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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update- My boyfriends family member paid for everyone’s ice cream, AIBU for being upset that bf didn’t say anything

166 replies

Redrose28 · 12/07/2023 22:48

Hi all, I recently made a post about an outing with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, where we all got ice creams and the sisters boyfriend paid for everyone except mine.

I bought it up with my boyfriend calmly. He told me that what happened was: I offered to pay for my boyfriend, and the sisters boyfriend offered a few seconds later as he hadn’t heard me. For some reason, my boyfriend thought I wouldn’t want him to pay for me so didn’t suggest paying for me, and instead accepted the sisters boyfriends suggestion of paying. My boyfriend then defended the sisters boyfriend, saying that he didn’t consider it rude towards me, the sisters boyfriend wanted to pay him back for things my boyfriend has done for him.

That’s quite confusing but hope it makes some sense!

So my boyfriend essentially thought the situation was not rude in any way. I can see his point of view, at the same time not feeling that he understands my point of view in any way doesn’t feel great.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Caramelatt · 13/07/2023 10:40

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 09:39

Strange conclusion! I love treating others, and easily would to a sit down meal in a cafe or restaurant.

But it's not really a thing in my circle to make a huge treat round of buying each other a Solero or Cornetto or kebab or whatnot – we're in our 20s/30s, an ice cream or kebab is vv cheap, everyone has their own preferences about ordering/flavours/even paying, plus ordering when out (eg summer, hot day, park) is always a messy affair, etc.

I would definitely buy a lovely chocolate ice cream for a child, or a solo companion I was with. But I wouldn't really interpret not buying a round of ice cream in the same sense as I would not buying a round of drinks or getting the bill once in a while.

Maybe people in my circle are the weird ones, but I honestly feel like the ones obsessing over the lack of a free ice cream are the Scrooges? Yes I know it's not about the money, but it just seems really petty to not view it as an oversight – like how little children fight about who the teacher gave out ice cream to.

Show quote history

Yours was also strange conclusion but I guess we only notice that in others

CallieQ · 13/07/2023 10:42

LittleMonks11 · 12/07/2023 23:00

It's just one Cornetto

This

First world problems!

LadyLapsang · 13/07/2023 10:49

Have you considered that your actions could be considered equally rude by just offering to pay for an ice cream for your boyfriend and ignoring the other people in the group?

Kimchikitchen · 13/07/2023 10:51

I want to know more about you OP! How old are you for a start?!

Familycourtdrama · 13/07/2023 10:52

OMG, please get over this.

Kimchikitchen · 13/07/2023 10:55

Oh and how long you have been together?!

Kimchikitchen · 13/07/2023 10:57

Redrose28 · 11/07/2023 23:52
Thanks for the comments all. My boyfriend has gone away for 3 weeks. So maybe if we have a phone call at some point I will try to bring it up calmly and gauge his reaction

so he’s actually away at the moment. And you’re festering about this?

WhiteStripePipe · 13/07/2023 11:06

This is just a nothing thing and a misunderstanding. Let it go man.

Iloveringos · 13/07/2023 11:24

LittleMonks11 · 12/07/2023 23:00

It's just one Cornetto

🤣🤣🤣

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 13:33

@Caramelatt 🤣🤣🤣 funnily enough, I was wondering if it was a middle aged / maternal thing to make a big fuss about treating everyone to a Cornetto like they're babies. Plus, young people (in cities at least) tend to pay our own way on casual trips.

I'm her age (bit older though) and I literally can't think of a single person who would sulk / obsess this long over an ice cream lol

spir1t · 13/07/2023 13:39

Op, I have not rtft of 'ice cream gate.' I totally get your point though - what your BF did here is rude, ungentlemanly and just off. Have you been with him long? Can you be bothered?

Caramelatt · 13/07/2023 13:44

Kimchikitchen · 13/07/2023 11:11

Mumsnet is weird, on one hand posters are so concerned about young people being bullied and yhe power imbalance between young and older person, but then go on making a 22 year old poster feel bad about themselves and digging up their past threads to make fun of them. Clearly OP is very young and her BF is a bit weird to say the least. In the current thread he comes across thoughtless, OP has said it is not about ice-cream. I am sure he has some redeeming qualities that they are together but what's wrong with her to post her about her relationship issues, do they always have to be about middle age women?

