Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

Oh behave she was not bullying her

I have a wonderful MIL and a wonderful DIL

Unfortunately, there are moms who lean heavily into, “You’re taking my baby from me!” and complain that their son takes the GF/DIL out to nicer places, buys her jewelry, and even show up in a wedding gown.

I KNOW my mother was a nightmare MIL, because she BRAGGED about how terrible she treated her DILs to me. She could “make them leave, they’d better remember who’s in charge.” and, “He can always get a divorce, but only has one mother.” She even threw a fit because one of my brothers had to work Christmas season, and it was HER year, but his wife was spending it with HER family! I asked why on earth her DIL (no kids) would rather spend Christmas with her MIL, without her husband, than with her own parents and siblings. She hung up on me.

I was forever grateful to live in another time zone.

My mum really liked her MIL, other than a few hiccups along the way. I loathed mine with a fiery passion and I had to really work to not grin at her funeral.

People are people. Some are nice, some are utter arseholes, and they're the ones we want advice about, or want to vent about!

I had a,lovely MiL and I hope I'm the same to my DiL and SiL.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that all or even most MIL-DIL conflict is from this, but a minority of women parentify their children and engage in covert incest or emotional incest. Of both sons and daughters. Daughters can definitely be parentified children and victims of emotional incest too, but there's often more overt pressure on boys (especially with divorced/single mothers) to be 'the man of the house' (which is all wrapped up in toxic masculinity and pressure on young boys) and take the absent father's position. Unfortunately there are women in the world who act helpless and feel like they have to have a man being in charge, and if the husband dies or leaves, the son can be forced into that position.

Of course there are degrees. At the milder end of the scale are widowed women who call their sons whenever they need anything done because they have learned helplessness, at the extreme end is stuff like what Jeanette McCurdy talks about in her book. (Which is a good example of parentified child and covert incest between a mother and daughter.)

Honestly there are a lot of women out there who are competitive with their DIL because they feel that their "man" has been stolen from them. Or who treat their son like a husband.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

She absolutely was.

There was a thread a few days ago where a man who called his mum every week was called a mummy's boy who should cut the apron strings.

The hypocrisy on mumsnet is strong.

Honestly there are a lot of women out there who are competitive with their DIL because they feel that their "man" has been stolen from them. Or who treat their son like a husband.

And there are some women out there who are competitive with their MILs, and resent their DH's affection for them, or them giving then their time. Because ' they've had their turn'.

No doubt. Jealous, possessive mothers of adult children start out somewhere.

If she was pushy or thought she was equal to my Mum, she wouldn’t have allowed unsupervised contact…… wow!!!

My MIL is lovely, could not have asked for better, my own mother an absolute nightmare and my stepmum a little batshit crazy. In fairness I have a brother and 2 step brothers and I'm fairly certain my stepmum will be the MIL of nightmares.

Ha Dora. My mil lovely. My mother is hard work its tiring

*🥹@IceCreamQueen86
*
What are you on about?! Men moaning & making “jokes” about their MILs is extremely well known! All the MIL jokes I’ve ever heard come are men!

I agree. My mum loved her MIL and sang her praises to us. My dad on the other hand, was very vocal about his dislike of his 😂.

I should imagine on another forum wed hear plenty of moaning from men about their mothers in law.

I think the point that PP make though, that people are only going to post if it's a moan, is right. The other thing to remember is that it's very often a fleeting moan. These frustrations are often short lived and do blow over but not many are going to come back to an old thread to say 'oh it's all ok now and actually we get on quite well'. So we assume that the poster is in a constant state of dislike for her MIL when actually like anything, many will move on and build bridges

See this is the thing. I don't actually think it's true that maternal grandmothers by default are more involved.

As you've pointed out, it's often more to do with proximity, availability, health etc.

There will often be one set of/grandparent(s) who are able or willing to be more involved and I don't think the deciding factor is often whether they are the mother/father's parent.

You can have the most wonderful mother/daughter bond but if she emigrates to the other side of the world you aren't going to physically see a lot of your grandchildren.

Did not RTFT but in our dialect (of another European language than English) the "warm side" of the family refers to a mother's parents; the "cold side" is the father's side. So yes, even from our language it's clear we expect the maternal side to be more cherished.

But in individual cases I think you reap what you sow. My mum and her MIL always went out of their way to be nice to each other. My husband mum and her own family are asocial with each other. As a result my husband is the one who doesn't bother with family pfaff and keeps saying his mum "doesn't expect it". I am actually pretty sure she wants it and am the one pushing most and spending most money to keep that relationship going. Mostly because I want to lead by example so my son will have the same expectations if he ever marries a wife ;-)

My , now late, MIL was a wonderful person.

She was chatty , friendly, knowledgeable, helpful, humorous , gentle and very loving.

She died of Covid, on her own, in a dementia care home where she felt frightened and lonely.

It still hurts.

I'm so sorry. She sounds wonderful

My mil is fine. Quite different to me in lots of ways but fine.

Or, some men struggle to adapt. I was this at the start of my marriage as we moved into my husbands grandmas house. His dads mum. His brother and partner had lived here before us and done whatever they liked- a bad paint job in the living room, dog chewed the furniture. We moved in and I would say I’ll move that bookshelf to here and Dh would say no wait I’ll check with my mum if that’s ok. So I said we can’t live here, I need to be able to move things in my house without asking your mums permission. It never bothered him when his brother or partner did whatever to the house but when I moved something suddenly it was an issue. It’s clearly a husband problem but did not bring me closer to my mil.

OP, I would take it with a pinch of salt.

Most people I know in real life get on reasonably well with their MIL. The ones who dont particularly get on are civil to their MIL.

I don't know anyone who is no contact with their MILs.

And 90 odd percent of the MIL threads on here are started by totally batshit DILs

I think my partners Mum is lovely. I'll never be as close to her as my own Mum I shouldn't think, how could I be. But I enjoy her company and I will do everything I can to facilitate her (and my partners Dad!) having as close a relationship with our child as I would like my parents to have, the more people who love the baby the better. (And of course the more options for babysitters!)

My mil has treated me terribly at various times.
I still support her role in my DH's and DC's life. She had been horrible covertly so I ignore it, if she was obvious I would have to take a stand.
So, I think anyone worrying about future mil role should just wait and see.
So many outcomes are possible there is no point worrying.
Just try to be a good human and see what happens.

@WhatADrabCarpet 💐 so sorry to hear what. What an amazing lady she was.