To think this has moved into bullying territory?

[BurnsBurnsBurns]

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

If this was a post by someone saying 'my pregnancy announcement was ruined by colleague' she'd be told to catch a bloody grip and that the world doesn't revolve around the OP and her pregnancy.

The woman in question is being precious and ridiculous, who the hell does a big pregnancy announcement at work? I don't even do that with my friends and family. How embarrassing and self centred can you get!

Ugh I work with 2 people like this.

Anything, and i mean anything you say is turned around to enable them to talk about themselves.

It's one of my absolute pet hates.

That seems to me the most likely interpretation. Especially if it's the sort of workplace where arguments and complaints are frequent.

Who needs to “announce” a pregnancy anyway? I didn’t make or expect a huge fuss or to be the centre of everyone’s attention when I told my colleagues I was pregnant, I just… told them.

Well, we negotiate our boundaries and acceptable behaviours all the time. My closest work friend (female, similar age) could joke to me about things that would be entirely unwanted and inappropriate if it was from a 21 year old man new to the office. He's not being targeted.

But what can you do about human nature? Demand that everyone is equally popular?

You can't beat human/group psychology into the shape you wish it to be in. There will always be popular people and less popular people. I'm the latter, and I'm fine with that.

We all have to find our own places in groups. And sometimes – not always – unpopularity is a helpful social signal that we might need to reconsider our behaviours.

Which is what happened in this situation. OP used the word 'announced' and people invented this story of the organisation coming to a halt as the CEO took the stage to deliver a speech and the Media Team issuing a press statement.

Not equally popular, no, but that in a workplace, where people are paid to be and don't get a choice in colleagues, that popularity doesn't dictate who is allowed to get away with certain things, and who is listened to over others. I get that it's a very difficult challenge, hence why I said I don't know if we ever will get to a point where workplaces are spaces where everyone can thrive and deliver their best potential. I think it's lazy though (sorry) to fall back on the "well, it's human nature". We've come so far in social acceptance and understanding through challenging the less fair parts of human nature, and I think it's good to keep talking and keep sharing the negative effects of excluding certain people.

I also agree with the PP who talked about how certain “in” people can get away with certain self centred behaviours that “out” people can’t.

There’s an implied hierarchy of importance here where the colleague who announced the pregnancy is higher in the pecking order than the OP and her pregnancy “announcement” is expected to be prioritised over the news on the OP’s house purchase.

As I’ve said before I think the OP’s reaction was tactless and lacking in self-awareness but I think most of the reaction is down to a collective sense of “stay in your lane”. The OP isn’t considered high status in this organisation for whatever reason and her sudden derailment of the pregnancy announcement was perceived by the rest of the group as being uppity or lacking a sense of her “place”.

I don’t think this is bullying and I think the OP in part has herself to blame but I think this is basically nasty status jockeying.

The OP did not, as I understand, change the topic at all! She was not involved in the conversation at that point. She was on her phone, and made a noise which disturbed the people in the conversation.

A bit thoughtless of her (I wonder whether, like many of us, she'd got used during the pandemic to working on her own and not having to worry about disturbing nearby colleagues) but not a matter of changing, or even being involved in, the conversation at all!

The fact it keeps happening and everyone is off with you says everything... if EVERYONE is against you rarely is it everyone else thats wrong.

If these were independent incidents with unrelated people, this would be true.

But if one group of people in a particular location are acting together and ganging up, then it becomes the behaviour of one group, not lots of individuals, and they could all be wrong or at least very disproportionately harsh.

But what is not clear to me is: was it really 'everyone' or at least a large group who complained, or was it one or two people claiming to speak for everyone?

No, I think you're wrong. If someone has just announced something major it's basic social skills to allow them to be the focus of attention for a time. During that time you avoid trying to become the focus of attention yourself. And when it's your turn for the big announcement, you get your fair share of attention. So everyone feels valued rather than just the loudmouth who barges ahead of everyone.

That's the problem though. If you're low status, people ascribe the worst possible motivations to you - eg selfish, deliberate attention-seeking instead of social clumsiness and inattention.

@Plbrookes

If someone has just announced something major it's basic social skills to allow them to be the focus of attention for a time.

But for how much time though and whose job is it to police this?

Should someone announcing a pregnancy have an expectation of five minutes airtime? Or 15? Or an hour? And what should the sanction be for a breach?

I mean I don’t disagree with you in principle but I think there’s something quite nasty and controlling about the collective over-reaction and an attempt to almost criminalise what was ultimately just a minor and victimless bit of thoughtless behaviour.

You sound about 14.

You sound about 14.

And you sound unkind.

at some point, people need to grow up and act like professional grown-up at work.

Well I’m not the one who is terming other people as ‘low status’ like I’m at school.

I look for the good in everyone I meet, get on with the vast majority and people generally like me.

If you think I’m the unkind one then 👍🏻

Ooft I manage someone like you. Total nightmare. She has done almost exactly the things you've done. It's led to her being very excluded.

She complained to me that the team were going for lunch without her etc., but lunch is their own time, I can't dictate who they do and don't invite.

I recommended some trainings for her on social cues and she has done them, but it has made no difference. She works a 9 day fortnight and people only ever make announcements on her day off.

I have no suggestions as I haven't found anything that works, but following the thread in the hope someone can suggest something.

In your case, as it's not a first time offence, they've probably written you off already. If just get on with the job and accept you're not friends with these people.

I look for the good in everyone I meet

But online you skip straight to telling people whose opinions you disagree with that they’re 14?

@Teateaandmoretea I was describing my own experience of over a decade in the workplace as an autistic woman. You could have refuted my point but you just made a jibe.

I should admittedly probably have put low status in quotation marks. That's not how I see people. But it is a social phenomenon, as others have also discussed upthread.

The problem is, you are far more likely to be low status if you are inattentive and socially clumsy, because social status is linked to social skills. Getting bored of a group conversation before everyone else, playing on your phone in front of them to make it obvious you are bored with their conversation now and have stopped paying attention, and then interrupting the conversation mid-flow to tell everyone all about yourself and your news, is definitely socially inept.

No, they didn't. Not any more than you taking the 'facts' and distorting them for reasons unknown.

Pregnant colleague is entitled to tell her news. OP congratulated and moved on whilst group carried on talking about pregnancy. OP didn't and doesn't deserve to be pilloried.

The problem is, you are far more likely to be low status if you are inattentive and socially clumsy, because social status is linked to social skills. Getting bored of a group conversation before everyone else, playing on your phone in front of them to make it obvious you are bored with their conversation now and have stopped paying attention, and then interrupting the conversation mid-flow to tell everyone all about yourself and your news, is definitely socially inept.

This is all true, certainly, but people don't choose to be socially inept and often can't help it, although of course self-awareness and trying to mitigate it a bit in the workplace is a useful behaviour.