Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel defeated by school reports?

169 replies

ToddlerIs2 · 12/07/2023 16:59

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 18:47

ToddlerIs2 · 13/07/2023 11:58

tbf, i've only had the diagnosis a few weeks, not even on paper yet. he's had a rough start so he already has an EHCP for some physical stuff and means he's always had a bit of extra help when he's struggled but think school are as clueless as me as to how to get him to keep his focus and concentration. I'm hoping the inclusion report by North Star will help.

We did intend to keep a holiday diary last year but he hated it so much it became this big issue every day but might be worth a try again this year to stop any regression

I agree holiday diaries are turning something that should be a pleasurable experience into an absolute misery to anyone with handwriting issues

pimplebum · 13/07/2023 18:50

The headteacher will not read these as bad reports 🙄and will not read them all 🤣
As for being branded as a bad sloppy family If you seriously feel this way in a day or two ( I. E it's not just pmt) seek help- genuinely thinking like this about your kids and yourself is not normal or healthy

HapptobeTHATparent · 13/07/2023 19:26

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 18:44

Much should he funded through the EHCP. Schools have a role in documenting need and evidencing this for the EHCP.

If need exceeds the funding from the EHCP, then extra funding can be obtained. Again this needs school and experts to evidence difficulties accurately.

There really isn't a political point here. The EHCP can and should fund provision.

The bigger problem is the number of kids who don't have EHCPs who should , which often IS the fault of the school not documenting and identifying need. All to often it's left to the parents to challenge a LEA failure to assess or piss poor NHS therapy report.

But it doesn't. The first £x thousand has to be funded from the school. Its only over that amount (think its £9k) that the school will get funded. We have 6/30 children starting with EHCPs in September. Thats nearly £60k we need to find from a budget already in deficit before the council will even consider funding.

There is virtually no funding for provision, even with an EHCP. Again, the question needs to be aimed at the government, not individual schools.

Why on earth would it be the schools responsibility to challenge an NHS report??? Or challenge the council for an assessment???

JusthereforXmas · 13/07/2023 19:44

It might just be the teacher.

My teen got massive praise from all teachers EXCEPT his English teacher who kept blathering on about how he sits silently and just does his work which in her eyes was the 'bare minimum'.

She complained that he isn't a social butterfly (hes autistic), how he needs to engage more, volunteer to do class readings and should ask more questions in front of the class. Plus moaning about how he doesn't jump at the chance to do presentations, extra curricular work and non required homework.

Despite this he is above average in his English exams and never once missed his homework.

I think the English teacher is just a bit of a twat who 'expects' far above and beyond whats normal. Clearly the other teachers all loved his head down, quiet 'get on with it' nature.

Teateaandmoretea · 13/07/2023 20:00

If your 8 year old has expected for everything he’s doing well. The primary curriculum is a boring repetitive pile of shite and it favours kids who are just very compliant. That in life had its positives and negatives.

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/07/2023 20:07

In the kindest way possible how the fuck do 3year olds fail at nursery?
If they can walk, talk and not bite other kids that's a win.
The 8 year old is achieving just not excelling he's plenty of time yet.

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 21:27

HapptobeTHATparent · 13/07/2023 19:26

But it doesn't. The first £x thousand has to be funded from the school. Its only over that amount (think its £9k) that the school will get funded. We have 6/30 children starting with EHCPs in September. Thats nearly £60k we need to find from a budget already in deficit before the council will even consider funding.

There is virtually no funding for provision, even with an EHCP. Again, the question needs to be aimed at the government, not individual schools.

Why on earth would it be the schools responsibility to challenge an NHS report??? Or challenge the council for an assessment???

What just what? Why is it the school responsibility...

Because school and teachers reports are considered expert testimonial and therefore can be used in documenting need within the EHCP. This in turn can be used to apply for back up funding. parents testimonial is not. School are able to do things a parent can't.

Because how a child holds a pencil affects how a child learns and presents their Learning. How a child learns and presents their learning is the business of a school, how the child holds a pencil is the job of an OT. If an OT has failed to do their job a school cant do theirs.

Because schools are meant to care about kids.

Because schools might have to deal with less challenging behaviour if kids needs are met better in the first place.

It's not 9k and whilst what you are saying isnt exactly wrong isnt entirely correct either. here is a more complete representation

But if we are going to get political....

The "your taking money away from school through the EHCP" is a piss poor argument to try and persuade parents not to assert their childs rights under law.

