To think this has moved into bullying territory?

[BurnsBurnsBurns]

On Tuesday I was accused of ruining a colleague’s pregnancy announcement. I of course apologised at the time but they wouldn’t let it go and started bringing up various times that I’ve apparently ruined other people’s “news”. I have spoken to my manager who has suggested I just get on with my work and let it all settle down but the atmosphere is now awful. Yesterday everyone was being really off with me all day and today I really can’t face going in. I’ve apologised, it wasn’t done on purpose or with malicious intent so AIbU to think if they continue with this it is actually verging on bullying now? I really don’t want to go in today :-(

Shes clearly asking for you to quote where the OP said it was the pregnant colleague had complained. It’s quite obvious what’s she asking

I’ve already done that

@BurnsBurnsBurns I don't agree that this is bullying.

Your feelings are valid but so are your work mates. You have a lack of self awareness and social cues and have been cutting in, being negative or attention seeking even if it wasn't done consciously and they've had enough and called you out.

In your shoes, i'd make an apology to the group of 5 who highlighted this to you. You didn't mean to do it and you weren't aware this was an issue but now they have told you, you will do your best to stop it and thank them for letting you know.

This in turn will show them it WAS an accident and that you are not being a deliberate attention grabber. You just get over excited sometimes.

You should also apologise to the new mum-to-be. Ask her questions (nicely) like when she is due and compliment her ("you'll be such a great mum") to sooth over the hurt feelings and anger. DO NOT regale her with tales of pregnancy gone wrong and all the bad things. She doesn't want to hear that. Positive only.

End of the day, when we do something or behave in a manner that causes hurt and offence, we should own up to it and make amends not try to justify or refute what we did when faced with it being brought up by multiple people.

This wasn't just one person who has brought this to your attention - it's an entire team. YOU are the issue, not them and unless you take steps to be better, you will be the pariah because they sound like they've had enough and aren't willing to tip toe around the issue of you anymore.

The quote states “they”, which is ambiguous, but I inferred it meant the office staff are continuing the bad feeling by ignoring the OP, rather than the pregnant woman complaining.

I can see both sides of this. You sound very lacking in self awareness and a bit of a conversation topper and it will help you a lot to learn the value of empathy and listening to others in social situations as opposed to jumping in feet first with another opinion or anecdote.

The blurting out of the news about your house offer to no one in particular sounds very odd. I can’t believe at some level you weren’t trying to make yourself the centre of attention. If you genuinely thought no one was listening why would you bother?

On the other hand I do find the culture you describe of people formally “announcing” news such as a pregnancy to peers absolutely bizarre and a bit controlling. It does seem that certain colleagues are seeking to police reactions to behaviour and identify right and wrong ways to behave. And no doubt there are some individuals who are the self appointed “mood police” which in itself is cliquish and micromanaging. It sounds like people don’t have enough to do.

I think all you can do is apologise to the person concerned, try your best to be a bit more empathetic and sensitive and just keep your head down.

I really agree with this. There's such an appetite for pointless fanfare-ing of everything. Preganancy is happy news but it doesn't need a bloody formal announcement.

OP, you've apologised. Let it lie. Maybe take yourself out the room when you feel a bit overwhelmed, before you say anything at all. That's what I would do. Congrats on the house.

I think colleagues telling other colleagues they are pregnant and getting congratulated or sharing that they are going on holiday and having a chat about it is classed as normal human behaviour - but on mn it makes you a lazy weirdo who doesn't do their job properly.

Just today I have chatted to a colleague about their summer plans and also talked to another one about some nice handcream she has bought. according to mn I'll be up for a disciplinary later

It sounds like they are all a bit fed up of your lack of social awareness. It sounds like you need to admit to yourself this aspect needs work and that it has an impact on others.

WHERE did the OP describe a "formal announcement"?

She interrupted a private conversation, and people told her it was rude. She then went to complain to her manager who told her to get on with her work.

Talk about being a drama llama.

crochetmonkey but do they 'make announcements' or is it as you've said, chatting with a colleague about Summer plans or nice handcream? World of difference and I think you know there is.

Ha! Long term ivfer here who detests pregnancy announcements

I would of loved to have been there. Good on you!
And people are so bloody precious about announcing their pregnancies too. Often with no consideration that pregnancy is so triggering for so many women for many reasons.

When I eventually was pregnant after a 10 year journey I never 'announced' it and just told people when they asked.

So don't feel bad she sounds like a right prima Donna
Congrats on your house too

It sounds like maybe there have been a few minor things that have irritated them so now anything on top of that will get to them. Like when you dislike someone and any tiny thing they do makes you rage when it wouldn't if anyone else did it.
That doesn't make it okay and you shouldn't be feeling bullied. You've apologised so I'd just let it die down now. Perhaps time to be a bit reflective about how your behaviour can be interpreted.

