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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this has moved into bullying territory?

808 replies

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 06:18

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 13/07/2023 14:40

I think it depends to some extent how much you were implicitly included in the invocation to listen when the person said she had something to say. Did she have a reasonable expectation that you were included in that?

I think if she felt you were included in this discussion then your behaviour was thoughtless and a bit inappropriate. I think you could have sat on your excitement a bit and brought it up when the person announcing the pregnancy had had her moment in the sun.

But it does sort of feel you weren’t 100% invited into the discussion and I think they can’t both exclude you and also expect you to totally respect the rules of the group.

Original poster
BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 14:40

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 14:37

So you knew very well the focus was on your colleague, and were even part of the initial conversation (not what you claimed initially) and then diverted attention to you?

Show quote history

I’d zoned out of the conversation once I’d congratulated her. I suppose I just forgot it was still ongoing

OP posts:
Humidititties · 13/07/2023 14:40

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 14:37

So you knew very well the focus was on your colleague, and were even part of the initial conversation (not what you claimed initially) and then diverted attention to you?

Show quote history

So what? OP clearly stated she had moved on from the conversation when she received the text, how long should she have kept quiet for? 5 mins, an hour, the rest of the day?

crochetmonkey74 · 13/07/2023 14:41

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/07/2023 13:57

@crochetmonkey74

I think the pedantry on MN over semantics is the problem . Pregnancy 'announcement' is a perfectly normal way to explain telling people you are pregnant. The use of the word announcement here does not mean that they gathered everyone and did a formal announcement/ proclamation.

But if it was an informal announcement to a group of friends (which by implication the OP wasn’t included in), all the weirder that they took umbrage at her sudden switch of conversation topic from afar.

It’s one thing if someone is making a formal announcement to colleagues to require attention but this strikes me as a greyer area. Some of these colleagues seem to want to have it both ways: they both don’t include the OP in their discussions but they want to police her behaviour on the fringes of that conversation.

If they were having a little chat which the OP wasn’t party to and she randomly shouted out this comment about the house I can see it’s a bit weird and inappropriate but it’s not as if they had invited into the discussion anyway? So while I do think her behaviour was not helpful I think it’s a bit of a cheek for them to say she was being rude to the person making the “announcement”. They sound very bitchy and controlling.

hmmm dunno

My similar colleague just always has to draw attention away from whatever nice is going on, almost like derailing anything nice and its always an 'accident' or 'involuntary' so it very much grates as she doesn't seem to interrupt anything average or boring- like training (nothing accidental or involuntary ever happens then, but in cases where someone is happy or receiving attention, it happens

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 14:42

So you knew very well the focus was on your colleague, and were even part of the initial conversation (not what you claimed initially) and then diverted attention to you?

I’m not being funny but does it really matter if you’re suddenly not the focus of everyone’s attention? I mean it’s a shame but you haven’t exactly been wronged have you?

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 14:42

Humidititties · 13/07/2023 14:40

So what? OP clearly stated she had moved on from the conversation when she received the text, how long should she have kept quiet for? 5 mins, an hour, the rest of the day?

Show quote history

A conversation was going on, and OP changed the topic to herself.

The more appropriate thing is to wait until the initial topic has ended before changing it unilaterally because you want to make it about you.

Banjojo · 13/07/2023 14:43

Now that it’s been described in more detail, it seems they are being unreasonable. You’d congratulated the pregnant colleague, then as the conversation continued, you got some happy news you’d been waiting for. Yes, you probably should have just cheered inwardly instead of “interrupting” their chat but it was a minor faux pas and you’ve already apologised. You didn’t mean any harm. They all need to move on now and not be petty about it.

JudgeAnderson · 13/07/2023 14:44

Yes this is a theme for me going right back to primary school.

OP your posts are hugely pinging my ASD radar (which is why I'm finding many of the responses so upsetting).

Have you ever done any questionaires like the below?

https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test

Online Test for Adult Autism | Clinical Partners

The following online test may be useful to understand if you are experiencing some of the common behaviours and thoughts associated with adult autism.

https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test

CandlelightGlow · 13/07/2023 14:44

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 14:37

So you knew very well the focus was on your colleague, and were even part of the initial conversation (not what you claimed initially) and then diverted attention to you?

