Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

I feel so sorry for your boys. And your future daughter-in-laws. I really do.

You know you have (on average) a good 34 years to worry about the hypothetical partner, don't you? Being that upset 34 years in advance is not healthy.

You are being a bit nasty to a pregnant woman.

Angelo - look. This thread could be really very useful for you. To see where MILs typically go wrong in their relationships with their DILs. And say ‘ok, noted, I will try to avoid doing that myself’. Which will give you the best chance of being a trusted and beloved MIL who is equal to DIL’s mother as a gran.

If however you argue against it all and go into it with a bee in your bonnet about being ‘pushed out’ before it’s even happened, you will probably end up exactly like some of the MILs on this thread.

The good thing is it’s mostly in your hands. But you need to start from a point of understanding. How did you feel after your boys were born out of interest, did you really want to see your MIL every bit as much as your own mum? Surely you can understand a little?

I am trying my best to read every comment and I can understand many of them.
I am seeing this same comment a lot though “It’s unreasonable to expect a DIL to love her MIL as much as her own Mother”. No one from what I have read has said that. I certainly don’t expect that, but I think it is reasonable to suggest that the grandkids will love DH’s parents as much as they love yours. (Given the chance, that is).

Just my observation but it seems that when people are close to their own mothers they can often keep the MIL at arms length even if there's no wrongdoing.

I'm not close to my mother at all (see her once a year if that) however I see MIL numerous times a week, often independent of my DH. She was waiting outside the delivery room and held DD1 a few minutes old. She's one of the only people I fully trust my DC.

You feel sorry for my boys??

who the fuck do you think you are?

AngeloMysterioso

I wish you well.

A lot of it depends on the relationship between the MIL and her son and the dynamic between the DIL and MIL before children come onto the scene. If you see them twice a year and only talk to your son when you phone him every couple of weeks then you aren’t going to become a big part of their life just because they have a baby.

Ignore. Please just ignore. This ‘I feel sorry for your kids’ shit is plain nasty and designed to touch a nerve, and anyone with half a brain will know you’re not at all disappointed in your actual children.

No you don’t.

You made the comment and “I wish you well” is a pretty poor follow up.

Yes, I’m heartbroken that I will never have a daughter. That has absolutely no bearing at all on how much I love and cherish my sons- including the one I’m pregnant with.

They don’t need your pity.

Another aspect of this is how the social planning cognitive load usually falls to women. A woman who has just had a baby needs help and also wants to see her own family. If the paternal MILs aren't being invited over, it should be the son that gets the blame- he hasn't done the organizing, he won't do the cooking and clean up when they MIL visits etc etc etc

Yes I agree

It’s not about the relationship to baby, it’s about who the Mom trusts to see her in such a vulnerable state, to support her without question or judgement. For many women, that’s their own mother, understandably so. For others, it’s a sister, a best friend, or yes, a MIL. The important thing is that the mom gets the support she needs… not that the scorecards all balance.

Agree. My own mum and I had a turbulent relationship before I had my first and DH and I were a bit nervous having her come over the first time (him knowing my history with her) but it was way better than expected and I was way more comfortable having her see me nurse (she wasn’t able to with my sister and I) than my MIL who nursed all three of her children.

Why are you coming to stir up an argument? Sorry to disappoint you, but i don't wish bad to anyone. Why would I?

I am still allowed to have an opinion and to find some posters reaction completely over the top. The way I find your comment unhelpful and antagonistic, but threads about MIL always bring up resentment from some people.

I am glad women are not afraid to stand up for themselves and refuse to put up with toxic family relationships. I call that progress.

Why do they get obsessed with taking baby away and pretend that's 'helping?' No it's not! If you want to help them do the chores that take me away from my baby please! That's what my own mother does

I have a fantastic mother in law who has over 20+ yrs done things to annoy me and vice versa. That is the ebb and flow of the relationship.

