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Original poster

Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

254 replies

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:21

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/07/2023 05:18

familieseh · 12/07/2023 22:42

Host actually said to birthday member 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me', so there's definitely been some blame apportioned on their part.

If someone came out with that patronising bollocks to me, I wouldn't care whether they were host or not, I'd be outa there and wouldn't darken their door. But then I CBA with social gatherings on that scale especially not "in my honour", so I'm probably biased!

mrsm43s · 14/07/2023 08:24

Mirandathepandaisontheverandah · 13/07/2023 21:51

@RantyAnty it's a bbq in someone garden organised by someone who didn't properly check when the birthday person was available. Where on earth are you getting "lavish" party or "those who truly care about you" from?

But BOTH the birthday people can come. The birthday persons DP is also available to come, as they don't have work til the following day, but they are choosing not to make the effort, because it's not at their preferred time - as if the whole party should have been arranged to their convenience. How on earth it the host's fault that the DP refuses to be flexible?

And we're getting "lavish party" because the OP says, "Host does go 'all out' lots of food and drink, huge marquee-they have a beautiful large garden, quite a 'naice' BBQ." Sounds lavish and expensive and also going to a lot of effort. Very, very generous indeed. But being marred by one of the birthday people's DPs being selfish, and one of the birthday people making a fuss about it rather than directing their frustration at their selfish DP where it rightly belongs.

CovertImage · 14/07/2023 09:16

The OP's posts are all desperately non-sexed. Given the length of them all it must have been massively exhausting to do

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2023 10:03

CovertImage · 14/07/2023 09:16

The OP's posts are all desperately non-sexed. Given the length of them all it must have been massively exhausting to do

It was exhausting to read!

inloveonholiday · 14/07/2023 11:14

Chalk it up to poor communication this year. Be gracious, it's a kind thing for host to do regardless.

The mammoth effort of hosting a good BBQ is significant in organisation, practicality and cost.

Thank your host kindly. Go, be present and put on a smile. Then next year confirm by text a few months before.

I know it hurts that this has been messed up this year but it's still a kindness on the hosts behalf. Even if a misguided one.

SideWonder · 14/07/2023 12:28

Birthday person is largely irritated that the host discussed which day would be best with another family member they're very close to (host that is) but didn't discuss this with them at all, and the BBQ is apparently (50%) for them.

This is the point. If I were the Birthday person affected in this way, I'd be actually quite upset that something supposedly for me (or 50% for me) was done in such a way. It seems almost deliberately cruel, or emotionally fucked up, frankly.

I'd find it extremely hurtful. To then be told "Assume makes an ass out of u and me" would make me just retreat. I wouldn't be attending.

SideWonder · 14/07/2023 12:32

But like PPs, I'm curious (nosey, really) to know who you are in this scenario @familieseh

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 12:33

SideWonder · 14/07/2023 12:32

But like PPs, I'm curious (nosey, really) to know who you are in this scenario @familieseh

The ‘birthday person’.

LimePi · 14/07/2023 14:28

I think the host is toxic.

all this ‘generous hosting’ is no use if a one of the guests of honour can’t attend or his partner can’t.
WHY did the host send everyone invites with exact date but not the birthday person? And then rudely berated the birthday person for ‘assuming’? Yeah of course it’s natural to assume that the party in your honour will be on a day convenient to you (especially if another guest of honour can do either day as it was said)

something fishy here. Is this a parent or PIL?

also why the host assumed that DP will do cooking (without checking whether they can attend at all??)

DP is being unreasonably inflexible but main s*it stirring is with the host.

LimePi · 14/07/2023 14:31

It just smacks of really toxic trait “i will do something, although it is clearly not what you need, but because I will put so much effort into this, you must feel grateful and can’t complain (even though you don’t need it actually and it is mostly to make myself feel good)”

Original poster
familieseh · 14/07/2023 14:46

People are right, it is for my birthday (50%). I tried to put things as clearly as I could and not attract any bias.

It just seems rather thoughtless. And now I am wondering if I should be also upset with DP (we're both female) about this.

I am now (and I accept people's comments that I am being dramatic) feeling that I just don't really matter to anyone, or at least I don't matter very much.

I am getting so many mixed opinions here that yes, seems different people have concerns and attitudes toward different things-that's the only conclusion I have come to.

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 14/07/2023 14:56

A long read but I got to the end!

The problem here is the diva DP who has turned this into a drama all about themselves. It's not their birthday party - it's the OP's. They can attend but they have chosen to flounce off before the party starts. I feel sorry for the OP.

And as for the host - I'm feeling peeved on their behalf.

BadNomad · 14/07/2023 15:05

You matter enough for family to arrange a BBQ to celebrate your birthday. But you are expecting a lot for other people to have to take your GF into account when they make arrangements. You being so upset on your GF behalf is quite ironic when she won't even put herself out for you for one day. ND/autism or not, it doesn't mean she can't change her routine. It just means she doesn't think this is a good enough reason.

Original poster
familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:10

@BadNomad yes, I understand that Sad

OP posts:
tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:13

familieseh · 14/07/2023 14:46

People are right, it is for my birthday (50%). I tried to put things as clearly as I could and not attract any bias.

It just seems rather thoughtless. And now I am wondering if I should be also upset with DP (we're both female) about this.

