Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

Are DH’s family not equal?
I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children

Already, you're showing attitudes that will lead to friction.

In the first - demands/expectations. 'Equality'? You haven't even got a daughter in law and you're expecting equal time/attention/commitment as her parents!

'I hope that any future dil of mine will accept...' You hope she'll accept? You're going to lay down the law on this, are you?

'Surely better for the children...' No, you're wrong. A happy mother is best for the children. Grandparents are peripheral, extras, nice if it works, no loss if it doesn't.

If you're going to be a happy, beloved mother in law and grandmother in due course, you need to take this on board.

It's not about you, and what you want.
Treat your daughters in law with kindness, and respect. Follow their lead. If your opinion is not requested, don't give it. Accept that their ways might be different from yours, and support them in doing it their way.

Well that’s putting a whole bunch of words in my mouth that I never said

My MIL is a good person and loves her children and grandchildren, she also treated me terribly after I gave birth. 10 years on our relationship (although perfectly civil) has never really recovered.

I was a young and vulnerable new mum and my feelings were trampled over. Her only interest was her new grandchild and proving that she was just as needed and wanted by my newborn baby as I was. Baby would be perfectly fine without me, I wasn't necessary if she was there. My needs and wants were irrelevant.

I definitely learned a thing or two about what not to do. I generally think if you behave like a normal person, value your relationship with DIL and respect her relationship with your child and their baby, you'll be fine!

Totally agree with this. My brother and his wife and children used to see more of my parents than my children and I did. SIL’s parents are local, too.

I think this thread shows how women are the default parent and the grandchild access is just a natural consequence of that.

It isnt up to daughter-in-law to facilitate a relationship between grandchild and grandparent and i agree I see my mum for me, not just so she see the kids. but the flip side is how is a son supposed to do that if he is working full time and the mum is on mat leave or working part time around the children so has a bit more time to pop to their mums. lots wouldnt be happy with the son/husband saying he wanted to spend every sunday morning at his folks because he only has the weekend to facilitate things and dil got to see her mum wednesday. lot of people view weekends as time for nuclear families to be together. If both work full time who wants to have a rota of granny A one week and Granny B the week after. Its like christmas day stress every weekend!

I get on with my DsIL but I wouldn't say we are close. We don't argue and maybe that is an indication that we aren't close as I do have disagreements with my own DD and we are very close.

I love all my GC but I am definitely closer to DDs, sorry if that offends anyone but I spent lots of time with DDs children in the first days and weeks, I had visits with my sons' children which isn't the same. I'm pretty sure all mums with new babies will talk about bonding, well surprise surprise it applies to grandparents as well and I am more bonded to the children I sat up at night with, walked the floor with, changed dirty nappies for. It has changed with the older GC as they make their own choices and spend lots of time with me, mum drops them off if they want to come and doesn't even speak to me. Her choice and I do get a wave from the car.

They all come to stay, I do lots of childcare for all of them, I make sure Christmas and birthday presents are fair but I can't change how I feel. Eldest GC asked the younger ones who they thought was my favourite, they all came up with a different choice so I reckon they don't know that I feel more bonded to DDs children and they had fun arguing for their choice so I don't think there is any trauma there.

After 20 years, I have what I would describe as a ‘cordial’ relationship with mine. We started out thick as thieves and I adored her for years. I would tell her everything and was always dragging DP over to her house any chance we got for a catch up. Then, a few years in, it all changed. She started doing and saying some really unpleasant things to me which hurt me terribly. I chose not to challenge her and instead backed off and now keep my distance to avoid getting hurt further. I’m always polite and helpful when I see her but I don’t go out of my way to help her/support her like I used to.

She’s never spoken to me about why we are no longer close which makes me think I couldn’t have meant as much to her as I thought. I don’t believe all the things that have happened are because she is my MIL. I believe she is just who she is and we don’t get along because we see the world with different eyes.

Her only interest was her new grandchild and proving that she was just as needed and wanted by my newborn baby as I was.

This is exactly how I felt. It’s not even about the baby in my opinion, just one big ego trip proving they’re still the family boss.

My mil was lovely she passed 6 years ago not a day go by I don't miss her. My mother passed 8 years ago abd it's honestly rate I miss her.

Good mils are out there

I adored my mil both sides of grandparents were amazing sadly we lost my hubby's mum to cancer 2 years ago but she was an excellent grandma and friend. Now we have 2 more and my parents treat all 4 amazing also

I'm sorry that you felt upset. I'd try and put it this way - if your grown up son had an accident and needed help (around the house, maybe some personal care, maybe a shoulder to cry on) and his partner wasn't around for whatever reason, would you expect him to contact his partner's parents? I think most people would be expecting him to call you. And of course you would be there for him. If during that time you happened to spend more time with the kids than the partner's parents, that's just how it goes. You're there because your son needed you and asked you to be there. It would be unfair for your son to then get it in the neck from his partner's parents for pushing them out, etc.

My MIL was a complete and utter bitch and it was a relief when she died. It doesn't mean I think all MIL's are like that, several of my friends have got really lovely MILs, and most don't have any major problems with their MILs. I'm really jealous of people who have nice MILs!