Show quote history

Yeah, and it's sounding more and more intentional.

Colleague announces pregnancy. OP says congrats like everyone else but drops out of the actual conversation, only to dip back in with their own news.

Obviously we all slip up sometimes though. I could be projecting because I have dealt with someone who is an overshadower/completely self absorbed to the point where when I lost my dad when I was 27 their primary response was to talk extensively about the loss of their own dad, I couldn't even get a word in edgeways (not that I wanted to).

I'm sure every person who acts like that doesn't perceive themselves in a negative way so I expect many of them would make posts like this when they sense they are being perceived negatively.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 13/07/2023 14:45

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 14:39

Yes this is a theme for me going right back to primary school.

Show quote history

This isn't nice and very childish. I couldn't make one person feel like that.

CandlelightGlow · 13/07/2023 14:46

I do apologise if the OP is neurodiverse but I am also aware that ND people tend to find it quite insulting if ND is the default reason given to excuse any negative behaviour so am just trying to be aware of that.

GrinAndVomit · 13/07/2023 14:47

BurnsBurnsBurns · 13/07/2023 14:28

It’s a large table made up of 4 tables if that makes sense. The others were all sat around table 1 and 2 whereas I was sat opposite them all on table 4.

colleague was started to say she had something to tell everyone, I listened in and she said she was pregnant. Everyone started congratulating her (including me) and then a discussion took off around the subject. At this point I went back to doing my own thing and then received a text. I got excited as I had been waiting for this text all day. I blurted out as soon as I read it without thinking.

Show quote history

Yeah I really don’t think you did anything wrong.
They sound insufferable but it sounds like office culture so ignore and get on with your work. Sod them.
Keep an eye out for a new job.

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2023 14:47

When I ‘announced’ my pregnancy at work a guy in the team announced his partner’s pregnancy too.

I was just really happy for him and his partner.

He apologised later and said he was overexcited and his partner was mortified.

How much of an attention seeker do you need to be to ‘announce’ a pregnancy anyway? I think it weird to think anyone cares as much about a pregnancy as the couple in question.

They sound horrid OP and have got a problem with you for whatever reason.

Excited101 · 13/07/2023 14:49

I would be fascinated to hear their side of the story… my bet is that this was the straw that broke the camels back- I know at least one person like this and it’s not the ‘big’ things that’s the problem/ if anyone else did them it would be fine. It’s the constant silly noises, attention seeking, little comments, self centredness. It’s the annoying references of things no one cares about and lack of interest in others lives. Now none of us know if you’re like that op, but have a really good think if you might be.

tattygrl · 13/07/2023 14:58

BackAgainHere · 13/07/2023 13:07

I've rejoined just to back up what a previous poster said.

I agree some of the things might be perceived as a "bit" annoying or not social etiquette.

But it's not affecting anyone beyond a few seconds!

If you were walking across the room/getting into people's personal space/harasssing your pregnant colleague by message/demanding money and time..but you're not?

Often "ambiguous behaviour" is used to target one person and Other them.

If Person A does it, its fine - its a joke or "who they are".

Or someone will do or say something to smooth things over or reinforce they are part of the "in-group".

If Person B does it, it warrants ignoring and tutting and them being "corrected".

(person B often is the one who is non-white, not NT, easy designated group scapegoat).

As a non-white woman I've definitely learned the hard way to not try to "banter"/be 100% socially relaxed in environments as what I do has often been interpreted in the most unpleasant way possible.

Some tall white guy (not even a permanent office member) says something - others hangs onto his every word.

I try to join in - no one makes eye contact and pretend they can't hear unless I get up and repeat myself (and then I'm "annoying" or "aggressive" or "attention-seeking").

In the Office Hierarchy, some people like highlighting others are "beneath them" or "undesirable" (or invisible unless a favour is required of them. Or if "desirable" people aren't turning up then suddenly the Undesirable People are OK to socialise with).

Agree with pp who said keep yourself to yourself, grey rock, and find a quiet social strategy to detach from this group and practice self-care and just focus on your own wellbeing and goals.

