Dd grumpy at me but I think her lack of communication is to blame.

[BarbiewhupsSindy]

Dd2 and I joined DD1 for long awaited fantastic concert tonight.

Let's say DD2 and I live in Bristol (she's 19 on a gap year, lives at home). DD1 let's say lives in Birmingham - 25, lived there since she finished University, very settled in her own flat, good job, just returns home occasionally for the odd night.

We liaised tonight at a music concert in Oxford.

I drove DD2 up there, DD1 hopped on the train and met us there, we had lovely supper and concert, finished the concert and went to say our goodbyes, when DD1 dropped the bombshell that she'd decided to come home with us for the night, and she'd WFH (our home) and then catch the train back tomorrow evening.

Well all good, and dandy, except I didn't have space for her in the car 😭.

She didn't want to get the late train back as it would involve an hour wait and then a 15 minute walk at approx 1am through the city, or an uber.

So I arranged for a late check in at a hotel in Oxford for her because I felt guilty that I couldn't accommodate her wishes.

She went off in a snit muttering about wanting to spend time with her younger siblings and pets, see her childhood friend, and I've prevented that by not being able to get her back to Bristol.

She has form for holding a grudge, so I'm wondering how long this wobbly will last.

YABU you should have anticipated her prodigal return.

YANBU she should have communicated with you that she'd be returned to Bristol after the concert.

😬

Maybe because she knows her family? I know that there is always a bed for me in my parents home. 1. Because they have told me and 2. Because I've seen it.
Not all parents disown their adult kids as soon as they move out.

Not really relevant but I can’t imagine just deciding at the last minute to go and stay at someone else’s house for the night unless I knew I had a tooth brush and some clean underwear in my handbag 😂

And how was she planning on WFH at her
mum’s house?! Surely all her work laptop, files, books or whatever would be at her own home? I’m assuming she can’t just log on to her ‘job’ from any random computer that may be floating around at her mum’s house?

It all sounds odd.

But I still really, really want to know why she couldn’t fit in the car 😂

Yeah depends on the car really, 2 seater then obviously YWNBU but anything else then I'm sure stuff could be moved, held on laps etc. to accommodate her

Obviously this. What a weird situation. At 25, meeting my mum & sister who were driving, I’d have assumed I could get a lift back with them too, in their regular sized car. If it turned out my mum had - unbeknownst to me - recently swapped her car for a Smart car, I wouldn’t have expected my mum to pay for a hotel, nor would I have accepted. Weird all round.

I guess kids always think their parents house is theirs and there's always space for them I til they get their own house and get married themselves.

She should have communicated it better 100% but I feel for her because it must've been such a letdown being told she wouldn't fit!

Taking you not being able to fit her in the car at face value, though I too am curious...
I'd have offered to give her a lift from the station after I'd dropped off other daughter so she didn't need to walk/uber at 1am. But no, you're not being at all unreasonable.

Although she may have thought it would be a nice surprise for you, so up until the point she refused to get a train and had a flounce I don't really think she was being unreasonable either. (Unless of course you actually could have fit her in the car but you were just making a petty point about communication in which case you're the unreasonable one)

I think the car must've been stuffed full of things. Rather than it being a 2 seater.

Anyway it'll be a lesson learned for the daughter to communicate properly in the future

As long as she has her phone my dd can use any computer to work from home. She doesn't need work specific software . However she does need to let me know in advance otherwise I need the same computer.

My dc are always welcome but it's courtesy to let people know in advance if only to get food in etc

Yabu. You excluded dd2 from family life. Yes prior notice would have helped.

I wondered about the laptop too!

Yes it would have allowed the DD to come home. But since she didn't mention it, what was OP actually meant to do?!

I mean, she should have told you she wanted to stay over if it was that important to her.

However, unless your car is a two-seater (which I assume it isn't, or DD1 would already have known that there wouldn't be a seat for a second passenger) what on earth have you got in there that you couldn't shift over to clear a space on the back seat?

I’m assuming she can’t just log on to her ‘job’ from any random computer that may be floating around at her mum’s house?

Lots of workplaces use systems that can be accessed remotely on any computer that's connected to the internet. You just log on and connect to your employer's network online. My employer provides laptops, but we can also log in from other computers if we need to.

Hullo sorry for not replying till now, was an exhausting day yesterday and I've just finished school run etc.

Yes I was in our 2 seater 😂 no way could she have crammed in.

We've had a 2 seater for a couple of years now, and DH and I plan together as to who needs the bigger car and who can cope with the more limited car on a individual journey basis.

Last night I only had to account for one other person (or do I thought) so it made sense for me to take the smaller car.

DD1 knows the situation but I guess as she's away from the daily logistical decisions she didn't plot the transport arrangements into her thinking.

She's arranged on Tuesday to meet childhood friend this evening for a drink, but didn't tell me, otherwise obviously I would have driven the larger car.

The answer other points

She still has her room here left as she likes it, made up so she can pop home very welcomed any time.

She had brought a few items for overnight with her in her laptop bag, which she always has with her. Nothing unusual about her having a bag big enough for overnight with her she carries her laptop everywhere she goes so she can work/surf on trains etc.

She can work from anywhere, secure vpn stuff like that I don't even know, she works in tech, she's got it sorted.

She does sometimes get overwhelmed when plans get scuppered so I think she just over reacted when she realised her vision of the night wasn't as predicted.

Couldn't have had a nice drink after the show and waited for the train as it was 11pm and nowhere really for that.

I'm not sure if I've missed anything. Happy to answer any further points.

If she knows you have a two-seater car, she's at fault for not asking you to bring the bigger one if she was expecting to come home with you. Obviously.

No it wasn't a spur of the moment familial sentiment that made her decide to head home, she'd already planned to come back a couple of days before. She just hasn't communicated it, I guess as she knows she's always welcome, so why tell us would have been her thought process.

That's exactly it! So simple. But I guess when you're so familiar with someone, you know you're welcome, there's no need.

She probably thought "oh what a nice surprise for mom, she'll be chuffed" without thinking of the logistics.🥲

Ok, if she knew you might be driving a two seater then yes, she should have contacted you sooner to ask you to take the bigger car.

I think she could well be upset that you didn’t anticipate that she might want to come back with you. Or rather, that you bringing the small car signalled that you didn’t want her to come back as you literally made it impossible.

Really not a caught in the moment situation.

Why is my reaction cold? That's a very odd and cruel statement.

Given your update that you say she's welcome back at any time yes she was wrong not to communicate that was her intention but if I were you I would have asked what her plans were after the concert with the knowledge that it's quite likely she would have wanted to come back.

Obviously all you can do is reiterate that she needs to be clearer next time to avoid things like this happening again.

That's exactly it!

But no not B&S, but they're on my 🎵bucket list!

Oh shut up, that's some reaching you're doing there! OP didn't know she wanted to come back, otherwise she would have taken the bigger car.

Yes she should have told you but it doesn't look like either of you are very good at communicating when you didn't mention in your very long OP that your car is a two seater, leading to many, many speculative posts.