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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd grumpy at me but I think her lack of communication is to blame.

142 replies

BarbiewhupsSindy · 14/07/2023 01:38

Dd2 and I joined DD1 for long awaited fantastic concert tonight.

Let's say DD2 and I live in Bristol (she's 19 on a gap year, lives at home). DD1 let's say lives in Birmingham - 25, lived there since she finished University, very settled in her own flat, good job, just returns home occasionally for the odd night.

We liaised tonight at a music concert in Oxford.

I drove DD2 up there, DD1 hopped on the train and met us there, we had lovely supper and concert, finished the concert and went to say our goodbyes, when DD1 dropped the bombshell that she'd decided to come home with us for the night, and she'd WFH (our home) and then catch the train back tomorrow evening.

Well all good, and dandy, except I didn't have space for her in the car 😭.

She didn't want to get the late train back as it would involve an hour wait and then a 15 minute walk at approx 1am through the city, or an uber.

So I arranged for a late check in at a hotel in Oxford for her because I felt guilty that I couldn't accommodate her wishes.

She went off in a snit muttering about wanting to spend time with her younger siblings and pets, see her childhood friend, and I've prevented that by not being able to get her back to Bristol.

She has form for holding a grudge, so I'm wondering how long this wobbly will last.

YABU you should have anticipated her prodigal return.

YANBU she should have communicated with you that she'd be returned to Bristol after the concert.

😬

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 14/07/2023 07:53

extremely frustrating that OP has left out some key information as to why her dd couldn’t fit…

if it was because of giving others lifts then that’s just really unfortunate but not much that could’ve been done about it

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 07:56

It is perfectly possible to have no room.
DH has a 7 seater that without pre warning normally only has 3 Seats available. But our DDs would know this.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/07/2023 07:57

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 07:56

It is perfectly possible to have no room.
DH has a 7 seater that without pre warning normally only has 3 Seats available. But our DDs would know this.

What the heck does your DH keep on his car that regularly takes up 4 of the 7 spaces???

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 07:59

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 07:56

It is perfectly possible to have no room.
DH has a 7 seater that without pre warning normally only has 3 Seats available. But our DDs would know this.

What's he storing in it? Bodies??

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 08:00

YourNameGoesHere · 14/07/2023 07:57

What the heck does your DH keep on his car that regularly takes up 4 of the 7 spaces???

Show quote history

Aeroplanes and boats (radio controlled, but big) and clothes for all weathers including waders.

helpfulperson · 14/07/2023 08:03

depending on what I've been using it for my car I may or may not have the back seats in it. If I've been using it in van mode I wouldn't put them back in for one evening just in case. I can think of many reasons why the back seats might not be available.

ButImNotOldEnough · 14/07/2023 08:13

Surely she’d have known you only drive a 2 seater?

MirandaWest · 14/07/2023 08:18

It could be that OP has more than one car - a two seater and something else. She took the two seater as there were just two of them and they’d met DD1 in the middle of Oxford so she wouldn’t have seen which car they’d brought. If she’d said before they’d have brought a bigger car.

Was it Belle and Sebastian you saw? DD and I saw them in Liverpool and I saw they were playing in Oxford last night

Hazelnuttella · 14/07/2023 08:25

Diagram of the car please.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/07/2023 08:26

TeenDivided · 14/07/2023 08:00

Aeroplanes and boats (radio controlled, but big) and clothes for all weathers including waders.

Show quote history

I have so many questions...

I suspect the OP however is not lugging around a number of radio controlled planes and boats on a daily basis.

RampantIvy · 14/07/2023 08:29

Aeroplanes and boats (radio controlled, but big) and clothes for all weathers including waders.

Would you really leave all that in a car in a public car park to go to a gig?

Maybe I'm more risk averse, but I don't leave anything valuable in the car.

Serena73 · 14/07/2023 08:36

She's made it into a bigger deal than it is. At 25, she should be able to adapt without being in a grump and been happy with the late train and an Uber which presumably you might have paid for if you were happy to pay for a hotel? Or just come another day instead.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 14/07/2023 08:40

Why couldn't you fit her in the car? I think it is normal to assume you can get a lift with your mum if she's only driving one other person surely?!

JenniferBarkley · 14/07/2023 08:41

Really need to know about the car Grin If it's full of stuff, would you not have cleared some before travelling in case the three of you needed to fit while there? To give her a lift to the train or all go for brunch or shopping or whatever.

