To think this has moved into bullying territory?

[BurnsBurnsBurns]

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

It sounds like you might have some social communication differences which some people can take very personally. They assume that because you said your news you don’t think their news is very important. People may also assume because you sit separately you think you are too good for them. This may have been exacerbated by the fact you tuned out of the conversation too.

I have one like this I extended family. She automatically says "it's like when I..." sometimes she doesn't even have a relevant story so just tells an irrelevant one!

I agree with this and it sounds very much like 'ganging up'. That wouldn't be tolerated in my organisation because we work closely together. It is very easy though for a thoughtless behaviour to be noticed and, if the ilk of a group is to allow endless gossiping about it to the point that somebody is or feels excluded, then that's the fault of the manager for allowing it.

None of us knows what happened; OP has described the situation in her eyes and understanding. Everything else is down to interpretation and projection of our own experiences.

I think that some women operate a 'collective' and if your face doesn't fit then anything you say and do will be picked apart. That is my experience. Not all women and not all organisations but it's endemic in admin and you wouldn't find the same thing going on in say, a transport garage. Different issues but not this.

I don't know if the OP is awkward or just being made to feel so, but if I were here, I would follow the lead of a colleague I respected (that others in the team also did) and use them as a guide. The rest of the time I would be getting on with my work.

I do think some people are socially cruel - they understand that someone is unintentionally inept, but nevertheless punish them for it.Sometimes, though, it’s more a case of people tolerating it most of the time, but when it gets particularly aggravating or upsetting, they become less tolerant and give a few hurtful “home truths” to the person concerned, on the basis they won’t even try to change their behaviour if they don’t understand it actually is a problem and upsets other people. To be fair, the OP does not seem to have much self-awareness.

Is there, maybe, a smidgeon of truth in it?

It can be hard to reflect on our behaviour when we're called out on it, and sit with what they've said and ask yourself if there's any truth in it.

You say it's not true, but have their been other times when maybe you've cut someone else off when they were talking? Or you said something negative about something that someone else was raving about?

I only say that because maybe these people, although upset about this most recent incident, are generalising to other times when you've done things a bit similar?

So you're admitting you can't find a quote. You've made up your own story to be outraged by 😂😂😂😂

👏

You want specific time thresholds? I can't give you those sorry, social skills don't work like that. If you don't know what's appropriate in a particular situation you could wait for someone else to take the lead and see how it's received.

How do you know it was an over-reaction? You don't know what OP's previous transgressions have been. All you know is her take on things.

So you're admitting you can't find a quote. You've made up your own story to be outraged by.

Thats another ???? from me I’m afraid

@Plbrookes

You want specific time thresholds? I can't give you those sorry, social skills don't work like that. If you don't know what's appropriate in a particular situation you could wait for someone else to take the lead and see how it's received.

No this is my exact point. It's a "how long is a piece of string" issue. There's no approved period of time people are expect to wait to um and ah about a pregnancy before moving onto another topic of discussion. It's not as clear a transgression as some people are making it and particularly because it is by no means clear that the OP was even invited to be part of the discussion in the first place.

I agree that basic emotional intelligence and social skill dictate that it's rude to immediately shift the conversation to yourself in these situations. But this sort of emotional intelligence comes much more easily to some people than others. The OP clearly struggles to read the room in these situations.

I think the OP did display a lack of self-awareness and empathy. But I think the collective behaviour of her colleagues, appointing themselves moral police around this and ostracising her for what is a pretty trivial issue in the scheme of things, is worse.

I think OP could benefit from a lot of self-reflection and a bit of emotional learning here but I also think some of these other people have been pretty nasty about the whole thing and turned it into an unnecessary drama.

You can feign ignorance if you want. I doubt anyone will find it convincing. 😂😂😂😂

I stand by what I said upthread. You have decided (on purpose or not) that the group conversation going on was unimportant/boring/irrelevant and that’s fine, but you’ve then verbally barged in with a massive BLAH that has metaphorically thrown a bucket of water over the flow, etc. What those people then have to do is socially navigate how to get back into a conversation they were all presumably enjoying (about their friend’s pregnancy) without literally saying ‘ANYWAY, back to what we were saying’ which is considered rude. The conversation didn’t come to a natural end, it was interrupted unnecessarily.

If they’ve then got exasperated and cross about it with multiple examples it is likely they have to do this a lot, you just don’t notice it because they are trying to make you feel less of a dick about it, just this time it’s blown up.

And this wasn’t ‘at work’ on work time, it was at lunch and as such people are allowed to be friends with who they like 🤔 they don’t have to include you.

I haven't distorted the facts. You sound like you've invented your own little fairy tale of events.

I work with someone like this. We are both doing slimming world. She questioned me giving up alcohol then bangs on about how she's given up sugar like she's a hero. Tbf I did say well done to her. I get an award, she gets 2. She makes everything about her and I don't think she sees it at all

My husband calls it 'being an elevenrife'. If they've been to Tenerife etc

You can feign ignorance if you want. I doubt anyone will find it convincing

Ignorance about what ?
What am I making up?

Mmm and you're using this thread for your own little spat. Tedious.

Still waiting for your quote from the original post that says the pregnant colleague complained. I've been VERY patient.

So you were wrong but can't admit it. Another one. Disappointing.

That’s a very old saying, your husband didn’t invent it.

I'm not 'another one', I've got no interest in your endless petty posts here. I have no idea what your point is, or was, or if you ever had one. You're just disruptive for the sake of it. Somewhat pertinent for the thread perhaps but tedious all the same.

If you don’t mind me saying so OP that’s a classic example of the sort of comment that would get people’s backs up!

Pointless and unkind oneupmanship. Why on earth is it relevant if this poster’s husband invented it and how does it help to point it out?

I’ve basically been on your side here but if you say stuff like this to your colleagues I get where they are coming from tbh.

I've been VERY patient.

so have I if it’s any conciliation to you

Do you say this kind of thing in the office?

OP if you aren't able to step outside yourself and try to imagine how your behaviour comes across to other people the next best thing is to get some honest feedback from someone you trust.