Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

There’s a difference between wanting equality and wanting to come first. I never said I would want to come first.

Afraid I have a HORRIFIC relationship with my MIL, so you may not find my perspective helpful....

I think of you want to have equal access to GC, you need to think about how you treat your DIL well in advance of GC turning up. Plan on having a good relationship and work to maintain that so that your DIL is comfortable having you around when she feels vulnerable.

My MIL was ALWAYS difficult. My DH is quite understanding of the fact that she is generally a very difficult person who tends to isolate herself because she is rude and aggresive. It did become more complicated once we had children because she became jealous of my parents and the relationship they had with grandchildren. But I couldn't/can't bear to be around her for long. Don't be that MIL!

I have 2 DD and 2 DS. Hope to be able to take my own advice!

I think it depends on the relationship before children enter the picture and what happens after.

I get on with my in-laws but we had a polite relationship in the beginning and little interest in me until I was pregnant so was surprising having them staying with us days after going through a traumatic birth. I was with them alone for the first time since DH and I had been together (almost 5 years at the time). It was extremely awkward since they had never visited us or talked about doing so (we always visited them) and trying to establish nursing, recover from an em-cs and trauma, bleeding heavily and not having free reign of my own home (especially the loo since we only had one). They were purely there to see baby. I’ll give credit to FIL for asking how I was while MIL only asked about the baby. MIL did respect boundaries when it came to how I took care of our children, BUT there were issues and DH sorted her out. She made unnecessary jokes about me still struggling with birth trauma, was pushing for us to have our boys christened but never mentioned it to me only talked to DH about it both times. She would over exaggerate about DH not being able to handle our sons (his siblings and the other children were with them so they were all watching the children together) when I went out alone for a few hours knowing that DH and I don’t have any familial support and I was a SAHP so rarely alone. Yet, didn’t mind offering help to other SIL and watching her children from time to time. She constantly will say she remembers being in the same position as me but her children say that’s a lie and she had lots of familial help from her mother and sisters. There was an obvious difference in the way she treated my other SIL to me but I kept it to myself not wanting to rock the boat and DH soon saw it too and pulled back a bit.

I tried to please her, learned more about her life than she ever asked or learned about mine, knew her likes and dislikes and bought birthday presents and gifts according to those, did the hosting before I simply left the majority of it to DH to sort. I was done putting in the effort with little return and still being treated differently. I had hoped that I would have a MIL that I would become close to since my own mum and I had never been close (still aren’t, but much better after children), but that didn’t happen and that’s ok. The cordial relationship we do have is enough.

this. people need to lower their expectations for their dil. if you can't woo her over as your best friend, expect to only be treated as a cousin that she only saw once a year growing up. being adored by your dil isn't your birthright.

I used to like my MIL until I had children.
Then I realised how selfish she was.
she has never babysat our children once, but now babysits her other grandchildren almost every weekend. There is literally no reason for her to single us out the way she does. I’ve always been a good daughter in law, given her lifts, taken her to appointments, dog sat for her, been on the end of the phone when she’s been crying. She just prefers her other grandchildren and is a bit odd.

that doesn't make it true, it just some grand-parents sulking and trying to punish one side of the family because they didn't get their way at the birth.

That must do wonder to improve the relationships 🙄

WHY do you even want to be involved and force your way to someone who is not your daughter, who you are not related to, when they are in and just out of hospital exactly?

Normal people who don't thrown tantrums like a toddler bond even if they were not involved full time from the start. Ask adoptive parents, ask mothers who have been hospitalised and missed the first weeks of their babies, ask dads deployed overseas who couldn't come back.

Can you imagine if they were closer to the children they were with at birth than the child they missed out on?

"It isnt up to daughter-in-law to facilitate a relationship between grandchild and grandparent "

Actually, I think it is. It's the responsibility of both parents to facilitate children's relationships with the whole wider family- because it's good for the children. I had very little in common with my MIL. We were very different women. We were cordial to each other-not much more. I didn't need another mother and she didn't need another daughter. Her primary relationship was with her son and her grandchildren, and we were happy to facilitate that. Because it was good for all of them.

I feel extremely sorry for the MiL of some of the posters on these threads. The spite, power play, control and downright unpleasant agism I see from some DiLs on here is quite staggering at times.
However, there's no need to pity us all. I and my friends have lovely DiLs who treat us like human beings who love and are loved by their partners and children, and them too.
They forgive us our errors, they don't see our support as interference and they respect our rights to have our own lives, appreciating the help we give them without entitlement. None of us have had withdrawal of contact with our GC used as a threat, and none of them have enlisted the help of our sons and daughters to help them 'call us out' for minor lapses of tact. I'm delighted to say the witch hunt culture I see on here is not reflected in my life. Our sons and daughters chose well and we're grateful for that.

