Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

My one DIL always said she came to me for advice/reassurance when the kids were little as her mum was very rigid in her attitudes to child rearing. She is very close to her mum but it can be a bit fiery so we aren't as close but get on better if that makes sense.

All the GC are well and happy which is what matters most. I suppose it makes it easier when you have quite a few GC, I imagine it is more of an issue if you only have one or two.

I think its important to remember that the gatekeeping, possessive, spiteful and ageist women who make DiLs from hell are probably not the best of daughters either.

OK, so their mums might get to spend more time with the GC, but there's plenty of threads on here that demonstrate what that can look like. GPs run ragged, expected to provide free childcare, while subject to micro management and control that borders on bullying from their own daughters.
Fact is, a minority (I believe) of women are not very nice or very reasonable towards other women. They are not nice DiL or daughters, and when the time comes, they will be the MiLs from hell. The thing to remember is that they are a minority. The majority (I believe) are nothing like the stereotypes on here.
If you bring your sons up to respect and value family, with strong ethics and values, you've every reason to be optimistic that any woman they choose to share a life with will be one of the good ones who will treat your fairly and with empathy.

So I struggled a bit with my MIL as while she did nothing desperately wrong and was generally pleasant but we just had absolutely nothing in common.

I actively enjoy spending time with my mum & dad but not so much with my inlaws. My OH would prefer do stuff on his own with kids where I will often meet my parents. I don’t see it’s my job to make it “fair” by doing things with his parents. If we are having an event we invite both families but I won’t be spending my day driving over with the kids to see my in laws when there are other things I’d enjoy doing with them if my OH can’t be bothered to do so. I’m sure if you are close to your sons and they share the load with their partners (as mine does) then they will see you with the grandkids and your DIL will see her parents with the grandkids and on occasion you will all get together. If you aren’t close to your sons then short of a DIL barring you access (sure that also sometimes happens) it’s really nothing to do with her

My inlaws are totally different to my family and that's fine. They raised a wonderful son. We saw them quite a lot when the children were small and probably more than my parents as they live further away. The contact has got less frequent over the years. They have annoyed me just turning up on my days working at home (just me in the house) and I've had to put my foot down and ask that they give notice if they are going to come round (I ask my parents for the same thing).

FIL has some dementia issues (won't get a diagnosis) and DH has been diagnosed with prostate cancer this year. He's just had an op and complications resulting in A&E trips and hospital stays. I'm losing patience with MIL as she's been blowing up the ward phone, I've tried to keep in contact with her but she just doesn't take any notice of what I'm saying. I've asked DH's brother to intervene but he can't control her either. She wants to visit eventhough she is being kept up-to-date with all developments. I have to take the phone off the hook to let DH rest. The last straw for me was her phoning DH in the hospital whilst he's seriously ill saying to him "Don't leave us son". I can't do with trying to manage my husband's illness, my kids, work and this shite from them.

I won't mention that they never told their male children that prostate cancer runs in the family.

You should com back to read this thread in a few weeks when you've processed your disappointment not to have a girl. Because what you think posters are saying and what they're actually saying is different. In most cases, posters have just pointed out that they don't see why they are held responsible for the relationship between their children and their MIL.

In my experience it is common for the mother's mother to be more involved with GC and as my first six GC were my sons' children I can assure you it didn't bother me in the slightest but at the same time if a new mother involves her mother more I don't think she then has a right to have a tantrum about MIL favouring her own daughter's children although I think the MIL should keep that to herself and not make it obvious.

This is such a sexist framing. Where are the sons in all this involving and favouring?

But it doesn't seem unusual for some DILs to put pressure on their partners to keep weekends for their own little family, especially if their partner is (or they both are) working full time. And part of me understands that. But I do feel for those PILs whose DILs do put obstacles in the way of those grandparents seeing as much of the children as her own parents do. I'm glad that my own daughter is happy to enable and encourage visits to her inlaws.

These are contradictory statements. I 100% agree with you re parents who don't want to spend weekends with anyone else because they just want "our little family" and who are outraged if anyone suggests Christmas gatherings because "our little family".

But that's completely different to a woman who facilitates a relationship between her parents and her DC but expects a man to do the same. I guess if they see her parents every saturday and then Sunday must be for "our little family" I can see why this would be unfair, but I honestly think in most cases the "our little family" brigade aren't very nice to anyone's parents!

I think the relationship with the mother in law is always going to be a bit different. In the early baby months it was easier to have my mum around. I could slob out in front of her ask her to pop round for an hour etc. as they got older I was able to let my little ones go to my mothers for full / half days while I went elsewhere. She was more comfortable having them to herself without me there. Good relationships with both. Just different.

Well said @5128gap

If you are that over-bearing with sons and over-the-top right now, before one is even born, your future daughter-in-law is the least of your worries. You will lose your boys long before they settle down.

This is nuts. Blame pregnancy hormones, but you need to chill, and you need a life.

there's a way to offer.

Not push your way through, grabbing the hoover and behaving in a way you wouldn't behave in your neighbours' house (or so one can wish), but asking if she needs any help and you'd be happy to help with baby, or house or whatever she wants.

That's another reason why having a relationship with your DIL BEFORE she even gets pregnant would make sense. If you are such stranger and never go to her house, how can anyone expect to magically be as important as the other grand-mother?

I'm with you. Especially with the entertaining part.

