To think DHs actions have (big) consequences?

[AppelationStation]

Married for 8 years, together for 11. 1ds, 7. We relocated from London to DHs v rural home village when DS was tiny.

DH has life almost exactly the way he wants it. Back in his place of birth, surrounded by familiarity and what he holds dear. Parents and old friends just up the road. Does his dream job, which earns bugger all but makes him happy. Physically demanding and early starts (leaves at 7.15am) but 0 stress. Doesn't go out much admittedly (nowhere to go nearby to be fair), but meets up with friends a few times a month, usually involving staying over at a friends house (no public transport so a couple of pints means can't get home). Goes on weekends away walking with old school mates 3 or 4 times a year. Does minimal housework / life admin / mental load when nagged but does do laundry and occasionally cleans when asked. He's gentle, polite, but also not particularly affectionate or emotionally articulate.

I work 40+ hours a week in a rewarding but highly stressful job. I earn a third of his wage again, but vol sector so still not big bucks. I do all the life admin, school runs, arranging appointments for us all + dog, almost 100% of cooking, organising childcare for summer hols, yada yada. I live hundreds of miles from family and old friend. I've actively tried to make new friends but rurality / young child / pandemic / work makes it hard. Life feels pretty thankless and joyless sometimes (accepting DS, who is a delight).

We are about to go away on our first foreign holiday in 8 years. I've paid for it, organised it. We're touring France in our van so quite a lot of organising - not a straight forward package hol. DH has been doing up the camper, slowly, for months. Peaks of activity when I've pushed but otherwise slow progress. He finished the "fun" bits last month so I've been doing all the details - finishing off woodwork, sanding, priming, painting, curtains, bedding. I've been getting up at 6.30, walking the dog, doing the school run, working all day and doing the van all evening until 11pm.

The other day I did this for the fourth day on the trot. He had had the day off (felt rough) and cooked that night. When I got in from working outside the dishes were waiting for me. I raised an eyebrow. "I cooked. You do the dishes. That's the rule". It's true, he refuses to have a dishwasher so, after I pick DS up, come in and cook, he usually does the dishes.

Today I discovered that van (his van, in his name, he uses for work. I have my own car for work) has had no MOT since April. He forgot. That's illegal. His work isn't office based so who had to organise an emergency MOT? You guessed it. He has decided, against my strongly expressed wishes, to keep driving it for the few days in the meantime. Irresponsible, selfish (criminal) arse.

He has decided to go away this weekend with his mates. We leave for our supposed family holiday (assuming the van passes its MOT) a week tomorrow. I now have to work, finish the van and look after DS single handed over the weekend, and prepare for our holiday. At the same time, my work is reaching its apex in getting a project off the ground. I have three new staff starting the week after we get back. It feels like a lot.

I politely, and then slightly less politely, articulated this. I said I'm already holding a lot, and DH being absent the weekend before we go away when there's so much to do is unfair and unhelpful. I've been told I'm being dramatic, he doesn't see the problem and its "not that hard".

He also said "I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time", and I need to "find someone else to offload to who has the energy to care".

Fine. It feels like a slap in the face and the last straw. I'd quite like to go on holiday without him now tbh. Am I being unreasonable to think I can find someone who "cares" about me, my life, all of this, but that might have consequences for our marriage?

And how the hell do I get through this long awaited, hard worked for "holiday"?

Yes he sounds like a selfish dickhead, especially the response to you.

I think what you need to work out though is how you got here and what you intend to do about it. Did you want to move? Did you want the dog? If not how did these things come to happen? Stop prioritising him and his needs and think about what you want and how to get there.

In the long term, think about your own position. Keep your job, you need your financial independence. But try to even the balance up at home- so if he gets a few weekend days and overnights to himself you should too. Make a list of jobs you do (mental and physical) and ask him to discuss dividing them more fairly- he can’t even pull the “I earn the family wage” so it’s not fair that the life admin falls on you. Don’t take things on assuming that he’ll “do stuff”- he won’t. For example why did you book the holiday which involved having to renovate a van- would a few days in Scotland or Devon in a house not have been easier? I’m not being wise after the event but I think “will this mean more work for me” needs to be at the top of your list of questions when you decide whether to do something.

In the long term I think you need to work out whether this is the life for you- sorry but my money would be on him not changing much as he’s got his life how he wants it. It might be worth a trial separation but the big question really is whether you can live with/ manage this or whether you’d be happier on your own (as a Co-parent) for a bit. You don’t sound happy at all at the moment.

Also with immediate effect stop giving him access to your money. You make the decisions now. If that means you have to redirect you salary into a new account do it. Take control

I think you should go on this holiday and use it as an opportunity to have some big hard talks as another poster suggests. He needs to understand the extent of what you do, maybe write it out as you did in your post. And you need to also write or make clear your "non negotiable items". Such as, DS gets a new school uniform every year out of joint funds. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's stupid or wasteful, these are things that you want. He can write his own list if he wants and then you discuss and agree the final list.

On the van front, what needs doing before the holiday ? Because it strikes me that you are the backup for everything that needs doing. So leave it. Don't do anything on it this weekend and then have him come home and see what he does? Don't be the one that makes everything right, just close your eyes and see if he steps up. If he does great and if he doesn't then maybe he can use his savings to pay for alternatives!

Also with immediate effect stop giving him access to your money. You make the decisions now. If that means you have to redirect you salary into a new account do it.

Do this , OP. There is no apparent reason why he should be the one to control the savings made with your money and refuse you access to it.

If he complains then you have your answer all ready for him... "I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time, find someone else to offload to who has the energy to care".

This is such a perfect summary of how it works @Beenhereforever1978 . I feel like the OP has described me almost down to the letter in so many ways. Most women don't consciously sign up for this crap. For me I didn't really realise I'd let myself get in this situation until I looked back and realised I had fewer palatable options for getting out!

