To think this has moved into bullying territory?

[BurnsBurnsBurns]

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

I completely agree, the whole thread is utterly ridiculous. People annoy each other, that’s life as we have to share the world. I’m sure the OP has s annoying, her workmates also sound annoying. I’m sure we can all be annoying in one way or another.

And in terms of ‘elevenerife’ the main one upmanship being shown here is about how amazing so many posters’ social skills are. They are high status and so perfect they never annoy anyone. Yeah right.

Is this another of those fairy tales that people seem so keen to invent?

It is the impression that many of the posters give on this thread.

Possibly they lack self awareness about how it comes over just like they are berating the OP about her own lack of awareness. They certainly lack maturity and self reflection.

I completely agree, the whole thread is utterly ridiculous. People annoy each other, that’s life as we have to share the world. I’m sure the OP has s annoying, her workmates also sound annoying. I’m sure we can all be annoying in one way or another

Exactly. No-ones perfect. In order to get on with other people you have to accept the minor annoyances and the fact they will not act in accordance with your preferences at all times (and hopefully they do the same 😂)

*Reminds me of the time someone posted “as my brother always says, no shit Sherlock”

She then went on to use that phrase in other posts like her brother had invented it*

The OP does seems to have an unusual hang up about this. I can now hear myself saying 'as my mum would have said, you can't do right for doing wrong..' (amongst many other little catchphrases she liked to use!)
I think it's just a habit I've got into. Im never implying she invented the phrase nor do I think the people engaged in the conversation believe so either. It seems a very odd thing to get wound up about.

Right ok. You do seem to have slightly odd social skills. You also seem a bit low on ‘agreeableness’ - not always a bad thing but it can increase the risk of being short of social support networks when you need them.

The wasp thing is forgivable (the office reaction one, not the one where you assault someone with a can). The other things do sound like social unawareness.

Perhaps you do get caught up in your own world and are not so interested in others. All of which may be be a repeating pattern as you’ve mentioned it going back to primary. It’s up to you whether you want to change anything or are happy as you are. Office people can be a bit cliquey and it can be hard to fit in if you’re a little unusual. I guess it’s just about trying to be a little bit more self aware.

The OP does seems to have an unusual hang up about this

People keep making reference to it though. I think she’s just responding to them?

I personally would leave and find another job.

Either they r all knobs

Or you are a knob and have rubbed everyone up the wrong way

Or you r just not compatible.

Either way, it's not sustainable. It's not a good fit. Leave.

That's an even stranger thing to get so het up about, even if that had been what the poster was implying (and it wasn't). It's a nothing. It doesn't impinge on anyone.

Being pissed off over someone ruining big moments makes far, far more sense. That can actually be rude or upsetting as it spoils someone's happiness.

I do think your social cues are off. There may be a reason, I don't know.

I suppose it's just the irony of OP being hung up on this very normal thing to do while being oblivious to why her colleagues are getting hung up on her behaviour.

The eleveneriffe thing, just a general observation...
If someone tries to put you down its human nature to want to hit back.
If your put down of choice lacks wit and originality, you've given them great ammunition.
The moral? If you can't be funny and clever when insulting someone, then probably best avoid it altogether if you don't want them to make you look small.

The way I see it is, the OP couldn’t bear not being the centre of attention so shouted all over someone’s good news to make it all about her. I’ve seen it over and over in offices. The person looking for attention is usually one that is known for doing it so I’d say the resentment of the colleagues had been building up for a while.

I suppose it's just the irony of OP being hung up on this very normal thing to do while being oblivious to why her colleagues are getting hung up on her behaviour

Is she hung up on it though ? She’s mainly been replying to other posters.

what you’re not hearing about is all the times I’ve been talked over, interrupted, laughed at

this is a theme for me going right back to primary school.

I've read everything you have posted on the thread... and you might have a problem with what's called "language pragmatics". Not being able to predict when the things you say will come across badly to others. Saying things that are slightly "off" so you get laughed at. Not being able to manage turn-taking and joining in conversations so you get interrupted and you interrupt other people. Wanting to share your own news but forgetting to "read the room" first and wait your turn. Wanting to share useful information about a holiday destination but picking the wrong moment and the wrong way to say it.

Many people can do these things naturally most of the time. But for others (and I include myself in that!) it's a more painful skill to learn and we do it a lot more clumsily. And we get it wrong more often, and irritate and offend other people.

For example, this is how the baby conversation incident probably came across to the others: before you shared your own news, the implied message was just "Great news but I'm too busy to sit and chat any more" which is fine. But after your announcement the implication was "the baby conversation was too dull to sit and listen to, but it's fine to stop work and interrupt with my own exciting news".

Also, maybe a silly question but do you know how to apologise properly? An apology can easily come across as justifying or minimising your own behaviour. And people resent that kind of apology - they may accept it on the surface especially at work, but it doesn't really make them feel better about the person who is apologising.

One helpful source is Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" books and column. On the surface they're about "etiquette" and she has a clever "tongue in cheek" style but really they are very good on adult social skills - what to say and when and how to say it, how to manage different social situations, what annoys people and how to put things across. And in the books she's very good at explaining why, which makes it easier to apply to new situations.