Many of the more "minor" EHCP provisions can and should be implemented and funded on a whole school basis anyway as part of normal schooling (eg touch typing, sensory circuits, lexia) to children with or without an EHCP or SN as they produce whole scale benefits in both behaviour and academics.

There are things schools could do to keep SEN costs down and dont. one pe class should be given over to more SEN/physio style pilates. Again this would yield cost effective benefits.

All to often the child with a decent EHCP with one to one is used to fund a "class" TA. I have taken to telling the TAs in my class who they are meant to be supporting because all too often they don't know themselves,haven't bothered to check and have no idea what the need is.

It is actually most often the case that the child with an EHCP is used to prop up class funding whilst getting no benefit at all from the resource dedicated to them. And it's just plain wrong.

All to often you see a child in school epically sinking and a school that does nothing more than complain about problems the child has nothing in their power to resolve. Schools regulary fail to document and record need. It is left to parents to document, seek expensive independent professionals and ensure provision.

Those children whose parent can't, or won't are the ones who are left behind

If everyone was working together to document need, then there would be the evidence to back a political discussion around SEN funding. But its structural change that's necessary as much as funding. For example a camhs psychiatrist located in a school could diagnosis treat and build relationships ten times quicker than sat in isolated in a clinic (quicker better management might also ease mental health difficulties), recognising the value of earphones for kids with ADHD, seating kids in individual seats getting rid of restrictive uniforms.

Pointing the political finger and saying not us it's them is missing the point.

How does SEN funding work for mainstream schools/academies?

There is confusion as to how school funding works and where the various funding streams for children with SEN come from. Read our article for info.

https://educationadvocacy.co.uk/sen-funding

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 21:31

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/07/2023 20:07

In the kindest way possible how the fuck do 3year olds fail at nursery?
If they can walk, talk and not bite other kids that's a win.
The 8 year old is achieving just not excelling he's plenty of time yet.

My DS when he was three failed at all of those.🤣🤣🤣 we tend to say he failed his first Nursery 😁

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/07/2023 21:45

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 21:31

My DS when he was three failed at all of those.🤣🤣🤣 we tend to say he failed his first Nursery 😁

Aw bet he's fine now though.

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 22:15

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/07/2023 21:45

Aw bet he's fine now though.

Ummmmm.... 🤣🤣🤣🤣 well... not exactly... But he has been fine at a lot of points along the way (he's a mid teen), for example he epically succeeded in the next (much better) nursery....

He is testimony to what can be achieved for SEN kids in school (literally he was a case study for one heads masters) and in alternative learning environments.

Just sometimes life just doesnt play ball.

dyspraxicme · 14/07/2023 06:20

Hey OP

I have dyspraxia, and a lot of how your describing your son reminds me of my own experiences. My parents were told I had 'borderline autism' but no diagnosis, and I wasn't diagnosed with dyspraxia until I was 17 and read up on the condition, and realised it described my whole life.

My signs when I was your sons age were poor pencil holding / handwriting, struggling to maintain or have proper friendships, struggling with self esteem/confidence/anxiety, I used to have good behaviour at school but not at home because I was so frustrated trying to fit in at school, slow thought processing, issues with food textures, clumsiness, poor fine motor skills and also PE. The lack of interest etc might even be a mask because he's struggling to remember short term or put his thoughts together on paper. I'd definitely keep helping him improve his typing as this could be a life saver when it comes to secondary school and gcse exams!

I had all these struggles but I did achieve a bachelors and masters of science at top levels and I have a good friendships now, so if he did recieve that diagnosis and got some support, it won't hold him back!

ToddlerIs2 · 14/07/2023 13:59

dyspraxicme · 14/07/2023 06:20

Hey OP

I have dyspraxia, and a lot of how your describing your son reminds me of my own experiences. My parents were told I had 'borderline autism' but no diagnosis, and I wasn't diagnosed with dyspraxia until I was 17 and read up on the condition, and realised it described my whole life.

My signs when I was your sons age were poor pencil holding / handwriting, struggling to maintain or have proper friendships, struggling with self esteem/confidence/anxiety, I used to have good behaviour at school but not at home because I was so frustrated trying to fit in at school, slow thought processing, issues with food textures, clumsiness, poor fine motor skills and also PE. The lack of interest etc might even be a mask because he's struggling to remember short term or put his thoughts together on paper. I'd definitely keep helping him improve his typing as this could be a life saver when it comes to secondary school and gcse exams!