Take care OP.

This is so perfectly written and sums up exactly what goes on. And sadly, people who have never been on the receiving end of not being an "in" person will probably never understand, and will dismiss accounts like this as over-reaction or oversensitivity. Bravo, @BackAgainHere, for wording this so well and giving an insight into what it's like not being one of the people naturally included and accepted.

lieselotte · 13/07/2023 15:04

Colleague says I'm pregnant. Everyone says how lovely, including the OP - conversation continues.

A few minutes later OP says "I've got nice news too, I am buying a house"

Everyone gets offended.

Seriously? OP I think you need to find a different job with more mature people.

Plbrookes · 13/07/2023 15:06

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 13:30

No you haven't. You've provided a quote saying that a complaint was made but not one that says it was the pregnant colleague. Which is strange, because you were falling over yourself to mock me for pointing out that OP had never said that. It's almost as if you were wrong but don't want to admit it.

well I don’t think I am wrong. I mean who else is going to complain? If the pregnant colleague wasn’t upset then what’s the problem 🤷‍♀️

You might not think you were wrong. That doesn't change the fact that you were wrong. 😂. You should have read the OP properly before posting a snide comment.

lieselotte · 13/07/2023 15:06

@BackAgainHere very well written and insightful post.

I doubt a lot of the people on this thread will listen to you, but I would like to think that they would, and learn something from it.

It reminds me of the time I read that "important" people in the office speak slowly because they know people will listen to them. Everyone else speaks quickly to get what they want to say out before people turn away from them. They don't even know they are doing it.

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 15:10

You might not think you were wrong. That doesn't change the fact that you were wrong.

No I wasn’t 🙃

FlippingAndFlopping · 13/07/2023 15:11

That is a great post @BackAgainHere

And if it's not based on ethnicity, it's attractiveness, accent, who you know, how naturally confident you are. if you are different, disabled, not attractive, insecure, you are far down in the pecking order.

I would say it's like this among the school gate crowd too, in any social setting really.

You can beat it with confidence though.

Humidititties · 13/07/2023 15:12

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 14:42

A conversation was going on, and OP changed the topic to herself.

The more appropriate thing is to wait until the initial topic has ended before changing it unilaterally because you want to make it about you.

Show quote history

No she didn't, she had left the conversation and wasn't talking to anyone but herself when she got the text

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 15:12

Often "ambiguous behaviour" is used to target one person and Other them.

If Person A does it, its fine - its a joke or "who they are".

Or someone will do or say something to smooth things over or reinforce they are part of the "in-group".

If Person B does it, it warrants ignoring and tutting and them being "corrected"

I think this is a fair point. Whether a behaviour is acceptable or a dreadful faux pas often depends on who’s doing it. Group dynamics gave a lot to answer for.

tattygrl · 13/07/2023 15:17

lieselotte · 13/07/2023 15:06

@BackAgainHere very well written and insightful post.

I doubt a lot of the people on this thread will listen to you, but I would like to think that they would, and learn something from it.

It reminds me of the time I read that "important" people in the office speak slowly because they know people will listen to them. Everyone else speaks quickly to get what they want to say out before people turn away from them. They don't even know they are doing it.

100%!!! God, my stomach sinks looking back on how familiar this is. The people who can lounge back, ponderously getting their thoughts and opinions out, confident in the knowledge they're being listened to - then others rushing to get their point out as quickly as possible before everyone turns away to listen to someone more popular.

There is a hell of a long way to go to make workplaces accepting and supportive places for the wide range of people that exist. I wonder if it will ever truly happen. All the "be kind"s and bullying workshops will never open some peoples' eyes.

Plbrookes · 13/07/2023 15:17

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 15:10

You might not think you were wrong. That doesn't change the fact that you were wrong.

No I wasn’t 🙃

Still waiting for the quote which shows the pregnant colleague complained 😂😂😂😂.

Sugaristheenemy · 13/07/2023 15:19

Still waiting for the quote which shows the pregnant colleague complained 😂😂😂😂.

still wondering what you think the point of this thread is if she didn’t