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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update- My boyfriends family member paid for everyone’s ice cream, AIBU for being upset that bf didn’t say anything

166 replies

Redrose28 · 12/07/2023 22:48

Hi all, I recently made a post about an outing with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, where we all got ice creams and the sisters boyfriend paid for everyone except mine.

I bought it up with my boyfriend calmly. He told me that what happened was: I offered to pay for my boyfriend, and the sisters boyfriend offered a few seconds later as he hadn’t heard me. For some reason, my boyfriend thought I wouldn’t want him to pay for me so didn’t suggest paying for me, and instead accepted the sisters boyfriends suggestion of paying. My boyfriend then defended the sisters boyfriend, saying that he didn’t consider it rude towards me, the sisters boyfriend wanted to pay him back for things my boyfriend has done for him.

That’s quite confusing but hope it makes some sense!

So my boyfriend essentially thought the situation was not rude in any way. I can see his point of view, at the same time not feeling that he understands my point of view in any way doesn’t feel great.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Oceanus · 13/07/2023 00:12

Kinneddar · 13/07/2023 00:08

Still doesn't need a 2nd thread though

Show quote history

I missed the first one, sorry!

steff13 · 13/07/2023 00:16

I'm confused about in what way your boyfriend should have defended you?

SageHearts · 13/07/2023 00:21

First world problems. Why would you raise paying for an ice cream? It’s a non issue.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/07/2023 00:24

Stingy bastards the pair of them (the blokes).

Doesnt reflect well on your boyfriend.

Notimeforaname · 13/07/2023 00:25

It's fine. It's an ice cream. He was paying him back for other things as you said.

You say he wont defend you, there is nothing to be defended from.

If you have a problem in future you need to open your own mouth and speak up. You asked him to, he said no so now it's up to you.

LegArmpits · 13/07/2023 00:26

Nobody cares.

TimesRwo · 13/07/2023 00:34

Move on OP. If this is a huge crisis in your relationship, I dread to imagine how you deal with real problems.

mtld · 13/07/2023 00:42

LittleMonks11 · 12/07/2023 23:00

It's just one Cornetto

😁
End of thread

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/07/2023 00:42

God this place is unpleasant sometimes. All those people finding this thread unnecessary and tedious apparently found it necessary to open the thread and comment. 🙄

Of course it’s not just an ice cream. Are you really all that stupid? It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

OP I don’t think his explanation makes it any better. Id think about whether this is a pattern or genuinely a one off and proceed accordingly.

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/07/2023 00:45

Honestly, Op, this isn't worth your time. I have no idea what's going on with the ice cream cornets but, at this stage in your life, focus on living your life.
See a bit of the world, or explore the UK. Establish your friendship groups.
Build your career.
Look into where you might settle

Cornets aren't worth it, honestly. Something else is happening here that you're unhappy about.

Mrstwiddle · 13/07/2023 00:57

Op, ignore comments about it just being an ice cream. That's not what you're upset about it which is quite obvious to most people.

This does not reflect well on your boyfriend at all, why wouldn't he think that you'd be upset at being left out? any normal person would. He should have offered to pay for you or raised it at the time with the other guy, is he generous with money generally? I'm going to guess not.

Westpoint · 13/07/2023 01:04

SageHearts · 13/07/2023 00:21

First world problems. Why would you raise paying for an ice cream? It’s a non issue.

Why is this a first world problem?

anon12345anon · 13/07/2023 01:14

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/07/2023 00:42

God this place is unpleasant sometimes. All those people finding this thread unnecessary and tedious apparently found it necessary to open the thread and comment. 🙄

Of course it’s not just an ice cream. Are you really all that stupid? It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

OP I don’t think his explanation makes it any better. Id think about whether this is a pattern or genuinely a one off and proceed accordingly.

Absolutely this.

Op, throw him back.... There's plenty of other gentlemen out there that won't behave like him x

Westpoint · 13/07/2023 01:21

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/07/2023 00:42

God this place is unpleasant sometimes. All those people finding this thread unnecessary and tedious apparently found it necessary to open the thread and comment. 🙄

Of course it’s not just an ice cream. Are you really all that stupid? It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

OP I don’t think his explanation makes it any better. Id think about whether this is a pattern or genuinely a one off and proceed accordingly.

