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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this has moved into bullying territory?

808 replies

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 06:18

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

OP posts:
BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 19:55

Example James Corden telling one of Ricky Gervais’ jokes as if it was his own. Cringe

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2023 20:04

I think it's pretty normal to repeat sayings. Lots of people do it, most of us aren't creative enough to make up our own.

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 20:06

WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2023 20:04

I think it's pretty normal to repeat sayings. Lots of people do it, most of us aren't creative enough to make up our own.

Yeah but most of us don’t make out that the sayings are original works of our husbands though do we?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2023 20:11

I don't think that poster made any such claim. Referencing a relevant saying that someone close to you often says to describe something that's being talked about is just normal conversation. It doesn't mean you're claiming the individual created the saying.

DrSbaitso · 13/07/2023 20:18

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 20:06

Yeah but most of us don’t make out that the sayings are original works of our husbands though do we?

"My husband says" doesn't imply that nobody else says the same thing.

You seem to take things extremely literally.

Plbrookes · 13/07/2023 20:26

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 19:02

Because, as you know, you have failed to provide a quote that shows the pregnant colleague complained

so who do you think complained ?

I don't know. I don't invent fairy tales and then insist that they're true.

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 20:40

Goodness the way you've got wound up by the elevenerife comment, which by the way didn't say the posters husband claimed he invented it, makes it very easy to see why your colleagues think you're a pain in the arse.
I think they have made their feelings very clear about how they feel about you

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 20:51

I don't know

so you don’t know it wasn’t the pregnant colleague then
cos it probably was

JudgeAnderson · 13/07/2023 20:54

I think they have made their feelings very clear about how they feel about you

OP isn't obliged to tolerate nasty comment after nasty comment without responding in kind.

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 20:56

Unless you want to insist it wasn’t ?

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 20:57

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 20:40

Goodness the way you've got wound up by the elevenerife comment, which by the way didn't say the posters husband claimed he invented it, makes it very easy to see why your colleagues think you're a pain in the arse.
I think they have made their feelings very clear about how they feel about you

So do you suggest I just smile sweetly and not respond when people call me stupid names?

Telling me I’m being unreasonable is one thing. Calling me names is something else entirely and no, I won’t just sit and take it.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/07/2023 20:59

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 20:40

Goodness the way you've got wound up by the elevenerife comment, which by the way didn't say the posters husband claimed he invented it, makes it very easy to see why your colleagues think you're a pain in the arse.
I think they have made their feelings very clear about how they feel about you

Thank you. I was feeling bullied by that

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 20:59

What stupid name were you called?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/07/2023 21:00

@BurnsBurnsBurns

Yeah but most of us don’t make out that the sayings are original works of our husbands though do we?

Erm I didn't? Gosh

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/07/2023 21:01

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 20:59

What stupid name were you called?

She was accusing me of calling her a stupid name

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 21:02

If distancing yourself works for you then fair play OP, but why is working on your social skills not an option? If they're just mean (or if your bridges are totally burnt) and you don't want to be slavish, then okay. But if you find you're out of it a lot across different environments, could this be a chance to tune in more and not out?

I actually felt de ja vu reading your posts! LITERALLY, someone I know has also done almost exactly the same as all the listed incidences: waspgate (she really doesn't seem to mind being the center of attention), interrupting with her own news while playing with phone, and being a negative nancy "because everyone else was too" (here's a tip: 1) never be the first one to be make negative comments 2) even if you think you're following someone else's lead, you don't have to chip in THAT enthusiastically 3) finally, never be the last one. Know when everyone else has reined it in).

Mostly no one is going to be honest with her, but once or twice people (some more diplomatic than me) have tried giving her kind advice but her response has been "fine, I'll shut up and not socialise then". Which I don't think is healthy.

She thinks anyone else would have done the same in those social situations – so she feels "damned if I do, damned if I don't". The tricky thing is, when you re-tell those situations, it does sound normal. Sometimes people blurt, sometimes people run from wasps. But if it keeps happening, it's probably self-absorption and a low-level lack of awareness of social cues.

My dilemma with this person (in my family) is that I sound like I'm nitpicking, so I just leave it but it's painful to watch her constantly mildly offend others. That said there are plenty of chaotic and less socially nuanced environments she fits into, so fair play to her as well.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/07/2023 21:02

the elevenerife thing annoyed me because there is nothing worse than a bloke thinking he’s hilarious when he’s basically just copying off something he’s heard others say

Right this is getting very personal. You don't know my DH. You got that from what I said?

fortnumsfinest · 13/07/2023 21:03

Sorry my question was to the op

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 21:03

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/07/2023 20:59

Thank you. I was feeling bullied by that

You basically called me elevenerife - you know you did

OP posts:
BLT24 · 13/07/2023 21:08

What you did was wrong. You need to drop the blaming them and saying their exaggerating things etc. You need to work on building back their trust. Start by taking in some cakes/chocolates apologise again for this incident without blaming them or making any further excuses and start being nice to everyone, listen when they talk/make announcements and be positive about things they are doing.

Bullying is absolutely not acceptable and if it carries on for one more day then regardless if your behaviour was wrong, management need to deal with it.

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 21:09

Sorry I meant my dilemma is that she thinks people dislike her or are off with her for no reason.

I love her and I find it hard to watch, but I find it hard to explain/dissect her behaviour on such a minute level. It just sounds like extreme nitpicking and criticising, because she didn't do anything actually horrible. Her lack of awareness is low level, but constant. That's the tricky part.

momonpurpose · 13/07/2023 21:10

I think from the op replies it makes a lot of sense why the co workers feel the way they do. As you said it's been a running theme in life. Common denominator as my boss would say. Not that she invented the saying hahahaha

LadyVictoriaSponge · 13/07/2023 21:11

BLT24 · 13/07/2023 21:08

What you did was wrong. You need to drop the blaming them and saying their exaggerating things etc. You need to work on building back their trust. Start by taking in some cakes/chocolates apologise again for this incident without blaming them or making any further excuses and start being nice to everyone, listen when they talk/make announcements and be positive about things they are doing.

Bullying is absolutely not acceptable and if it carries on for one more day then regardless if your behaviour was wrong, management need to deal with it.

You left out wearing a hair shirt.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 13/07/2023 21:14

BLT24 · 13/07/2023 21:08

What you did was wrong. You need to drop the blaming them and saying their exaggerating things etc. You need to work on building back their trust. Start by taking in some cakes/chocolates apologise again for this incident without blaming them or making any further excuses and start being nice to everyone, listen when they talk/make announcements and be positive about things they are doing.

Bullying is absolutely not acceptable and if it carries on for one more day then regardless if your behaviour was wrong, management need to deal with it.

Build back their trust? At her worst, OP committed a social faux pas, not stabbed them in the back or kicked their puppy.Confused

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 21:18

Start by taking in some cakes/chocolates apologise again for this incident without blaming them or making any further excuses and start being nice to everyone, listen when they talk/make announcements and be positive about things they are doing.

Bullying is absolutely not acceptable and if it carries on for one more day then regardless if your behaviour was wrong, management need to deal with it.

So…you think she’s being bullied but you also think she should buy them cakes?

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