I had all these struggles but I did achieve a bachelors and masters of science at top levels and I have a good friendships now, so if he did recieve that diagnosis and got some support, it won't hold him back!

thank you for this. its interesting you mention issues with food textures as he's partly tube fed for many reasons initially but esentially because he can't tolerate certain textures and tastes.

I will def see if i can find some typing games etc he help his typing

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 14/07/2023 14:00

pimplebum · 13/07/2023 18:50

The headteacher will not read these as bad reports 🙄and will not read them all 🤣
As for being branded as a bad sloppy family If you seriously feel this way in a day or two ( I. E it's not just pmt) seek help- genuinely thinking like this about your kids and yourself is not normal or healthy

the head teacher references things in the report in her personal comment so she's at least having to skim read them.

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 14/07/2023 14:02

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/07/2023 20:07

In the kindest way possible how the fuck do 3year olds fail at nursery?
If they can walk, talk and not bite other kids that's a win.
The 8 year old is achieving just not excelling he's plenty of time yet.

well they're not exactly talking 😂not solely in English anyway, its partly Twinnish

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 14/07/2023 14:13

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/07/2023 17:25

He's awful on the keyboard, takes him seconds to find each letter, is it worth persevering at this point?

Being able to type is a good skill for coding anyway, or I would tell him that. It means that if the school suggest him typing he will be able to take advantage of that. I would though still persevere with writing short stuff by hand - postcards etc.

You can also try getting him to dictate to you or use WORD dictation so that he can practice the skill of writing stories/ facts separate from handwriting. It can help to reduce the frustration of not being able to communicate clearly when writing. If he starts to enjoy writing stories then he can later combine the two skills. He could maybe write short stories (by dictating) and then read to the twins and they can practice playing schools. I remember my dc playing schools with all the teddies out as padding for extra children. You could be his TA.

i'll have a look in to the diction thing. We do lots of "imagine if...." stuff, he has a great imagination and i i write it for him he can do good stories so this is a great idea

His parents evening was cancelled due to school sickness but the twins one, she kinda said "i know you'll worry (she knows me) but they've made progress so i'm not worried, they have time"

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 14/07/2023 15:51

Icedlatteplease · 13/07/2023 22:15

Ummmmm.... 🤣🤣🤣🤣 well... not exactly... But he has been fine at a lot of points along the way (he's a mid teen), for example he epically succeeded in the next (much better) nursery....

He is testimony to what can be achieved for SEN kids in school (literally he was a case study for one heads masters) and in alternative learning environments.

Just sometimes life just doesnt play ball.

It's amazing what they can do in the right setting. My middle son has dyslexia and mild learning difficulties (sorry if they don't call it that now) and his reception teacher told me he couldn't read because he was a boy and they're notoriously lazy wtf. I kept trying to push for help but they resisted. Luckily we moved and his new teacher was fantastic she got him a statement and lots of help. He did very well considering.
All we can do is fight for them and love them 💐

NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic · 14/07/2023 20:43

towriteyoumustlive · 12/07/2023 17:20

The twins are too young for proper reports so I wouldn't worry about that.

But if my DS had a report like that there would be severe consequences. I don't mind what his attainment grades are but I expect him to try his best and apply himself in all subjects. He would be losing all screen time and I'd be working with the primary school to come up with an improvement plan with achievable goals. Perhaps a daily report card to log his effort.

My girl twin (Y2) has been refusing to put much effort into her handwriting so this summer she will be practicing her handwriting if she wants to use her tablet!

My parents thought the same as you!
A drug habit at 14 and me moving out at 15 made them rethink, and actually get me support for my "laziness" and inability to apply myself aka neurodiversity.

Candelabra75 · 14/07/2023 20:44

I am a teacher and a parent. There is no "right level" because children all develop at different rates. All I can say is how sorry I am that you have been given so many negatives, most of which there is little you can do to change. I have taught mainly in Year 3 and 4 in a community state school in a fairly affluent area and I can tell you that the majority of children have the "failings" you have listed. Very few boys of 8 or 9 are focussed on presentation and at 8 most don't have the maturity yet to realise they need to prove their understanding on paper. As long as you are getting him to school on time and making sure he does the expected homework you are providing a good work ethic without overly pressuring him. It is up to the school to engage and inspire him during lessons.

Carzo · 16/07/2023 21:54

My advice is read, read, read, read and then read some more...to them and with them of course 😜

New posts on this thread. Refresh page