As well o don't think a lot of men are that fussed about seeing family

I will regularly chat with my parents and arrange for us (childless couple) to visit together or just me.

He isn't fussed either way and I won't be organising it. Reminding him it's Mother's Day or her birthday or Xmas is enough.

So we see my parents far more.

My mother in law is a difficult personality and DH has had his fair share of childhood trauma. She is pretty stiff and uncomfortable towards DD. However as a MIL to me she is pretty good and works hard to have an appropriate relationship with me (sometimes it slips but it's generally towards DH). On the flip side I have a difficult mother and my own share of childhood trauma too. My mother is a bit strange and also rapidly anti any in law into the family. She's also domineering towards DH and DD.

I was just replying why you not coming first is a non-issue, so why make it one?

I suppose my pov is slightly skewed because my dad died before DH and I were even engaged, and my own mother was a narcissistic nightmare who was already in pretty poor health when DS1 was born, and died when DS2 was 8 weeks old. Whereas my PILs are younger, fitter, still married and actually DH and I were living in their house when DS1 was born. So obviously they saw more of him and it was them we turned to if we needed someone to have him overnight. And now they live near us and they have the DC overnight once a week.

But I’m aware that that’s not the norm, and all this thread is teaching me is that I can be as close to my boys as any mum is to their daughter, I can be loving and kind and considerate to my future DIL, but if/when she shows preference to her own mum and just doesn’t want me around as much, there’s precisely fuck all I can do about it.

I spent lots of time with DDs children in the first days and weeks, I had visits with my sons' children which isn't the same. I'm pretty sure all mums with new babies will talk about bonding, well surprise surprise it applies to grandparents as well and I am more bonded to the children I sat up at night with, walked the floor with, changed dirty nappies for.

that just you.

Thankfully most people don't need to be involved full time in the newborn stage to "bond" or be more bonded.

Neither would I expect a paid nanny who is fully in charge of the newborn to be more bonded than a parent who wasn't.

This isn't the case for everyone. I adore my MIL and we are very close. Obviously she is not my mum but I care about her almost as much and treat her much the same. In fact I'm closer to her then her own daughter (but that's a whole other topic). So I don't think it's all MIL - if they are genuinely a lovely person to begin with then it's highly likely all will be great. I have two boys myself and do worry what may happen but I just trust that they will follow the examples of their parents.

DH, his whole family and our family are NC with MiL.
It really upsets me actually, because I'd love to have a MiL I could send pics of the babies too, or visit.
Even spoil a bit.
But she's mentally too unwell to have relationships with anyone.
She's abusive, toxic and dangerous and is someone who causes the most unnecessary drama and stress.
She lies, she tries to involve other agencies.
Shes also horrid to spend time with.
We've all tried but it's just not something she can deal with, she'll be nice for a week and then the second week threaten to ring social services or something else.

Sometimes on here I see MiL posts where the poster could definitely give leeway but won't and its a shame.

I wish my babies had the love of another grandparent.

I think it depends on how involved the oh is. If he is a great dad and partner and by this I mean he steps up to the plate just as much as the dil does then it will be a good relationship. If he is a lazy arse then no, things are more likely to be strained. For example if the son invites his parents over, who cleans up and cooks for them? Who plans the meals, buys the food, cooks, lays the table, dies the washing up, drys and puts the pits away. If he leaves it to the dil then yes, I think she will feel resentment towards her in laws coming.
Will the son buy all the presents and cards for his parents if leave it to the dil? If he leaves it then yes resentment will build up when in laws show dissatisfaction with their gifts.
If you raise a lazy boy/man you will reap what you sow.
Mil is great but then again my dh dies all sorts for her. I don’t get involved in present buying he does that himself. I didn’t marry a child.

I will always be far closer to my own mother/family than I will with my DP's, it just feels natural. My DP's mum is very hands on and really helps out with DS but she's not my DMum so in my eyes she isn't the same.

depends on the ils themselves.

parents need to realise that a good relationship with your adult children and their family isn't your birthright. plenty of adults fall out with their own parents once they became financially independant.

so go back to the ils, you are not entitled to be adored by your dil/sil just because they married your dc, you are not even entiltled to be adored by your dc if you didn't hold up your end.

sometimes ils don't get along with each other simply because their personalities don't fit. just think of it this way, would your ils still be good friends with you if they didn't happen to marry your dc? do you have good conversations (the genuine ones, not the fake a** polite il chitchats) and do you have similar interests and enjoy the same passtime? if the answers are no, it's only natural that your ils keep you at arms length.

you can't force people to be your friend, no matter who they married.

Why is it the woman's job to facilitate relationships? Just because we raise men to not be bothered by their own families, it means young women have to accept this all falls on them? Fuck that. MIL is great but it is DH's problem to keep in touch, invite her over, and nurture that relationship. Just like I do with mine. DH doesn't see my mother as his own so why should I?

Is it just me? Maybe you need to speak to more grandparents about it. The fact remains lots of new mothers don't want MIL involved and then moan she favours her daughters children.

I’d say the likelihood of the very specific scenario you describe actually occurring is considerably slimmer than the chance him and his future wife/partner having a baby.