I don't expect my DH to want to spend time with my family when I'm not there, but for some reason he thinks it's fine to flounce out and leave me with his! Then you add on the other annoyances of ILs and that's one way relationships get strained.

I like my MIL. She's a nice lady but we don't have a huge amount in common and I have less tolerance for her annoying traits than I do for my own mother's.

I am very keen for her to have a relationship with DS but if I’m honest, I do trust her less with him than I do my own mother. I was also less comfortable with having her (and FIL) around in the early days postpartum when I was physically still recovering than my own mum - I'll happily take my top off in front of my mother but I absolutely wouldn't in front of PIL! That level of intimacy, or lack of it, can't help but impact on our relationship.

I'm a boy mum and I hope I am still included as much with potential grandchildren!

I've had an awful time with my non mother in law (see my post AIBU to reduce contact with ex MIL). I think partly it's being so vulnerable after having children you need kindness, and there is such a contrast between own mothers helping and caring for you vs mother in laws coming to hold/take baby and expecting to be a guest. Not always the case but seems to happen a lot. Especially on mums net people come with issues rather than to boast when things are going great

I absolutely adored my MIL, sadly she passed before our DC were born. I would give anything for her to have met them.

Sometimes I wonder about life if she were still here.

I think sometimes the issue can come from the fact that the DIL is essentially the "gatekeeper" of the kids, because she does the majority of the things to do with them.

So, for example, when the man is putting up with his partners mum coming over to see the kids, he's putting up with her spending time with his partner, whereas when the DIL is putting up with her partners mum, it's her having to entertain them as DH is at work (seems common) and she's the one looking after the kids.

Or, another example, DIL is frustrated by MIL not listening to things to do with the kids such as snacks and naps - and it's her that stresses about these things and will be dealing with the fall out later. If it were her parents, she'd feel freer to be blunt with them. DH doesn't have to deal with that annoyance in reverse because he won't be the one picking up the pieces.

I think the more equal the partnership is as parents, the more likely it is things will be equal amongst GP, with the exception of the aftermath of birth (as this can never be equal) which, sorry to say, you don't sound particularly understanding about. You just sound like deep down you think DIL should be happy for the help and not feel like she wants privacy from her in laws while she recovers.

I dont expect a MIL to ever be as important to a DIL as her own mother. Just as I wouldnt expect my husband to think my mum is more important to him than his mum.

and i am sure there is a way to offer which is why i said some DIL be right as I can imagine some offering is pointed, but it also concievable that some DIL might a bit sensitive or just looking at things in a bad light. Literally using the words you suggest of 'do you need any help' in a pleasant way can be met with hostility as suggesting some needs help is undermining them. I've witnessed friends get in a right stew over perfectly kind offers. One of my friends had an offer to pay for a cleaner for the first year of her babies life, from a MIL thatvlived far away so didnt visit but thought it was a nice gesture. She was fuming.

I also think that it would be lovely to have a relatship with a DIL before kids but I also think why would i have needed help for a nap pre kids. I worked full time and went out with friends a lot. I wasnt going to sit at home entertaining my MIL incase I had children.

And you need to stop throwing unhelpful insults at me.

I agree @Spendonsend This is where is gets nasty and damaging in families - MIL’s words or suggestions are meant well but sensitive DIL completely overreacts or interprets them in bad faith. The poor MIL’s family unity is at the mercy of her DIL’s emotional intelligence, empathy and goodwill.

the "poor" MIL has a son. Again, why is it ALWAYS a DIL problem.

I am not insulting you. You are saying you have been sobbing because you are expecting a boy and you are upset about your relationship with your daughter-in-law to be.

Can't you see it's a tad over-the-top? You are resenting the hypothetical relationship of a girl with her own mother, when she is likely not even born yet, probably not even conceived.

Telling you to chill is not an insult.

Eh no, it's not that simple. All families have different dynamics. If somebody keeps giving unwanted advice (and it's clearly not well received) maybe it's time to stop.

Also, there's more to fall out than just advice. Ignoring DILs boundaries and norms, being overbearing, making rude comments, invading privacy are common ones

It's less to do with bad MIL or DIL its just that it can be a tricky relationship to navigate. I don't think most people start if despising their MILS for being MILs, it builds up

Eh no, it's not that simple. All families have different dynamics. If somebody keeps giving unwanted advice (and it's clearly not well received) maybe it's time to stop.

Also, there's more to fall out than just advice. Ignoring DILs boundaries and norms, being overbearing, making rude comments, invading privacy are common ones

It's less to do with bad MIL or DIL its just that it can be a tricky relationship to navigate. I don't think most people start if despising their MILS for being MILs, it builds up

But that doesn’t mean that the relationship is close enough that the DIL is comfortable to be that vulnerable around her MIL.

And that has a LOT to do with who is welcome in those very early postpartum days. It’s not about the relationship to baby, it’s about who the Mom trusts to see her in such a vulnerable state, to support her without question or judgement. For many women, that’s their own mother, understandably so. For others, it’s a sister, a best friend, or yes, a MIL. The important thing is that the mom gets the support she needs… not that the scorecards all balance.

Anyone who’s keeping score about what a woman who’s recently given birth is doing has proven they’re not to be trusted, imo, because they were never going to be focused on actually helping the mom, but on grabbing baby time.

Telling me to chill and get a life when I’m discussing something that is genuinely upsetting me is insulting. Is it making you feel good? Honestly?