This. Do it now. He has his own account with all his money that you aren't allowed to access.
You need to secure yours in your own name immediately.

I'm furious on your behalf!
Go away with your DS in the camper and have a long think about how he enriches your life
Would you notice if he wasn't there? You'd have the same workload but no resentment

He lives the life of Riley, a couple of nights a month out boozing, stays out because , ‘ya know I’ll be over the limit to drive’. What’s wrong with getting taxi home? 3/4 weekends away with his mates.
Low stress job that pays little, does no life admin or contribute to the running of the household, too bloody lazy to get his work van MOT, willing to risk having it crushed if he’s caught driving it without MOT or insurance…insurance invalid without MOT by the way. No van, no work… consequences indeed.
He IS capable he’s proved it , organising his weekend jollies, his nights out with his boozing pals.
Just stop, stop doing so much.
Take this this weekend, while he’s away with his ever so ‘caring mates’ as the golden opportunity to buy a bloody dishwasher for a start. (My DH never wanted one until I bought one and now it’s the best thing ever.)
Take your son on holiday in the camper, on your own, then take stock of your life.

Have you read the entire thread? How can she do those things (buy a dishwasher and book a holiday) when she doesn't have access to all the money that's coming in?

Op- this is the first step: recognising that it's not ok and needs to change.

I had one of these (luckily not married/children together). Also lived very rurally/near family and absolutely not prepared to compromise on his easy life. I had put my house in home city on the market (had been rented out) and tried to discuss a few things that concerned me. His reaction: 'I don't respond well to ultimatums' (I hadn't given any).

So I got a great new job in my home city and had moved back within 2 months. Only told him after handing in notice on current job on basis that he was not interested in my concerns so I wasn't going to share them. Best decision ever.

Good luck.

Now there is an excellent idea.

You're a calmer person than me. How you've put up with this shit for so long is beyond me.

The problem is, even if OP gets her own account for her wage to be paid into (which she should), it's not going to make a difference if his "savings" are actually just the money he refuses to contribute to the joint bills and spending.

Men like this are not just mean with money, they're sneaky about hoarding their own. I would bet a penny to the pound that her money gets paid into the joint account which then happens to be used for the mortgage, bills, groceries etc, but his gets paid into his own account and he grudgingly transfers small amounts when OP has "been a spendthrift" i.e. bought essential items for the household.

This.

Housemaid is exactly it. Sadly, I see this all the time with friends of mine. They are like unpaid servants in their own homes, with partner and kids taking them completely for granted. I honestly don't understand how or why they do it.

Another awful consequence of this is that even those of us who are happily single have to put up with this entitled behaviour - in our workplaces (in sometimes quite subtle ways) and just from general encounters with these fuckers in other walks of life.

Imagine how much better your and your ds lives will be when you LTB.

He's not gentle or polite. LTB

By Christ, you are a Saint not to have left him then and there after he said he: "doesn't have the energy to listen to your needs".

He sounds like an over-indulged baby. I don't think he will improve - too much to change and not emotionally literacy to change it.

At the very least op don’t do anything on the van this weekend. Go away yourself with ds. Go visit a friend.

Something tells me that no amount of reasonable discussion is going to improve this situation.

OP, you have no choice but to go your own way. Even if he agreed to your conditions, how long do you think it will take before you are having to do all the work to enable him to do so? In other words, he may say he is going to change but I can't see such a radical upheaval occurring for him because it doesn't serve his need for an easy life - which you have unwittingly helped to make possible.

Your biggest obstacle to leaving him (and I'm just going to assume it's obvious to you that you should, and that your life would be better for it) is your dc. A family break up is going to be very tough for a child.

But it's the right call, despite that. If you stay, you are going to become increasingly bitter and resentful, and your confidence will nosedive, and that misery will permeate your dc's life.

So I'd say: take all of that amazing energy you have, that ambition, and apply it to creating a new life for yourself and dc. You'll need to work out where you want to/need to live. What is possible. You will need to quietly consult a solicitor and talk through the many issues. Do it: find a solicitor, start talking this through.

Duck protocol - love that

If you are contributing to the savings, which i suspect you are, you should most definitely "have sight" of them. They should be in joint names, but as a minimum you should have easy access to knowing what is in there and what it is earmarked for.

He also said "I dont have the energy to listen to your needs all the time"

"I don't have the energy to carry your mental load and do all the life admin because you are too lazy to do it"

Am I the only one who thinks he has no intention of going on the holiday but gets a lot of pleasure watching his wife do up his van while he plans his next jolly on family money and even makes her do the dishes when she is at breaking point?

He is one cruel bastard.

Of course DS loves his dad, but he is setting him an awful example. It is not good for DS to be growing up in a household where you are being emotionally and financially abused.

OP you are very good with money. He is stealing yours. He’s making you feel incompetent with money - that’s part of the abuse.

I’m really sorry finally waking up to all this is so painful. You are stronger than you think💐

@AppelationStation - In relation to your post at 23:23, I would say the following:

1. What you see as being fiscally tight or a saver, many might see as being financially abusive.
2. You say your son is besotted with him. It's very easy to be besotted by the typical "Disney" fun Dad.
3. I am reading between the lines here and think that you don't love him any more. I'd even be so bold as to say I don't think that you even really like him any more.

You would be better off, in my opinion, splitting up. At least then your son would, over time become more aware that his dad is a Disney dad and you would get time to yourself, in the same way that your husband currently gets.

If you can, I'd go on the holiday in your car and forget about trying to bring the van.

Oh, and I think the title is a smidge incorrect. It's your husband's inactions rather than his actions that will have big consequences.