You said it much better than me!

Some right obtuse dicks on here at the moment.

FixItUpChappie · 13/07/2023 01:24

It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

Hmmmm. No. It’s just about a nothing ice cream mix up or whatever and it says much more about the person making a big palava about it.

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/07/2023 01:29

FixItUpChappie · 13/07/2023 01:24

It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

Hmmmm. No. It’s just about a nothing ice cream mix up or whatever and it says much more about the person making a big palava about it.

If you genuinely think someone buying an ice cream - or anything - for 3 out of 4 people in a group and leaving the other one to get their own is simply about the price of an ice cream you lack imagination, insight and empathy to an astounding degree.

Mothership4two · 13/07/2023 01:32

⛈☕🍦

To leave one person out is just rude but it is a fairly insignificant event in a lifetime

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 01:53

I've paid for my partner + 1 other person I owed money to before. 2 of our friends were left to pay for themselves, though if it had been just 1 person left, I might have twigged and offered a "treat for all" if it occurred to me / if that 1 person seemed receptive (some people I know are very independent).

It might not have occurred to me though because I hadn't realised there are this many people (OP and others) who obsess pettily

Oceanus · 13/07/2023 01:54

Exclusion is bad, no matter what shape it presents itself in. If the whole group had agreed on a free trip to the park in front of the OP but without inviting her wouldn't it would hurt the same?
The boyfriend said nothing, the sister said nothing and, well, the other guy was the catalyst for the whole thing. Would I want to be a part of this family...? Hmmm, well I don't feel much love there. If I were the sister I'd be saying "you buy my DB an ice cream and I'll get hers", if I were the boyfriend I'd have said "Thanks but no thanks, my girlfriend's buying my ice cream because it'll taste better coming from her. Or I'll buy her one instead". Nobody said a word.
One person thought it was fine to only buy for two and two thought it was fine to get theirs for free as the other girl's won't be a part of the family in the future so "I'll hold on to my money now and save it for the one he'll actually marry or that I actually like".
In the grand scheme of things it's insignificant but is this guy/family worth the investment? Because that "investment" could end up being pricier than a cornetto couldn't it? I think that's why the OP's tossing and turning over this.

GreyGoose1980 · 13/07/2023 02:32

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/07/2023 00:42

God this place is unpleasant sometimes. All those people finding this thread unnecessary and tedious apparently found it necessary to open the thread and comment. 🙄

Of course it’s not just an ice cream. Are you really all that stupid? It’s an indicator of an attitude that it’s fine to be selfish and ungenerous, to exclude someone, to not consider the feelings of the person you are supposed to care about.

OP I don’t think his explanation makes it any better. Id think about whether this is a pattern or genuinely a one off and proceed accordingly.

This

MmaRra · 13/07/2023 02:33

Let it go!
Frozen?

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 02:35

@Oceanus Exclusion is bad yes, but I think buying/paying for things as a group is usually a bit of a messy affair (and even in OP's post some people didn't hear each other). I would chalk it up to accidental/thoughtless exclusion during slightly messy circumstances, and honestly stop obsessing over it.

The sister likely didn't even realise - when people treat me to things, I don't watch them paying like a hawk because it's rude! And the two bfs – again I have paid for specific people due to circumstances, and I have also been the only one to pay my own way (in my 20s, some of my friends were a bit hopeless - always skint) and didn't mind at all.

I can see how getting the bill for only some after a restaurant meal might be exclusionary, but if it's just an ice cream/coffee/etc, it's bound to be a bit of a messy affair. Why obsess?

moonrakerr · 13/07/2023 02:36

On a sidenote, I honestly think if the genders were reversed people would be like "get a grip, you can't pay for a single ice cream cone for yourself?" (which fyi I don't think is a valid response either)

aviatorsrus · 13/07/2023 02:39

OP if you really felt that left out you could and should have said something. Why do you need your boyfriend to defend you?
Sometimes people do things without thinking
I didn't read your previous post but sometimes you need to speak up for yourself at the time, which is more important than ruminating about it later

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/07/2023 02:40

Why didn’t you just update the existing thread.

YABU for that alone.