Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

calm down Sweetashunni
Yes, I absolutely feel very sorry for anyone with an overbearing mother, or a MIL from hell!

and I am glad women don't want to put up with the competitive nonsense of having RIGHTS to ignore the mother and see the child, and it's not faiiiiiir if the other grand-mother spend 1 hour 45 with the child and they only had a 1 hour 22 minutes because they should be equal 😂

I don't feel sorry for MIL one bit I am afraid. Anyone who starts by demanding "equal rights" with the mother is going to be a nightmare to deal with.

I don’t need to. If you’d read my posts you would see we agree on this particular issue but I could not overlook your frankly bullying comments to a woman who is pregnant and emotional. Stay classy. An ally to women indeed.

It was actually weeks for us since my parents live overseas. My in-laws still had more time with our children being in the same country, but it did take a bit longer for a bond to form due to the level of interaction and involvement that they gave them.

Sweetashunni
gosh you are absolutely right. If my DIL becomes that fragile and will require so much tip-toeing around her because #pregnant, I will have to be so careful about not upsetting or saying anything at all 😂

I wouldn't want to become the MIL from hell myself, because I was too dismissive during the pregnancy.

Mm. Not sure I'd be hanging out the bunting to celebrate women's progress on that basis. 'Standing up for themselves' against other women who are pretty powerless in the situation anyway, while typically some weak willed man sits on the fence watching them squabble, is not really what I have in mind when I picture womens' empowerment.

I had lovely "mother in laws" in my previous relationships. All lovely!

The man I married is a different story!

She absolutely hated me and accused me of devil vagina magic, she hated the way I dressed, she criticised everything about me. She did her best to make me look bad. But now we have a daughter, she is trying to be nice. I don't trust her but if she is nice, I'll be nice!

devil vagina magic

😂😂😂
You win!

MN tends to be pro-MIL in my opinion.

Anyone who starts a thread complaining about their MIL, even if the MIL is clearly behaving outrageously, will generate:
"She can't be that bad since she parented the man you deemed good enough to marry!"
"Typical MIL bashing"
"Admit it, you just don't like her, do you, OP?"
"Yet another MIL-bashing thread."
"One day you'll be someone's MIL and be called overbearing!"
"Better hope you have daughters so you don't have to deal with being some woman's MIL if that's your attitude."

You could post "please help I found out my MIL has taken a hit out on me" and you'd get dozens of "you just don't like her do you OP? headtilt".

There's literally nothing too abusive a MIL can do, that won't generate MIL-defending comments. If someone posted that their actual mother was abusive and domineering they'd get unilateral support, but if it's a MIL they get a mix of support and "must blindly defend all MILs at any cost no matter how abusive they are as a point of principle."

Besides it's squeaky wheel syndrome. Most people get on okay with their MILs but if you get on fine with someone you'd have no reason to ever start a thread about them. So by definition, the only threads are ones where the relationship has badly broken down.

(Fwiw I have no dog in this fight as I've never had a MIL.)

I clearly remember saying to my BFF, years before I met my dh, “I can’t wait to have a MIL! No way she can be worse than my mother!”

Universe took it as a damn challenge

I still maintain that my husband’s MIL was worse than mine, but the line is very thin.

Neither of us had good mothers growing up, although their methods of abuse were different. Neither of us had good relationships with our mothers in adulthood. We used to joke that it’s one of the reasons we’re so well suited, nobody else would understand the absolute gong show we originated from.

Thankfully, we never lived in the same time zone as either of our mothers. I’ve been NC with mine for over a decade, but DH kept in contact with his mother until she died.

@flurbubbly don't forget

'you should be grateful that you even have MIL, mine died 4 years ago'.

'She's doing too a favour by giving free childcare' despite doing something that rightly bothers or upsets OP

My lovely MiL only had boys (4) - it was a very ‘male’ household, so I think she was pathetically grateful to have someone who took the slightest interest in e.g. her new kitchen curtains.

TBH although my own DM loved my dds (I only had girls) my MiL was considerably better at spending time and playing with them. She died too young, only 68. 😥

It's always worth remembering that things are very rarely completely one sided. Always worth taking a long, hard look at our own behaviour as well as at the other person's.

The death ones always make me either raise an eyebrow or roll my eyes. Why would or should anyone be grateful for having a family member that constantly disrespects them and why expect saying that changes what the receiver thinks?

Devil vagina magic! Made my day 😂

Agreed. My MIL was not demanding at all when our DC was born but DH did comment that his mum had been pushed into second place behind his brother’s MIL when his brother’s DC were born. I pointed out that SIL would want her mum there. He said that was not fair. I then went through all the physical issues - bleeding, leaking boobs, day 3 hormonal tears etc. I asked him if he’d want my Dad around if he had medical issues with his testicles. Finally he got the point.

