Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

[familieseh]

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

It's stupid to arrange a birthday gathering for someone without checking if the date suits.

Birthday girl and BF need to grow up. They can do something special together on the Saturday. Her feeling "meh" and him not bothering to visit at all just makes them look petty.

After ploughing through all of this, I've come to the conclusion that everyone involved is unreasonable and you all sound like utterly exhausting people. Why are you all so incapable of just communicating?

Why can't you just make your own birthday arrangements instead of having to rely on someone else to host huge BBQ with the host's friends and neighbours? Why would you want someone else's mates and neighbours at your birthday celebration? Why not just have a BBQ and stop shoehorning birthdays into it?

Just how long-distance is the relationship between birthday guest and their DP if they can't stretch out a Sunday until, say, late afternoon before driving home? Unless it's 12-hour journey or something, can't they just make an exception for their partner's birthday? If DP and I have to be with family on a Sunday, we'd probably leave about 6-7pm and be home at 10-11pm in order to be up for work on Monday.

Anyway. I don't really understand why the pair of you just didn't have a conversation like this:

'I'd like to have a BBQ to celebrate your birthday and X's birthday. How about the weekend of the 29/30th?'
'That would be great - if my birthday's going to be a part of it, though, it would need to be the Saturday because I'd like DP to be there and they can't stay for Sunday.'
'OK - what if the other birthday guest can't do Saturday, though?'
'If it's a problem, just crack on and I'll do something with DP on Saturday for my birthday instead - don't feel you have to host my birthday, though, it can just be for other birthday guest and I can arrange something else for mine.'
'OK, I'll check with other birthday guest and see what works best for most of the other guests and I'll come back and let you know if it's going to be the Saturday or the Sunday.'
'Great - if it's the Saturday DP will help with the cooking, so let me know.'

The Dp is a choosing to not be there. So they are upsetting themselves. They could, just be more flexible.

and your Op did it would be difficult to get AL. Not that it wasn’t an option.

Wait, the DP's drive home is only three hours?! And they cannot ONCE make an exception and stay all day on a Sunday and drive home in the evening? Not just one time, for their partner's birthday? How much time does a grown adult need to prepare for work the next day? This is the thing I'd be pissed off about if I were you, not the fact that there was some mild confusion over dates.

But BOTH the birthday people are able to attend and so can the partner if they want to. Partner is just refusing to because the don't want to be flexible, and its not their preferred time. It's a 3 hour drive and they're not due at work til the following day. They can leave in the evening and still be good for work in the morning. They've very successfully made this All.About.Them, and upset everyone in the process.

The ONLY person in the wrong is the selfish DP who wants everyone to flex around their preferences as opposed to them being a little bit flexible ONCE in order to make their DP happy on their birthday. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And look what a great big fuss is being made, their partner is upset, host is probably now upset, and all they have to do is go home a few hours later. But NO! why should they do anything for anyone - everyone must put them first!

Yes the host has done a lovely, generous thing. What a shame the selfish DP had to spoil it. Birthday person should learn that their DP doesn't care about their feelings and stop pandering to them. If they cared enough, they could come along. They're clearly happier not coming, and upsetting everyone else to boot.

The OP clearly says that the host had "given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better", DP has no valid reason stated for leaving in the morning rather than the evening other than they don't want to be flexible. Honestly who would refuse to make such a small effort for their partner?

I hate selfish people who think their wants trump everyone else's.

But they aren’t a minor player…it’s literally a bbq for their birthday?

Both the birthday people are free and available to come? Nothing suggests they are not. And actually, birthday person 's partner is free and available to come, they're just selfishly refusing to because it's not at their preferred time and they refuse to be flexible.

It's only a 3hr drive!

For christ sake if the Dp is that bothered they would do the drive in the evening. I used to live 4hrs from DP and sometimes I'd get up at 4am on the Monday to spend Sunday with him.

The host was probably being unreasonable initially to not check it was a day the birthday person could do. But they've also given reasons for hosting on a Sunday and are doing a kind thing in hosting a bbq in 2 peoples honor. I took the DP is being pretty self centred to expect everyone to host events around them for the sake of not doing a 3hr drive in the evening

A couple of questions. Why does the birthday person know no one at their own birthday? Why is there debate over the date if its for 2 close together birthdays? Why is the DP so upset about not spending the day with their partner yet has cancelled seeing their partner?

Unless it's a Big Birthday, and this is "The Party", Birthday Member needs to grow up.

Their complicated relationship arrangements shouldn't have to be the deciding factor when fitting in the whole rest of the guest list. Maybe the other Birthday Member took priority this time?

