Update- My boyfriends family member paid for everyone’s ice cream, AIBU for being upset that bf didn’t say anything

[Redrose28]

Hi all, I recently made a post about an outing with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, where we all got ice creams and the sisters boyfriend paid for everyone except mine.

I bought it up with my boyfriend calmly. He told me that what happened was: I offered to pay for my boyfriend, and the sisters boyfriend offered a few seconds later as he hadn’t heard me. For some reason, my boyfriend thought I wouldn’t want him to pay for me so didn’t suggest paying for me, and instead accepted the sisters boyfriends suggestion of paying. My boyfriend then defended the sisters boyfriend, saying that he didn’t consider it rude towards me, the sisters boyfriend wanted to pay him back for things my boyfriend has done for him.

That’s quite confusing but hope it makes some sense!

So my boyfriend essentially thought the situation was not rude in any way. I can see his point of view, at the same time not feeling that he understands my point of view in any way doesn’t feel great.

Am I being unreasonable here?

But its just icecream. I wouldn't talk about it anymore and forget it. Unless it keeps happening. Then it would piss me off.

Or perhaps any normal person expects that OP has some degree of ability to understand what is a misunderstanding or that her feelings are out of proportion to what happened

Perhaps he is also considering whether to continue the relationship with someone so dramatic?

I think it was pretty thoughtless of the sister’s BF but I’d let that go on the grounds that young men aren’t always known for their comprehensive thinking. I really don’t think that there was any malice in it. Your BF, however, seems to have shocked you with his lack of consideration for you. And I’m with you on that. I wouldn’t leave my DH out like that and I wouldn’t expect him to do it to me. Him doubling down on his thoughtlessness when you’ve spoken to him just makes him sound like a bit of a twat. Be honest with yourself, is this a one off or a pattern of behaviour? You’re young. Too young to be tying yourself down to anyone who makes you question yourself or lower your bar for how you expect to be treated.

Also, if there’s a next time (which I suspect there might be), I’d post on the Relationships board instead of AIBU. You’ll get some brilliant, if blunt, insights on here, but there are also some right fuckers on here too.

Nah, there are always more than two types of people. 😄

In fact the people who insist there are two types of people tend to be the ones lacking insight and empathy.

I see this ice cream purchase problem as trivial because I'm a mature adult and I realise the people involved in the OP are probably quite young, and still not free of the petty dramas of juvenile rivalry.

A humorous eye-rolling response is the best way to restore cheerful perspective in these situations, as I'm sure the OP will agree when looking back on this stormy teacup a year or two down the track.

It's kinda flaky but not worth a meltdown.

It is quite ironic that the people who think the boyfriend/s behaviour was grossly rude are the ones being rude on this thread.

‘fuckers’ ‘thick’ ‘(not) normal’.

Not exactly smashing ways of putting forward your point of view.

"Thanks but no thanks, my girlfriend's buying my ice cream because it'll taste better coming from her.

WTF?

as the other girl's won't be a part of the family in the future so "I'll hold on to my money now and save it for the one he'll actually marry or that I actually like".

This part confuses me. Are you saying that the sister's boyfriend didn't buy the ice cream as OPs BF is planning on dumping her?

OP, what do you mean by defending you? Asking for him to buy an ice cream too? Confronting him on why he didn't buy you one?

You know, its interesting how we are told to trust our instincts, see red flags for what they are, yet on this thread posters are actively telling OP that her feelings don't matter, it's not a big deal etc. Her gut is telling her something. I mean, I know posters just want someone to take out their own sad lives on, but perhaps they could try and look beyond their need to be arseholes? No? Thought not 😁 some sad bastards around.
OP, he won't have your back. It was weird of his sisters boyfriend to exclude you and the fact he couldn't say, er what about Redrose28? says alot. He wouldn't be for me.

Nah, people who are sad enough to come on sites like this to be pricks deserve it. This is a place where people reach out for advice/help, can't cope with the saddos. They need to fix their loneliness (it's ALWAYS loneliness), not take it out on OP's.

😂 Um I’m perfectly well aware there are actually more than two types of people, it’s a rhetorical device. But ok.

You've made two posts about someone not paying for your ice-cream? You've such a tough life.

I can't believe you're still banging on about this OP. It's a bloody ice cream. Get a grip and stop whingeing.

Oh dear. Resorting to personal attacks again.

Your boyfriend can't or won't see your pov and isn't sympathetic or understanding about how you feel

I wouldn't want to date someone like this

You deserve someone who is kinder

I'd get rid

I think you could be right. I especially don’t like the I’m more feminist than you explanation. I know it’s only an ice cream but I’d be having my wits about me if I continued this relationship.

Jesus, let it go.
Can’t believe you started a second thread about an ice cream situation

You are right OP. The argument is never about the ‘thing’ , it’s about what doing the ‘thing’ says about how the person views you, their attitude to you.

As someone who had a relationship with someone incapable of considering how his actions impacted on me, and dismissing me when I explained, I say ‘get out now!’

I wish I had paid attention to the ‘small’ things. They do tell you about the person.

Do you understand what irony is?

I used ‘fuckers’. I didn’t say anyone in the scenario was being rude. I don’t think there was any rudeness or malice intended from either of them. I said that the sister’s BF was thoughtless and that the OP’s bf had showed a complete lack of consideration. Which I stand by. My swearing doesn’t change or diminish that opinion.

And there were some people on here, as on many AIBU threads, who were being unnecessarily rude to the OP. Your post sounds like you’re suggesting that the posters who were taking pot shots at the OP for being melodramatic were actually being kind, helpful and polite and it was nasty posters like me who came along and were rude to people. I won’t try and speak for anyone else who called those posters out on their comments but almost everyone was being rude to someone. There’s nothing ironic about it.

I wonder what would happen if he cheated, with a person not an icecream truck

If you say so. Why on earth would an English teacher know what irony is 🤷🏻‍♀️

School holidays already? Looking forward to lots more of this. "She gave me a funny look", "did he really mean it?" Etc.

@moonrakerr 1) Given the OP is still dwelling on ice cream it's fair for me to think something else is bugging her. Something in her head is telling her to move on, hence the peculiar talk about "being defended" in this context. I think people should be encouraged to listen to their gut not ride it out "and it'll get better" because it's unlikely to ever get better, it never gets better. 2) I don't agree with kicking anyone when they're down, even with words as so many did here. That was unnecessary and uncalled for. If you don't like it, just move on, why be a prick?!

Even if there wasn’t the ‘more feminist than you angle’ (which I would also be mightily be put off by), the fact that you feel this bothered about a boyfriend’s attitude and behaviour is a very good sign that the relationship is not right for you.

It’s fine to recognise that you simply don’t like your boyfriend’s attitude about something. Reframing yourself as ‘the problem’ so the relationship can continue isn’t necessarily helpful.

@slashlover Obviously nobody would say that IRL. It was a metaphor meant for getting a point across.

Take a step back from the relationship, be single for a while and do take time to mature and figure out what you want. Also, do the online freedom programme as this will help you to recognise red flags relationships.