I am sure to MIL's friends and DH's side of the family I am the nasty DIL who keeps her DGCs away from her

does sound like it, yeh. I think it’s disgusting you are denying your children a relationship with their grandma because of an accident.

It all falls back to wife work doesn’t it.

The dil will naturally if she had a normal mother want / need to spend more time with her mother as a person an individual. As a new mum that means her baby will happen to be basically tagging along.

Now if you never had a meet up for a coffee type relationship with dil why would you magically think that would happy because she now has a baby? Where as her relationship with her mum remains unchanged apart from maybe having more time to pop in because she’s on leave.

That’s the mother child relationship continuing as always.

so no it’s not sons mums being second class it’s the simple fact of the relationship to start with. If your coffee chatters she will use her free time to coffee chat, if you are not you can’t suddenly feel put out that her mother and her still go for coffee because she now has a baby too.

The reason you see the grandchild less is because of the relationship in general not because one granny is ousting the other. She’s not going to her mums to show off the baby she’s visiting her mum.

The blame fully lands on the son for how often you see their child, but also remember not every interaction a adult parent has is because they are doing it to show or share baby, baby just happens to be there because they are being a parent.

also maybe don’t comment on the cleaning, or washing up, or that the grass needs cutting, maybe ask after the mum first rather than dive bombing the baby out of her arms. She’s still a human too not just an incubator.

It will depend on your son and the type of women he has children with.

A wet lettuce of a son and controlling Women.... no hope.

Also as a mil knowing not to criticise .😉

So @Tandorahow many times should I accept 'accidents' happening to my DCs for the sake of family harmony? When I questioned what happened she went off on one, she refused to see our DCs unless they were on thier own without us which just wasn't going to happen, so she doesn't see them. The accident wouldn't have happened if she had been taking proper care of them and she knew it, she didn't point out to me that the accident had happened, just left a blistered burn on our DS's hand for us to find.

It wasn't just one incident, it was a constant stream of undermining us as parents. My DCs throwing up in the night after being at her house because, despite us saying sweeties in moderation, she was giving them massive bags of Haribo each, along with chocolate, ice cream etc etc. Constant preferential treatment of SILs children which both sets of children started to notice.

If she has an epiphany like a PP's MIL did then I would honestly welcome her back with open arms, albeit with supervised contact, but so far she refuses to give a shit that her actions hurt one of our DCs.

That's true, but MIL/DIL relationship is inherently an unequal one.

It's the natural order of things that as children grow to adults, they leave their family of birth to create a family of their own, and thus priorities change. Your spouse and children should always be more important to you than your parents. Unfortunately some women can't handle no longer being the most/only important woman in their child's life (especially mothers of sons) and feel competitive with the woman they feel "replaced" them.

A mother will always have more say over her own baby than anyone else because it's HER baby. Ultimately only the parents get any say over how to raise their own child. Grandparents aren't equal to parents and they never will be (obviously there are exceptions eg if the bio parents have lost custody and the grandparents have been granted legal custody, but that's a different situation), that's just biology. Decent parents want to facilitate their children having good relationships with grandparents but most MIL-DIL problems seem to be woman treating other women's babies like objects they want to possess and acting like the baby's own mother is just an incubator and annoyance standing in the way of "their" baby.

Last, pregnancy and birth are hugely stressful and traumatic, as is dealing with the aftermath (coping with the physical recovery from labour, hormone changes, PND, etc.); breastfeeding; coping with a newborn. Usually it is the woman who handles most of the responsibilities of a newborn. And obviously most women are going to want their own mums present, over some woman they're not biologically related to and may not know well or at all.

Yes it's "unfair" but it's just biology. The only person who matters during labour is the person in labour.

One thing I have noticed on Mumsnet is that men who want to maintain a close relationship with their parents are very quickly told they should "cut the apron strings". I don't think I have ever heard that expression or similar being applied to women.

I am glad women are not afraid to stand up for themselves and refuse to put up with toxic family relationships. I call that progress.

I couldn’t agree more.

Exactly!

Why do people keep suggesting that mothers of sons feel jealous and 'replaced' by their son's wives? Even in one case likening the mother to the husband's ex! Just because we have children the opposite sex to ourselves, doesn't mean we see them as partners. Just because they marry a woman doesnt (or shouldn't!) mean they see her as their new mum. They are our children, just as our daughters are, and we are mums not rival wives. The whole thinking behind that is very distasteful.

@flurbubbly I don't think anyone-certainly not me!- is saying that a woman's relationship with her MIL should be as close as the one with her mother (all things being equal/in an ideal world/etc). But I certainly think that the MIL often seems to be the second string grandmother. And I don't think that's fair to anyone. Geography meant that my mother had much more to do with our children than DPs. But we put a lot of effort into making sure that his parents were as involved as possible. And it paid off in terms of our children having strong attachments to their whole wider family.