It doesn't even sound like this was "a birthday party". It sounds like one of many nice Summertime get-togethers, which on this occasion, happen to coincide with a couple of birthdays.

Also, why does DP have to leave Birthday Members on a Sunday morning in order to work on a Monday? Even if they lived/worked abroad, surely they could let the party creep into a Sunday teatime? Or heaven forbid, take a days holiday on the Monday if BM expresses that DP absolutely MUST be there?

Either way, Birthday Member sounds rather childish and pouty.

If you've been told the date you are the only one responsible for not looking up the day, if it's at a fixed time in a few weeks time, I'd tell people the date too, I wouldn't say '3 weeks on Sunday', I'd say the '29th'. It was up to you to either ask what day it was or look up the day. If you know they were thinking of doing either a Saturday or Sunday you should have checked really.

Trying to organise family events is a pain in the arse, we host quite a lot (only for around 3-4 families normally) and you tend to go with the general consensus on the days/dates, because you sure as shit can't please everyone! BUT if the party was primarily to accommodate 2 people's birthdays I'd base it on their preference if possible, but maybe that wasn't possible in this case.

Also, FWIW they may host it on a Sunday so everyone pisses off at a reasonable time, otherwise you risk having a garden full of drunks at 2am when all you want to do is go to bed! We've had to literally march people home at 3am+ before!

I also think your partner is being dramatic, could they not stay, have a drink and get the late train back home? There are surely other options available than just going back Sunday morning, the fact that they won't now come even though it's actually your birthday weekend, seems quite selfish?

Birthday person needs to give their head a wobble, it is not the end of the world and should accept it with good grace.

Birthday person's LDR should give their head a wobble, it is not the end of the world and should accept it with good grace OR make every effort to be there even if it means driving back at 10pm or 5am.

Host is a lovely person who is very generous and all the others should be grateful.

Why can't DP take a days holiday on the Monday? Does he have another family to get back to?

This. Can't believe LDR doesn't want to spend birthday weekend with their partner BBQ or no BBQ.

Sounds to me like their nose is put out of joint because the host has organised it to suit themselves and not the travelling partner. If I was host, I wouldn't bother next year.

I think the host is a poor communicator and a bad host. Doing something nice for someone's birthday means arranging something that the birthday person will enjoy

Birthday person and DP are unreasonable. The host has generously offered to throw a celebration, it's not the main birthday event.

I just noticed the gender-neutral language. I'm guessing the birthday person is a guy and the long-distance partner in a strop is his girlfriend.

Lot of drama about nothing. The birthday girl in LD relationship - her bf could easily leave at 6pm on Sunday and be home by 9pm.

Host is unreasonable to expect the LDR partner to cook at the BBQ. Why not ask someone else?

Sounds like everyone had been talking about the “weekend of” and agreeing on that basis. Host thinks they mentioned the actual date but didn’t make clear it was the Sunday, birthday person doesn’t remember this but also didn’t clarify the date or day directly with the host.

Everyone could have been a bit clearer, it’s mainly a misunderstanding (partially compounded by neighbours’ mistake), but if there is blame to go round I think birthday person has been lazy about making sure their requirements (for a free, hosted party) were adhered to and being clear that their partner had no flexibility even for a family birthday party.

Everyone is at fault. If you host an event you make the date and time specific, if you are going to an event you find out the specific date and time!

Is it a 3 hour drive for the DP, or say a flight or train which is a bit less flexible as they have to follow the timetable? If the latter, it might explain the reluctance to travel later on a Sunday - no flights/trains, poor connections, rail replacement buses etc.

I think the host is in the wrong, they should have picked the day most convenient to the birthday people, and if that couldn’t be accommodated for good reason, make it clear to the birthday person that it was going to be held on the Sunday.

I am wondering if the host has done this on purpose knowing that the DP wouldn't be able to stay a do any cooking, making the host the centre of attention.

I feel this is the Birthday members fault. They should have been explicit in discussions that a Sunday would be very difficult for them. They cannot expect other people to remember their specific situation. Too late crying about it now. They should attend with their DP and DP should then leave earlier to travel.

I think other family members have pressured host to have it on Sunday. Everyone has been a bit passive aggressive by not saying. If it’s a pattern fuck em and don’t go. Otherwise, spend sat with dp doing a nice bday thing and pop in on Sunday solo just for a bit.

It’s also perfectly sensible possible the host doesn’t want to hold a party on a Saturday and spend all day Sunday clearing up after a late night do, when they can host a nice afternoon party and people go home early doors.

Want a party on a day that suits you? Host it yourself.