DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

How old are you?

Put the entire child in the bin and go have an actual child to parent instead tbh.

I think don’t have a baby with this man until this is is resolved. You absolutely will not be able to take care of a newborn and work at the same time - either you pay someone to do the newborn care, or you pay someone to do the accounts work. Your husband sounds as if he has no idea what it actually means to look after a baby, and how demanding it is of your time. He needs to understand it is delusional to expect you to work while baby is small - I’d say 6 months is reasonable, although by 3 months I felt mostly recovered and able to do some challenging mental tasks. But the first few months? No way. For example, for the first month my baby would not be put down without screaming, including when asleep, so I walked around wearing the baby and had to ‘sleep’ with her on my chest. Needless to say even doing any domestic tasks was difficult, let alone trying to work. It didn’t help I was also recovering from c-section. If your husband is not going to be realistic with this, he doesn’t sound like the right person to be having a child with.

This - you can't talk an abuser out of abusing you.

If you choose to have a baby as things stand now, it will destroy your me to health. He is telling you how it is, you need to listen. It seems to me like your married life revolves entirely around your DH and his needs and wants. What about yours? Why do you think you should sacrifice your needs and wants for another human being? You need to work on your assertiveness, nobody else will look after you (and potential children), you have to look after yourself. You are just not with the kind of man who wants you to be happy so make your own happiness.

I tried to speak to him today about this all again, but he got his back up instantly and tried a couple of things to just shut me down, like saying I just need to get my side of the business more organised (which it is. I could do a handover in a day or two and someone could easily pick up where I left off), and when I told him that then he started saying about how he thinks the thing I’ll find hardest is the loss of time to myself.

I don’t really know what he means by that? Or why it’s relevant to what I was trying to say. But I ended up changing the subject because I could feel the tension from him.

You are rightly afraid of this nasty bully.

Don't inflict him on a child.

So you tried to have an adult to adult conversation and what you got back was 2 nonsense excuses, an attempt to shut you down, and attitude?

" he started saying about how he thinks the thing I’ll find hardest is the loss of time to myself. "

He said this because he knows he will not be doing any childcare/parenting.
It will ALL be on YOU, he never intends to help or do his fair share, he doesn't even want a baby.
Please listen to your gut and take steps to better YOUR life not your husbands because he doesn't care at all about yours.

Well yes, it would be hard to have a baby with a man who didn’t do anything for the baby, you or the house but not only expects it all to be done but also for you to take no holidays or maternity leave from your job. So hard that you should not do that.
have you looked up other jobs yet? You need one.

I might be very mean, but I'd have that internal crisis as a massive external shitfit.
You 'll have had a baby, payroll a day or two later? It's absolute nonstop and he needs to accept there'll be double cost of an accountant for few months training, handover, maternity pay.
What's the point in having your own business if you'd be better treated in a corporate of your own choice?

I think he's telling you that he doesn't really want a baby. He's trying to tell you this by making it very clear that you will be expected to do everything and his life won't change.

You know that cliche of a man wanting to end a relationship but not wanting the responsibility so he acts as dickish as he can so the woman ends it for them?

He's doing that sort of thing.

Agree. You cannot have a baby with this man. The "loss of time" comment is him saying he will not be taking on any baby care because he's got the business so basically you'll be expected to do business and baby - and asking you to think about if that's what you want.

Even if you were to be a SAHM mum you'll need some time - appointments, haircuts, help when you're ill. He won't give you that, despite being right there.

Why did you shut it down you should have asked what he meant even if it caused tension. Would it been a full blown argument as sometimes one of those is needed to clear the air, or to decide it’s time to leave.

This man clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart, he uses you as a work horse.

Why does he even want a child? It’s clear he’ll spend no time with them at all.

I'm so sorry. It's really easy to sit here in my awesome life, happily single with two amazing kids and just say, 'leave'. I know, because I've been there, how hard it is to leave a toxic relationship and give up on the dream of happily ever after. But you can't even have a conversation with him without feeling shut down/so intimidated that you have to back off. It sounds like your lives are so intertwined right now. Maybe the first step towards freedom is finding a job so he's not your boss as well as your husband?
It's possible, with therapy and really strong boundaries, that you might be able to salvage the relationship but it's clearly not the right time/person to be having a baby with. I really feel for you.

This man has no respect for you or your happiness, with or without a baby. Even if I decided to stay childfree, I would leave.

Oh @ILoveBostonTerriers he is making it abundantly clear he does not want to have a child with you. Please take heed, he will string this out until it’s no longer an option. Don’t waste any more years on it.

Secure yourself a job, then plan your exit from him.

@AlltheFs I think he really does want a baby though. He keeps bringing it up and asking if I want to start trying next month, he's been reading up about TTC and sent me some links. I believe he wants one.

I think it's like everything else in our life though, it all has to come second to work, he expects nothing to have to change for him. I don't quite know how to describe what I meant but he'll be imagining it like he is with our dogs, I do everything for them, he just gives them a treat when he gets home and he wants them to cuddle him if we're watching TV. If he has time to come on a walk with us he will, but if he has/wants to work the dogs walk is forgotten because I'll just do it and take care of it. I keep a lovely little family home life going for him for him to dip in and out of whenever it suits him.

I feel so sad.

I feel so sad for you too. You deserve better than this.

You continue to choose this life for yourself though. Your entire world revolves around this man and his needs. Dont bring a child into this,it is not fair on the child, another kid growing up in a house where mum does everything while dad lives his best life. So the cycle continues. On and on.
Please want more for yourself.

So he wants to be seen as the man who has it all - runs a successful business, lovely wife, 2 beautiful children and a dog.

He wants the family but none of the work that goes with it. I'm willing to bet that you are a very good looking, slim woman who is socially outgoing and articulate.

Of course he wants a baby, it makes him a respected family man. Honestly OP he'll be the same with the children as he is with the dogs. You can wheel them in when he's back from work and he can talk to them for 5 minutes while you get his dinner on the table .

Sorry if I'm taking out of turn but honestly it doesn't sound positive. Ask him why he wants a baby and isn't he worried his 'free' time will be curtailed.

What you've explained regarding the dogs is the life you will have with your dc. You, your job, your time and the dc will always come second to your dh. Make the decision regarding dc based on this.

Sorry he is delusional (on both fronts- you working through mat leave and his workaholic life not changing).
unless he’s prepared to hire a nanny from pretty much day one.

keep talking to him, go to couples counselling, get him talking to friends and family who have kids and busy jobs… don’t start TTC until you are on the same page