What I don't do is allow everything to become a battle which you see so often on the anti MiL threads. Few I believe are truly evil and as a mother of 2 boys - I hope I can strike the balance that she has with my grandchildren

I was much much closer to my paternal gp's as a child. They were bothered and made the effort, I saw them every week. My maternal gp (only had one) wasn't and didn't, I saw her about twice a year.
It's just relationship dynamics and they vary hugely always don't they.
But you'll see a lot of venting if the bad ones here. Naturally.

I like my MIL. You know why? Because she backed off. She realised these were my children, not hers, and that quite obviously I would rather have my mum around post labour and that she would always be the first one I’d turn to.

If she had been pushy, thought she was equal to my mum with me or overstepped boundaries put in place then I wouldn’t have allowed unsupervised contact (that goes for anyone involved with my child, not just MIL).

This! X

There is far too much talk on here about entitlement and equality. We are grandparents. We love our children’s spouses. My children love their MILs and FILs. All the grandparents provide some childcare and we all cover for each other. We never bother if one grandparent is seeing more of the grandchildren.
We see our grandchildren when we look after them and the parents when they collect so we don’t feel a need to spend more time with them at the weekend unless it is a special occasion. Our kids need to be just their own nuclear family sometime. And we have our own life😀
We don’t feel we have entitlement. If our children wanted to change things about so be it.
OP if you want to be a good MIL, you have to recognise that if and when you become a grandmother you will have to give your DIL space in the beginning if she wants it. You need to bring your sons up to do their share of domestic chores. You should communicate through you sons and not your DILs.
If future visits require an overnight stay check first that this is OK and not too often or too long.
I loved my MIL. She didn’t bear anyone ill will and she always said exactly what she thought.

This would be because some women love ruling everyone around them and have weak sons who adhere to this instead of putting boundaries and being assertive.

These women then think they can rule their sons' partners and their families, too.

It doesn't work, ready conflict.

I see this happen over and over again to mothers to sons, but not so much daughters.

My own MIL is a witch and honestly, I'm bloody delighted I don't have to see her and I do not want her "help" or involvement with DS. I won't cry when she finally drops dead after how horrid she's been all throughout her life, not just to me.

So no, not everyone needs a MIL and two sets of grandparents in their lives. It depends on the people involved.

Don’t pretend everything you said was ‘just opinion’ and to help women. That ‘feel sorry for your kids’ remark was lower than a snake’s belly and to a pregnant woman as well. Who needs toxic MILs when women can be this nasty to each other online? Shame on you

My grandmothers were two very different people, vastly different backgrounds and interests. They got on well with each other, and my parents never referred to either of their spouses mum as a MIL, because there was a respect and appreciation of them.

Then there are MILs who deserve sympathy, such as those whose child has married a criminal, or a serial liar, or where their daughter has married an older man who will dump them when the daughter is over 40.

I very rarely chose to visit my MIL alone when my DC were young, mainly because it was unenjoyable and stressful for me!

MIL would question why I wasn't weaning yet, why I didn't want to 'top-up' feeds with formula, why wasn't I giving baby cooled boiled water etc. She would try and pressure me into leaving them with her overnight when I wasn't ready. She would also take DC1 (I didn't put up with that nonsense with DC2!) out of my arms when she cried and wouldn't give her back when I asked.

So funnily enough, I wasn't in any great rush to spend time with her!

As I said up thread, she's not a horrible person, just a grandparent trying to bond with her GC. Looking back I am more understanding of how MIL felt, but if I'm honest I'm still not over how she treated me in those early days.

Oh and she definitely saw my mum as her competition, it was exhausting.

I don't think she had much confidence in my ability to be a good parent, however she has since told me she thinks I'm a great mum, which meant a lot! She's also a really loving grandparent to my children, so it's not all bad.

I understand, but again I’m not talking about those first few days. I’m talking about being a grandparent overall. I’m glad things turned out so well with your Mum.