Caramelatt · 13/07/2023 13:46

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 13:33

@Caramelatt 🤣🤣🤣 funnily enough, I was wondering if it was a middle aged / maternal thing to make a big fuss about treating everyone to a Cornetto like they're babies. Plus, young people (in cities at least) tend to pay our own way on casual trips.

I'm her age (bit older though) and I literally can't think of a single person who would sulk / obsess this long over an ice cream lol

Good for you 👍

Noone is obsessing over ice cream, it is the thoughtlessness of her boyfriend what is bothering her.

Gladreel · 13/07/2023 13:47

I'll send you £2 OP, that ought to cover it and hopefully put an end to the saga. 😂

Caramelatt · 13/07/2023 13:49

Gladreel · 13/07/2023 13:47

I'll send you £2 OP, that ought to cover it and hopefully put an end to the saga. 😂

Seriously, is that what you got out of Op's posts?

Caramelatt · 13/07/2023 13:50

This is supposed to be a support website, not a platform to make fun of posters. How much you need to make OP bad about herself?

Lambiriyani · 13/07/2023 14:59

Can Mumsnet HQ check this isn't a wind up and the OP is legit?

DismantledKing · 13/07/2023 15:01

Lambiriyani · 13/07/2023 14:59

Can Mumsnet HQ check this isn't a wind up and the OP is legit?

You can report the thread if you want to.

Seryse · 13/07/2023 15:05

I still want to know what ice cream it was. Stupid diet has me fixating now.

Twotwinpeaks · 13/07/2023 15:07

I wouldn’t melt over this. You’re being a bit of a flake here. 🍦

cpphelp · 13/07/2023 15:08

I think you're all very very childish. You'll cringe on this in the future

Squiggo · 13/07/2023 15:08

My 5 year old would be most upset if she wasn’t bought an ice cream.

MumGMT · 13/07/2023 15:10

@MissedItByThisMuch

why do I need to direct insight and empathy to the others in the group? What “injury” has been done to them? If the sister’s bf couldn’t afford an ice cream for the OP he should have just bought his and his girlfriend’s.

Because that's literally part of how it all works. Empathy and insight doesn't mean you just agree with all a persons worst feelings and attribute negative meanings to the other people and make it sound worse than it was. There's a time and place for that kind of empathy (ie a friend ranting about a break up, let them rant, tell them yes their ex was a prick).....but over this kind of issue it can be harmful, to try to make out oh yes this is all so terrible and has loads of hidden meaning. Doing that can fuel anxiety and overthinking about stuff which often isn't a big deal.

The OP wasn't 'injured' but if you want to put it that way then I can see how other people in the group may feel shit afterwards and 'injured', not just the OP The boyfriend could have been upset that his girlfriend was questioning him over it and making out he did something wrong when he didn't.

I'm someone who always 'defends' people if something bad is done or said, so to be accused of not doing it when I didn't think anyone did anything wrong, and to be questioned about why etc would be upsetting.

The boyfriends brother might have felt shit over it afterwards thinking it accidentally caused an argument or upset someone or wondering if he looked bad even though it was just a misunderstanding and he was literally just paying OPs boyfriend back and didn't intend to make it look like "oh these ice creams are my treat....but not for you OP".

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/07/2023 15:13

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 13:33

@Caramelatt 🤣🤣🤣 funnily enough, I was wondering if it was a middle aged / maternal thing to make a big fuss about treating everyone to a Cornetto like they're babies. Plus, young people (in cities at least) tend to pay our own way on casual trips.

I'm her age (bit older though) and I literally can't think of a single person who would sulk / obsess this long over an ice cream lol

Then you won't understand because you have no experience. Sil and bil may not like her or have an opinion of her. Why pay for 3 when there is 4 people there it does look deliberate. I wouldn't behave like the sister boyfriend if there is 4 of us and I offer to buy them something on me I will buy for everyone.