I went by OP's first post in which she talks about a 'pregnancy announcement'.

If it was a discussion between a group of women not involving OP then OP's outcry shouldn't have had that much impact. I was picturing pregnant colleague standing at the front of a large group, making an announcement such as been the fuss on the thread.

I've suggested what OP needs to do in future, exit the room, quiet congrats afterwards, no need to engage in a group.

The drama llamas are definitely on the thread though and it is time they all got back to work at OP's place and stopped looking for something to froth about.

It's the OP who described the scene as a conversation going on in the background. There were 5 people talking about it, I was sat a bit further away eating my lunch and on my phone.

So yes, maybe an announcement, but obviously private enough and without need for random interruption, which - again according to the OP - she is famous for!

I think the pedantry on MN over semantics is the problem . Pregnancy 'announcement' is a perfectly normal way to explain telling people you are pregnant. The use of the word announcement here does not mean that they gathered everyone and did a formal announcement/ proclamation.

Yes

So why the furore over it being “interrupted” and spoilt then?
If it’s just someone sharing a bit of news with friends, why is the office freezing out OP for “ruining the announcement”?

See, I'm not sure I agree with this. I'd say these things are all relative: pregnancy announcement important to colleague, house news important to OP. Unless 'social top trumps' is now a thing... 🤔

The manager told her to get on with her work and that means don't take no notice. They others in the office sound like attention seekers and will do anything to get out of work.

I'm sorry but is your office staffed by 8 year olds? this seems a ridiculous over reaction on their part. just ignore them and if they harass you again, square your shoulders and say that you have sincerely apologised and you are not sure why they keep bringing it up. then keep them at arms length.

I think that people should be more tolerant across the board. OP isn't 'famous' for having outbursts and, should she put a label on that behaviour, this subsequent bullying behaviour from colleagues would come to an end very quickly. That is the world we live in now.

I think some women do enjoy making a fuss of themselves and their friends regarding pregnancy and baby showers and the like. All fine but, in the workplace there are different rules. I wasn't there, wouldn't have interrupted but OP did. OP needs to find a way of dealing with her feelings so that she doesn't encroach and by the same token, her colleagues need to stop ganging up after the fact.

This was a complete non-event and other than a tut/eye-roll or 'wind your neck in', nothing else needed to be said. I suspect colleague who has made it a 'thing' and keeps score of OP's foibles, will carry on looking for them. That HR door swings both ways (if it even opens).

Would you notice what was going on around you if you had your face in your phone and lunch I wouldn't?

No you haven't. You've provided a quote saying that a complaint was made but not one that says it was the pregnant colleague. Which is strange, because you were falling over yourself to mock me for pointing out that OP had never said that. It's almost as if you were wrong but don't want to admit it. 😂😂😂😂

She noticed enough to hear they were talking about pregnancy 😂

I've rejoined just to back up what a previous poster said.

I agree some of the things might be perceived as a "bit" annoying or not social etiquette.

But it's not affecting anyone beyond a few seconds!

If you were walking across the room/getting into people's personal space/harasssing your pregnant colleague by message/demanding money and time..but you're not?

Often "ambiguous behaviour" is used to target one person and Other them.

If Person A does it, its fine - its a joke or "who they are".

Or someone will do or say something to smooth things over or reinforce they are part of the "in-group".

If Person B does it, it warrants ignoring and tutting and them being "corrected".

(person B often is the one who is non-white, not NT, easy designated group scapegoat).

As a non-white woman I've definitely learned the hard way to not try to "banter"/be 100% socially relaxed in environments as what I do has often been interpreted in the most unpleasant way possible.

Some tall white guy (not even a permanent office member) says something - others hangs onto his every word.

I try to join in - no one makes eye contact and pretend they can't hear unless I get up and repeat myself (and then I'm "annoying" or "aggressive" or "attention-seeking").

In the Office Hierarchy, some people like highlighting others are "beneath them" or "undesirable" (or invisible unless a favour is required of them. Or if "desirable" people aren't turning up then suddenly the Undesirable People are OK to socialise with).

Agree with pp who said keep yourself to yourself, grey rock, and find a quiet social strategy to detach from this group and practice self-care and just focus on your own wellbeing and goals.

Take care OP.

Being fed up with a colleague in the privacy of your own mind is not bullying. A group of people being visibly fed up with a colleague to the point of being 'off' with her may well be, depending on what is meant by 'off'. Withholding courtesies, exclusion from conversation, gossip about her could all be deemed bullying at work.
I doubt anyone who's ever worked has never had an annoying colleague, but provided their behaviour doesn't breech policy or interfere with your ability to do your job, thats tough. You can't all group together to all demonstrate how fed up with them you are because they ruined your chat. It's not a social group and professional courtesy is required.