Dd grumpy at me but I think her lack of communication is to blame.

[BarbiewhupsSindy]

Dd2 and I joined DD1 for long awaited fantastic concert tonight.

Let's say DD2 and I live in Bristol (she's 19 on a gap year, lives at home). DD1 let's say lives in Birmingham - 25, lived there since she finished University, very settled in her own flat, good job, just returns home occasionally for the odd night.

We liaised tonight at a music concert in Oxford.

I drove DD2 up there, DD1 hopped on the train and met us there, we had lovely supper and concert, finished the concert and went to say our goodbyes, when DD1 dropped the bombshell that she'd decided to come home with us for the night, and she'd WFH (our home) and then catch the train back tomorrow evening.

Well all good, and dandy, except I didn't have space for her in the car 😭.

She didn't want to get the late train back as it would involve an hour wait and then a 15 minute walk at approx 1am through the city, or an uber.

So I arranged for a late check in at a hotel in Oxford for her because I felt guilty that I couldn't accommodate her wishes.

She went off in a snit muttering about wanting to spend time with her younger siblings and pets, see her childhood friend, and I've prevented that by not being able to get her back to Bristol.

She has form for holding a grudge, so I'm wondering how long this wobbly will last.

YABU you should have anticipated her prodigal return.

YANBU she should have communicated with you that she'd be returned to Bristol after the concert.

😬

Nah she's in the wrong. If she wants to come home she can arrange it properly. Not sure how much time she'd spend with you if you were getting back late, then she's working all day tomorrow and leaving in the evening. Yanbu.

SIBU and I'm happy to hear the concert was a success!

I've got to ask, though - do you drive a 2-seater of such sporting proportions that you can't even squeeze someone --illegally- behind the seats??

Hope she's having a comfy night at the hotel and you'll all be friends again by brunch.

My car is a mess 🙈 but...what on earth are you carrying around in the car that you couldn't shift stuff around? 😄 I feel quite comforted, actually. Perhaps I'm not as bad as I thought!

I think it’s reasonable to expect your parents to give you a lift back to your childhood home without notice tbh. You’re her parents, not randomers.

Why on Earth couldn’t you have fit her in the car?

You think parents should constantly have empty seats in their cars just incase one of their adult children invite themselves for a random journey?

My parents have two adult children - so they need to keep two seats free at all time?

What about those who have 3/4/5 adult children? Must they drive a minibus well into retirement incase all their children spontaneously show up?

Well, she wouldn’t treat her boss like that and expect praise, would she?

She is just not expecting you to have a life outside her that involves …. a life. So, communication is good and if she doesn’t communicate, she lives and learns. And you shouldn’t be paying for it.

Did she offer to have things on her lap in the car so she could have a seat and you refused?

Did you have other people in the car? Why couldn’t she fit in..

Yes she should have spoken to you about it beforehand. But, what sort of car are you driving that can't fit 3 adults?!!!!!

Would she have just assumed you would have room in the car? Unless you drive a sports car or or some other 2 seat vehicle, it seems reasonable that she would assume there would be space. Though she should have asked before you left home so she could make alternative plans if necessary.

I think we need to know the answer to the car pretty quickly!

Aww I really feel for your daughter. You all had a good time together and she felt close
to you all and realised how much she was missing you all by being so far away and wanted to hang out with you all a while. 25 may be an adult bit we all revert to children with out parents and you told one child
she couldn’t come to your home because
you could t fit her in the car. Unless
you’d surprised her with a tiny 2 seater sporty number she didn’t know you owned, I can’t see how it was so impossible.

it was kind of you to offer a hotel room but I get the feeling it was more about the sense
of family and belonging for her than just not wanting to go home. The rejection she’ll be feeling right now will be quite immense

We always have this conversation about whether we’ll downsize the car in the future when the kids are older (6 of us so we need a seven seater). I don’t think it was a bombshell, I think you both should have considered it and sometimes people get ideas so it’s on both of you (but not as far as to say it’s either of your fault- I don’t get home all the time so I see why she’s upset). Just arrange a games night at home in the upcoming weeks

It’s definitely on her for not saying.

Did she not know you have 2 seater? If you don’t, I know it’s not the point of the thread, but what are you driving around in your car?

This

Op needs to answer how many seats in the car!
But yeah your daughter should have communicated that she couldn’t be arsed to travel back and wanted a lift and you to wait on her tomorrow

Curious about the car space also! Whilst it's reasonable to assume there would be space the onus is definitely on her to check. I wouldn't have paid for a hotel either.

But three people can fit in most cars.... even in my Fiesta!

If you have a 2-seater car (that your DD is aware of) then she should have communicated ahead.

If you’re driving a load of junk in your car I would probably have asked her ahead of time if she would be coming home. It would never occur to me that someone in a regular 5 seater wouldn’t be able to fit a 3rd person in.

Agree she should have warned you but what's taking up all the room in the car?

I’m guessing the OP gave some other people a lift to the concert.

Im pretty sure though that had I made these arrangements to go to a concert it would have been mentioned before or during the concert that Janice and Jane were coming in the car and then meeting us after for a lift home.

Im also now intrigued.

maybe the OP filled her car with Ikea flat packs on the way to Oxford 🤷‍♀️

You should have made space for her.

what a shame she didnt say in advance

It sounds a bit weird, could you really not have made space for her? Presumably if you have a two-seater she wouldn't have expected a seat, so I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that when two people are coming in a standard car there will be space. But SIBU to be annoyed about it and not have a back-up plan and suck it up and get the late train.

Yep - this is what I want to know also!