Don't totally isolate yourself at work. Keep saying the safe surface "congratulations" and the "have a great holidays", a bit of smiling and nodding along, and wait a few weeks for the waves to calm down before dipping your toe deeper in the social water again. Good luck!

I've been observing this thread and I think you owe a lot of posters an apology @BurnsBurnsBurns .

@teaandtoastwithmarmite didn't mention that her husband came up with the saying. It is an old saying with a pun about the TEN in Tenerife and the number Eleven, by being one up on the next person.
Now you're having a go at @fortnumsfinest saying that they are calling you names, when they put into their post that it "makes it very easy to see why your colleagues think you're a pain in the arse" which doesn't mean that the they do, but that it makes it very easy to understand why your colleagues might or actually do think this.

I don't say this very often on MN but I honestly think that you might benefit from stepping back from the keyboard for a bit.

Congratulations on the purchase of your home. Take a bit of a breather now.

Atrocious behaviour?

FFS. Only on MN.

This.

No it is not bullying, it is pulling you up on your atrocious behaviour.

Yeah I don't think it's the OP that owes the apology here!

Sanctimonious, disingenuous rot.

Honestly, OP, I didn't read the full thread because I can't be fucking arsed, but it's really fucking infantile and immature behaviour.

Was it great timing to get that announcement? No and I'd probably suggest putting phone away and not looking at it when someone else is giving their news. However, if you're waiting to see if your offer on a house has been accepted, you're bound to be checking your phone and bound to be excited. And everyone on this thread acting like they wouldn't have been or done the same thing-is absolutely lying to make themselves look peachy to absolute strangers on the internet.

As for the other examples-you can't exactly help when a wasp comes in and disturbs you. Maybe your colleagues could form an annual wasp convention and get all the wasps together and organise with them when they're allowed to come in and disturb you and when "important news" is being delivered and they're not allowed, under any circumstances, to enter the room. Maybe the wasps will be amenable to that discussion.

The third example-that's where I do think you went wrong. If someone is excited to go on holiday to a place, don't shit on it by telling them your bad experiences. If you want to say "we did x and didn't enjoy it that much, I'd recommend doing y instead," that's probably okay because it's a constructive tip, but just saying you outright didn't enjoy it just dampens their mood a bit. Even if others were doing it-but if others were doing it-they should have been pulled up, too. Not just you.

When I'm at work, I like my colleagues well enough. I'm happy for them if things are going well in their lives. However, I really don't get this attitude of needing to make big announcements at work about personal shit like anyone really gives a damn. Expecting your colleagues to sit and be so invested in your personal life is just odd and self-centred. We work at the same place because we both need money-but other than that, we may not have anything else in common.

I could understand their reaction a bit more if it were a group of friends, but colleagues? Really? Are they really expecting everyone to sit, rapt with attention as they dispense their personal news? Not everyone cares. Most of us just want to get on with their jobs, make our money and go the fuck home.

However, I really don't get this attitude of needing to make big announcements at work about personal shit like anyone really gives a damn. Expecting your colleagues to sit and be so invested in your personal life is just odd and self-centred. We work at the same place because we both need money-but other than that, we may not have anything else in common.

Maybe you haven't. But people do make friends at work, and just because you don't care about your colleagues and they don't care about you doesn't mean nobody else ever created an office friendship group. It's weirder to go your whole career and never make friends with anyone you work with.

The fact that OP's getting a bad response from several people about this does suggest that these people do care about each others' lives. It's not odd or self centred to have friends.

I agree @DrSbaitso . I've got some lovely friends at work and we do share stuff.

I'm not saying that you can't make friends at work. Of course, you can. However, a lot of people get themselves into tangles by assuming everyone they work with is their friend. This is simply not the case.

If you bothered to read my post, you'd have seen that I made the distinction between friends and colleagues. If they'd been a group of friends (even a group of friends made at work) and OP had acted like that, I'd have a different opinion and consider her behaviour to be quite rude.

However, OP hasn't made the distinction between friends and colleagues and hasn't from what I have read stressed that they're a group of friends as well as colleagues, so I'm going to work off the assumption that they're colleagues. Therefore, her behaviour isn't really rude if they're not friends or close like that. Do people really expect their colleagues to care about their personal lives? Some people really do just want to go to work and go home.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect all of your colleagues to be sat, rapt with attention, as you deliver your news. Keep it to a close group of friends (even friends at work) and leave it at that or manage expectations if you're delivering to a wider group of colleagues.

I doubt it very much. Not everyone sees things in these terms at all. Not everyone sees life in terms of competing for being the centre of attention. People who do see life as that sort of competition will accuse other people of 'stealing their thunder' in ways that are utterly baffling to those who don't see life in that way.

The OP was not trying to be the centre of attention; she was failing to pay attention to what was happening outside of her phone and her house situation, and therefore disturbed others. Somewhat inconsiderate no doubt, but not a competition for attention.