, forever. The fact he didn’t even let you recover from a surgery is a huge red flag. But caring after a baby without mat leave or full time help is just impossible.

And he’ll just do a cuddle once a day (like with your dogs). Or will do a little “to help out” after monumental nagging.

It is absolutely unsustainable, Im telling you as a working mother with a nursery place and babysitter. It will drive you to a divorce anyway, only you’ll be more exhausted and will have regrets about your children not seeing their father every day. And you’ll have even more money concerns.

your first step is to continue try talking to him. Second is couples counselling.

Also why would you be raising a child on your own if you divorce him before having a baby ? You have a chance to meet someone who can treat you as a partner 🤷‍♀️ and be happy for you to be SAHM

Yeh this is ridiculous he knows nothing about babies

If you were a single parent you would at least be able to claim UC..

Ok, flip it around.

What kind of Father will he be? Will he be there to read the bedtime story? Will he get up when kids have got Norovirus and pick the sick up? Will he help with homework? Will he spend all day Saturday at child's hobby? Will he be there for the school play? Will he deal with a toddler tantrum? How will he deal with a stressed out teenager sitting their GCSE's who needs loads of reassurance? Will he drive teenager round if required? Will he get the packed lunch ready in the morning? Just a tiny snapshot of parenting.

Or will he want to get back to work and you can deal with it? Will be be 'too tired' at the end of a busy day- or will he be 'fun Dad' while you are doing all the drudgery? Of course, he may be a brilliant Dad- but it is better to think about this carefully before you make any decisions.

I was about to say something along these likes but this so eloquently sums it up.

but actually as well he doesn’t want you running family life he wants you working as well so who exactly would run the home

He doesn't want a baby. He wants the idea of a baby. Keeping up appearances. But he's telling you loud and clear that it will be completely down to you. If you get sick, he won't take time out to look after the child. He can't even look after the dogs FFS.

Have a baby, but not with this man. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. Time and time you read posts on here about mothers with feckless husbands. Don't join them.

Also, think about what kind of role model he would be to a child. Always absent. It's not a good upbringing.

Find your courage op. Find your voice.

I don’t have loads of time. I’m in my mid 30s already. I also wouldn’t trust myself to not get into this situation again. Or an even worse one.

If you think he will make a good dad and you're happy to do all of the work baby/home wise then by all means make a decision based on that, but don't forget you're also making a decision for your child, they don't get to choose who they're born to or whether it is a happy household unfortunately, you really need to consider the long term here.

I hope I don't sound really smug or patronising when I say this, but when I met my DH, we dated for a while but it made sense for us to move in together, I had no hesitation, we knew we both wanted child/children, but it didn't matter if we didn't (didn't know if we could as I was older - 40 when I finally had our daughter), we don't agree on absolutely everything but we don't really fight, and our outlooks and basic wants in life as the same or similar, we have mutual respect in the relationship so if one person feels particularly strongly about something the other one will accommodate as best they can, there's always open communication and we love each other.. even if we annoy each other!

The reason I'm telling you this is because, when you find the person you want to start a family with, you'll just know, it's not a decision you make where you negotiate about what it will entail, and who will do what and when, and one person is dictating those decisions, and the other person feeling like the don't matter. If you're already in tune about most aspects of your life and you're happy together, you know you can be happy with children in the mix too.

If you could magic up a baby tomorrow and CHOOSE a father for it, would you choose your DH? if the honest answer is yes, then great, if the honest answer is no, you need to seriously consider your options here.

Get some therapy if you really think you’re likely to end up with a similar (or worse) guy.

You still have time - so don’t waste any more on this man. I have a couple of female friends who had families with the “not-right” guy because they were worried they were short on time for having kids. HUGE mistakes, they deeply regretted it. They don’t regret the kids (mostly) just everything else. You don’t have to settle for the “not-right” guy.

I second the therapy. Children are blank slates who need unconditional love. Don’t give them this man for a father.

Op, you’ll regret this so much if you go through with it, and the guilt, so much guilt because you knew. This man will be a terrible father and he’ll wear you down so much you won’t be able to be the mother you want to be. That’s the risk you’d be taking. Please try counselling/therapy to help you see this clearly.

OP your DH seems blissfully ignorant about the realities of life/health/pregnancy/childbirth etc. you may not be able to work whilst pregnant or after the birth for unexpected but not unlikely reasons relating to you and/or your child.

Time off to give birth, recover and look after a baby is an incredibly reasonable desire. It is in the best interests of your health and the child. Anyone who can't see that shouldn't be having children. Make this non-negotiable. I would also be avoiding being a stay at home mum with this man as you would be even more reliant if you are put of the jobs market. I sincerely hope that your employment has inclusive pension contribution. It is surely better to not have a child with a man like this even if it means you might never have one.

OP,
You are in a really tough situation and my heart goes out to you. Why do you think that he will be a good father? The chances are that this workaholic will treat your child like how he treats the pet. I am sure that he will love them but only as an ornament to his life. You know that he won't be part of the hard bits, that will ALL be on you. He thinks so little of you and minimizing the potential impact pregnancies so much that he doesn't think that you should have maternity leave. He doesn't sound like a good partner or father to be.

The issue OP is what your life will look like after baby. We see it on here time and time again, women at rock bottom, knackered, relying on their husbands for money, expected to contribute and cover everything child related, whilst keeping on top of housework and cooking. Then suddenly you've let yourself go, you're no fun anymore, you're too tired for sex so they were perfectly reasonable to sleep with someone else and you find yourself in exactly the situation you didn't want to be, a single mum.