I've been a MIL for nearly a year. I think it will be some.time before dil and ds have children.

If they do have dc, I think I believe it's her mother's perogative to see the baby first, to be the supporter at home for the first few days when midwives are in and out. I expect my visit to be brief and to take lunch and things for the fridge, anything to make life easier. It will never be up to me to give an opinion about feeding or dressing the baby, etc. They'll be given money for one of the big purchases - pram/cot but they are grown ups and can chose what they want. As they can chose their house, furniture, schools, etc. I would only weigh in if there were significant issues and become addicted or very ill and/or a child was at risk.

If they move 100's of miles away, DH and I will stay at an hotel and keep our visits brief. I have no wish to get involved with childcare on a formal basis but would help in emergencies.

We have a home abroad and spend at least every August there. The DC come and go when we are there and it would be nice to have ds/dil, dd/bf and over time grandchildren there but I suspect being all together for more than 3/4 days could be a little wearing. DS and BF were at school together - different years but shall I say don't have the fondest recollections of each other. Alpha/Beta and all that.

You just have to go with the flow re the hands you are dealt.

Wow! You are exactly the type of DIL whose posts make me feel so sad for MIL’s.

No I don’t plan to lay down the law, but I am hopeful that there isn’t a huge gap between maternal and paternal GP’s relationship with potential GC.

@AngeloMysterioso explained it much better than I did, but as a Mother to all boys, we are expected to just have a back seat.

I also disagree, a grandparent is a vital member of the child’s family (provided they are stable and good people in general).
I have many fond memories of mine.

Lastly, to comment on your final paragraph, I think respect should be shown all round. Yes the in-laws should show the Mother respect, but in a functional family, shouldn’t this go both ways?

but why do you expect equality?

And when do you think you become magically equal with the other grandparents? At the time the couple first kiss, on the day of their wedding, on the day the baby is born?

You build a relationship, you don't claim rights because you decide you have rights on someone's baby.

I prefer my MIL to my own mother!
I get on with my mum fine and she's done a lot for me over the years but some times she just can't be nice.
Only this morning for example I said about my primary age son's summer fayre at school this week. She asked if we were going I said yes but not for to long as it's apparently going to be pricy. She asked how did I know that, I told her that his teacher - who I've know for over 10 years and have a great relationship with - said being at least £20. My mum called me a liar. Literally straight out said I'm lying a teacher wouldn't say that.
My mother in law is always happy to see me, hear from me and to spend time with us.

My MIL has her moments of absolute madness and feeling like she has final say on everything/drop everything to her will and then has moments of being amazing and lovely but it's very hard to balance

She does get very jealous of any time with my own mother. Has three sons and has always said to me (even before having dc) that she longed for a girl because girls are closer to their mums. I always felt before like she wanted to make me be like a fill in daughter for her

I now feel guilty for any time spent with my own mother because she makes a huge deal about it and I'm bitter because I don't want to feel that way about my own mother?

She works away most of the year and doesn't tell us when she's home until the last minute so if we have something planned that weekend then we are 'being difficult' and not letting her see dc.
Desperately wants sleepovers and alone time with dc as well and I have never felt comfortable with that. We don't have space for her to stay at ours (she basically wants us to go out so she can have house and dc to herself) and her own house when home is over an hours drive away and I wasn't happy with young dc being that far away with someone she doesn't see often.

Ultimately I'm always the bad one either way. DP puts his foot down and has his say and then it gets turned round to it being my fault. It's left a very sour taste with me so I'm low contact with her now and only really speak when I have to and leave all comms to DP

Wow! You are exactly the type of DIL whose posts make me feel so sad for MIL’s.
Nonsense. I am a mother in law.

@MrsPPP you only take a backseat if your son puts you there. It's not DIL's job to adopt you as her mother. It's your son's job to nurture your relationship, to reach out for advice and for a chat, you are HIS mother. It doesn't make you second best. Yes, you may not be in the delivery room coaching your DIL through birth, but if your son is considerate and close to you, and he's an involved father, you won't be "second best" as he'll reach out to you.

Why shouldn’t I expect equality? Would I not be a grandmother, the same way a DIL’s mum would be a grandmother? Are we not starting off on the same base level? Or do you believe that a daughter’s mother is just always a rank higher than a son’s no matter what?