TommyNever · 14/07/2023 08:42

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2023 06:59

Yes, what was in the car?

Maybe just a cat.

Dd grumpy at me but I think her lack of communication is to blame.
JaniceBattersby · 14/07/2023 08:42

If it’s a two seater car then YANBU. If it’s a five-seater but you just had shite all over the place then YABU.

Foxblue · 14/07/2023 08:42

Im just amused you would you fork out for a hotel when she would still be getting the train back the next day - so you've spent minimum of £80 as opposed to her getting a max £20 uber back from the station? She's an adult -I'm not saying you shouldn't do nice things but to feel guilt tripped into dropping that money when objectively this situation was easily resolved by her just... getting the train back is weird. Her getting the train back for 1am was fine when you made the original arrangements, so it's quite impressive she's guilt tripped you into it seeming like it's a problem now?

Heurgh · 14/07/2023 08:45

We have a family car and my reminder of my youth MX5 which I drive in the summer, whenever I can. July is classic 'get the impractical car out while it's not raining' season.

MorrisZapp · 14/07/2023 08:48

Fascinated by the travel arrangements. Please come back OP.

Honeychickpea · 14/07/2023 09:03

25 may be an adult bit we all revert to children with out parents
We don't all do that. Some of us grow out of expecting our parents to be at our beck and call when we are adults.

Lobelia123 · 14/07/2023 09:05

She sounds like a right madam - behaving like the most important person in the room, demanding you all dance around her, and now giving you the silent treatment/sulks as punicshment for not being able to foresee her wishes and plans with zero notice....and then you not only pander to her and put her up in a hotel, but sit here mizzing on about whether she'll hold a grudge?? You are the architect of your own misery. Give her a sharp reality check and tell her to take responsibility for herself, stop being a diva and making things unpleasant for her sister. And stop letting her treat you like dirt!

Twyford · 14/07/2023 09:26

LemonsOnTheMelons · 14/07/2023 02:32

I think it’s reasonable to expect your parents to give you a lift back to your childhood home without notice tbh. You’re her parents, not randomers.

Why on Earth couldn’t you have fit her in the car?

Why? Why even assume your parents have a bed for you if you don't give them any notice? Once you leave home, people are entitled to arrange their own lives on the assumption that you'll behave like a normally sensible and considerate human being.

LobsterCrab · 14/07/2023 09:30

I can't vote until OP explains why there wasn't room in the car. If you drive a 2-seater surely DD1 would know this?

Bellaboo01 · 14/07/2023 09:35

BarbiewhupsSindy · 14/07/2023 01:38

Dd2 and I joined DD1 for long awaited fantastic concert tonight.

Let's say DD2 and I live in Bristol (she's 19 on a gap year, lives at home). DD1 let's say lives in Birmingham - 25, lived there since she finished University, very settled in her own flat, good job, just returns home occasionally for the odd night.

We liaised tonight at a music concert in Oxford.

I drove DD2 up there, DD1 hopped on the train and met us there, we had lovely supper and concert, finished the concert and went to say our goodbyes, when DD1 dropped the bombshell that she'd decided to come home with us for the night, and she'd WFH (our home) and then catch the train back tomorrow evening.

Well all good, and dandy, except I didn't have space for her in the car 😭.

She didn't want to get the late train back as it would involve an hour wait and then a 15 minute walk at approx 1am through the city, or an uber.

So I arranged for a late check in at a hotel in Oxford for her because I felt guilty that I couldn't accommodate her wishes.

She went off in a snit muttering about wanting to spend time with her younger siblings and pets, see her childhood friend, and I've prevented that by not being able to get her back to Bristol.

She has form for holding a grudge, so I'm wondering how long this wobbly will last.

YABU you should have anticipated her prodigal return.

YANBU she should have communicated with you that she'd be returned to Bristol after the concert.

😬

Why was it a 'bombshell' that she fancied coming back to her home and see the rest of her family.

Is your car a two-seater? If this is the case then i am sure she knew this and realised you can't fit 3 people into a 2 seater? If not, what was preventing you being able to fit her into your car?

Twyford · 14/07/2023 09:38

Why was it a 'bombshell' that she fancied coming back to her home and see the rest of her family.

Communicating that decision late at night on the night you expect to be accommodated is a bit of a bombshell, isn't it? How does she necessarily know that a bed is available or that there will be facilities for her to WFH the following day?