I am now (and I accept people's comments that I am being dramatic) feeling that I just don't really matter to anyone, or at least I don't matter very much.

I am getting so many mixed opinions here that yes, seems different people have concerns and attitudes toward different things-that's the only conclusion I have come to.

Bless you. I understand why you may feel that way. Your partner is refusing to compromise and you feel you weren't really prioritised appropriately when the party was being arranged. I feel for you. I want to say that although people are stating that your partner could alter her routine if she really wanted to, if she is autistic, that's a gigantic ask. I don't know your partner in person, obviously, so who knows what the reality is, but for some autistic people a change in routine is very disruptive and requires lots of recover time afterwards. Some people find this ridiculous, but it's the truth, despite the inconvenience. I hope you can find peace and understanding in your relationships.

Original poster
familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:24

Thank you. She says she just can't be tired at work.

I realise this isn't a big deal, I'll go and show my face and be happy, It's just it seemed so easily avoidable and host doesn't seem to understand and didn't even think to mention it in advance to me but did to everybody else My life is quite lonely generally, I don't get to be 'normal' and in a couple very often. I have always been the black sheep and I just thought I'd get a day where it wasn't like that.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 14/07/2023 15:28

I don't think you are being dramatic at all. If someone wants to do something nice for you, they should take your feelings into consideration. As it is, this feels "birthday party" seems more like box-checking and forced frivolity.

ClaraLane · 14/07/2023 15:28

familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:24

Thank you. She says she just can't be tired at work.

I realise this isn't a big deal, I'll go and show my face and be happy, It's just it seemed so easily avoidable and host doesn't seem to understand and didn't even think to mention it in advance to me but did to everybody else My life is quite lonely generally, I don't get to be 'normal' and in a couple very often. I have always been the black sheep and I just thought I'd get a day where it wasn't like that.

So she’d rather let you down for your birthday celebrations than possibly be a bit tired for work? Ouch.

tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:31

ClaraLane · 14/07/2023 15:28

So she’d rather let you down for your birthday celebrations than possibly be a bit tired for work? Ouch.

Show quote history

Don't make assumptions. If OPs partner is autistic, it can be a huge deal breaking routine and not being prepared. Maybe it is a case of the partner just not prioritising OP, but it also might not be - it could be a genuine case of having to keep a strict routine. Autistic people have the highest levels of unemployment of any disabled group, so those of us in employment have to work exceptionally hard to retain it.

Original poster
familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:31

@ClaraLane 'ouch' indeed. Not just about a BBQ really. I'll put on a brave face while I'm there. But another nuance to it is everyone there will be all

'X not coming?'
'Are you still with X?'
'How come X not here?'
'Thought X was coming?!'

etc. etc. and I'll find that difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:33

We don't know that DP is autistic, we suspect it, if that's relevant. I am as allistic as they come and I've compromised my needs as much as I can, and tried my best to understand their treatment toward me. Recently I have found myself wondering why there's little of the same understanding on DP's part toward me.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:36

familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:33

We don't know that DP is autistic, we suspect it, if that's relevant. I am as allistic as they come and I've compromised my needs as much as I can, and tried my best to understand their treatment toward me. Recently I have found myself wondering why there's little of the same understanding on DP's part toward me.

I completely understand this. I don't want to diminish the effect that this lack of compromise has on you, whatever the reason behind it - I just wanted to add some context/perspective on how autism can actually affect people, and cause people to lose friends/relationships because of how demanding it can be for us (autistics) to do all the "rigid" routines etc. we need.

Autism or not, though, you need to feel loved, supported and like effort is being put in for you.

PowerBMI · 14/07/2023 15:36

@familieseh are you actually happy in this relationship?

I can’t quite tell if your are saying your dp is autistic, diagnosed or not diagnosed.

But regardless it seems they have you in a position where you can’t display any unhappiness that disrupted their routine. Even once. It all has to be on their terms.

Could your family member who is having the BBQ just have got annoyed that your dp won’t show any sort of flexibility even when it’s important to you? So after lots of back and forth decided to just have it that day. Maybe assuming, your dp, knowing how important this was too you would (just for once) put your feelings first?

BadNomad · 14/07/2023 15:42

familieseh · 14/07/2023 15:33

We don't know that DP is autistic, we suspect it, if that's relevant. I am as allistic as they come and I've compromised my needs as much as I can, and tried my best to understand their treatment toward me. Recently I have found myself wondering why there's little of the same understanding on DP's part toward me.

That doesn't actually matter. If you have to compromise so much that your own needs are no longer being met then this is not a good relationship for you. There are plenty of successful relationships between NT and ND couples, but that's because they are compatible as people and the relationship meets both their needs.

Recently I have found myself wondering why there's little of the same understanding on DP's part toward me.

This is the crux of it. She doesn't understand you, and you don't understand why she doesn't understand you. You are compatible as a couple.

BadNomad · 14/07/2023 15:43

BadNomad · 14/07/2023 15:42

That doesn't actually matter. If you have to compromise so much that your own needs are no longer being met then this is not a good relationship for you. There are plenty of successful relationships between NT and ND couples, but that's because they are compatible as people and the relationship meets both their needs.

Recently I have found myself wondering why there's little of the same understanding on DP's part toward me.

This is the crux of it. She doesn't understand you, and you don't understand why she doesn't understand you. You are compatible as a couple.

Show quote history

are not compatible as a couple