Update- My boyfriends family member paid for everyone’s ice cream, AIBU for being upset that bf didn’t say anything

[Redrose28]

Hi all, I recently made a post about an outing with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, where we all got ice creams and the sisters boyfriend paid for everyone except mine.

I bought it up with my boyfriend calmly. He told me that what happened was: I offered to pay for my boyfriend, and the sisters boyfriend offered a few seconds later as he hadn’t heard me. For some reason, my boyfriend thought I wouldn’t want him to pay for me so didn’t suggest paying for me, and instead accepted the sisters boyfriends suggestion of paying. My boyfriend then defended the sisters boyfriend, saying that he didn’t consider it rude towards me, the sisters boyfriend wanted to pay him back for things my boyfriend has done for him.

That’s quite confusing but hope it makes some sense!

So my boyfriend essentially thought the situation was not rude in any way. I can see his point of view, at the same time not feeling that he understands my point of view in any way doesn’t feel great.

Am I being unreasonable here?

I do say so.

Why indeed. But it’s either that or an inability to recognise rudeness unless it’s accompanied by a direct insult.

Think it’s just time to move on from such a trivial issue. Sounds like you’ve talked about it and in part it was miscommunication in the moment. I’d hope your bf has heard your view and will think a little more in the future

I agree with every word of this.

It’s easy to see how so many women end up in shit relationships, when other women scold them for not liking selfish and uncaring behaviour that the man holds fast on being unapologetic for. Just one cornetto too, my arse.

I applaud OP for instinctively knowing this behaviour was wrong, despite being presumably younger than the scolders on here.

I love updates OP 😊

Well done for speaking to him about it. Most people get that it’s not about the ice cream.

Now you’ve seen this behaviour, you can be on the look out. Are you paying more for meals out than him? Are you the one making a fuss on his birthdays whilst he makes minimal effort on yours? Are you the one cooking for him whilst he comes over with no contribution?

Hi Op, it sounds to me like you are all quite young but maybe you are the more mature of the group? I can't imagine anyone I know wanting to buy someone an ice cream over owing them some money or excluding once person from a group, it is rude, but it reminds me a but of being very skint at uni and counting every penny and I imagine that might be mindset of these 'boys'. I use the word boys because that's what I think the issue is, you are ready for a more grown up, serious relationship and your boyfriend isn't there yet. If you enjoy hanging out with him then carry on but my advice would be to cast your net a bit wider.

He's not the one. OK, it's just an ice cream. But I wouldn't get too invested in this man.

And thanks for the update. (Which no one had to open)

It’s ice cream. If he did owe your boyfriend money, it makes sense. Think I’d just forget it I were you.

I think I’d have been mildly irritated then enjoyed my ice cream and forgotten it not made two threads about it. Unless you’ve got long standing issues about similar things I’d move on.

💙

So you were going to pay for your BFs but not his sister or her BF? But the sister’s BF is the rude one for not paying for everyone? Even though you weren’t going to pay for everyone?

And you’ve dragged this huge argument out with your BF over several days because apparently it means he “didn’t defend you”, wow good luck with adult dating.

I thought I was really into ice cream. Now I feel like an amateur.

How are you still thinking about it? Just let it go now OP. There was clearly no ill intent from the sisters boyfriend. Calm down.

More helpful comment.

I think his explanation makes sense. I think you need to decide if this whole thing is really about ice cream.

Why are you still going on about it OP, why another thread?

Open your mouth next time instead of obsessing over things. It's no good for you.

Paying for you and your date/partner and not everyone else is normal.

Op wouldn’t have minded if the other guy just paid for himself and his girlfriend, it’s excluding her that is the issue. And her issue is with her boyfriend, he should have just ‘we’ll get our own thanks.’

There’s a huge difference between someone paying for their boyfriend/girlfriend and leaving another couple to sort things out for themselves and someone paying for everyone in a group except one.

If the sister’s boyfriend had just paid for the sister, I don’t think it would have been an issue for OP. It’s the fact he left her out, and more saliently her boyfriend could have smoothed over the situation by then paying for her ice-cream but he chose not to.

If you’re passed off with your boyfriend - just a boyfriend - to the tune of two MN threads about ice cream, it’s probably just time to end that relationship.

Especially if you’re more pissed off after speaking to him about it.

If it’s a marriage with children and intertwined lives, you’d be asking about whether you need to be tolerant. But a boyfriend when you’re c.22? Nope.

OP your boyfriend could just be a bit awkward and doesn’t know what to do in certain situations or…he’s thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Decide which one and act accordingly!

YABU to still be giving this any headspace.

I Agree with Misseditbythismuch.

It's ice cream and it was a misunderstanding.

Honestly you don't seem mature enough for a relationship.

Strange conclusion! I love treating others, and easily would to a sit down meal in a cafe or restaurant.

But it's not really a thing in my circle to make a huge treat round of buying each other a Solero or Cornetto or kebab or whatnot – we're in our 20s/30s, an ice cream or kebab is vv cheap, everyone has their own preferences about ordering/flavours/even paying, plus ordering when out (eg summer, hot day, park) is always a messy affair, etc.

I would definitely buy a lovely chocolate ice cream for a child, or a solo companion I was with. But I wouldn't really interpret not buying a round of ice cream in the same sense as I would not buying a round of drinks or getting the bill once in a while.

Maybe people in my circle are the weird ones, but I honestly feel like the ones obsessing over the lack of a free ice cream are the Scrooges? Yes I know it's not about the money, but it just seems really petty to not view it as an oversight – like how little children fight about who the teacher gave out ice cream to.

Your boyfriend is 26, the other guy is 22. 22 year old was generous enough to buy his girlfriend an ice cream, while the oldest in the group was oblivious to the fact his girlfriend must have felt singled out. He should have paid for your ice cream, irrespective of why the other guy paid for his.

Yes it is not about icecream, it's about thoughtlessness. So OP is not petty. And let's not judge her by your middle age standards. She is only early 20s.