My ex MIL was an fucking arsehole. She actually smacked my DDs hand at about 16 months old for pulling her earring/hair can't remember which one. But she was also a shit mum to her only son and a vile over opinionated stuck up (rich by inheritance) bitch. I wasn't at all sad when she passed.
My current MIL is polar opposite and I absolutely adore her ❤️

I love my in-laws. They are my family.
I am also very close to my own family. It's natural for me to want to be around my own parents/brother over my in-laws. That said, I was adamant that I wanted my IL's to be as involved in my DS's life as my own family. Obviously my IL's annoy me at times, in the same way my own family annoy me. I also had to get used to a whole new set of expectations and feelings, a whole new perspective on things. At times it felt like sticking their nose in, but I am delighted that I have such a strong network around me. I know DS is loved from many, many different people.

again, you are making it all about YOU and you are one of these MIL from hell.

How can you start off on the same base level when one is the MOTHER and had a mother-daughter relationship for 20 or 30 years,

and you have met her a few times a year for what 5 years, sometimes 10? Even if you have diner once a week together, how on earth do you pretend to have the same level?

a daughter’s mother is just always a rank higher than a son’s no matter what?
It's not about RANK, you sound like a petulant toddler. It's about closeness and intimacy. I don't believe for a second you have the same relationship with your own daughter as you have with your daughter-in-law, but are you trying to be close to your son?

You sound like an absolute nightmare.

I don’t think all family members are equal, no, especially when it comes to visiting a woman who has just given birth, which is when issues seem to be triggered

The woman yes, but not the baby

I have a friend who is devastated that her son has married someone who has no interest in the in-laws and gets to say when visits happen and in what spirit they happen. Son gormlessly goes along with it despite his mother’s distress at effectively losing a son she’s spent her life doting over. She is generous, caring and has made numerous efforts to build a relationship with the DIL and is stonewalled every time.

This is not a unique story. It happens a lot in families. Hence the old adage ‘a son’s a son…’

I think what DILs interpret as controlling and interfering is actually just a mother trying to still be relevant and included in her son’s life. Clearly this can get heavy handed and aggressive which is when we hear the term toxic MIL.

I think if DILs used this to their advantage rather than see it as a threat, it would be a win/win. Ask for favours, babysitting, deliberate invites (but on your terms) and regular texts, MILs would feel included and be able to have the bragging rights “oh DIL sent us a lovely photo of Sam’s first swimming lesson” “DIL has asked us to have the grandchildren on Friday…” “son and his wife are doing a bbq for us on Sunday” etc etc and the pay off is that DILs could ‘manage’ the contact and be in control of when and where it happens (and get a free Friday night now and then).

Ok, let’s fast forward to when my son and his hypothetical partner have a child.

He works full time and gets a few weeks pat leave. His wife wants her mum there at the birth and to stay with them for a few weeks afterwards but doesn’t want anyone else to stay longer than an hour for the first month. Then she has a year’s mat leave and drops down to part time when she goes back to work. She takes the DC to visit her Mum & Dad once a week. Weekends are family time so visits with DH and I are considerably less frequent, and because DS works during the week he can’t facilitate more visits as he apparently should be doing. Then when it comes to longer stays/babysitting/overnights well DILs parents are naturally the first choice because they’ve already spent more time with the GC and have a closer relationship. And so DH and I will just always be second best, not as close, not as involved with our grandchildren.

This appears to be the fate of most people not lucky enough to have daughters. It’s not even a far fetched scenario, you see it discussed on here all the time.

It depends on the MIL.
Mine came down from Wales, saw my two nieces and then went back up without seeing my kids.
The reason? She was in a mood with myself and my partner, so decided to punish the kids for it.

We (partner and I) couldn't care less if we saw her or not, but if my kids knew she had been down and not seen them they would be heartbroken.

As a result, I don't like her. We had a good relationship before then. She made her bed.

I think it's a relationship that has the potential to be problematic because generally the MIL has trouble accepting their child's partner as an equal family member. They still want to be their child's number one. If the MIL makes the effort with the partner and recognises the relationship is paramount over their own relationship with their child there's usually no problem. That can be hard though.
It's a bit like being friends with your partner's ex, or your ex's new partner. They may be a lovely person but there's a need to recognise which relationship is the priority which can be really hard and cause jealousy.

Also, I met my partner when I was nearly 40 (him a bit younger)

His parents are nice enough but his mum is only 12/13 years older than me and same age as sone of my friends..

And we have little in common beyond my partner.

So we are polite, exchange likes on Facebook but that's it. Luckily no grand kids involved. I am never going to have a relationship with her where she is treated like my mum, and she does act motherly towards me at times which is odd.